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ME-v2
— A Hypothetical Question...
Published:
2016-04-13 13:59:17 +0000 UTC
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Description
Suppose for a moment, that you killed a man.
Maybe you were defending yourself. Maybe it was an accident. Maybe it was just the third Tuesday of March and his name started with an S. Whatever the case, he's dead.
Now, being of sound mind(If you aren't then just play along), one must come to the rational conclusion that the identity of the body must be concealed, and that to do so, rationally, you must remove, among other things, the head. Follow?
So, there you are, removing a head with a hatchet. It doesn't really matter what kind of hatchet, or where it came from, or why you happen to have it on hand, because, well, this is all hypothetical, isn't it? So you're removing the head when calamity strikes. Unused as you are to human dismemberment(Or maybe you are used to it), a poorly angled chop breaks the head of your hatchet clean from the handle.
This necessitates a trip to the hardware store to get a new handle for your trusty hatchet. After all, who knows when the next time you need to sever a human limb will be? The body is disposed of, and you make your ill-fortuned trip, explaining away the mysterious stains on the old handle as barbeque sauce.
Fully functional hatchet in hand, you happily return to your life.
Or do you? Suddenly, there's another body to be dealt with. It turns out that the man working the counter at Joe's 4X4 Hardware Store wasn't as gullible as he looked, and all the wrong questions were asked. Being that you are an entirely innocent individual(Because you would never kill an innocent man without due cause, right?), in the interest of preserving your freedom against a system that is known to make mistakes, you obviously have to kill the hardware man.
Quite gruesome, isn't it? Don't worry, you’ve gotten used to it after the first go round.
So, Jerry (That's the name of the guy. You learned it when you went through his wallet because he clearly didn't need it anymore) is dead, and you have to make him disappear. Since you aren’t a magician (Those childhood dreams were crushed quite early on), you can either burn the body, or you'll have to go back to the tried and true cut-him-into-pieces-load-him-into-
a-black-trash-bag-and-dump-him-off-the-bridge routine. The matches won’t light because you got them soaked dragging his body through the rain, so hatchet it is.
Unfortunately, disasters like to come in twos. (Actually it's threes, but we're getting there) To get through that last leg joint you had to give an almighty swing, resulting in a cracked axe head. Just after you got the new handle too.
So, back to the hardware store. (Seeing as how the whole chopping up bodies thing has become fairly common for you, it's best you do that right away) It's Dug behind the counter this time (You know his name because he dated your cousin for a while), and lucky for him he doesn't blink twice at a cracked axe head. (Although he did spend quite a while examining that crack. Maybe it would be best to be sure...)
Finally, you're home free. Almost. Just as you're pulling in sight of the bridge with the garbage bag full of chopped Jerry sitting in the passenger's seat you see blue lights. (Should have gotten that tail-light fixed. Or dumped the body before doing your shopping. Either one.)
Despite your best attempts to talk your way out of the traffic stop, your silver tongue just didn't cut it this time. (Apparently black bags with odd, arm shaped depressions in the plastic are pretty suspicious)
We're getting to the end here. On the day of your (obviously rigged) trial, the prosecution lawyer stands before the court, ready to prove your guilt, whilst you prepare to explain how these were nothing more than a string of unfortunate but ultimately innocent coincidences. As the end of his opening argument nears, the lawyer holds up your hatchet (Looking pretty spiffy with a new handle and head) and boldly declares that it was the weapon used to decapitate the first victim.
Is he right?
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