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ME-v2 — Sociopathy
#fear #isolation
Published: 2015-06-19 13:31:50 +0000 UTC; Views: 202; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 0
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Description
"You're a monster."I'd always laughed at that, found it funny.
As if it was supposed to hurt me;
As if, I didn't already know what I was.
I knew, and nothing hurts more than knowing.
Knowing what I should think, what I should feel.
Knowing right and wrong.
Knowing, and not caring.
Evil.
Cruel.
Monster.
The only thing that cuts worse,
The only thing that dulls the pain,
Is knowing that they're right.
Knowing that I deserve their hate.
Everyone comes to the precipice, the fork in the road.
Everyone has to draw a line in the sand,
And decide which side they belong on.
Nothing hurts more than knowing.
Knowing that my line is a circle, and I'm the only one inside it.
Nothing hurts more than knowing,
But pain is an illusion, a state of mind.
Fear is alive, tangible, inescapable.
And nothing terrifies me more than not knowing.
Not knowing whether, alone in my circle,
If the real monster is me, or those on the outside.
Nothing terrifies me more than not knowing.
Not knowing if I even care.
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Comments: 6
I am a "monster" or a sociopath, and I have experienced some of the things you wrote. The thing about being "the only one in the circle" or not knowing which side of the line you fit on. And the thing about "knowing what I should think."
But is that true, should we really think like that of a normal person? I'm not saying we should succumb to urges and just torture and kill everyone(if you happen to have those urges)(urges I have). But is it reasonable or even rational to expect a sociopath, to work like that of an empath? Our brains work on opposite ends of the spectrum. Relationships are a chore. I have to fake emotional expression for them; exhausting myself. I don't feel deep down bonds for them. Their despair and pain is my pleasure. And my only actual "fear" is their greatest desire, love. (I'm talking about a fear that induces actual anxiety/unease, not excitement.) The list of differences goes on and on all the way down to my biological and physical reactions to stimuli. Expecting yourself to be "normal" is like trying to get a phone to cook a pizza. That is not it's function, so it will not work. I was sexually abused and neglected at 3 yrs old by my father, I have tried to do everything I can to feel something for people since that time(I am 24). It has not worked. And I tried to discard myself and my sociopathy. It only caused alters to form(mpd)and get stronger. So I have to learn to live with it, the fact that I am a violent sociopathic serial killer on the inside and a "caring" individual on the outside. A monster on a leash.
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Hey Burianteru.
First I have to apologize for the extreme delay in my reply; I haven't logged in to this account since April 14. Of 2016. It's been a weird year, but I'm back for now. I have a little bit of work to post, and I'll try to get back into things.
Feedback like this is why I write. The first thing I need to note is that you seem to use the word empathy to refer to a "normal" person, (Not sure of how else to say that) however the term actually refers very specifically to a person who can supposedly feel and manipulate the emotions of others.
Getting away from semantics, I maintain that the meaning and purpose of any work of art is how the audience interprets it, so I'm not attempting to alter your view of the piece, however I thought of the line "what I should think" as the expectation of how I should think, and not necessarily implying that I believe my thoughts should be different. ie. Understanding what is expected of me, though not necessarily believing it is right or desiring to think along the norm.
However, I feel the need to step back a moment and elaborate on myself: I'm not a sociopath. I have slight dissociative symptoms often mistaken for sociopathic behaviors, but I can't claim a personality disorder. This piece uses the term in reference to a disconnect from social interaction, rather than the specific condition. That said, I feel I'm equipped to empathize (does that word apply here, to you?) with your situation better than most. You can't break your minds basic function, as you say. A phone will always make calls, but that doesn't mean you can't find contentment.
I wish you the best, and hope this reply finds you well.
--A friend
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