newklear [2004-04-27 07:19:05 +0000 UTC]

Holy shit. Why have I not read this before? And.. why for such a simple poem does it flow so well? THe images are excellently constructed, and the subtle rhyming scheme is enough to build this up to something bigger and better to pull the reader in. That is a rare thing, and it is even rarer to actually hold the reader's attention until there is something to break it.

Unfortunately, that thing is the last line in my opinion. It seems rather cliche in comparison to the rest of the poem, and really kills the entire imagery and flow to a point where it becomes an antinym for the poem. Perhaps if there was some kind of twist there to build up the reader even more, and really hold the attention it would work better.


That said, the rest of it blew me away. You say you can't write, but this is evidence that makes me disagree

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passenger-nq [2004-04-26 21:19:53 +0000 UTC]

very nice poem again, i love the ending especially, it's poetic and dark. very well done

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CH3-CO-O-CH3 [2004-02-26 09:22:47 +0000 UTC]

dark, gloomy, think the last line breaks the flow, but its nice to read... well not nice since its a gloomy piece.. but nice as in the fact it reads easily and its easy to understand

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echo-si [2003-04-07 21:51:37 +0000 UTC]

"An old box, a shoe and then me" is a really good line that focuses on the idea that the character (you) is an outcast. I'd love to see you take the visual element and everyday-ness (that isn't a word at all ^_^ ) of that line & apply it to the rest of the piece. I really think it would enhance your work.

^_^

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diabolicalfaerie [2003-03-10 06:22:28 +0000 UTC]

i really like the way this all flows together...most of the time rhyming every line doesn't work, but this does...mainly because of the shortness of it

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