Comments: 24
thatguybrody [2019-02-10 23:20:25 +0000 UTC]
Danger prone Daphne did it again!
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Matthewthewonderer [2017-10-26 05:37:25 +0000 UTC]
(laughing out loud) AAHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Now that is the most funniest part of the story! Leif and Alec are right. This giant is so stupid, he doesn't know when to remember or to work it out with that worthless brain of his.
You really did an excellent work on this chapter, MermaidGirlForever.
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MermaidKisa [2016-03-20 03:34:07 +0000 UTC]
Alrighty! Here you go!
"I felt much better the next day, and within the next few days I was my old self again." since you have "day" twice (well basically) maybe try, "I felt much better the next morning, and within the next few days I was my old self again."
"Alec, Leif and I were lying in the grass outside Alec's cave, just talking and staring at the clouds." I feel like this needs more detail, maybe, "One bright, sunny afternoon Alec, Leif and I were lying in the grass outside Alec's cave. We were talking and staring at the puffy clouds as they rolled by." or something like that.
"I lost my balance and fell off the branch, down towards the ground." try "plummeting" in place of "down".
Also "ten feet" instead of "10 feet".
"I expected to fall down the rest of the way, and most likely not survive, but I was surprised when I landed on something soft." I'd take out "down", you don't need it here since it's the obvious direction she's falling.
"The giant stared down at me, and I stared back into its huge eye." "eye" should be "eyes" in less it's a giant cyclops.
"'Sing!' he ordered again, a little louder." I feel like that would cause someone to startle (him raising his voice I mean) so I'd add in, "'Sing!' he ordered again, a little louder causing me to startle." (Or, "...causing me to jump.")
"'Alright, let's get out of here,' Leif said." since Alec just said the same thing maybe try, '"Alright, let's scram,' Leif said." (or something like that ... that was the best one I could think of off the top of my head...)
"...I don't want to make it harder on you," I said." I'd change "I said" to "I told him" since you used "said" again when Alec speaks.
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Giggles325 [2013-10-21 17:10:10 +0000 UTC]
Ae yeah motherfreaking giants
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LunaWolf22 [2012-07-28 04:18:16 +0000 UTC]
I can't wait for the next one and good one again ^_^
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Eventhorizon6 [2012-07-28 03:50:23 +0000 UTC]
Ah don't worry about using up your action, the action scenes are the best, but yeah I understand if you don't really feel like it and this chapter wasn't bad without all that extra action, it was quite good, and again just some suggestions you don't have to follow but I feel like the giant scene was a little short, unless the giant is going to play a bigger role later, but that's just what I thought and just some constructive criticism for ya, but I still loved this chapter especially with Lief and Alec carrying her, once again thumbs up on the love triangle thing!
Oh I have a FictionPress account! I don't use it that much though...hmm, I should start to use that again, ah well, later maybe lol
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MermaidGirlForever In reply to Eventhorizon6 [2012-07-28 15:29:29 +0000 UTC]
Thanks! I'm glad you liked the chapter. The giant isn't going to come back, and I had planned on doing more, but I just lost my drive for the giant scene.
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migola217 [2012-07-28 00:31:14 +0000 UTC]
Its ok I like it can't wait for more
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