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metabolicwriting — My Life Belongs To Them
Published: 2003-04-28 08:29:23 +0000 UTC; Views: 91; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 5
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Description
My life belongs to themThis place seems like hell
Can’t you see, can’t you tell?
Telling me what to do, no way to refuse
I want to resist, I want the right to choose
They control my live
Stab me with their little knifes
The knifes are hid in shameless lies
Make being a slave seem nice
The sun hasn’t arrived today
Away it wanted to stay
Our world is doomed, it’s done
I tried so hard but still I haven’t won
And now the Darkness is endless
Like a path of never ending decay
Flowing beyond our reach
Or so they say
I know I’ve become soulless
I’ve once again been chosen to be their prey
Oh how I long for heaven
A chance to see the angels fly
But it all seems so far away
I’m longing for my last day
This is hell on earth
They poisoned me at birth
I’ve been marked with the sign
My life isn’t really mine
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Comments: 3
good idea
just needs to reword it some
for example the last stanza
"This is hell on earth
They poisoned me at birth
I’ve been marked with the sign
My life isn’t really mine"
i think can be changed to
"this hell on earth
poisoned at birth
im marked with the sign
this life isnt mine"
cut out unneccessary words as well
then it would flow much easier
mostly i think its to do with the wording
theres room for improvement in this
improvement in poetry is like a curve, its easy to improve when you aren't very good
but much harder to perfect yourself when you arelike this :
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lolz
just felt like drawing haha
you got the ideas
now you need an efficient carrier for the message, namely your poetry
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Hell yeah. this is pretty awesome. I like the flow to it, its nicely written. And the content is good too
~Kandice
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I am sorry, but I neither like the poem you wrote nor the ugly photo with face covered with blood droplets. It's depressing to the point of being dumb.
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