Comments: 18
Tulpen-Teufel [2012-09-19 17:05:36 +0000 UTC]
Oi, I'm just gonna use this chance that my gf left her computer here for a while to say WOW, just wow.
I am depely impressed by how you integrated pretty much every bit of given information about Stinger in your entry, I was trembling while reading the battle.
Even though the outcome is pre-set I was was so curious about what's going to happen next.
You manage to keep a constant dynamic in your text, there is always that certain level of danger the very environment of the planet; you had it in your audition and you pulled it through till now, and I LOVE it!
If you should beat me, which I think is rather likely, I sure know why.
You are a great writer and I hope you learn much more during this if you make it to the next round.
Now for some critique and details you can or should still change about this:
I was going to mention your usage of tenses, since in the earlier entries you tended to use presence during the battle scenes - but you already fixed that by yourself, there is a constant tense now.
You use rather short scentences during the battle scenes, which is good - it adds to the story's speed - but especially then you should take care not to repeat yourself. Maybe you should make a list of synonyms for the words you have to use often when writing about De, such as "staff", "bag" and so on. Like this you will have a pool of terms you can depend on.
Now a detail you don't have to but I'd like to have you change:
Master doesn't use terms like "won't", "you're" and so on. She always says "will not" and "you are". I know I haven't payed too much attention to that myself, but that's the way she is usually speaking.
Okay, now I'll be off to create a counter part that's worth it.
Good luck! ^^
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MetalCoffeCup In reply to Tulpen-Teufel [2012-09-20 21:03:26 +0000 UTC]
Mhm! Do you have in mind a way you'd like me to voice them?
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RiskellionGamble [2012-09-18 23:46:38 +0000 UTC]
Another classic and concise round, I just hope it's good enough to beat your opponent-who looks pretty damn good at making comics. Rik personally is on the edge of HIS seat hopng his wife makes it.
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MetalCoffeCup In reply to RiskellionGamble [2012-09-18 23:55:55 +0000 UTC]
you know leno
*leon
this isnt the end
tis only the bagginging (of the rouuunnnnnddd)
*beginnign
*beginning
i have much to o d before thsi si all over
*do
*this
*is
also reply to my note plesz
*peleas
*pels
hell
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MetalCoffeCup In reply to RiskellionGamble [2012-09-19 22:16:48 +0000 UTC]
pppff your reafctions are priceless!
*reactosm
*reafctont
*arections
coleslaw enough
*clsoe
*CLOSE
yeah
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RiskellionGamble In reply to MetalCoffeCup [2012-09-20 00:11:56 +0000 UTC]
O_o..........................................................................................................................................I-(gets run over by a random motorcyclist...which is random)
Random Motorcyclist: I'm random! ^_^
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MetalCoffeCup In reply to RiskellionGamble [2012-09-20 20:13:31 +0000 UTC]
(tear drips from my eye and i wipe it away slowly with the back of my hand) i love you unnamed character. im sorry that our time has been so short but today i must ride into battle. we will probably never meet again. (jumps onto the back of my unicorn and gallops away into the blazing sun) FAREWELL! I WILL REMEMBER YOU ALWAYS! :") (burns to death in the heat of a solar flare)
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RiskellionGamble In reply to MetalCoffeCup [2012-09-20 22:37:59 +0000 UTC]
Random Motorcylist (whi is very random): o3o.........I'm Random! 8D
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MetalCoffeCup In reply to RiskellionGamble [2012-09-20 23:01:46 +0000 UTC]
Good for you. (a haunting image of me appears in the clouds)
(the wind hums the Heyayayayay song for eternity and the robot unicorns flock to trample Random Motorcyclist)
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