Comments: 49
Goth-Star [2011-12-05 01:54:01 +0000 UTC]
I agree with silverevisions; there are some grammatical errors and whatnot, but I see some literary potential here! In my opinion, some wording could be added to and/or changed to be more unique and/or more descriptive in order to harmonize with this context and lengthen it (for example, "red blood"). To me, whenever it comes to any literary genre, never be afraid to manipulate words to produce a specific effect in an audience or wander outside the box. (Imagine yourself being omnipotently experimental with ideas; you can immerse the audience in complexity of original space and time, an allusively personal view of how your mind perceives reaction to experience.) I like your characters as well; they display an emotional bond/psychological relationship between beastliness and humanity.
I hope that that gave you some insight. (I'm rather wordy, I know.) XD
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Goth-Star In reply to Mird-the-Clever [2012-01-29 04:30:54 +0000 UTC]
(Sorry that this message is rather late!) Sure, I'd love to!
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Mird-the-Clever In reply to Goth-Star [2012-02-06 21:08:18 +0000 UTC]
Its OK. I'm sorry mine is late! I'll send it to you when I have the time.
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Delta-Hexagon [2011-11-29 17:03:50 +0000 UTC]
The plot and interest is certainly there, and I'm very curious to see what will happen next, for sure. I can see that ~Aldark already gave you some grammar tips, and they're very good. Your grammar, and writing in general, gets a little choppy in places. It's not bad, but it could use some more polish. Still, good start.
Now, I personally think this is far, far too short. I know it's only part one of chapter one, but you can go into so much more detail, even in the first person perspective. But I'll wait until the next part because I can see this was more a flash of excitement to get the readers interested.
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Mird-the-Clever In reply to Delta-Hexagon [2011-12-04 19:26:27 +0000 UTC]
The next part is still more flash and excitement. It's going to change dramatically very soon, once I can write again.
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Mird-the-Clever In reply to Delta-Hexagon [2012-01-10 21:55:31 +0000 UTC]
Bad sick, and its been two months and I just got meds for it...
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Mird-the-Clever In reply to Delta-Hexagon [2011-12-05 04:08:50 +0000 UTC]
SUPER busy, thats all. I have school, a vague social life, video games, and the rest of my life to balance...
And I still can't think of character names for my book.
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Delta-Hexagon In reply to Mird-the-Clever [2012-01-17 01:37:12 +0000 UTC]
I personally think you should post your chapters all together, not in parts. Personally, it is kind of annoying to have to open different tabs just to read all of chapter one or something. That, and given the increased length of a full chapter, it's just plain more fun to read through. c:
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Aldark [2011-11-28 20:18:33 +0000 UTC]
hahaha the image really threw me off.
But to business: The first paragraph had a little difficulty grabbing my interest at first I must admit, but the rest certainly managed to hold it tightly. Something many writers have difficulty doing at any moment in their works, so you should be proud of that. lol. Overall it's very nicely written.
You might want to segment some of the longer sentences though. One in particular I felt needed a breather, was "An arrow passed by my head during my parrying and I signaled to White Eyes to attack the archer as I continued to parry and dodge the blows from the orc's axe, slowly shuffling backwards." a couple more commas or even a full stop to break up the actions taken could do good in there.
here, an example of how it might look once further punctuated:
"An arrow passed by my head during my parrying, and I signaled to White Eyes to attack the archer. I continued to parry and dodge the blows from the orc's axe, slowly shuffling backwards."
Personally though, I don't think you even need to reiterate that they are fighting an orc. just "I continued to parry and dodge the blows from the axe, slowly shuffling backwards." would suffice, imo.
Also: ignore =swmmp. Although it is incredibly challenging to make it work, I think the first person perspective can be quiet interesting and pays off, if done right. Many writers have great difficulty pulling it off though. Just keep it up as you are, and you'll be fine.
Well there you have it, my piece. Hope it helps. I'll be looking forward to chapter 2.
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Mird-the-Clever In reply to Aldark [2011-12-04 19:32:15 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for all this, but I do want it in third person. I'm going to be making so many changes so soon, the only reason it isn't in third person is that I can't think of a name...
Thank you so much for all the help by the way. I really need it.
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Aldark In reply to Mird-the-Clever [2012-01-13 15:12:42 +0000 UTC]
mines bakumeki. feel free to add me.
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swmmp [2011-11-28 11:11:57 +0000 UTC]
This is very good, but you may have hobbled yourself by starting off in a first person narrative. You'll need to figure out a way to transition out of it before very long. On the whole very good so far.
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Mird-the-Clever In reply to swmmp [2011-11-29 00:10:17 +0000 UTC]
I have a plan for that. Once a second druid is introduced, I plan on finally revealing the name of the current main character, and switching to 3rd.
Still working on it though.
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swmmp In reply to Mird-the-Clever [2011-12-14 03:01:44 +0000 UTC]
Sounds like a good way to handle it.
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Mird-the-Clever In reply to swmmp [2012-01-10 21:51:35 +0000 UTC]
Thanks. I'm full of good ideas! XD
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fatninja716 [2011-11-28 05:52:17 +0000 UTC]
I love this. But now I wanna be in it!!! Sorry lol but come on the idea of hanging with you in that situation sounds fun. Besides I would love seeing how many pieces I could cut an orc into.
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Mird-the-Clever In reply to fatninja716 [2011-11-28 07:52:18 +0000 UTC]
Maybe I'll have a guest character appearance, but you would need to make up a character first.
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fatninja716 In reply to Mird-the-Clever [2011-11-28 15:28:32 +0000 UTC]
Lol I can come up with one, but I don't wanna ruin your story yah know?
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Mird-the-Clever In reply to fatninja716 [2012-01-10 22:47:08 +0000 UTC]
Tell me about them. I could use more druid characters/druid sympathizers for main characters. C:
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fatninja716 In reply to Mird-the-Clever [2012-01-15 04:42:11 +0000 UTC]
Think about a simple bard, not really well off, but not hard on times either. He is a kind man and wants to befriend most folks. He plays the Lute well enough but by is no means the best, and can defend himself when need be. I can give more but tell me if you do or not, that will be a long reply
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fatninja716 In reply to Mird-the-Clever [2012-01-18 14:52:27 +0000 UTC]
Basically his story is he grew up in this city. His family wasn't really high class and because of that he never really got much of an education. That is until he picked up the Lute out of boredom and started tinkering with it. While he was doing so an older man approached and asked him if he wanted to learn how the play. The boy, his name is Malric Falk, replies by saying he really doesn't have much else to do. After speaking with his parents, who are overjoyed at hear that a Bard wants to take their son in for teaching, even if Malric doesn't fully understand at the time. He spends about ten years in the school the old man takes him to, but he can't seem to play anything other than the lute. While there he also takes some martial training, learning the basics of hand to hand and becoming a quick study with a variety of blades. Finally after he learns what he thinks is enough he travels off into the world, looking for inspiration for new pieces and places to sing and make money. The first town Malric comes across is a small village that really has only this one small inn to its name. In this place he befriends a young priestess who was travelling to a larger city before a group of thugs waylaid her caravan. Realizing she needed help, and maybe thinking it may lead to other, less savory goals, Malric heads out with her. He acts as both bodyguard and entertainer on their trip. They reach the town with little incident but are then meet another problem, the goddess that the priestess worships is all but outlawed in this place. This leads to a few problems; one the priestess can't complete her work, also it makes this town slightly unsafe to stay in. Unfortunately they have no other alternative and are forced to stay for a few days due to an oncoming storm. During this stay they grow a bit closer, Malric being one of the few people staying close to the woman. But when the storm hits, so does tragedy. During the night some very 'devout' religious types attacked and murdered the priestess. Malric was in a rage and spent the following weeks hunting for the killers, but the city hid them, seeing their actions as justified. As the days went on Malric would seclude himself more and more to his room and to his playing, thinking of the time spent with the priestess. Soon though strange things began happening when he played, he would feel something plucking at the strings along with his fingers, as if they were leading him to the next string of a greater piece. He waved it off at first as just sadness over the loss of a close friend, but soon he noticed that his playing would sometimes impact other denizens of the inn and change their moods. There were many a night where his playing would send patrons sobbing back to their homes, unsure of what exactly had saddened them. The townsfolk, fearing that the Bard was trying to control them in some kind of evil magic, ran Malric from town. After this he lost much of his faith in others. He simply began travelling from town to town, playing for his money, and sometimes with a kind word or a sweet face to bring a forlorn smile to his lips he would play and relieve the hearts of those that saw his power. He has practiced this power and honed it sharply, to the point where a string of notes and a few keen phrases can make a man frolic in merriment, or slit their own throats in self-loathing. Though he can only bring this kind of power onto those weak of heart or mind.
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Mird-the-Clever In reply to fatninja716 [2012-02-08 03:32:16 +0000 UTC]
Holy crap, that was intense. Villain or hero? Main character, or just an appearance? All up to you, because I excel in weaving a tale.
And I must say, you can bring about one complex character. I would love to have him in my book as either a hero or villain and can weave him in either way. I already have ideas just from reading this!
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fatninja716 In reply to Mird-the-Clever [2012-02-08 15:27:47 +0000 UTC]
He doesn't really have the heart to be a bad guy, and he isn't as much a headliner as a sidekick, traveling companion type of character. Glad you like it though he is one of my favorite D&D characters, one of the few I actually built a comprehensive lore for.
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Mird-the-Clever In reply to fatninja716 [2012-02-14 03:58:05 +0000 UTC]
Dude, I could make him a character that is well known but not a main character! You know, those people who show up at random times!
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fatninja716 In reply to Mird-the-Clever [2012-02-17 13:28:48 +0000 UTC]
Lol thank you, any other help you may need later on just let me know. I love offering advice on writing projects
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fatninja716 In reply to fatninja716 [2012-01-18 14:54:21 +0000 UTC]
Lol I'm sorry for all the space this takes up. I told you I had this character figured out.
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Mird-the-Clever In reply to fatninja716 [2012-02-06 21:25:16 +0000 UTC]
Its OK, I just don't have the time to read it right now. I will later, but I need a few more days. Sorry this is taking me so long!
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fatninja716 In reply to fatninja716 [2011-11-28 05:55:36 +0000 UTC]
Nevermind, makes me sound like a selfish ass. Sorry
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silverevisions [2011-11-28 04:29:17 +0000 UTC]
Wow, you are a great writer! I see minor grammatical errors such as tense inconsistencies, etc. Also last sentence of the first paragraph is a fragment. But it definitely caught my attention, the leopard is so adorable in my mind :3 I'm eager to see what happens with the map!
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Mird-the-Clever In reply to silverevisions [2011-11-28 04:33:52 +0000 UTC]
Thanks! I had plans for later and a friend of mine really got my mind running. I wish I could be writing now, but I have a stupid paper to write!
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