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Dreams & Desires
by Kristian Bolanos

"The Park"
This is the first dream I ever had about Jackie. It's short, but it's one of my favorite dreams of all time. The scenery opens up with a bright sparkling green grass field with sparkling dandelions floating in the air. The sun is really bright but not too bright, it makes everything more pleasing to the eye actually. My view changes to a couple sitting down next to a tree. As I get a closer view, I realize the couple happens to be me and Jackie. My arms are wrapped around her while she sits in front of me gently gripping my wrists. We sit there for a long period of time enjoying the beautiful scenery. Unfortunately, that's the end of it.

The End

Interpretation: This is one of those dreams that was created from a memory. Although loosely based, it still tells me that I really wanted to share a moment exactly like it in the park where we had our first date. I wanted to share a moment like this so bad that it actually inspired to make a drawing out of it, and a story. Little did I know how much this dream would change me forever.

"Nurse Jackie/The X Letter"
My dream begins with me walking in my neighborhood in Garden Grove CA. It's night time and I'm trying to find my house. For some reason, all the houses are painted different colors, just like the ones in the movie Edward Scissorhands. I arrive at my destination, a blue house. The front door is open; I question whether someone is home or someone has broken in and forgotten to close the door. I decide to walk in a stealthy manner.
I look around from the entrance…no sight of anyone. I go in deeper and try to make my steps as quiet as possible. I get to the door leading to my room; it's closed. I put my hand on the knob and twist it slowly and steadily. I peek into the right side, no one there. I open the door all the way and look to my left. To my surprise, I find Jackie in my room, her back facing me, kneeling down and writing something on my table. I pause to see if she noticed me walking in.
"Ummm…Jackie?" I call to her
"Hold on, I'm almost done" she replies back
"Done with what?" I ask
"I said hold on!" she yells.
"Uhh…ok" I say quietly
"There! I'm done." says Jackie
She comes up to me, stops and hands me what seems to be a letter.
"Here you go…" she says
Unfortunately, after those 3 words I can't remember any other audio from my dream. I just remember that she told me something about the letter that had to with either her being my ex or something about my ex girlfriends. Anyway, back to the story. I take the letter from Jackie and open my mouth to say something but before I can, she walks out my room. I chase after her and ask her where she's going.
When she turns around, everything freezes which causes me to pay attention to what she's wearing even though I already knew when I walked in my room. It looked liked one of those slutty outfits girls wear on Halloween; one of those naughty nurse outfits. It looked almost exactly like the one Harley Quinn (from Batman) wears in the video game "Batman: Arkham Asylum". Not to sound like horn dog, but damn, she looked F***ING SEXY and I wanted to take her back to my room.
To my disappointment, that didn't happen. Jackie tells me where she was heading out to but I don't remember what exactly she said. I just nod and say "ok". She walks out and I walk back into my room. I realize how bright scarlet red the walls in my room are even though there is not too much lighting. I sit down on my bed and open the letter, I read it, but since this was a dream I can't remember what it was that I read. I actually find myself sleeping not too long after.
A couple hours pass and I wake up…feeling sick. The lights in my room seem brighter than before and it causes my eyes to squint. My whole body feels like someone filled it with bricks. I try to get up but I can't. Then Jackie walks in with the same outfit. It gives me this feeling of being in a hospital…only with a hot nurse. She comes up to me and puts her hand on my forehead.
"You're hot" she says
"Ughhh…." I respond like a zombie.
"Heh heh, don't worry, I got some medicine. Here, open up"  says nurse Jackie
"Awwwww….ewwww" I say disappointingly while making a face as if I had just tried to eat a lemon.
A few seconds after I swallowed the medicine, the heavy brick feeling starts going away, my head doesn't feel hot and I can stop squinting; my heart even starts beating fast. I sit up and place my hand on my chest to show Jackie that I'm focusing on my heart rate. I look back up at her and smile.

The End

Interpretation: Hmmm…ok there's two obvious things here that stand out. One: Jackie is a nurse because she's my medicine. The medicine itself wasn't really what healed me, it was the idea of Jackie taking care of me that did. This explains my fast beating heart. My heart always starts beating fast when I see her in the real world. This time my heart started beating fast because it was happy to know that Jackie cared about me.
The other obvious thing is that I like it when girls wear Lingerie. To be honest though, I never tried imagining Jackie in one, I guess it was just the fact that I find it arousing that my mind decided to make the nurse outfit all…erotic. She didn't need to look hot to play a nurse, but it sure did work out a lot better. Oh, and the red walls, I'm pretty sure they were red to set the mood. When girls wear a red dress or have their picture framed with a red border, men find it more sexually arousing. So, I think the red walls were supposed to symbolize love and desire; two things of which I've always felt for Jackie.
Last but not least, the letter…I can't remember what it was about anymore but I remember when I woke up, it was of some importance to my life. Sadly, I forgot as the time went by so all I can really say is it had something to do with an ex / X

"On Top"
My eyes open…and what do you know…Jackie is on top of me. I look at her and check to see if she's naked or not. And she's not. She's wearing a black v-neck shirt, blue short shorts, high black leg warmers and black vans shoes. I look back at Jackie; she's still looking at me. I look around the area, we're in my room again, with the same red walls. I look back at Jackie once more. I try to push her way because my body starts burning with guilt. Because I've never done anything like this with her, I feel like I'm taking advantage even though she was the one that was on top of me. As I try to get up she pushes me back down aggressively. She leans her head down and kisses me. We start making out and yeah…you get the picture.

The End

Interpretation: What's there to interpret? I just had a dream about something I've always wanted to experience with Jackie. Nothing else.

"Moving Forward"
I'm walking in The Block (an outside mall in CA). For some unknown reason I decide to lay down on the concrete. Jackie comes out of nowhere on my left side with Brian's white Mitsubishi Eclipse. She pulls down her window and asks if I need a ride. I say, "Uhhh, yeah sure." I get in the car and we head out of the mall. We start talking about stuff but I have no idea what was said. We soon find ourselves stuck in traffic. Jackie gets frustrated and starts honking her horn. She exhales heavily and says, "I found someone new."
I immediately feel a knife stab my heart. I look at her and try to figure out something to say, but nothing comes to mind. So, I congratulate her and try to make it seem like I'm happy for her, but really the black hole feeling is back again.
"Uhhh, you know what? I think I can walk the rest of the way from here." I tell her as an excuse to be alone.
"Are you sure?" she asks confused
"Yeah."
"Ummm…ok…"
I get out of the car and start walking down. I don't even bother looking back to say goodbye.

The End

Interpretation: This dream is called "Moving Forward" because Jackie is in a car and trying to move on. However when I get in the car, we get stuck in traffic and go nowhere. I think this dream was trying to show me that It's not my destiny to be with Jackie. She has her own road to travel and I have mine.

"She'll Never Know"
Jackie and I are at a house in a desert that looks like Victorville, CA. We're having a good time just chilling and sharing laughs. However, when I decide to bring up the past, things get quiet. Jackie tells me she still has a boyfriend. So, I apologize for throwing out my feelings like always do. I get up and start walking away. I start feeling my eyes water. A tear comes out, then another, and another. I hear Jackie calling my name; I stop but don't turn around for her to see my face. With only 8-10 feet away from her, I respond back, "You'll never know how much you truly mean to me." I start bursting into tears even more and walk away.

The End

Interpretation: Damn…this one gets me all the time. Those 10 words are depressing but true. It's one of those pieces of information that only one individual will truly understand, this case me being that individual. I've always thought about whether Jackie truly understands how much she means to me, but end up telling myself that she doesn't. This causes me to do even more things for her to show her; hence the story I created for her. Every time I do though, I don't get the expected result. I end up having to try to find another way to win her heart only to find myself failing again.

"Winter Break"
I'm visiting California for winter break in my old childhood neighborhood. However, in my dream the park is twice as big. I arrive at the mobile homes knowing that Jackie lives there as well. It's still sunny out and so I tell my mom that I really want to visit her and she lets me go. I walk to Jackie's house and happen to find her outside. She's wearing short shorts, leg warmers, vans and a v-neck again, only this time the v-neck is white.
She looks over at my direction and gives me the biggest smile. She starts running towards me and gives me leap hug which catches me off guard. Luckily, I have quick reflexes which allows me to quickly grab Jackie so she won't slip and at the same time regain my balance.
"Ummm, hey…heh heh." I say nervously
"Oh my gawd hi!" she says enthusiastically
"Uhh, I was wondering if you could hang out." I ask Jackie
"I can't. I have to do chores first." she says disappointed
"Oh, ok..." I say disappointed as well
I tell her that I'll catch her some other time and leave. My dream gets hazy for a while and eventually skips to my last day during night time. I tell my mom I want to try to hang out with Jackie before I leave and she grants me permission. I walk over to Jackie's house again and knock on the door. She gets excited and starts jumping.
"Oh my god! Oh my god! Kristian!" she exclaims
"Hey, you're not busy are you? I wanted to hang out with you before I leave since we didn't get to hang out last time."
"Yeah, lets hang out! C'mon let's go walk."
She closes the door behind her, grabs my hand and we start walking around the neighborhood. I suddenly remember my intentions on visiting her were to give her my Mrs. Penguin keychain plushy. Instead I decide to give her my Mr. Penguin keychain to represent the concept about having a part of each other when not together.
"Oh, hey. I just remembered." I start out
"What?" she asks
"I wanted to give you this before I left...so that even though I'll be gone, I'll still be with you. And I'll have you with me as well."
She looks down at Mr. Penguin at first, and then looks back at me with an open jaw. Her eyes start watering. She gladly accepts her gift and squeezes me with her arms.
"Thank you" she whispers
"Uhh, yeah, you're welcome. You know I love you"
Jackie's face blushes and causes an awkward silence. She lets go and looks into my eyes with her rosy cheeks and sparkling eyes and smiles. We then continue walking around the neighborhood in the beautiful night. I eventually end up dropping her off at her house. On the way over though, I decide to carry her the rest of the way. Right after I pick her up though, she freaks out and says, "Put me down!"
"Why?" I say confused
"Because I have a boyfriend!" she says aloud
Damn…those 4 words again. I obey Jackie's command and put her down. However, I don't say anything since she knows exactly how I feel. It's during this moment that she realizes how many times she's had to say those words to me only to see me get hurt. I turn around and slowly start walking away. This causes Jackie to feel extremely guilty for being a constant reminder to me of how she'll always belong to someone else and not me. She runs towards me again and gives me another leap hug. With barely enough time to react, I catch her again. This time though, she grabs my cheeks and pulls me towards her lips.
Boom…the 4th of July all over again just like September 18, 2009. At first my reaction was to push her away since being a home wrecker is not my style…but after waiting for so long to finally get what I wanted I tell myself, "You're not gonna live forever. Take advantage of this moment because who knows if you'll ever get this opportunity again." I listen to my heart and accept Jackie's kiss. The dream stops here with us frozen in time, kissing and everything fades away.

The End

Interpretation: This is the dream that says it all. The penguins, the kiss and the moment of Jackie finally realizing no other man will lover her as much as I will. I would say this is the emotion I've had to repress for the longest time and most likely will for the rest of my life. So, in truth, I'd have to say this is officially my favorite dream because I got what I truly desired in life, Jackie.

"My True Love"
I'm sitting down on a wall talking to Sabrina at some random high school that's supposed to resemble Los Amigos High School in California, only with a bunch of trees, sparkling sunlight and luscious green vines coming out from the vibrant red brick walls. Jackie comes around with a few friends and asks me if I could hang out with her. I immediately look to Sabrina for her approval since she knows that I still have feelings for Jackie. She glares at me knowing that I'd rather leave with Jackie than stay with her.
"What are you looking at me for? If you wanna hang out with her go for it. I don't care." she says in an annoyed tone.
I look back at Jackie and say, "Ummm…sorry Jackie. I can't."
She looks at Sabrina briefly and then back at me and says, "Whatever"
Jackie walks away and I watch her, wishing I could hang out with her without Sabrina getting hurt. Sabrina notices me looking at her and says something negative about her that I can't remember but causes me to start arguing with her. For some reason, I can't have anyone say anything bad or cause any harm to Jackie…I guess this means that I have too much pride in her. So I just stop arguing with Sabrina and try to catch up to Jackie. She smiles, gives me a hug and venture out to wherever it is life takes us.

The End

Interpretation: This one is pretty obvious to interpret. I'm with Sabrina because I'm trying to get over my past, but my past always ends up coming back. So I give up trying to pretend that I'm happy with Sabrina and go back to the person that truly makes me happy.

"The Future"
I'm having sex with Sabrina in a futuristic environment that looks exactly like the city on the Citadel in Mass Effect. For some unknown reason though, I know I'm in Nietzscia's futuristic room, a friend of whom I had sexual relations with. Not to go into too much detail, but I will say that I'm on the bottom while Sabrina is on top, therefore giving me a view of the flying cars through the glass roof. I look into Sabrina's eyes momentarily and then back to the flying cars. Suddenly, a figure that has been in the same spot for the last few seconds staring at us attracts my attention. In reality I wouldn't have been able to identify who the person was from the distance we were at but luckily enough in my dream I had super vision and was able to see that it was Nietzscia.
"Oh fuck!" I exclaimed.
"What?" Sabrina asks confused
"It's Nietzscia! Fuck, get off me! We needa go!"
I quickly put my clothes back on and help Sabrina gather hers as well. We make it outside the apartment and I quickly check to see if Nietzscia was still there, but she's not. Then I turn my head slightly to the right and notice she's running in our direction.
"Oh, shit! Run!"
We sprint along the walkway trying to avoid bumping into people and see if there are any spots that we could hide in to lose Nietzscia. There's nothing. We keep running and running a while longer until Sabrina starts slowing down which causes me to slow down as well. I tell her we have to keep going, but as I look back to face her, I notice Nietzscia is nowhere to be seen. I tell Sabrina, "Hey, you know what. I think we can stop running. I don't see her anymore."
We catch our breath and start walking somewhere random.

The End

Interpretation: What the f***?

"The Circle"
I was having a date with Maggie in what seemed to look like the setting of Vincent Van Gogh's painting "Café Terra". As I look into Maggie's eyes to focus on what it was she was saying. Suddenly, the setting transforms into a white and pink cloudy dreamland with a water fountain in the middle of nowhere; a fountain that looks like the one in The Block (an outside mall in California). To my surprise, Maggie, Sabrina and Lizzy are all sitting down on the fountain as if they're waiting for something or someone.
I walk towards Sabrina 1st since she was the closest. I look at her and tell her the main reason why I love her and give her a rose. Right then and there it's pretty obvious that my dream has turned into one of those reality bachelor  shows where the guy has to make a decision of which one he loves the most. I kiss Sabrina on the cheek and then make my way to Maggie. She turns to face me, but instead of a welcoming smile, she glares at me. I realize that she most likely saw me kiss Sabrina and therefore caused her to get jealous. Despite that I still tell her why I love her and give her a kiss on the cheek and hand her a rose as well.
I turn to head towards Lizzy.As I make my way over, a black cloud poofs near her and a thief appears and sits next to her.  He looks at me like he's trying to warn me not touch or kiss Lizzy. I ignore him and tell Lizzy why I love her. When I attempt to give her a kiss the thief grabs her and disappears leaving a black cloud. When the cloud clears up, I notice Sabrina and Maggie stand up and walk away from the fountain. I get a sudden feeling of guilt in my stomach and start thinking about what I did to deserve being abandoned. Perhaps, it was because I tried to kiss them all…who knows though.

The End

Interpretation: Hmm…I believe this dream is reflecting how I used to try to juggle more than one chick at once. Of course, not while I was going out with them, just playing the field pretty much. Still, I think I was just supposed to see what kissing more than one girl at a time can do, hence "The Thief". I guess he's supposed symbolize jealousy with a bit of karma.



"Irreparable"
I wake up in Lizzy's house on her couch wondering where she is. I get up and look around for her. As I enter the kitchen, I notice her in the floor trying to fix a faucet; why there's a faucet attached to the floor, I don't know. I observe her for a few seconds and notice that she's trying to forcefully fix it but is showing no sign of progress. I bend down to help her, but right when I touch her hand she immediately gets defensive and stares at me with these killer eyes. I back away slowly for a brief moment and think about how to approach her so that I may help.
"Lizzy, you should let me help you." I say
"No!" she yells
"Please, let me help you"
"Nooo!" she yells again
"If you don't let me you won't be able to fix the faucet"
"Nooo!!! She yells for the last time
She starts to cry and accepts defeat, all the while I just stand there frozen not knowing what to do. She gets up and walks away frustrated. I let her go in peace so that she may not be disturbed and quickly bend over to try to fix the faucet myself. I get the wrench and start twisting. Surprisingly enough it was harder than I had anticipated. I twisted at a normal level at first and gradually twisted harder in order to make sure I wouldn't injure myself. Two minutes later I finally realize that even after twisting at full power, there was just no way that the nut on the faucet would budge. I give up and walk away as well.

The End

Interpretation: In my opinion, I feel like the faucet represents the relationship I had with Lizzy. Granted, she didn't try to fix our relationship, but she did struggle with deciding whether she wanted to remain my girlfriend or not. On the other hand, I did the best I could to get her back. I really did. It was the most painful 3 months of my life but I made it through. I guess this is where that saying about controlling one's destiny would make sense for interpreting my dream.

"Tattle-Tale"
I wake up in Lizzy's house again, only this time I'm on her bed next to her. She wakes up and we start talking. Little did I know, my shirt was off, meaning that she was able to see my X mark on my chest. She asks me about it and so I tell her why I have it. She gets a little freaked out once I tell her that it was carved. I ask her to not tell anyone, especially my parents. She says ok and gets out of bed. I ask her where she's going and she replies, "Just outside in the living room."
I say "ok" and lay down in bed for a few minutes. But then I get tired of waiting for her to come back and so I get up and make my way to the door. Before I open it though, I overhear multiple voices coming from outside of the room. I stop and try to eavesdrop on whatever it may be that they're talking about but I can't hear any words in this dream. So, I open the door and notice Lizzy's family all focusing their eyes on me. There's an awkward silence for a few seconds which is then suddenly broken by Lizzy's grandma. She comes towards me with her hand pointing at my chest saying she's going to call my parents and tell them what I've been doing to myself.
I beg her not to but the rest of her family start telling me things at the same time trying to make me feel guilty. I wish for everyone to disappear so that I may no longer feel this guilt that has been added to my shoulders. Instead I wake up.

The End

Interpretation: Two things that I can interpret from this dream. One: Lizzy broke up with my because I cut myself; it caused her fear and worry. And two: Maybe I was supposed to feel guilty in this dream so that I may no longer cut myself since God doesn't appreciate it when we self inflict pain. It wasn't until Jackie made me promise that I wouldn't cut myself that I actually stopped though.

"Lizzy the Love Angel"
My dream starts with me riding a bicycle with 3 other guys in Santa Ana close by Lizzy's house. One of the guys looks like a teenage version of Pauly D from Jersey Shore; I laugh quietly to myself because of his funny hairdo. We keep riding until we get to Lizzy's house. We start talking for a while and then ask her if she wants to hang out and she happily says yes. We go to my grandma's house and chill for a while until suddenly Lizzy puts her arms around my shoulders. I get nervous because the guys I was riding with are staring, but it doesn't bother her at all. She acts like as if they aren't even there.
As she's about to kiss me, I back away and say "Lizzy, not here, there's people watching. I'd rather be alone with you." She gives me a disappointed look at first, and then replies "Ok". I say ok as well and expect her to let go, but rather than that she lunges her lips towards mine and catches me off guard causing my eyes to shut. I savor the kiss since I know I've wanted one from her for the longest time as well. After a few seconds of heaven I remember that my friends are watching and get nervous again. So I open my eyes and try to back away from Lizzy.
To my surprise though, they're not there. We aren't even at my grandma's house anymore; we're lying down on a white bed in a white room with white curtains. I guess the expression "7 minutes in heaven" was no longer just a saying in this dream, it was real. I look back at Lizzy in confusion and notice her wings which only makes me feel more confused. When I focus my attention back to her, she smiles at me like as if it's nothing new to her. Then she leans in closer…

The End

Interpretation: Lizzy is symbolized as an angel, which is ironic since I used to call her "The Devil" behind her back. Maybe it's supposed to show me that even though she has done some things that are considered morally wrong; there is more to her than meets the eye. I just need to get to know her better.

"A Sweet Invitation"
       Brittany and I are hanging out in her car. We go to my house and hang out some more. A piece of dialogue that I recall starts out with her talking about her dad and how he's a big comic nerd. I tell her that I'd like to meet him some day since I like super heroes too. She smiles and says that I will. After that, we depart and she leaves to her house. A few minutes later I hear a knock on my door, so I answer. An old chubby man wearing a black dress shirt and grey slacks happens to be standing in front of my door holding some cheesecake. He actually looks like the father with amnesia from the movie 50/50. We stare awkwardly at each other for a while until I finally break the silence and say, "Uhhh…hi. Can I help you?"
He responds, "Oh! Yes, hi. Brittany told me to come over and invite you to her birthday party."
"Hmmm, I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it. There's another party I'm supposed to go to with family." I say
"Oh, its fine. Brittany just wanted you to have this slice of cheesecake and let you know that you're invited to her party." he says
"Oh, ok. Well then, tell her I said happy birthday and thank you." I reply with a smile
He smiles too and walks away. When night time comes, I step out of my house and notice that the night looks like Halloween. The trees are missing their leaves, it's really dark and there are pumpkins outside houses. I head over to the family party. As soon as I set foot on the driveway, I hear someone whispering "pssst!" I turn my head, and coincidentally enough Brittany just happens to live next door. She waves her hand signaling me to come over.
I tell her, "I can't. I have to go to my family's party."
She whispers again, "Come over here."
So I walk over to her and say, "What?" She grabs my neck and pulls me towards her. I receive an unexpected kiss. I open my eyes and look at her in shock, thinking about what her boyfriend would've said if he had seen. I keep staring at her expecting an explanation, but instead she smiles, waves goodbye and says, "Enjoy your party."

The End

Interpretation: Unknown.

"Lucky Day"
I wake up walking into a store that is most likely supposed to resemble the inside of the Boise mall. As I walk in I notice there's a $20 bill on the floor. I look around to see if anyone else has seen in order to save myself from feeling guilty by picking it up. Fortunately for me everyone else is too busy shopping. I bend over and pick up the $20 bill feeling lucky until I realize that there are two guys in front of me that have been standing near the bill since I walked in. Fortunately their backs are facing me and are too busy socializing to notice me staring at them temporarily. I think about whether I should keep the money or ask if it belongs to them.
I decide to ask them as opposed to keeping it. Most people would probably keep it, but being me, I don't like carrying guilt on my shoulders. So I approach the two gentlemen and ask them, "Excuse me, do these $20 belong to either of you two?" They shake their heads looking at me weird like as if I just asked them a stupid question and say, "Naw dawg, that's not ours." I say, "Ok then, never mind." And just as I'm about to turn around, I don't…because a familiar voice from behind me yells out, "Hey, those are my $20!" I pause momentarily and ask myself, "Brittany?"
When I turn around, I happen to find her looking at me with her hands on her hips, waiting…as if expecting me to hand over her money right away.
"Oh crap, sorry, I'm just surprised to see you here. Here's your money." She gives me her signature Brittany smile and asks me,
"Did I scare you?"
"No…well, yeah a little. I thought I was going to get in trouble for finding someone else's money." I say timidly
"Oh no, you're fine" she says as she laughs.
"You wanna go sit down and chill on the couch over there? I ask her
"Sure" she says
We head over to the couch and converse for a while. I make her laugh frequently and admire her smile but try not to stare too much since I don't want to send of the wrong messages. As we continue sharing laughs, we suddenly get interrupted by the two guys I talked to earlier.
"Ay yo dawg, member those $20 you asked us about? Well, turns out it's ours. We want them back." He chuckles with his buddy thinking their little joke is funny.
I reply back, "They're not yours, they're hers. You guys told me it wasn't yours."
"Yeah? Well I forgot ok dawg? Now gimme my money" he says threateningly
"No" I say quietly while trying to control my tone
"What? You wanna take this outside?" he asks
"I'd rather not"
They look at Brittany and ask her if I'm her boyfriend. She replies no but they make fun of her anyway by saying she's hanging out with a pussy. I get pissed and look at them with piercing eyes.
"Leave now, or else things are gonna get ugly" I say with a angry tone
"What?" say the two jerks
"I said, leave….now"
I don't know what it is about my eyes, but for some reason in this dream they were enough to inject fear into the two jerks and scare them off. I do know one thing though, my mind tried to imitate the moment in Twilight where Edwards scares off the rapists to protect Bella. Anyway, after they leave, I sit back down and look at Brittany in a way like as if I'm nervous of what she's going to say after witnessing that. Ironically enough, it turns her on; she gives me the "Summer" look and it throws me off.
"Ummm…what?" I say to her
She doesn't respond…rather, she gets on top of me cowgirl style and kisses me. For some reason I don't resist like I normally would. I just let her do her thing and I guess make the most out of her "thank you".

The End

Interpretation: Women that I am attracted to motivate me, it's a fact. This dream was most likely around the 2nd or 3rd week of swim since I always thought of Brittany as motivation during those weeks. That being said, if Brittany was my girlfriend and she was being harassed, I would not just stand there and try to be passive. I have matured, my confidence has increased over the years, meaning I would have the will to fight or at least stick up for someone else now. Also, I believe I subconsciously feel protective over Brittany even though I don't feel like I do.

"Making Out"
Wow…not much to say here. The title pretty much says it all. But I guess I'll go into the few details that there are. Ok let's see…all I can remember is me waking up sitting next to Brittany in my room in the dark talking. I don't know what we're saying but I know it's not good since we're not laughing like we usually are. Her face looks serious and disappointed. I remember the dialogue was similar to a memory that we had since I happen to recall her saying something about Kyle. It's only the setting that had been altered. Apparently he was acting like a jerk to her and that's probably why she came to my house in the first place; maybe she wanted someone to vent out to.
After she's done though, she looks into my eyes and says something…I don't remember what it was but I can tell by my reaction that she's trying to seduce me and I suddenly get nervous. I tell her that she shouldn't or else she will break her promise of not cheating, but she doesn't care. She tells me, "Kyle doesn't have to know" and I respond back with nothing but awe and shock. She leans in closer and I slowly back away wanting to kiss her but not wanting to be a home wrecker at the same time. Once I can't move back any further, I stop and she corners me. I look at her nervously and she says, "You know you want me." All the while in my head I'm saying, "Fuck, I don't know if I should." Without anymore hesitation, Brittany puts her lips on mine.
I push her off at first, thinking whether I really want this or not and finally, my conscience says, "You'll probably never get this chance again. Just do it." Being the pessimist that I am, I agree with myself and give in. I look at Brittany and say, "Man fuck this." I pin her down on my bed and kiss her enjoying every second I have. Then I wake up.

The End

Interpretation: My inner desires got the best of me only because they were brought out and I couldn't resist. This tells me that even though I refuse to flirt with girls that are taken, I am still vulnerable to seduction. In reality I would most likely stop myself, but because I keep having dreams about Brittany, it is possible that I probably would give in and kiss her if the moment were to ever come. Life is short, not too many pretty girls like her come into my life, mostly because I avoid them, but deep inside me, I know I want a girl that's physically beautiful.

"It's Ok"
This dream starts out with me hanging out with Brittany in the middle of the night near a big rock that resembles the one from Camp Ida-Haven, only instead it has words carved in it rather than painted. We also happen to be standing in the parking area near the mall that seems to resemble the Burlington Factor in Garden Grove CA, where I live. Brittany and I seem to be having a conversation about who knows what. She laughs at something I said and I smile back. A few minutes later we decide to go to the mall to kill some more time, but suddenly Brittany falls to her knees and can't get up. I ask her if she's ok and she replies, "I can't move my legs".
I quickly bend over and try to help her stand up but she can't. She starts freaking out and starts tearing. My heart starts pounding and I get nervous because I never like to see girls cry. I pick her up and carry her in my arms so that she won't have to suffer anymore trying to stand up. She tries to stop her excessive crying and focuses on the fact that I'm holding her close to me, wondering if I'm just being friendly or if I'm carrying her because I care for her in such way that a lover would. She looks into my eyes and I look into hers, I can't help but smile and say, "It's Ok." I start walking towards the mall…and the dream ends.

The End

Interpretation: I know this dream was created from my trip to McCall where I met Brittany for the 1st time; she said my piano skills were pretty good. That's why we were standing near the rock. As for part about me carrying her; perhaps it symbolizes me helping Brittany throughout college or just life in general. She's a really good track runner but maybe some days her legs won't be able to get her where she needs to be. So, I'm the one who's going to have to assist her by being her crutch even if she doesn't want me to . And as for the whole caring part…I just find her highly attractive. I do think about what it would be like if we were together but in the end I always choose to repress my emotions since I know we wouldn't work out. It's best if I stay friends with her; not to mention I wouldn't lose her over a relationship.

"The Race" (Takes place near mobile homes in CA where I used to live)
I recall doing other things in my dream before this one started but it's all cloudy. Oh well, the 2nd part of this dream starts out with Brittany and I racing against each other. I'm driving a grey Honda Accord while she uses a pink bicycle for some odd reason. Ironically enough I go between 15 and 20 mph. I'm barely ahead of her making it seem as if I will be the winner. However, when I'm about 40-50 ft. away from the finish line I notice Brittany's facial expressions change to those of a child who is about to cry. This quickly gives me black hole feeling inside my chest and forces me to slow down to 5mph. Brittany sees her opportunity and takes it.
As she passes me by, everything goes in slow motion, I look to my side and see nothing but her smile and sparkling eyes. She crosses the white painted finish line in first and I in second. I park the car on the curb so that I may get out an congratulate her. She drops her bicycle on the sidewalk a few inches from my car and runs in my direction to squeeze the air out of my lungs.
"Oh my god, thank you, thank you, thank you!" she exclaims
"Heh heh, you're welcome. I couldn't bare to see you cry, so I let you win."
"Awww, thank you." she replies
"Yeah, no problem." I said
The dream goes hazy after this moment.

The End

Interpretation: I don't know how else to interpret this dream other than to say that I would probably do whatever it takes to prevent Brittany from crying tears of sadness. I know she's not my girl friend and will never be but I can't help but feel this attachment towards her; I noticed she feels attached to me too, just not as much. This has made me come to the conclusion that although I am not interested in dating her, I care for her because I am attracted to her.

"The Maze"
After I enter the mall of which I was supposed to explore with Brittany in my "It's Ok" dream I end up finding out that she is no longer in my arms. I look around for her in the mall but instead find Jessica. She's wearing a black dress that my mind altered from her black shirt. She smiles and comes over to greet me. She hugs me and I hug her back, but not like I usually do since I'm still trying to figure out what happened to Brittany and why Jessica is the person I'm with now. I quickly stop thinking about it and come back to Jessica to see what she wants. We make small talk for a minute or two. She then grabs my hand firmly and takes me with her to walk around the mall. I end up realizing there's no one in the mall but us and the lights are dim.
She takes me to a maze in the middle of the mall. She lets go of my hand, heads into the maze and disappears. I look around like a dumb ass to see if anyone is around. With no one in sight, I head into the maze and disappear as well. I try looking for her around every corner but no luck. I quickly get scared and start running through the maze expecting to find Jessica or at least the exit this crazy dark maze. After a few minutes of running I finally find my way out, and to my surprise Jessica happens to be waiting on the other side for me, smiling. Although I feel relieved to see her again, I also feel disturbed for what she put me through. I go up to her expecting an explanation but she just grabs my hand again and takes me walking around the mall instead.

The End

Interpretation: I highly doubt it, but maybe…just maybe, this means that although she abandoned me in reality, she will come back into my life with an open hand and I will accept her friendship once more. This would probably explain why I had to run through a maze just to find her; right now I'm lost, but in the future I will find her again.

"Blind"
I wake up in a room with vibrant scarlet red walls next to Jessica. I try to get up but realize that my arm is under her back. I try to pull my arm out, she moves a little but not enough for me to be free. I try to pull once more, she rolls over to the side which allows me to pull out. However, right when I think I'm free to go, she quickly sits up and wraps her arms and legs around me, constricting me mildly. I get nervous and look around to see if anyone else is around to help me. I notice Gabby just outside the room sitting on a red couch staring at me shaking her head slowly in disappointment like as if she's trying to warn me. I start trying to talk to Jessica to see if it wakes her up, "Hey, hey Jessica. Gabby's watching. Wake up. Let me go."
She doesn't wake up, rather she pulls me down towards her and kisses me. I hesitate to kiss her back wondering if this is what Gabby was warning me about, but I ignore my thoughts and give into my temptations. We kiss some more. She tries to take off my clothes but I don't let her; this doesn't please her. She tries to forcefully take my clothes off but because I am stronger than her I hold her down and try to calm her down by kissing her gently. She opens her eyes, but not the way I had expected.
She seems terrified, like as if she had just seen a ghost or something even though she's looking into my familiar eyes. She tries to escape but I try to calm her down again. This time I succeed and she closes her eyes again, laying underneath me, peacefully. I lay down next to her and fall asleep.

The End

Interpretation: This dream is the most unique out all the Jessica ones I've had. I call this one "Blind" because I'm referring to the cliché expression "love is blind". In this case, Jessica has her eyes closed meaning she cannot see whom she is touching, kissing or holding. When she opens her eyes however, she can see, but for some reason I am not what she was looking for. I believe Jessica didn't know what she was getting into when she was dating me. Only when she found out about my past did she decide to reject me. Therefore, love is blind, because although I have a hard time of letting go of the past, I was still willing to fully commit to her…she just failed to see that.
On another note, two other things I'd like to point out about my dream are: the red walls and Gabby. The red walls were the same color as the walls I saw in the room I was in with Jackie in my dream titled "Nurse Jackie/ The X Letter." I think this is because I believed Jessica was going to be the one who was going to help me get over Jackie, but unfortunately that didn't happen. Then there's Gabby. I think the reason she was shaking her head as a sign of warning was because she was representing my conscience. I remember when I kissed Jessica for the first time I was still in a relationship with Sabrina, yet I didn't even consider stopping myself from letting Jessica kiss me. I let it happen, and ended up losing both Jessica and Sabrina.

"Stabbed in the Back"
I wake up on a beach, just like Leonardo Dicaprio's Character in the movie Inception. I pick myself up and analyze my surroundings. I realize that even the buildings that are falling apart from the movie are in my dream as well. I turn to my right and notice a classroom on the beach that looks like a demolished version of Covelle 4 from the College of Idaho. There's a female teacher teaching a class. I notice Brian and Jessica in the classroom sitting next to each other. As I walk towards them I wonder how they could possibly use computers on a beach with no power. I disregard my thought and sit next to Brian.
"Hey bro, what are you doing here?" I ask enthusiastically
"Huh? Oh, hey Kristian. What's uuuuup!" he says happily.
The audio goes mute after this and I just see myself looking down trying to process and talk about what's new in my life. When I look up though, I notice Brian kissing Jessica. My heart disappears…and fills up with a dark empty feeling…like a black hole. Yet, I don't say anything. And the dream ends.

The End

Interpretation: I remember kissing Karen once, Brian's Ex and Jackie's Sister.  I'm pretty sure he didn't appreciate that. I think this dream was meant to show me how he must've felt even though it was very late. We're best friends and this is something that we wouldn't expect from each other. Thankfully this one was just a dream. As for Jessica, I think I was just afraid of seeing her with someone else since I thought she was going to be "the one".

"Smoking Hot" (F.Y.I. this is a short dream)
I see Jessica in the corner table in what seems to be the cafeteria from McCain in the College of Idaho. She pulls out a cigarette and starts smoking. I walk up to her and ask she recently started. She tells me that she only does it every once in a while, but in truth I know she's been smoking for quite a while, in my dream that is. I walk away disappointed in her and don't look back.

The End

Interpretation: Brittany and I were talking about girls smoking the previous day when I had this dream. I'm pretty sure it was just information my mind was processing on what happened earlier that day…only with an actual scenario. Never the less, girls who smoke are not hot, it's just gross.

Description
Dreams & Desires
by Kristian Bolanos

"The Park"
This is the first dream I ever had about Jackie. It's short, but it's one of my favorite dreams of all time. The scenery opens up with a bright sparkling green grass field with sparkling dandelions floating in the air. The sun is really bright but not too bright, it makes everything more pleasing to the eye actually. My view changes to a couple sitting down next to a tree. As I get a closer view, I realize the couple happens to be me and Jackie. My arms are wrapped around her while she sits in front of me gently gripping my wrists. We sit there for a long period of time enjoying the beautiful scenery. Unfortunately, that's the end of it.

The End

Interpretation: This is one of those dreams that was created from a memory. Although loosely based, it still tells me that I really wanted to share a moment exactly like it in the park where we had our first date. I wanted to share a moment like this so bad that it actually inspired to make a drawing out of it, and a story. Little did I know how much this dream would change me forever.

"Nurse Jackie/The X Letter"
My dream begins with me walking in my neighborhood in Garden Grove CA. It's night time and I'm trying to find my house. For some reason, all the houses are painted different colors, just like the ones in the movie Edward Scissorhands. I arrive at my destination, a blue house. The front door is open; I question whether someone is home or someone has broken in and forgotten to close the door. I decide to walk in a stealthy manner.
I look around from the entrance…no sight of anyone. I go in deeper and try to make my steps as quiet as possible. I get to the door leading to my room; it's closed. I put my hand on the knob and twist it slowly and steadily. I peek into the right side, no one there. I open the door all the way and look to my left. To my surprise, I find Jackie in my room, her back facing me, kneeling down and writing something on my table. I pause to see if she noticed me walking in.
"Ummm…Jackie?" I call to her
"Hold on, I'm almost done" she replies back
"Done with what?" I ask
"I said hold on!" she yells.
"Uhh…ok" I say quietly
"There! I'm done." says Jackie
She comes up to me, stops and hands me what seems to be a letter.
"Here you go…" she says
Unfortunately, after those 3 words I can't remember any other audio from my dream. I just remember that she told me something about the letter that had to with either her being my ex or something about my ex girlfriends. Anyway, back to the story. I take the letter from Jackie and open my mouth to say something but before I can, she walks out my room. I chase after her and ask her where she's going.
When she turns around, everything freezes which causes me to pay attention to what she's wearing even though I already knew when I walked in my room. It looked liked one of those slutty outfits girls wear on Halloween; one of those naughty nurse outfits. It looked almost exactly like the one Harley Quinn (from Batman) wears in the video game "Batman: Arkham Asylum". Not to sound like horn dog, but damn, she looked F***ING SEXY and I wanted to take her back to my room.
To my disappointment, that didn't happen. Jackie tells me where she was heading out to but I don't remember what exactly she said. I just nod and say "ok". She walks out and I walk back into my room. I realize how bright scarlet red the walls in my room are even though there is not too much lighting. I sit down on my bed and open the letter, I read it, but since this was a dream I can't remember what it was that I read. I actually find myself sleeping not too long after.
A couple hours pass and I wake up…feeling sick. The lights in my room seem brighter than before and it causes my eyes to squint. My whole body feels like someone filled it with bricks. I try to get up but I can't. Then Jackie walks in with the same outfit. It gives me this feeling of being in a hospital…only with a hot nurse. She comes up to me and puts her hand on my forehead.
"You're hot" she says
"Ughhh…." I respond like a zombie.
"Heh heh, don't worry, I got some medicine. Here, open up"  says nurse Jackie
"Awwwww….ewwww" I say disappointingly while making a face as if I had just tried to eat a lemon.
A few seconds after I swallowed the medicine, the heavy brick feeling starts going away, my head doesn't feel hot and I can stop squinting; my heart even starts beating fast. I sit up and place my hand on my chest to show Jackie that I'm focusing on my heart rate. I look back up at her and smile.

The End

Interpretation: Hmmm…ok there's two obvious things here that stand out. One: Jackie is a nurse because she's my medicine. The medicine itself wasn't really what healed me, it was the idea of Jackie taking care of me that did. This explains my fast beating heart. My heart always starts beating fast when I see her in the real world. This time my heart started beating fast because it was happy to know that Jackie cared about me.
The other obvious thing is that I like it when girls wear Lingerie. To be honest though, I never tried imagining Jackie in one, I guess it was just the fact that I find it arousing that my mind decided to make the nurse outfit all…erotic. She didn't need to look hot to play a nurse, but it sure did work out a lot better. Oh, and the red walls, I'm pretty sure they were red to set the mood. When girls wear a red dress or have their picture framed with a red border, men find it more sexually arousing. So, I think the red walls were supposed to symbolize love and desire; two things of which I've always felt for Jackie.
Last but not least, the letter…I can't remember what it was about anymore but I remember when I woke up, it was of some importance to my life. Sadly, I forgot as the time went by so all I can really say is it had something to do with an ex / X

"On Top"
My eyes open…and what do you know…Jackie is on top of me. I look at her and check to see if she's naked or not. And she's not. She's wearing a black v-neck shirt, blue short shorts, high black leg warmers and black vans shoes. I look back at Jackie; she's still looking at me. I look around the area, we're in my room again, with the same red walls. I look back at Jackie once more. I try to push her way because my body starts burning with guilt. Because I've never done anything like this with her, I feel like I'm taking advantage even though she was the one that was on top of me. As I try to get up she pushes me back down aggressively. She leans her head down and kisses me. We start making out and yeah…you get the picture.

The End

Interpretation: What's there to interpret? I just had a dream about something I've always wanted to experience with Jackie. Nothing else.

"Moving Forward"
I'm walking in The Block (an outside mall in CA). For some unknown reason I decide to lay down on the concrete. Jackie comes out of nowhere on my left side with Brian's white Mitsubishi Eclipse. She pulls down her window and asks if I need a ride. I say, "Uhhh, yeah sure." I get in the car and we head out of the mall. We start talking about stuff but I have no idea what was said. We soon find ourselves stuck in traffic. Jackie gets frustrated and starts honking her horn. She exhales heavily and says, "I found someone new."
I immediately feel a knife stab my heart. I look at her and try to figure out something to say, but nothing comes to mind. So, I congratulate her and try to make it seem like I'm happy for her, but really the black hole feeling is back again.
"Uhhh, you know what? I think I can walk the rest of the way from here." I tell her as an excuse to be alone.
"Are you sure?" she asks confused
"Yeah."
"Ummm…ok…"
I get out of the car and start walking down. I don't even bother looking back to say goodbye.

The End

Interpretation: This dream is called "Moving Forward" because Jackie is in a car and trying to move on. However when I get in the car, we get stuck in traffic and go nowhere. I think this dream was trying to show me that It's not my destiny to be with Jackie. She has her own road to travel and I have mine.

"She'll Never Know"
Jackie and I are at a house in a desert that looks like Victorville, CA. We're having a good time just chilling and sharing laughs. However, when I decide to bring up the past, things get quiet. Jackie tells me she still has a boyfriend. So, I apologize for throwing out my feelings like always do. I get up and start walking away. I start feeling my eyes water. A tear comes out, then another, and another. I hear Jackie calling my name; I stop but don't turn around for her to see my face. With only 8-10 feet away from her, I respond back, "You'll never know how much you truly mean to me." I start bursting into tears even more and walk away.

The End

Interpretation: Damn…this one gets me all the time. Those 10 words are depressing but true. It's one of those pieces of information that only one individual will truly understand, this case me being that individual. I've always thought about whether Jackie truly understands how much she means to me, but end up telling myself that she doesn't. This causes me to do even more things for her to show her; hence the story I created for her. Every time I do though, I don't get the expected result. I end up having to try to find another way to win her heart only to find myself failing again.

"Winter Break"
I'm visiting California for winter break in my old childhood neighborhood. However, in my dream the park is twice as big. I arrive at the mobile homes knowing that Jackie lives there as well. It's still sunny out and so I tell my mom that I really want to visit her and she lets me go. I walk to Jackie's house and happen to find her outside. She's wearing short shorts, leg warmers, vans and a v-neck again, only this time the v-neck is white.
She looks over at my direction and gives me the biggest smile. She starts running towards me and gives me leap hug which catches me off guard. Luckily, I have quick reflexes which allows me to quickly grab Jackie so she won't slip and at the same time regain my balance.
"Ummm, hey…heh heh." I say nervously
"Oh my gawd hi!" she says enthusiastically
"Uhh, I was wondering if you could hang out." I ask Jackie
"I can't. I have to do chores first." she says disappointed
"Oh, ok..." I say disappointed as well
I tell her that I'll catch her some other time and leave. My dream gets hazy for a while and eventually skips to my last day during night time. I tell my mom I want to try to hang out with Jackie before I leave and she grants me permission. I walk over to Jackie's house again and knock on the door. She gets excited and starts jumping.
"Oh my god! Oh my god! Kristian!" she exclaims
"Hey, you're not busy are you? I wanted to hang out with you before I leave since we didn't get to hang out last time."
"Yeah, lets hang out! C'mon let's go walk."
She closes the door behind her, grabs my hand and we start walking around the neighborhood. I suddenly remember my intentions on visiting her were to give her my Mrs. Penguin keychain plushy. Instead I decide to give her my Mr. Penguin keychain to represent the concept about having a part of each other when not together.
"Oh, hey. I just remembered." I start out
"What?" she asks
"I wanted to give you this before I left...so that even though I'll be gone, I'll still be with you. And I'll have you with me as well."
She looks down at Mr. Penguin at first, and then looks back at me with an open jaw. Her eyes start watering. She gladly accepts her gift and squeezes me with her arms.
"Thank you" she whispers
"Uhh, yeah, you're welcome. You know I love you"
Jackie's face blushes and causes an awkward silence. She lets go and looks into my eyes with her rosy cheeks and sparkling eyes and smiles. We then continue walking around the neighborhood in the beautiful night. I eventually end up dropping her off at her house. On the way over though, I decide to carry her the rest of the way. Right after I pick her up though, she freaks out and says, "Put me down!"
"Why?" I say confused
"Because I have a boyfriend!" she says aloud
Damn…those 4 words again. I obey Jackie's command and put her down. However, I don't say anything since she knows exactly how I feel. It's during this moment that she realizes how many times she's had to say those words to me only to see me get hurt. I turn around and slowly start walking away. This causes Jackie to feel extremely guilty for being a constant reminder to me of how she'll always belong to someone else and not me. She runs towards me again and gives me another leap hug. With barely enough time to react, I catch her again. This time though, she grabs my cheeks and pulls me towards her lips.
Boom…the 4th of July all over again just like September 18, 2009. At first my reaction was to push her away since being a home wrecker is not my style…but after waiting for so long to finally get what I wanted I tell myself, "You're not gonna live forever. Take advantage of this moment because who knows if you'll ever get this opportunity again." I listen to my heart and accept Jackie's kiss. The dream stops here with us frozen in time, kissing and everything fades away.

The End

Interpretation: This is the dream that says it all. The penguins, the kiss and the moment of Jackie finally realizing no other man will lover her as much as I will. I would say this is the emotion I've had to repress for the longest time and most likely will for the rest of my life. So, in truth, I'd have to say this is officially my favorite dream because I got what I truly desired in life, Jackie.

"My True Love"
I'm sitting down on a wall talking to Sabrina at some random high school that's supposed to resemble Los Amigos High School in California, only with a bunch of trees, sparkling sunlight and luscious green vines coming out from the vibrant red brick walls. Jackie comes around with a few friends and asks me if I could hang out with her. I immediately look to Sabrina for her approval since she knows that I still have feelings for Jackie. She glares at me knowing that I'd rather leave with Jackie than stay with her.
"What are you looking at me for? If you wanna hang out with her go for it. I don't care." she says in an annoyed tone.
I look back at Jackie and say, "Ummm…sorry Jackie. I can't."
She looks at Sabrina briefly and then back at me and says, "Whatever"
Jackie walks away and I watch her, wishing I could hang out with her without Sabrina getting hurt. Sabrina notices me looking at her and says something negative about her that I can't remember but causes me to start arguing with her. For some reason, I can't have anyone say anything bad or cause any harm to Jackie…I guess this means that I have too much pride in her. So I just stop arguing with Sabrina and try to catch up to Jackie. She smiles, gives me a hug and venture out to wherever it is life takes us.

The End

Interpretation: This one is pretty obvious to interpret. I'm with Sabrina because I'm trying to get over my past, but my past always ends up coming back. So I give up trying to pretend that I'm happy with Sabrina and go back to the person that truly makes me happy.

"The Future"
I'm having sex with Sabrina in a futuristic environment that looks exactly like the city on the Citadel in Mass Effect. For some unknown reason though, I know I'm in Nietzscia's futuristic room, a friend of whom I had sexual relations with. Not to go into too much detail, but I will say that I'm on the bottom while Sabrina is on top, therefore giving me a view of the flying cars through the glass roof. I look into Sabrina's eyes momentarily and then back to the flying cars. Suddenly, a figure that has been in the same spot for the last few seconds staring at us attracts my attention. In reality I wouldn't have been able to identify who the person was from the distance we were at but luckily enough in my dream I had super vision and was able to see that it was Nietzscia.
"Oh fuck!" I exclaimed.
"What?" Sabrina asks confused
"It's Nietzscia! Fuck, get off me! We needa go!"
I quickly put my clothes back on and help Sabrina gather hers as well. We make it outside the apartment and I quickly check to see if Nietzscia was still there, but she's not. Then I turn my head slightly to the right and notice she's running in our direction.
"Oh, shit! Run!"
We sprint along the walkway trying to avoid bumping into people and see if there are any spots that we could hide in to lose Nietzscia. There's nothing. We keep running and running a while longer until Sabrina starts slowing down which causes me to slow down as well. I tell her we have to keep going, but as I look back to face her, I notice Nietzscia is nowhere to be seen. I tell Sabrina, "Hey, you know what. I think we can stop running. I don't see her anymore."
We catch our breath and start walking somewhere random.

The End

Interpretation: What the f***?

"The Circle"
I was having a date with Maggie in what seemed to look like the setting of Vincent Van Gogh's painting "Café Terra". As I look into Maggie's eyes to focus on what it was she was saying. Suddenly, the setting transforms into a white and pink cloudy dreamland with a water fountain in the middle of nowhere; a fountain that looks like the one in The Block (an outside mall in California). To my surprise, Maggie, Sabrina and Lizzy are all sitting down on the fountain as if they're waiting for something or someone.
I walk towards Sabrina 1st since she was the closest. I look at her and tell her the main reason why I love her and give her a rose. Right then and there it's pretty obvious that my dream has turned into one of those reality bachelor  shows where the guy has to make a decision of which one he loves the most. I kiss Sabrina on the cheek and then make my way to Maggie. She turns to face me, but instead of a welcoming smile, she glares at me. I realize that she most likely saw me kiss Sabrina and therefore caused her to get jealous. Despite that I still tell her why I love her and give her a kiss on the cheek and hand her a rose as well.
I turn to head towards Lizzy.As I make my way over, a black cloud poofs near her and a thief appears and sits next to her.  He looks at me like he's trying to warn me not touch or kiss Lizzy. I ignore him and tell Lizzy why I love her. When I attempt to give her a kiss the thief grabs her and disappears leaving a black cloud. When the cloud clears up, I notice Sabrina and Maggie stand up and walk away from the fountain. I get a sudden feeling of guilt in my stomach and start thinking about what I did to deserve being abandoned. Perhaps, it was because I tried to kiss them all…who knows though.

The End

Interpretation: Hmm…I believe this dream is reflecting how I used to try to juggle more than one chick at once. Of course, not while I was going out with them, just playing the field pretty much. Still, I think I was just supposed to see what kissing more than one girl at a time can do, hence "The Thief". I guess he's supposed symbolize jealousy with a bit of karma.



"Irreparable"
I wake up in Lizzy's house on her couch wondering where she is. I get up and look around for her. As I enter the kitchen, I notice her in the floor trying to fix a faucet; why there's a faucet attached to the floor, I don't know. I observe her for a few seconds and notice that she's trying to forcefully fix it but is showing no sign of progress. I bend down to help her, but right when I touch her hand she immediately gets defensive and stares at me with these killer eyes. I back away slowly for a brief moment and think about how to approach her so that I may help.
"Lizzy, you should let me help you." I say
"No!" she yells
"Please, let me help you"
"Nooo!" she yells again
"If you don't let me you won't be able to fix the faucet"
"Nooo!!! She yells for the last time
She starts to cry and accepts defeat, all the while I just stand there frozen not knowing what to do. She gets up and walks away frustrated. I let her go in peace so that she may not be disturbed and quickly bend over to try to fix the faucet myself. I get the wrench and start twisting. Surprisingly enough it was harder than I had anticipated. I twisted at a normal level at first and gradually twisted harder in order to make sure I wouldn't injure myself. Two minutes later I finally realize that even after twisting at full power, there was just no way that the nut on the faucet would budge. I give up and walk away as well.

The End

Interpretation: In my opinion, I feel like the faucet represents the relationship I had with Lizzy. Granted, she didn't try to fix our relationship, but she did struggle with deciding whether she wanted to remain my girlfriend or not. On the other hand, I did the best I could to get her back. I really did. It was the most painful 3 months of my life but I made it through. I guess this is where that saying about controlling one's destiny would make sense for interpreting my dream.

"Tattle-Tale"
I wake up in Lizzy's house again, only this time I'm on her bed next to her. She wakes up and we start talking. Little did I know, my shirt was off, meaning that she was able to see my X mark on my chest. She asks me about it and so I tell her why I have it. She gets a little freaked out once I tell her that it was carved. I ask her to not tell anyone, especially my parents. She says ok and gets out of bed. I ask her where she's going and she replies, "Just outside in the living room."
I say "ok" and lay down in bed for a few minutes. But then I get tired of waiting for her to come back and so I get up and make my way to the door. Before I open it though, I overhear multiple voices coming from outside of the room. I stop and try to eavesdrop on whatever it may be that they're talking about but I can't hear any words in this dream. So, I open the door and notice Lizzy's family all focusing their eyes on me. There's an awkward silence for a few seconds which is then suddenly broken by Lizzy's grandma. She comes towards me with her hand pointing at my chest saying she's going to call my parents and tell them what I've been doing to myself.
I beg her not to but the rest of her family start telling me things at the same time trying to make me feel guilty. I wish for everyone to disappear so that I may no longer feel this guilt that has been added to my shoulders. Instead I wake up.

The End

Interpretation: Two things that I can interpret from this dream. One: Lizzy broke up with my because I cut myself; it caused her fear and worry. And two: Maybe I was supposed to feel guilty in this dream so that I may no longer cut myself since God doesn't appreciate it when we self inflict pain. It wasn't until Jackie made me promise that I wouldn't cut myself that I actually stopped though.

"Lizzy the Love Angel"
My dream starts with me riding a bicycle with 3 other guys in Santa Ana close by Lizzy's house. One of the guys looks like a teenage version of Pauly D from Jersey Shore; I laugh quietly to myself because of his funny hairdo. We keep riding until we get to Lizzy's house. We start talking for a while and then ask her if she wants to hang out and she happily says yes. We go to my grandma's house and chill for a while until suddenly Lizzy puts her arms around my shoulders. I get nervous because the guys I was riding with are staring, but it doesn't bother her at all. She acts like as if they aren't even there.
As she's about to kiss me, I back away and say "Lizzy, not here, there's people watching. I'd rather be alone with you." She gives me a disappointed look at first, and then replies "Ok". I say ok as well and expect her to let go, but rather than that she lunges her lips towards mine and catches me off guard causing my eyes to shut. I savor the kiss since I know I've wanted one from her for the longest time as well. After a few seconds of heaven I remember that my friends are watching and get nervous again. So I open my eyes and try to back away from Lizzy.
To my surprise though, they're not there. We aren't even at my grandma's house anymore; we're lying down on a white bed in a white room with white curtains. I guess the expression "7 minutes in heaven" was no longer just a saying in this dream, it was real. I look back at Lizzy in confusion and notice her wings which only makes me feel more confused. When I focus my attention back to her, she smiles at me like as if it's nothing new to her. Then she leans in closer…

The End

Interpretation: Lizzy is symbolized as an angel, which is ironic since I used to call her "The Devil" behind her back. Maybe it's supposed to show me that even though she has done some things that are considered morally wrong; there is more to her than meets the eye. I just need to get to know her better.

"A Sweet Invitation"
       Brittany and I are hanging out in her car. We go to my house and hang out some more. A piece of dialogue that I recall starts out with her talking about her dad and how he's a big comic nerd. I tell her that I'd like to meet him some day since I like super heroes too. She smiles and says that I will. After that, we depart and she leaves to her house. A few minutes later I hear a knock on my door, so I answer. An old chubby man wearing a black dress shirt and grey slacks happens to be standing in front of my door holding some cheesecake. He actually looks like the father with amnesia from the movie 50/50. We stare awkwardly at each other for a while until I finally break the silence and say, "Uhhh…hi. Can I help you?"
He responds, "Oh! Yes, hi. Brittany told me to come over and invite you to her birthday party."
"Hmmm, I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it. There's another party I'm supposed to go to with family." I say
"Oh, its fine. Brittany just wanted you to have this slice of cheesecake and let you know that you're invited to her party." he says
"Oh, ok. Well then, tell her I said happy birthday and thank you." I reply with a smile
He smiles too and walks away. When night time comes, I step out of my house and notice that the night looks like Halloween. The trees are missing their leaves, it's really dark and there are pumpkins outside houses. I head over to the family party. As soon as I set foot on the driveway, I hear someone whispering "pssst!" I turn my head, and coincidentally enough Brittany just happens to live next door. She waves her hand signaling me to come over.
I tell her, "I can't. I have to go to my family's party."
She whispers again, "Come over here."
So I walk over to her and say, "What?" She grabs my neck and pulls me towards her. I receive an unexpected kiss. I open my eyes and look at her in shock, thinking about what her boyfriend would've said if he had seen. I keep staring at her expecting an explanation, but instead she smiles, waves goodbye and says, "Enjoy your party."

The End

Interpretation: Unknown.

"Lucky Day"
I wake up walking into a store that is most likely supposed to resemble the inside of the Boise mall. As I walk in I notice there's a $20 bill on the floor. I look around to see if anyone else has seen in order to save myself from feeling guilty by picking it up. Fortunately for me everyone else is too busy shopping. I bend over and pick up the $20 bill feeling lucky until I realize that there are two guys in front of me that have been standing near the bill since I walked in. Fortunately their backs are facing me and are too busy socializing to notice me staring at them temporarily. I think about whether I should keep the money or ask if it belongs to them.
I decide to ask them as opposed to keeping it. Most people would probably keep it, but being me, I don't like carrying guilt on my shoulders. So I approach the two gentlemen and ask them, "Excuse me, do these $20 belong to either of you two?" They shake their heads looking at me weird like as if I just asked them a stupid question and say, "Naw dawg, that's not ours." I say, "Ok then, never mind." And just as I'm about to turn around, I don't…because a familiar voice from behind me yells out, "Hey, those are my $20!" I pause momentarily and ask myself, "Brittany?"
When I turn around, I happen to find her looking at me with her hands on her hips, waiting…as if expecting me to hand over her money right away.
"Oh crap, sorry, I'm just surprised to see you here. Here's your money." She gives me her signature Brittany smile and asks me,
"Did I scare you?"
"No…well, yeah a little. I thought I was going to get in trouble for finding someone else's money." I say timidly
"Oh no, you're fine" she says as she laughs.
"You wanna go sit down and chill on the couch over there? I ask her
"Sure" she says
We head over to the couch and converse for a while. I make her laugh frequently and admire her smile but try not to stare too much since I don't want to send of the wrong messages. As we continue sharing laughs, we suddenly get interrupted by the two guys I talked to earlier.
"Ay yo dawg, member those $20 you asked us about? Well, turns out it's ours. We want them back." He chuckles with his buddy thinking their little joke is funny.
I reply back, "They're not yours, they're hers. You guys told me it wasn't yours."
"Yeah? Well I forgot ok dawg? Now gimme my money" he says threateningly
"No" I say quietly while trying to control my tone
"What? You wanna take this outside?" he asks
"I'd rather not"
They look at Brittany and ask her if I'm her boyfriend. She replies no but they make fun of her anyway by saying she's hanging out with a pussy. I get pissed and look at them with piercing eyes.
"Leave now, or else things are gonna get ugly" I say with a angry tone
"What?" say the two jerks
"I said, leave….now"
I don't know what it is about my eyes, but for some reason in this dream they were enough to inject fear into the two jerks and scare them off. I do know one thing though, my mind tried to imitate the moment in Twilight where Edwards scares off the rapists to protect Bella. Anyway, after they leave, I sit back down and look at Brittany in a way like as if I'm nervous of what she's going to say after witnessing that. Ironically enough, it turns her on; she gives me the "Summer" look and it throws me off.
"Ummm…what?" I say to her
She doesn't respond…rather, she gets on top of me cowgirl style and kisses me. For some reason I don't resist like I normally would. I just let her do her thing and I guess make the most out of her "thank you".

The End

Interpretation: Women that I am attracted to motivate me, it's a fact. This dream was most likely around the 2nd or 3rd week of swim since I always thought of Brittany as motivation during those weeks. That being said, if Brittany was my girlfriend and she was being harassed, I would not just stand there and try to be passive. I have matured, my confidence has increased over the years, meaning I would have the will to fight or at least stick up for someone else now. Also, I believe I subconsciously feel protective over Brittany even though I don't feel like I do.

"Making Out"
Wow…not much to say here. The title pretty much says it all. But I guess I'll go into the few details that there are. Ok let's see…all I can remember is me waking up sitting next to Brittany in my room in the dark talking. I don't know what we're saying but I know it's not good since we're not laughing like we usually are. Her face looks serious and disappointed. I remember the dialogue was similar to a memory that we had since I happen to recall her saying something about Kyle. It's only the setting that had been altered. Apparently he was acting like a jerk to her and that's probably why she came to my house in the first place; maybe she wanted someone to vent out to.
After she's done though, she looks into my eyes and says something…I don't remember what it was but I can tell by my reaction that she's trying to seduce me and I suddenly get nervous. I tell her that she shouldn't or else she will break her promise of not cheating, but she doesn't care. She tells me, "Kyle doesn't have to know" and I respond back with nothing but awe and shock. She leans in closer and I slowly back away wanting to kiss her but not wanting to be a home wrecker at the same time. Once I can't move back any further, I stop and she corners me. I look at her nervously and she says, "You know you want me." All the while in my head I'm saying, "Fuck, I don't know if I should." Without anymore hesitation, Brittany puts her lips on mine.
I push her off at first, thinking whether I really want this or not and finally, my conscience says, "You'll probably never get this chance again. Just do it." Being the pessimist that I am, I agree with myself and give in. I look at Brittany and say, "Man fuck this." I pin her down on my bed and kiss her enjoying every second I have. Then I wake up.

The End

Interpretation: My inner desires got the best of me only because they were brought out and I couldn't resist. This tells me that even though I refuse to flirt with girls that are taken, I am still vulnerable to seduction. In reality I would most likely stop myself, but because I keep having dreams about Brittany, it is possible that I probably would give in and kiss her if the moment were to ever come. Life is short, not too many pretty girls like her come into my life, mostly because I avoid them, but deep inside me, I know I want a girl that's physically beautiful.

"It's Ok"
This dream starts out with me hanging out with Brittany in the middle of the night near a big rock that resembles the one from Camp Ida-Haven, only instead it has words carved in it rather than painted. We also happen to be standing in the parking area near the mall that seems to resemble the Burlington Factor in Garden Grove CA, where I live. Brittany and I seem to be having a conversation about who knows what. She laughs at something I said and I smile back. A few minutes later we decide to go to the mall to kill some more time, but suddenly Brittany falls to her knees and can't get up. I ask her if she's ok and she replies, "I can't move my legs".
I quickly bend over and try to help her stand up but she can't. She starts freaking out and starts tearing. My heart starts pounding and I get nervous because I never like to see girls cry. I pick her up and carry her in my arms so that she won't have to suffer anymore trying to stand up. She tries to stop her excessive crying and focuses on the fact that I'm holding her close to me, wondering if I'm just being friendly or if I'm carrying her because I care for her in such way that a lover would. She looks into my eyes and I look into hers, I can't help but smile and say, "It's Ok." I start walking towards the mall…and the dream ends.

The End

Interpretation: I know this dream was created from my trip to McCall where I met Brittany for the 1st time; she said my piano skills were pretty good. That's why we were standing near the rock. As for part about me carrying her; perhaps it symbolizes me helping Brittany throughout college or just life in general. She's a really good track runner but maybe some days her legs won't be able to get her where she needs to be. So, I'm the one who's going to have to assist her by being her crutch even if she doesn't want me to . And as for the whole caring part…I just find her highly attractive. I do think about what it would be like if we were together but in the end I always choose to repress my emotions since I know we wouldn't work out. It's best if I stay friends with her; not to mention I wouldn't lose her over a relationship.

"The Race" (Takes place near mobile homes in CA where I used to live)
I recall doing other things in my dream before this one started but it's all cloudy. Oh well, the 2nd part of this dream starts out with Brittany and I racing against each other. I'm driving a grey Honda Accord while she uses a pink bicycle for some odd reason. Ironically enough I go between 15 and 20 mph. I'm barely ahead of her making it seem as if I will be the winner. However, when I'm about 40-50 ft. away from the finish line I notice Brittany's facial expressions change to those of a child who is about to cry. This quickly gives me black hole feeling inside my chest and forces me to slow down to 5mph. Brittany sees her opportunity and takes it.
As she passes me by, everything goes in slow motion, I look to my side and see nothing but her smile and sparkling eyes. She crosses the white painted finish line in first and I in second. I park the car on the curb so that I may get out an congratulate her. She drops her bicycle on the sidewalk a few inches from my car and runs in my direction to squeeze the air out of my lungs.
"Oh my god, thank you, thank you, thank you!" she exclaims
"Heh heh, you're welcome. I couldn't bare to see you cry, so I let you win."
"Awww, thank you." she replies
"Yeah, no problem." I said
The dream goes hazy after this moment.

The End

Interpretation: I don't know how else to interpret this dream other than to say that I would probably do whatever it takes to prevent Brittany from crying tears of sadness. I know she's not my girl friend and will never be but I can't help but feel this attachment towards her; I noticed she feels attached to me too, just not as much. This has made me come to the conclusion that although I am not interested in dating her, I care for her because I am attracted to her.

"The Maze"
After I enter the mall of which I was supposed to explore with Brittany in my "It's Ok" dream I end up finding out that she is no longer in my arms. I look around for her in the mall but instead find Jessica. She's wearing a black dress that my mind altered from her black shirt. She smiles and comes over to greet me. She hugs me and I hug her back, but not like I usually do since I'm still trying to figure out what happened to Brittany and why Jessica is the person I'm with now. I quickly stop thinking about it and come back to Jessica to see what she wants. We make small talk for a minute or two. She then grabs my hand firmly and takes me with her to walk around the mall. I end up realizing there's no one in the mall but us and the lights are dim.
She takes me to a maze in the middle of the mall. She lets go of my hand, heads into the maze and disappears. I look around like a dumb ass to see if anyone is around. With no one in sight, I head into the maze and disappear as well. I try looking for her around every corner but no luck. I quickly get scared and start running through the maze expecting to find Jessica or at least the exit this crazy dark maze. After a few minutes of running I finally find my way out, and to my surprise Jessica happens to be waiting on the other side for me, smiling. Although I feel relieved to see her again, I also feel disturbed for what she put me through. I go up to her expecting an explanation but she just grabs my hand again and takes me walking around the mall instead.

The End

Interpretation: I highly doubt it, but maybe…just maybe, this means that although she abandoned me in reality, she will come back into my life with an open hand and I will accept her friendship once more. This would probably explain why I had to run through a maze just to find her; right now I'm lost, but in the future I will find her again.

"Blind"
I wake up in a room with vibrant scarlet red walls next to Jessica. I try to get up but realize that my arm is under her back. I try to pull my arm out, she moves a little but not enough for me to be free. I try to pull once more, she rolls over to the side which allows me to pull out. However, right when I think I'm free to go, she quickly sits up and wraps her arms and legs around me, constricting me mildly. I get nervous and look around to see if anyone else is around to help me. I notice Gabby just outside the room sitting on a red couch staring at me shaking her head slowly in disappointment like as if she's trying to warn me. I start trying to talk to Jessica to see if it wakes her up, "Hey, hey Jessica. Gabby's watching. Wake up. Let me go."
She doesn't wake up, rather she pulls me down towards her and kisses me. I hesitate to kiss her back wondering if this is what Gabby was warning me about, but I ignore my thoughts and give into my temptations. We kiss some more. She tries to take off my clothes but I don't let her; this doesn't please her. She tries to forcefully take my clothes off but because I am stronger than her I hold her down and try to calm her down by kissing her gently. She opens her eyes, but not the way I had expected.
She seems terrified, like as if she had just seen a ghost or something even though she's looking into my familiar eyes. She tries to escape but I try to calm her down again. This time I succeed and she closes her eyes again, laying underneath me, peacefully. I lay down next to her and fall asleep.

The End

Interpretation: This dream is the most unique out all the Jessica ones I've had. I call this one "Blind" because I'm referring to the cliché expression "love is blind". In this case, Jessica has her eyes closed meaning she cannot see whom she is touching, kissing or holding. When she opens her eyes however, she can see, but for some reason I am not what she was looking for. I believe Jessica didn't know what she was getting into when she was dating me. Only when she found out about my past did she decide to reject me. Therefore, love is blind, because although I have a hard time of letting go of the past, I was still willing to fully commit to her…she just failed to see that.
On another note, two other things I'd like to point out about my dream are: the red walls and Gabby. The red walls were the same color as the walls I saw in the room I was in with Jackie in my dream titled "Nurse Jackie/ The X Letter." I think this is because I believed Jessica was going to be the one who was going to help me get over Jackie, but unfortunately that didn't happen. Then there's Gabby. I think the reason she was shaking her head as a sign of warning was because she was representing my conscience. I remember when I kissed Jessica for the first time I was still in a relationship with Sabrina, yet I didn't even consider stopping myself from letting Jessica kiss me. I let it happen, and ended up losing both Jessica and Sabrina.

"Stabbed in the Back"
I wake up on a beach, just like Leonardo Dicaprio's Character in the movie Inception. I pick myself up and analyze my surroundings. I realize that even the buildings that are falling apart from the movie are in my dream as well. I turn to my right and notice a classroom on the beach that looks like a demolished version of Covelle 4 from the College of Idaho. There's a female teacher teaching a class. I notice Brian and Jessica in the classroom sitting next to each other. As I walk towards them I wonder how they could possibly use computers on a beach with no power. I disregard my thought and sit next to Brian.
"Hey bro, what are you doing here?" I ask enthusiastically
"Huh? Oh, hey Kristian. What's uuuuup!" he says happily.
The audio goes mute after this and I just see myself looking down trying to process and talk about what's new in my life. When I look up though, I notice Brian kissing Jessica. My heart disappears…and fills up with a dark empty feeling…like a black hole. Yet, I don't say anything. And the dream ends.

The End

Interpretation: I remember kissing Karen once, Brian's Ex and Jackie's Sister.  I'm pretty sure he didn't appreciate that. I think this dream was meant to show me how he must've felt even though it was very late. We're best friends and this is something that we wouldn't expect from each other. Thankfully this one was just a dream. As for Jessica, I think I was just afraid of seeing her with someone else since I thought she was going to be "the one".

"Smoking Hot" (F.Y.I. this is a short dream)
I see Jessica in the corner table in what seems to be the cafeteria from McCain in the College of Idaho. She pulls out a cigarette and starts smoking. I walk up to her and ask she recently started. She tells me that she only does it every once in a while, but in truth I know she's been smoking for quite a while, in my dream that is. I walk away disappointed in her and don't look back.

The End

Interpretation: Brittany and I were talking about girls smoking the previous day when I had this dream. I'm pretty sure it was just information my mind was processing on what happened earlier that day…only with an actual scenario. Never the less, girls who smoke are not hot, it's just gross.