HOME | DD

Description
It hurts me so much, my dear. It hurts me so much. Why have you brought me here? Have I shown you no love? Have I given you not all you have asked for? My dear, my love, my one and only. Let me go. Let me free. Unlock these chains, my love, let me GO.

You drag me here in a body bag, you chain me to a bed, you force me to lie with you in an empty bed. I feel your head on my heart and I feel you move with each beat it pounds. Let me free, my love! Help me escape from this prison you have locked me in. I mean no harm to you. Why do you lock me here? Out of love? Out of spite? I love you and only you. Please don't keep me here.

From that body bag to the bed, gravel clung to the threads embracing my body, you wanted to wash the dirt off my clothes but I didn't wake up.. I couldn't wake up. You had drugged me. That's what drugs do, love. With no other idea, you dragged me and washed my clothes.. No, you washed me. Fluid filled my lungs and you watched. You filmed it. Do you not love me, dear? You waited for me, you waited for the cycle to be done and you opened the door. You finally opened the door to air, to the breath of life. You took my legs and pulled them out one by one and dragged me out, wet as a dog in the rain and unconscious. I choked and coughed and I hated everything in the world. I hated life itself. Never in my life had I ever hated the world.

I was happy without you. But you forced me into this. You forced me into a washing machine and into the arms of death, only to slowly drag me out before Death could embrace me. Why did you pull me away? That would have been the end. But you stopped it. And why? You claim it was for love. You claim it was for me. You do things only for me. So I can be with you forever and we will be happy together and nothing will ever tear us apart, but my dear..

There is so much more to life than love. The first night here, I woke with nothing on this mattress, with no memories and only the sharp taste of fear in the back of my throat. I woke up with my ankles chained to a bed and a camera in the corner. Do you watch me sleep, my dear? Do you watch me shake from the nightmares, the nightmares which have become real? And do you cry for me when you see my body tremble in cold and fear? Because, my dear, I cry for you. I cry for you, my love.

Do you remember that day you brought me breakfast? I remember it. The tray was a dull brass, you had obviously dug this up from storage. The tray held various foods for me. Beautiful, delicate cakes.. A cup of tea and a cup of milk. You brought me food to nourish my body so I could live for you the way you live only for me. I remember that day so clearly, my love. I took the tray from your hands and in a fit of rage, I flung it against the wall. My love, I am not sorry. Why do you lock me in here? What is this to do with love? You stood just far enough that day. Just far enough to avoid the swinging arms and flying fists aimed towards you.. And you waited. You waited for me to collapse, exhausted from the struggles I had made to hurt you. And I did.

I sat down slowly on the bed and I dropped my head. You walked towards me and sat by my feet. I closed my eyes as you rested your head on my leg and I cried. I wept tears of sadness, my love. You make me so sad. My tears dripped off my face and as I opened them, I saw one of my tears had made it to your eye. Your expression did not change as my tears rolled down your face and I cried for you that day. I did not move. And at that moment, I did not love you.

That night I dragged my body to the container of gasoline in the corner of my room, that was the night I wanted to die. I did what I never would have thought I would. I lifted that gasoline above my head and I poured it. I poured it all over my body, I poured it into my soul. As I breathed out, a mist of gas flew from my lips and I sat on the edge of the bed, breathing heavily. That lighter you left me? You and my initials carved into it? I held it with a shaking hand and my heart did not skip a beat. I pressed my thumb against the edge of the lighter and I struck the metal against the flint, once.. Twice.. And finally, it lit. And that was when I sat there, my back numb from the constant curling it was forced into and I thought of my mother. I thought of my friends. I thought of the life I had planned for myself and the fact that I would never be there to see it happen. I prayed that they would be alright without me, my love. And I prayed for so much more. At that moment, I was soaked to the bone in gasoline, the smell forcing it's way into my nose and tears running down my eyes, yet I was praying for those who I would never meet and those who I would never see again. I did not think of you, my dear. And I did not think of myself.. I thought of every single person who would be affected by my death and I prayed for forgiveness from them. I spoke to each of them individually and I let my mind wander to the memories I had and the memories I never would have..

I'm sorry, Mother. I let you down again. You told me not to leave the house that day. You told me not to go out to buy that magazine, I'm sorry Mother. I beg for your forgiveness. And to all my friends, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for whatever pain I have caused you, whether it be physical or mental. I beg for your forgiveness. And to my unborn children whom I would never meet. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that my death will bring along your death also. I'm sorry I'm never giving you a chance at life. I beg for your forgiveness. And to my patients I might have someday met with my hope of becoming a doctor in the near future, I truly beg for your forgiveness. I could save you, I know it. My death will bring along the deaths of many others and I feel so selfish taking your chance of life away from you. I'm sorry and I beg for your forgiveness. And to the colleagues that I would never meet. I'm sorry I will never meet you and I'm sorry that I did not give you a chance to be my friend. The inside jokes we would have had, the memories we would share.. I'm sorry I am leaving those behind. I beg for your forgiveness. You see, my love? You have made me regretful for my own life. My own life that I had loved for so long.. I regret the many things I have done or did not do in these short 17 years I have lived. My dear, my darling, my love.. Do you see how many people you are hurting? Do you see how many lives you are taking? Please let me free, my darling. Please just let me free.

I have never been so sad, my dear. You make me so sad. Love is not sadness, my beloved. But you think differently, don't you, love? Why is this love to you? Darling, I love you. Why do you hurt me so? I do not want to die. But I do not want to live. Still, I held that lighter. My tears mixed with the gasoline until my face was a blurry mess. And you saw. You were watching me from the camera. The camera in the corner which you used to watch me sleep and as I held the flame tight in my hand, I felt ice. I felt cold. I felt the power of a fire extinguisher in my face, in my eyes, in my hair. My cheek was frozen but all it was that I did was that I looked at you. I stared straight into those psychotic eyes of yours. Those terrifyingly beautiful eyes of yours and waited. I wanted an answer.. Any answer.. Please, my dear. Please, my love. Why do you hurt me so? I love you, my dear. You are my love.

You filled the room with gray smoke that night. I do not know what smoke that was but it made my nose burn and it made me very sleepy. It made me tired, my love, and the last thing I remember was looking up with you standing in the middle of the room. In a dirty white dress, a gas mask was strapped to your face and through it I saw the glint of your eye against the sunlight that shot through the single window high above the ground. Your arms hung limply at your sides and your head tilted oh so slightly to the left. And why? Because you love me. I woke up burning. I woke up with fire on my back. I woke up already on my way to death. You cried for me before I died. You cried for me as I died but you shed not a single tear after I died. Because it was in this way that we could be together. Now, I was forever yours and no one could take me from you. You're my number one fan, please, baby, take my hand.

Description
It hurts me so much, my dear. It hurts me so much. Why have you brought me here? Have I shown you no love? Have I given you not all you have asked for? My dear, my love, my one and only. Let me go. Let me free. Unlock these chains, my love, let me GO.

You drag me here in a body bag, you chain me to a bed, you force me to lie with you in an empty bed. I feel your head on my heart and I feel you move with each beat it pounds. Let me free, my love! Help me escape from this prison you have locked me in. I mean no harm to you. Why do you lock me here? Out of love? Out of spite? I love you and only you. Please don't keep me here.

From that body bag to the bed, gravel clung to the threads embracing my body, you wanted to wash the dirt off my clothes but I didn't wake up.. I couldn't wake up. You had drugged me. That's what drugs do, love. With no other idea, you dragged me and washed my clothes.. No, you washed me. Fluid filled my lungs and you watched. You filmed it. Do you not love me, dear? You waited for me, you waited for the cycle to be done and you opened the door. You finally opened the door to air, to the breath of life. You took my legs and pulled them out one by one and dragged me out, wet as a dog in the rain and unconscious. I choked and coughed and I hated everything in the world. I hated life itself. Never in my life had I ever hated the world.

I was happy without you. But you forced me into this. You forced me into a washing machine and into the arms of death, only to slowly drag me out before Death could embrace me. Why did you pull me away? That would have been the end. But you stopped it. And why? You claim it was for love. You claim it was for me. You do things only for me. So I can be with you forever and we will be happy together and nothing will ever tear us apart, but my dear..

There is so much more to life than love. The first night here, I woke with nothing on this mattress, with no memories and only the sharp taste of fear in the back of my throat. I woke up with my ankles chained to a bed and a camera in the corner. Do you watch me sleep, my dear? Do you watch me shake from the nightmares, the nightmares which have become real? And do you cry for me when you see my body tremble in cold and fear? Because, my dear, I cry for you. I cry for you, my love.

Do you remember that day you brought me breakfast? I remember it. The tray was a dull brass, you had obviously dug this up from storage. The tray held various foods for me. Beautiful, delicate cakes.. A cup of tea and a cup of milk. You brought me food to nourish my body so I could live for you the way you live only for me. I remember that day so clearly, my love. I took the tray from your hands and in a fit of rage, I flung it against the wall. My love, I am not sorry. Why do you lock me in here? What is this to do with love? You stood just far enough that day. Just far enough to avoid the swinging arms and flying fists aimed towards you.. And you waited. You waited for me to collapse, exhausted from the struggles I had made to hurt you. And I did.

I sat down slowly on the bed and I dropped my head. You walked towards me and sat by my feet. I closed my eyes as you rested your head on my leg and I cried. I wept tears of sadness, my love. You make me so sad. My tears dripped off my face and as I opened them, I saw one of my tears had made it to your eye. Your expression did not change as my tears rolled down your face and I cried for you that day. I did not move. And at that moment, I did not love you.

That night I dragged my body to the container of gasoline in the corner of my room, that was the night I wanted to die. I did what I never would have thought I would. I lifted that gasoline above my head and I poured it. I poured it all over my body, I poured it into my soul. As I breathed out, a mist of gas flew from my lips and I sat on the edge of the bed, breathing heavily. That lighter you left me? You and my initials carved into it? I held it with a shaking hand and my heart did not skip a beat. I pressed my thumb against the edge of the lighter and I struck the metal against the flint, once.. Twice.. And finally, it lit. And that was when I sat there, my back numb from the constant curling it was forced into and I thought of my mother. I thought of my friends. I thought of the life I had planned for myself and the fact that I would never be there to see it happen. I prayed that they would be alright without me, my love. And I prayed for so much more. At that moment, I was soaked to the bone in gasoline, the smell forcing it's way into my nose and tears running down my eyes, yet I was praying for those who I would never meet and those who I would never see again. I did not think of you, my dear. And I did not think of myself.. I thought of every single person who would be affected by my death and I prayed for forgiveness from them. I spoke to each of them individually and I let my mind wander to the memories I had and the memories I never would have..

I'm sorry, Mother. I let you down again. You told me not to leave the house that day. You told me not to go out to buy that magazine, I'm sorry Mother. I beg for your forgiveness. And to all my friends, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for whatever pain I have caused you, whether it be physical or mental. I beg for your forgiveness. And to my unborn children whom I would never meet. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that my death will bring along your death also. I'm sorry I'm never giving you a chance at life. I beg for your forgiveness. And to my patients I might have someday met with my hope of becoming a doctor in the near future, I truly beg for your forgiveness. I could save you, I know it. My death will bring along the deaths of many others and I feel so selfish taking your chance of life away from you. I'm sorry and I beg for your forgiveness. And to the colleagues that I would never meet. I'm sorry I will never meet you and I'm sorry that I did not give you a chance to be my friend. The inside jokes we would have had, the memories we would share.. I'm sorry I am leaving those behind. I beg for your forgiveness. You see, my love? You have made me regretful for my own life. My own life that I had loved for so long.. I regret the many things I have done or did not do in these short 17 years I have lived. My dear, my darling, my love.. Do you see how many people you are hurting? Do you see how many lives you are taking? Please let me free, my darling. Please just let me free.

I have never been so sad, my dear. You make me so sad. Love is not sadness, my beloved. But you think differently, don't you, love? Why is this love to you? Darling, I love you. Why do you hurt me so? I do not want to die. But I do not want to live. Still, I held that lighter. My tears mixed with the gasoline until my face was a blurry mess. And you saw. You were watching me from the camera. The camera in the corner which you used to watch me sleep and as I held the flame tight in my hand, I felt ice. I felt cold. I felt the power of a fire extinguisher in my face, in my eyes, in my hair. My cheek was frozen but all it was that I did was that I looked at you. I stared straight into those psychotic eyes of yours. Those terrifyingly beautiful eyes of yours and waited. I wanted an answer.. Any answer.. Please, my dear. Please, my love. Why do you hurt me so? I love you, my dear. You are my love.

You filled the room with gray smoke that night. I do not know what smoke that was but it made my nose burn and it made me very sleepy. It made me tired, my love, and the last thing I remember was looking up with you standing in the middle of the room. In a dirty white dress, a gas mask was strapped to your face and through it I saw the glint of your eye against the sunlight that shot through the single window high above the ground. Your arms hung limply at your sides and your head tilted oh so slightly to the left. And why? Because you love me. I woke up burning. I woke up with fire on my back. I woke up already on my way to death. You cried for me before I died. You cried for me as I died but you shed not a single tear after I died. Because it was in this way that we could be together. Now, I was forever yours and no one could take me from you. You're my number one fan, please, baby, take my hand.