HOME | DD

Description
"What are you doing here?"

"I'm waiting.. I'm waiting for this dream to end. This dream that's been going on far too long. I want to wake up back into a normal life where my friends never killed themselves. Where my family wasn't struck with a tragic loss of a member. Where the institute never existed. Where those two and a half weeks were spent going to school. Where I have the same troubles as a normal carefree teenager my age would have. I'm waiting to wake up from this dream so I can go back to a life without friends in Juvie. One where I watched the whole concert and was never interrupted by that call. I want that life where I cry over a high school crush, not a family death. The life that every other kid my age so painfully lives, the one that THEY want to leave. I want to live that life.

When I was younger, I worried that I would have the teenage angst I always read about. I never worried about depression or death or a mental institute. Have I missed my teenage years? A childhood followed by adult responsibilities and adult problems. I've been left with every problem no kid should go through. I want a chance to find myself, not have myself handed to me through sickening scenarios.

I want to get in fights with my friends where I have to choose sides. I don't want to hide away in my house, spending my time finding an artistic side of myself. I don't want to know what vectors are, what a deviation is even. I want to be able to draw a person as a person, not a twisted creature by the same name. I want to be looked at at school in the same way everyone is, with disgust among different groups but with a crowd I can always fall back on. I want a clique to belong to so I can diss certain ones and be hated by others. I want to be known among my classmates not as the 'insane girl' but as a label someone else might have.

I don't want people to hide from me, to make way when I walk through. I don't want fear to give people ideas about who I am. I don't want people to talk about how creepy I am behind my back oblivious to the fact that I can hear every word. I don't want to be presented with a false front by everyone I talk to. I don't want to lose my own identity in my attempt to help others find theirs.

The rumours spread about me aren't as simple as being 'easy' or being a bitch. The words I fight are stories fabricated from the words of only one selfish girl. They are stories and lies about my personal life and my debt to HER for putting me through this.

I don't want to be the one laughing the loudest but hides the most about myself. I don't want you to be able to see what I suffer just by looking in my eyes. I wish I talked about my family with my friends enough for them not to be surprised when I actually mention them. I don't want to suffer constantly under my own rule and my own discipline. I am too proud to ask for help. I am too stubborn.

I want to be the one asking clueless questions about Photoshop, not the one teaching how to duplicate images. I want to count the number of friends on Myspace and worry about adding more. I don't want to count the number of days I've been happy and worry about how much longer it will last. I want to stay home from school because I have the flu or just because I hate school, not because I've lost the willpower to leave my bed. Even if only for that one day. I don't want to be absent from school so often, but I know I can't help it. Why should I be the only one to be brought aside in class to be told not to worry because 'someday [I]'ll be normal'?

I want my parents to consult painkillers when I am 'uncontrollable,' not a therapist. I don't want to wake up confused and in cold sweat while in a flashback about where I was and if I'm back in those sickening weeks in the middle of the severity of my depression. I want to know if tomorrow I will get up and live my life or stay in bed and watch it fall apart. I want my life to be predictable and scheduled.

I want to use the word 'depressed' because I'm having trouble at school or my mother won't let me go to a concert, not because I am. I don't want to know the medical terms behind what the chemical imbalance in my head is. I don't want to take tests to find 'the source of my problems.' I don't want to spend my free time realizing that everything in my life could be a lie and my mind is playing tricks on me. I don't want to spend my free time becoming my own philosopher..

I don't want to be able to say these words. So, I am sitting here to wait. I'm waiting for the day I finally wake up, the day I become a normal person. But until that day, I'm waiting for this dream to end."

Description
"What are you doing here?"

"I'm waiting.. I'm waiting for this dream to end. This dream that's been going on far too long. I want to wake up back into a normal life where my friends never killed themselves. Where my family wasn't struck with a tragic loss of a member. Where the institute never existed. Where those two and a half weeks were spent going to school. Where I have the same troubles as a normal carefree teenager my age would have. I'm waiting to wake up from this dream so I can go back to a life without friends in Juvie. One where I watched the whole concert and was never interrupted by that call. I want that life where I cry over a high school crush, not a family death. The life that every other kid my age so painfully lives, the one that THEY want to leave. I want to live that life.

When I was younger, I worried that I would have the teenage angst I always read about. I never worried about depression or death or a mental institute. Have I missed my teenage years? A childhood followed by adult responsibilities and adult problems. I've been left with every problem no kid should go through. I want a chance to find myself, not have myself handed to me through sickening scenarios.

I want to get in fights with my friends where I have to choose sides. I don't want to hide away in my house, spending my time finding an artistic side of myself. I don't want to know what vectors are, what a deviation is even. I want to be able to draw a person as a person, not a twisted creature by the same name. I want to be looked at at school in the same way everyone is, with disgust among different groups but with a crowd I can always fall back on. I want a clique to belong to so I can diss certain ones and be hated by others. I want to be known among my classmates not as the 'insane girl' but as a label someone else might have.

I don't want people to hide from me, to make way when I walk through. I don't want fear to give people ideas about who I am. I don't want people to talk about how creepy I am behind my back oblivious to the fact that I can hear every word. I don't want to be presented with a false front by everyone I talk to. I don't want to lose my own identity in my attempt to help others find theirs.

The rumours spread about me aren't as simple as being 'easy' or being a bitch. The words I fight are stories fabricated from the words of only one selfish girl. They are stories and lies about my personal life and my debt to HER for putting me through this.

I don't want to be the one laughing the loudest but hides the most about myself. I don't want you to be able to see what I suffer just by looking in my eyes. I wish I talked about my family with my friends enough for them not to be surprised when I actually mention them. I don't want to suffer constantly under my own rule and my own discipline. I am too proud to ask for help. I am too stubborn.

I want to be the one asking clueless questions about Photoshop, not the one teaching how to duplicate images. I want to count the number of friends on Myspace and worry about adding more. I don't want to count the number of days I've been happy and worry about how much longer it will last. I want to stay home from school because I have the flu or just because I hate school, not because I've lost the willpower to leave my bed. Even if only for that one day. I don't want to be absent from school so often, but I know I can't help it. Why should I be the only one to be brought aside in class to be told not to worry because 'someday [I]'ll be normal'?

I want my parents to consult painkillers when I am 'uncontrollable,' not a therapist. I don't want to wake up confused and in cold sweat while in a flashback about where I was and if I'm back in those sickening weeks in the middle of the severity of my depression. I want to know if tomorrow I will get up and live my life or stay in bed and watch it fall apart. I want my life to be predictable and scheduled.

I want to use the word 'depressed' because I'm having trouble at school or my mother won't let me go to a concert, not because I am. I don't want to know the medical terms behind what the chemical imbalance in my head is. I don't want to take tests to find 'the source of my problems.' I don't want to spend my free time realizing that everything in my life could be a lie and my mind is playing tricks on me. I don't want to spend my free time becoming my own philosopher..

I don't want to be able to say these words. So, I am sitting here to wait. I'm waiting for the day I finally wake up, the day I become a normal person. But until that day, I'm waiting for this dream to end."