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Mut3DFaith β Last Embrace
Published: 2005-01-01 02:58:55 +0000 UTC; Views: 770; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 39
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Allowing it to be known, predestinyOf that ashen soul in its departure
Hoping in its personal scrutiny
Divine souls will savor and endure
But how can particular lives be saved,
When humanity resides in action,
When celestiality, taught in craving,
Is taught in the grains of separate factions?
Mere knowledge of a companion's farewell,
Simple deviation of time's process,
Should be ample beyond a word's dispel;
Should be opportune for final finesse
If it ought be time for your soul to take
Please allot, in your wake,Β Β terminal embrace
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Comments: 28
Wow.. I love this.. I write as well.. I'd love your input
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I like to keep rereading this one to savor the seriousness of the piece.
very nice work
Jela
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Very well done! The second stanza particularly I found to be expertly worded.
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I see what you are getting at, however I can't feel the emotion in this poem. It feels more detached...
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Emotion wasn't meant to be felt here. That's the mystery of the poem.
Have you ever read Camus' The Stranger?
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I confess I have not read The Stranger.
Ah, then if detachment was your goal, you have met it well
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Ah well, the themes of the novella (it's a really short one, 120 pages, highly recommended by the complete expert that is myself 
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I have to agree with ~Yaanon on some things here. I think your iambic pentameter is off a little and "celestiality" isn't a word (even though I liked it). I'm torn between whether this is emotionless, or simply detached from the bleak situation. The element of romance is there in the topic itself.... but I'm not sure on this one, really. Although having said that, I admire even an attempt at a sonnet! I'm useless with them.
And just because Shakespeare wasn't perfect, doesn't mean you can't be
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I know "celestiality" isn't a word, but i felt it would work more in the poem's favor than "celestial beings" or something similar would. The reader knows what it means because of the root.
It is meant to be detached from emotion, not the situation.
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Neologisms are acceptable providing they work
And I get you.
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Ooo, a sonnet. I love sonnets, so let's see what you came up with...
Speaking truthfully, I'm not impressed. I read it over a few times and got no emotion out of it at all. It's just not there. People have praised your choice of words, but I think that may be the problem. The words you chose are uselessly long and blank, they take away from the poem too much. For example, "celestiality". That's not even a word. The reader is forced to climb over these words, completely missing everything else. I didn't even know what you were talking about until the second or third read.
Also, if you were aiming for a Shakespearian sonnet your iambic pentameter is off, at times your lines don't even have 10 syllables (having 11 and 9).
Just my opinion.
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I am aware that sonnets are most commonly emotional (and more often romantic), and also that my knowledge of meter is quite limited...Not every line of Shakespeare's was perfect either, so i usually go with that.
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So, because Shakespeare made some mistakes means that you're allowed to? As a poet you should want to make your work as perfect as humanly possible, for your sake and for the sake of the poem. I don't really understand why you wouldn't, it just doesn't register for me. It would be equivilant to a painter painting a portrait and noticing the nose being crooked and saying "well, Rembrandt made some mistakes, so there ya go".
You can see a lot of the poet in his poetry, do you want to be seen as flawed? If you want to expand your knowledge of meter and thus expand your poetic abilities exponentially, grab some Shakespeare and look at the words. Iambic pentameter is supposed to be a short syllable followed by a long syllable, so look and see which are which and what exceptions can be made. If you don't want to then I can't do much for you.
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I didn't say that they were mistakes. They were purposely done. Sure, i can change "celestiality" to "celestial beings"...but i don't see that doing any extra for the piece.
Somehow i'm thinking the best thing i could do here would be to take this out of the sonnet category...i don't seem to have enough knowledge regarding meter at this time to create a true piece of its type.
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"Hoping in its personal scrutiny
Divine souls will savor and endure"
that was purely "divine" 
the only thing i can critique is something that has already been said by ~11-eleven (on predestiny)
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perfect. i cant critique this. this far beyond my critique skills. this is Godly
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Oh, i doubt that...
But thank you.
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[You seem to want advanced critique, so I hope this is simply taken as such: No insults to your written. On the contrary, I simply give my input. I'm quite impressed ^_^]
Allowing it to be known, [predestiny] < --(Pick a better word? It doesn't seem to flow.)
Of that ashen soul in its departure
[Hoping in its personal scrutiny
Divine souls will savor and endure] < --(My favorite line. Very beautiful.)
But how can particular lives be saved,
When humanity resides in action,
When celestiality, taught in craving,
[Is taught in the grains of separate factions?] --(Wow.)
Mere knowledge of a companion's farewell,
[Simple deviation of time's process,
Should be ample beyond a word's dispel;] --(Pretty to read outloud.)
Should be opportune for final finesse
[If it ought be time for your soul to take
Please allot, in your wake, terminal embrace ] --(Not a nursery-rhyme type of rhyming, which makes it more artisic and appealing)
I truly love this, damnit, I won't resist- A favorite :]
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I love how you use words, you have a really advanced vocabulary, true poetry! This is art! Art with words! Beautiful! Excellent! Marvelous! Mwahahaha!
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Dang....this really makes me feel like my poems were written by a child rather than a young adult. :claps: Very beautiful words darling. *Sits and reads the rest of them*
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And i don't think your poems sound childish or dare i say bad...it's just that you seem to try to split yourself into so many different directions at the same time. Maybe you can figure something out with that...
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hmmm....that's an interesting thought. i'll have to take that into account the next time I try and write.
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you and your sonnets! i just dont know how you do it...
for some reason this poem takes a special meaning to me... as you can see i fav'ed it. lol.
i really like the overall "theme"
...and wonderfully written as always.
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