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The room flashed before my eyes as I thrust my head into the toilet bowl and heaved up ninety-nine percent of my stomach content. My hand was still halfway into my mouth; vomit covering my hands and dripping down my arm into my shirt sleeve. Pieces of hair stuck to the sides of my lips, being held on my dribbles and bits of vomit. I placed my arm on the seat of the toilet for support, and stood up. I get dizzier and dizzier every time I purge, like my body is telling me,
'You can't do this anymore, you have to stop.'
But I won't stop until I'm dead. I'd die to be perfect.
I held my stomach, just in case something inside of me were to trigger another session of purging, and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. Over the last three years, my eyes have become deader and deader each day, and my face has become a gaunt, pale mask. People ask me all the time 'Do you think you were the same person you were a few years ago?', and to this day, I stick with the generic answer of 'No'. My friends have no clue that I'm addicted and obsessed with counting calories, working out, purging, and pure starvation. My friends think that I'm a normal, fifteen year old high school girl, floating through life without even the slightest care, when in all actuality; I'm in danger of hurting myself more than anybody else can.
I take my shirt off to expose my stomach to the world. I can almost see my ribs, which is a start, but nowhere near where I want to be. I remember when I was in 6th grade, so naïve and innocent, thinking that eating disorders were something that can be stopped ever so effortlessly, and sometimes, I even thought that people that had an eating disorder were 'gross'. I feel the same way, except I'm the only one that's gross, and eating disorders are hard as hell to stop. I'm disgusting.
I pick up one of my used towels from this morning's shower, and cover the mirror so I don't have to see myself in this state. I touch my stomach, looking down at my faintly protruding ribs, and decide that that needed to change. I kneeled over the toilet, shoved my fingers down my throat, and threw up the rest of my dinner.