lovelydeirdre [2002-12-02 20:51:46 +0000 UTC]

Strong emotion. Over all a good poem.



Please proof read. Please.

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-slip- [2002-11-26 23:29:14 +0000 UTC]

well... certainly has a lot of description to it heh

well with all the words you managed to use, you did get across a strong feeling i think

im not much of a poet, so it's hard to kinda review it... but i like it

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squanderdalfast [2002-11-23 00:33:47 +0000 UTC]

it's cold
it's dark
i'm lonely

those are three weak and over used verbs in a row. and they are weakened by unecissary connectors.

if you work on this poem and link me to it. I will comment more. but right now it needs too much. it's in such a drafty state that it's hard to comment on.

"it's confusing as hell and i'm sorry, but it makes you think... my god, sorry to make you think, heaven forbid..."

generally you shouldn't mock your reader before he reads the poem. DA is filled with nice poeple for the most part. no need to get defensive. also don't bad mouth your own work before people read it. Be constructive like you want us to be.

keep writing good luck.

writing is fun.

and its subjective.

hope something I said helped in some way. thanks for letting me look at it.

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sportygirl4114 [2002-11-22 17:46:16 +0000 UTC]

woah there sorry bout that....comp flipped out so I didnt think the first one went through

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sportygirl4114 [2002-11-22 17:45:19 +0000 UTC]

....hauntingly similar to something a very good friend o f mine went through.... And quite frankly, his father and I are going to have a nice long talk in the hereafter...and then Im going to have an even londger talk with his son, but thats beside the point, forgive me, something I still cant shake myself. very poignant, and heartfelt piece, sugar....keep expounding.

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sportygirl4114 [2002-11-22 17:39:48 +0000 UTC]

....hauntingly similar to something a very good friend o f mine went through.... And quite frankly, his father and I are going to have a nice long talk in the hereafter...and then Im going to have an even londger talk with his son, but thats beside the point, forgive me, something I still cant shake myself. very poignant, and heartfelt piece, sugar....keep expounding.

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push- [2002-11-22 04:22:49 +0000 UTC]

maybe you'll find some untaped love
what did i do wrong?
i'll be better i promise
will you turn?
or will you leave me alone
you're still leaving
what do i have to do to make you stay
i please stay
you're still walking away
i know what they say
the heart
a hidden sun
it burns and burns

this piece is very touching, reminds me of things I would rather forget..the emotions in this are full of sadness and bitter pain. raw pain. it's almost chaotic, but then again that's how you feel when you're hurt..chaotic.

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