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Description

Goes with this: youtu.be/E4uA85iWsIg

..because i wanna find tomorrow with a girl like you...

Hey. It's been a while, yeah?
Well I guess it's time for sad boi blues so pull up a chair for the wall of text and get your little violins ready to play along lol.

-

Where to begin...

So a few months ago now I posted a thing for New Years and anybody who read it would've noticed I mentioned something about meeting a girl.
Well, it was actually last year on Thanksgiving when I met her but anyway.
We will just call her "Yoko" I guess, because I'm not dense enough to use real names lol. Yoko is from Osaka in Japan. She is a student who was staying with some family of mine in a uni town a few hours from me for another year or so. I had previously missed an opportunity to meet her back in January of 2020, because of my own idiocy, and when all of the COVID shit began I heard she had gone back home. A few months later she was back though and now, after the punch I had taken from Elisa, I did not really care about that and wanted to finally meet her.

She was amazing. Shy and cute and so wonderful to be around.
I said konnichiwa and the other tiny little handful of words I know and her reactions were just.. ahh...
Japanese girls... you know...
So yeah.. I ran headfirst into a crush like a little kid.
But I'm still me, and I wasted so much of the time I could've had with her just sitting in silence, fighting with myself inside to just speak to her.

The punch came again, I can still remember it, the night after Thanksgiving, when they were leaving the next day. Having said goodbye in such a stupidly awkward way and driving home, I could only think "what if you never get to see her again?" So the next day I raced over early to say goodbye again. Finally I found some fucking courage.
We sat and listened to music.
I played Plastic Love to her
She played some things she liked. J-pop of course. I don't really like J-pop but for some reason I really liked it with her. But I think what I liked more was that feeling inside. Something warm and fuzzy and wrapping all over my heart, and the same feeling that made my voice get stuck when I looked at her.

After an hour or so, a much too short hour or so, goodbyes were said properly and the rest of that day I was on a cloud.
It felt like a high, for real, but I had neither smoked or drank a thing except the coffee
I guess this feeling is love?
Or maybe that's getting too far ahead... Maybe that feeling was just the rush of a lonely idiot who finally actually made an attempt to try.
Either way it stuck with me for the rest of the month and into November.
I knew I would get to see her again, eventually, and now she was constantly on my mind.
-

Unfortunately, I would have to wait until early December to see her again. And the problem with all of this time is that it gives my stupid brain more time to overthink everything along with the nagging reminder that she would eventually go home to Japan.
It was someone's birthday. I didn't really care too much about that, but Yoko was there and I wanted to see her so I came along.

It was such a good day.
I sat with her, drank her milk tea and ate Chinese food with her (it had been chosen by the birthday person hah). I learned she is from Osaka (a city which, for some reason, I had actually been thinking of before) and that I had been right in the correct spelling of her name (it's a name that technically does exist in English but is not spelled this way and is not feminine)
I learned that she hates Hello Kitty and finds it creepy because of it's lifeless, black eyes, to which I teased her because I think it's cute. I learned that she likes fortune cookies, to which I gave her mine because I think they are gross

We did the music thing again. It was always cool to share those moments with her.
And especially now I think of the little things in detail.
Like while she was playing something that she liked just a little too quietly, probably worried of disturbing others, I inexplicably touched at her phone, so careless of the others, and cranked the volume up along to her wonderful giggle.

Or noticing the cute little riceball sticker on her phone and blurting out "Oh I just love jelly filled donuts!" to which she reacted as you would expect until I showed her the Pokemon clip of NA dub calling riceballs donuts and she started laughing.

And when I looked up at her and burted out something silly like "I really like listening to music with you."

God it was dumb lmao...
And also very unlike me. Usually I'm the loser in the corner not saying a word. I am usually stricken by such debilitating social anxiety, something I feel doesn't come out at all when I am within the freedom of internetland, but she made me want to tell her something dumb like that, she made me want to fight back against myself just to keep talking to her.

The crowning jewel of dumb-dumb came when everyone was leaving, Yoko was not because that was the house she was staying in, and I decided I would like to say something awkward once again lol.
I had been trying some more Japanese words with her during the day and I had a certain thing I was thinking of saying, or trying to say, rattling around my foolish head.
I went to the bathroom to force down some wretched tap water in hopes of having a clear throat and not letting my panicky voice get stuck in it. When I came out there was only Yoko and one other person at the open front door. I put on my shoes and had one last quick think about the potential no man's land I was about to dive head first into, but just as quickly cast it aside in favour of blindly rushing in.
I stood and put on my coat and before leaving stopped to look at Yoko and say "Goodbye, cute girl." in Japanese before quickly ducking outside to the magical sound of her laughing again.

Yeah... probably a crazy thing to do

I'm sure I said the words wrong. I'm sure they were a little too rushed or not spoken loudly enough or the tone was incorrect or...
I know the other person didn't have a clue because I heard a loud "WHAT?" from them as well lmao. Good. It was only for Yoko to hear anyway.
But I did feel crazy in that moment and when I turned back to wave goodbye, now laughing myself, I figured either she understood and was laughing at the complete and utter awkwardness or I had messed the words up so badly she was laughing at that. It didn't matter. I was just so happy to have spent such a wonderful day with such a wonderful person and to leave it like that was.. hmm. kind of precious really.
Also I was leaving with the knowledge I would be seeing her again in two weeks because at some point somebody had decided we would have some kind of pre-Christmas gathering.

Yes. I guess the easiest way for me to not even think for a moment about COVID is a girl
-

With this knowledge came an overwhelming desire to do something for her. I'm not sure why. I've never been the kind of person who goes crazy getting gifts and things. Usually I'm the one who is criticized for doing nothing for people. I guess, maybe, I had just found the right person.
I couldn't think of anything to get but eventually settled on some kind of clothing. I spent a weekend out browsing and got her some sweaters. One that I had a strong feeling she would like, despite still barely knowing her lol, and another that I admit I probably only bought because I liked it
I know it's not the smartest idea to buy clothes for other people, especially girls, but I was clueless as ever and just wanted to do something for her.

I also got the same milk tea she liked, only two of them, just for us, from an international foods store and stumbled across some mochi iced cream.
It was actually something I'd been wanting to try for a long time but never got around to. I figured what better time to try Japanese dessert than with Japanese girl? With that, I also managed to find the perfect Hello Kitty gift bag to put it all in, or at least the sweaters anyway, I thought it would be a nice joke so I got it

December was a busy month for me with work and thinking of Yoko, in retrospect it was actually exhilarating to have so much to occupy me, but the day finally came on the 19th. I could not wait. When I saw her sat at the far side of the dinner table, and when her eyes moved up from her phone to me I could not help the stupid smile on my face.
"Ohayou!" I said and beckoned her to come with me.
A cousin I hadn't seen in a while was there too but I kind of waved her off with a quick greeting, lol, I've seen more than enough of her in my life and right now was only thinking of one person.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths, I kept telling myself as Yoko followed me into the foyer, where we could be alone for a moment, and I handed her the Hello Kitty bag and said happy Christmas.
She laughed at the bag and she said she really liked the one sweater, it was the one I had thought she would

I can't even explain the feeling I had in my heart, it's something I don't get to feel that often, and I know my cheeks were on fire, I can remember that for sure
"But I didn't get anything for you." She said and I responded with another blurt, "Oh, that doesn't matter. Just as long as you're here that's enough."

Cheese. Cheesy cheese. Would you like extra cheese with your cheese, sir?

Hush you

It just came out... from the heart and unfiltered by the brain and I meant it.
Her reactions were so adorable but, like my own, awkward. But it still felt so good. I'm still amazed that an idiot like me could even say something like that to someone he liked so much.

I showed her the mochi and gave her the milk tea "One for you and watashi"
ughhhh soooo laaaame
But she laughed at it.. soo fuck it

I immediately sat with her again and we talked more this time.
About food, and how she didn't like much Canadian food. About okonomiyaki; which is a dish from Osaka, and how there was a place nearby that made it (I never could find the courage to ask her to go. Although I was planning to get some for us the next time I got to see her.)

About the beautiful Xmas lights in Osaka (I wanted to take her to see the ones in this lame little town but never got the chance.)
About animals and about music, which lead us back into our usual thing of sitting there listening together.

It was easier each time to overcome my anxiety.

Turn to her when talking.

Eye contact (the most frightening of things)

Listen to her and engage with her.
It helps a bit, I find, when the other person is also fumbling along awkwardly with you. It can be very difficult holding conversation with someone who is so confident or just not on the same wavelength as you.

We had the tea and the mochi and there were a few incredible moments when everyone else fucked off and briefly we were all alone.
I wish now that I could have done more with these moments.. said more.. I don't know what I would've said but.. I just wish there was more of it... idk
But it was all wonderful as always.
I made a mental note after for next time to stop defaulting to music and to force myself to think of something to talk about with her. I wanted to spend more time with her, after all, and not just sit there with her.
And long before I wanted it to end, she was again being pulled away from me and everyone was leaving.

"Well, it's always so nice to see you." I said as she was leaving.
"Yeah, you too." She replied with that smile I don't think I will ever forget.
The day was over. Another incredible day of something, a feeling, I thought I could never be part of.

I wrote that little thing about 2020 and this and that. As far as I knew, 2021 was going to be great. I would get to see Yoko many more times for sure and each time I knew it would be easier to talk to her and bring with it incredible memories.
-

And then in February I heard something had happened. I still don't really know what. But Yoko had been scooted out by my family members' (whom I will not be wanting to see for quite some time now after this...) and was now with some other. I would never see her again.

I don't really understand why it hit me so hard. Like we still barely even knew each other. I had just decided to close my eyes and run head first at her and now that she was gone I felt just devastated.

So I did some stupid things.

The biggest was rushing to talk to Yoko on Facebook. I had actually started using it again, after 4 or 5 years of ditching the god-awful site, just because I thought I would eventually ask her in person if it would be alright to add her.
She added me and we chatted a bit.
A bit...
It was... well... it should have been awakening right there.
She never engaged directly, always just responding, and taking a long time to do even that after the first few times.
I guess I should have taken the obvious hints.
But no. It was easier to try fooling myself, lying to myself, about the language barrier and about shyness. Even if neither were ever a big hurdle when we were together in person.

The more I talked, the less she talked... It was clear she wasn't very interested but I just kept trying to make conversation. I was so obsessed, so desperate, so stupid... Obviously I had overthought everything, and I liked her a lot more than she ever really liked me. Maybe she didn't really like me that much to begin with and had just been too polite in person.
I said some dumb shit I wish I could take back.
I tried to apologize. I guess you're not supposed to do this or something. These "rules" make no sense to me.. This "game" is needlessly complicated..

Eventually she just stopped responding at all.

Not only would I never see her again but now she wouldn't even talk to me. In my stupidity, and my insistence to keep pushing and pushing, I had just pushed her away...

I had this little thought a few weeks ago to describe how I felt then like a space man whose lifeline to Earth had been gently tugged out of his hands and now he was left floating around slowly in the cold, lonely nothing, staring at the beautiful world he could no longer reach.

I also had a poetic little comparison of myself to Pluto. I know how Pluto feels way out there all alone and forgotten.
But then I remembered Pluto has Charon. It's precious little companion to twirl around in cosmic dance forever and ever with no care about the void because the two of them can never be lonely because they have each other.

-

For a few days I could barely get myself out of bed. I cried myself to sleep. I felt the loneliest I've ever and everything just seemed so fucking pointless. I began having "those thoughts" again... you know the ones... anybody who has had issues with depression knows "those thoughts"
I honestly did not know it was possible to feel so emo at my age but hey..

My dad even came to visit me because he was worried by my texts that I would try to kill myself.
Ah.
I don't think I could ever do that. I am too much of a coward. But I would be lying if I said the thoughts never creep around sometimes.
I am not a very happy person.. and those days were incredibly dark for me.

I occasionally struggle with the feeling of worthlessness and a consistent voice telling me that nobody cares, and that the care that does come is phony, or it is not coming from who I want it to come from. It's something I should be used to by now.
And maybe it's not.
Maybe there are people who genuinely care but I just cannot recognize it because I'm so blinded by my own desire for something perfect.

I was even briefly considering visiting a doctor and pouring my guts out along with a question of "I'm so sad and depressed can you please help me? Can you please give me a pill or something that will trick my brain into at least pretending it's happy?"
The idea of being some Prozac addict didn't really bother me anymore as long as I could function again. It's probably something I should still consider tbh

But the weeks passed and I think I have pulled myself up enough now to try moving on. It's all we can do after all, isn't it?
Time does not heal, not at fucking all, but it does numb. And numb can be better than constantly thinking..

As, a hopeless, somebody who believes the meaning of life, in it's purest, is to find and be with people you love and who love you equally, it is just utterly crippling to pour out emotions for someone only to realize they don't share the feeling or are not interested.

I just really thought I felt something for once. Touched a beautiful star and was vaporized, I guess.

Ah there's the emo again

-

So that's the ballad of Rose and Yoko. The sad tale of a lonely fool looking too far and a girl who just wasn't all that interested.

It felt kind of good to write down all of those moments. Therapeutic.

I guess I did it, really, for my own sake instead of any "explanation of where I've been" and why I've decided to focus more on that than the depressing aftermath.

It was an incredibly brief, but incredibly amazing moment of my life. A life that has never really had many of those moments. They are warm and fuzzy and I guess I will have them forever. The depression only really comes from wishing there could've been more of it and that it ended so poorly.
I knew it would end, of course, I knew she would go home, but I had high hopes that we could at least be friends by then...

Yoko and I are still "friends" on Facebook, and I guess it is better than nothing, at least to know she's still there, but it's purely academic by this point. She didn't remove me or block me or anything. So... idfk. Facebook really is the stupidest fucking site ever, where you can add a bunch of people and then have the option to mute every single thing about them like... wtf is even the point.

I still care deeply for her and wish her only the best.
Maybe I misjudged character, it wouldn't be the first time, but I still think she is one of the sweetest people I've had the pleasure of knowing.
I don't regret any of the things I did with her or said to her in person. As somebody with so many social problems, I still can hardly believe that I even did most of them. I only regret that there could not be more.

I kind of love her.. I wish she kind of loved me.. but thus is life. It stops for no one and I must move with it.
-

Thank you to everybody who has stuck around with me through everything, really, and to anyone who read all of this. I know it is long and rambley but I just wanted to get it out. I've taken to complaining on Tumblr occasionally and recently created an Instagram account for posting silly pictures of my cats and things but, no, this little site is where I've made the most of myself online so I will continue using it for "expression" or whatever this might be called. Confession? Art is driven by emotions and feelings after all. Well, real art is anyway.

I admit I've become pretty jaded by most of the shit people make around here.. I've never really been one to make anything that the masses would enjoy to begin with but.. ah anyway

This render was started months ago, when I was still so hopeful, but I could never bring myself around to actually work on it until after everything fell apart. You might think it's an idiot move to insist on finishing a work like this when the happy thought it was based on is now crushed but...
I'm an idiot. I move.
But for real I just thought the idea was too good to waste. It can still be hopeful, optimistic even, ah even if it tastes just that little bit bitter to me now. And, of course, I decided to use Misaki because she is sweetest besto Japanese girl

The song was picked long ago when I first heard it. It immediately made me think of Yoko (despite it being called "chinatown" XD) and despite now being a bit of a tear jerker for me is still such a motivating vibe.

For technical things, I just wanted to make the lights pop and the cityscape not look so dull. I think it looks pretty good. I used layers finally so I could tweak, individually, the post-processing stuff like glare without worrying about it fucking up the skin of the model.

-

Anyway thank you again, to my friends here especially. I really do think I have met some of the best people here

It sucks that I have already so horribly failed my goal of making more renders this year, lmao, but I will try to do more now that I am not in such an awful mental state

If you have been hating me for being distant or you think I am pissy or whatever this is probably why. It's been rough. Sorry. I'm not usually in a good mood even if I say I am.

But seriously thank you for being here for me

-

~Model credits~

Misaki and her cellphone: Shuubaru

Scene: rolance

Description

Goes with this: youtu.be/E4uA85iWsIg

..because i wanna find tomorrow with a girl like you...

Hey. It's been a while, yeah?
Well I guess it's time for sad boi blues so pull up a chair for the wall of text and get your little violins ready to play along lol.

-

Where to begin...

So a few months ago now I posted a thing for New Years and anybody who read it would've noticed I mentioned something about meeting a girl.
Well, it was actually last year on Thanksgiving when I met her but anyway.
We will just call her "Yoko" I guess, because I'm not dense enough to use real names lol. Yoko is from Osaka in Japan. She is a student who was staying with some family of mine in a uni town a few hours from me for another year or so. I had previously missed an opportunity to meet her back in January of 2020, because of my own idiocy, and when all of the COVID shit began I heard she had gone back home. A few months later she was back though and now, after the punch I had taken from Elisa, I did not really care about that and wanted to finally meet her.

She was amazing. Shy and cute and so wonderful to be around.
I said konnichiwa and the other tiny little handful of words I know and her reactions were just.. ahh...
Japanese girls... you know...
So yeah.. I ran headfirst into a crush like a little kid.
But I'm still me, and I wasted so much of the time I could've had with her just sitting in silence, fighting with myself inside to just speak to her.

The punch came again, I can still remember it, the night after Thanksgiving, when they were leaving the next day. Having said goodbye in such a stupidly awkward way and driving home, I could only think "what if you never get to see her again?" So the next day I raced over early to say goodbye again. Finally I found some fucking courage.
We sat and listened to music.
I played Plastic Love to her
She played some things she liked. J-pop of course. I don't really like J-pop but for some reason I really liked it with her. But I think what I liked more was that feeling inside. Something warm and fuzzy and wrapping all over my heart, and the same feeling that made my voice get stuck when I looked at her.

After an hour or so, a much too short hour or so, goodbyes were said properly and the rest of that day I was on a cloud.
It felt like a high, for real, but I had neither smoked or drank a thing except the coffee
I guess this feeling is love?
Or maybe that's getting too far ahead... Maybe that feeling was just the rush of a lonely idiot who finally actually made an attempt to try.
Either way it stuck with me for the rest of the month and into November.
I knew I would get to see her again, eventually, and now she was constantly on my mind.
-

Unfortunately, I would have to wait until early December to see her again. And the problem with all of this time is that it gives my stupid brain more time to overthink everything along with the nagging reminder that she would eventually go home to Japan.
It was someone's birthday. I didn't really care too much about that, but Yoko was there and I wanted to see her so I came along.

It was such a good day.
I sat with her, drank her milk tea and ate Chinese food with her (it had been chosen by the birthday person hah). I learned she is from Osaka (a city which, for some reason, I had actually been thinking of before) and that I had been right in the correct spelling of her name (it's a name that technically does exist in English but is not spelled this way and is not feminine)
I learned that she hates Hello Kitty and finds it creepy because of it's lifeless, black eyes, to which I teased her because I think it's cute. I learned that she likes fortune cookies, to which I gave her mine because I think they are gross

We did the music thing again. It was always cool to share those moments with her.
And especially now I think of the little things in detail.
Like while she was playing something that she liked just a little too quietly, probably worried of disturbing others, I inexplicably touched at her phone, so careless of the others, and cranked the volume up along to her wonderful giggle.

Or noticing the cute little riceball sticker on her phone and blurting out "Oh I just love jelly filled donuts!" to which she reacted as you would expect until I showed her the Pokemon clip of NA dub calling riceballs donuts and she started laughing.

And when I looked up at her and burted out something silly like "I really like listening to music with you."

God it was dumb lmao...
And also very unlike me. Usually I'm the loser in the corner not saying a word. I am usually stricken by such debilitating social anxiety, something I feel doesn't come out at all when I am within the freedom of internetland, but she made me want to tell her something dumb like that, she made me want to fight back against myself just to keep talking to her.

The crowning jewel of dumb-dumb came when everyone was leaving, Yoko was not because that was the house she was staying in, and I decided I would like to say something awkward once again lol.
I had been trying some more Japanese words with her during the day and I had a certain thing I was thinking of saying, or trying to say, rattling around my foolish head.
I went to the bathroom to force down some wretched tap water in hopes of having a clear throat and not letting my panicky voice get stuck in it. When I came out there was only Yoko and one other person at the open front door. I put on my shoes and had one last quick think about the potential no man's land I was about to dive head first into, but just as quickly cast it aside in favour of blindly rushing in.
I stood and put on my coat and before leaving stopped to look at Yoko and say "Goodbye, cute girl." in Japanese before quickly ducking outside to the magical sound of her laughing again.

Yeah... probably a crazy thing to do

I'm sure I said the words wrong. I'm sure they were a little too rushed or not spoken loudly enough or the tone was incorrect or...
I know the other person didn't have a clue because I heard a loud "WHAT?" from them as well lmao. Good. It was only for Yoko to hear anyway.
But I did feel crazy in that moment and when I turned back to wave goodbye, now laughing myself, I figured either she understood and was laughing at the complete and utter awkwardness or I had messed the words up so badly she was laughing at that. It didn't matter. I was just so happy to have spent such a wonderful day with such a wonderful person and to leave it like that was.. hmm. kind of precious really.
Also I was leaving with the knowledge I would be seeing her again in two weeks because at some point somebody had decided we would have some kind of pre-Christmas gathering.

Yes. I guess the easiest way for me to not even think for a moment about COVID is a girl
-

With this knowledge came an overwhelming desire to do something for her. I'm not sure why. I've never been the kind of person who goes crazy getting gifts and things. Usually I'm the one who is criticized for doing nothing for people. I guess, maybe, I had just found the right person.
I couldn't think of anything to get but eventually settled on some kind of clothing. I spent a weekend out browsing and got her some sweaters. One that I had a strong feeling she would like, despite still barely knowing her lol, and another that I admit I probably only bought because I liked it
I know it's not the smartest idea to buy clothes for other people, especially girls, but I was clueless as ever and just wanted to do something for her.

I also got the same milk tea she liked, only two of them, just for us, from an international foods store and stumbled across some mochi iced cream.
It was actually something I'd been wanting to try for a long time but never got around to. I figured what better time to try Japanese dessert than with Japanese girl? With that, I also managed to find the perfect Hello Kitty gift bag to put it all in, or at least the sweaters anyway, I thought it would be a nice joke so I got it

December was a busy month for me with work and thinking of Yoko, in retrospect it was actually exhilarating to have so much to occupy me, but the day finally came on the 19th. I could not wait. When I saw her sat at the far side of the dinner table, and when her eyes moved up from her phone to me I could not help the stupid smile on my face.
"Ohayou!" I said and beckoned her to come with me.
A cousin I hadn't seen in a while was there too but I kind of waved her off with a quick greeting, lol, I've seen more than enough of her in my life and right now was only thinking of one person.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths, I kept telling myself as Yoko followed me into the foyer, where we could be alone for a moment, and I handed her the Hello Kitty bag and said happy Christmas.
She laughed at the bag and she said she really liked the one sweater, it was the one I had thought she would

I can't even explain the feeling I had in my heart, it's something I don't get to feel that often, and I know my cheeks were on fire, I can remember that for sure
"But I didn't get anything for you." She said and I responded with another blurt, "Oh, that doesn't matter. Just as long as you're here that's enough."

Cheese. Cheesy cheese. Would you like extra cheese with your cheese, sir?

Hush you

It just came out... from the heart and unfiltered by the brain and I meant it.
Her reactions were so adorable but, like my own, awkward. But it still felt so good. I'm still amazed that an idiot like me could even say something like that to someone he liked so much.

I showed her the mochi and gave her the milk tea "One for you and watashi"
ughhhh soooo laaaame
But she laughed at it.. soo fuck it

I immediately sat with her again and we talked more this time.
About food, and how she didn't like much Canadian food. About okonomiyaki; which is a dish from Osaka, and how there was a place nearby that made it (I never could find the courage to ask her to go. Although I was planning to get some for us the next time I got to see her.)

About the beautiful Xmas lights in Osaka (I wanted to take her to see the ones in this lame little town but never got the chance.)
About animals and about music, which lead us back into our usual thing of sitting there listening together.

It was easier each time to overcome my anxiety.

Turn to her when talking.

Eye contact (the most frightening of things)

Listen to her and engage with her.
It helps a bit, I find, when the other person is also fumbling along awkwardly with you. It can be very difficult holding conversation with someone who is so confident or just not on the same wavelength as you.

We had the tea and the mochi and there were a few incredible moments when everyone else fucked off and briefly we were all alone.
I wish now that I could have done more with these moments.. said more.. I don't know what I would've said but.. I just wish there was more of it... idk
But it was all wonderful as always.
I made a mental note after for next time to stop defaulting to music and to force myself to think of something to talk about with her. I wanted to spend more time with her, after all, and not just sit there with her.
And long before I wanted it to end, she was again being pulled away from me and everyone was leaving.

"Well, it's always so nice to see you." I said as she was leaving.
"Yeah, you too." She replied with that smile I don't think I will ever forget.
The day was over. Another incredible day of something, a feeling, I thought I could never be part of.

I wrote that little thing about 2020 and this and that. As far as I knew, 2021 was going to be great. I would get to see Yoko many more times for sure and each time I knew it would be easier to talk to her and bring with it incredible memories.
-

And then in February I heard something had happened. I still don't really know what. But Yoko had been scooted out by my family members' (whom I will not be wanting to see for quite some time now after this...) and was now with some other. I would never see her again.

I don't really understand why it hit me so hard. Like we still barely even knew each other. I had just decided to close my eyes and run head first at her and now that she was gone I felt just devastated.

So I did some stupid things.

The biggest was rushing to talk to Yoko on Facebook. I had actually started using it again, after 4 or 5 years of ditching the god-awful site, just because I thought I would eventually ask her in person if it would be alright to add her.
She added me and we chatted a bit.
A bit...
It was... well... it should have been awakening right there.
She never engaged directly, always just responding, and taking a long time to do even that after the first few times.
I guess I should have taken the obvious hints.
But no. It was easier to try fooling myself, lying to myself, about the language barrier and about shyness. Even if neither were ever a big hurdle when we were together in person.

The more I talked, the less she talked... It was clear she wasn't very interested but I just kept trying to make conversation. I was so obsessed, so desperate, so stupid... Obviously I had overthought everything, and I liked her a lot more than she ever really liked me. Maybe she didn't really like me that much to begin with and had just been too polite in person.
I said some dumb shit I wish I could take back.
I tried to apologize. I guess you're not supposed to do this or something. These "rules" make no sense to me.. This "game" is needlessly complicated..

Eventually she just stopped responding at all.

Not only would I never see her again but now she wouldn't even talk to me. In my stupidity, and my insistence to keep pushing and pushing, I had just pushed her away...

I had this little thought a few weeks ago to describe how I felt then like a space man whose lifeline to Earth had been gently tugged out of his hands and now he was left floating around slowly in the cold, lonely nothing, staring at the beautiful world he could no longer reach.

I also had a poetic little comparison of myself to Pluto. I know how Pluto feels way out there all alone and forgotten.
But then I remembered Pluto has Charon. It's precious little companion to twirl around in cosmic dance forever and ever with no care about the void because the two of them can never be lonely because they have each other.

-

For a few days I could barely get myself out of bed. I cried myself to sleep. I felt the loneliest I've ever and everything just seemed so fucking pointless. I began having "those thoughts" again... you know the ones... anybody who has had issues with depression knows "those thoughts"
I honestly did not know it was possible to feel so emo at my age but hey..

My dad even came to visit me because he was worried by my texts that I would try to kill myself.
Ah.
I don't think I could ever do that. I am too much of a coward. But I would be lying if I said the thoughts never creep around sometimes.
I am not a very happy person.. and those days were incredibly dark for me.

I occasionally struggle with the feeling of worthlessness and a consistent voice telling me that nobody cares, and that the care that does come is phony, or it is not coming from who I want it to come from. It's something I should be used to by now.
And maybe it's not.
Maybe there are people who genuinely care but I just cannot recognize it because I'm so blinded by my own desire for something perfect.

I was even briefly considering visiting a doctor and pouring my guts out along with a question of "I'm so sad and depressed can you please help me? Can you please give me a pill or something that will trick my brain into at least pretending it's happy?"
The idea of being some Prozac addict didn't really bother me anymore as long as I could function again. It's probably something I should still consider tbh

But the weeks passed and I think I have pulled myself up enough now to try moving on. It's all we can do after all, isn't it?
Time does not heal, not at fucking all, but it does numb. And numb can be better than constantly thinking..

As, a hopeless, somebody who believes the meaning of life, in it's purest, is to find and be with people you love and who love you equally, it is just utterly crippling to pour out emotions for someone only to realize they don't share the feeling or are not interested.

I just really thought I felt something for once. Touched a beautiful star and was vaporized, I guess.

Ah there's the emo again

-

So that's the ballad of Rose and Yoko. The sad tale of a lonely fool looking too far and a girl who just wasn't all that interested.

It felt kind of good to write down all of those moments. Therapeutic.

I guess I did it, really, for my own sake instead of any "explanation of where I've been" and why I've decided to focus more on that than the depressing aftermath.

It was an incredibly brief, but incredibly amazing moment of my life. A life that has never really had many of those moments. They are warm and fuzzy and I guess I will have them forever. The depression only really comes from wishing there could've been more of it and that it ended so poorly.
I knew it would end, of course, I knew she would go home, but I had high hopes that we could at least be friends by then...

Yoko and I are still "friends" on Facebook, and I guess it is better than nothing, at least to know she's still there, but it's purely academic by this point. She didn't remove me or block me or anything. So... idfk. Facebook really is the stupidest fucking site ever, where you can add a bunch of people and then have the option to mute every single thing about them like... wtf is even the point.

I still care deeply for her and wish her only the best.
Maybe I misjudged character, it wouldn't be the first time, but I still think she is one of the sweetest people I've had the pleasure of knowing.
I don't regret any of the things I did with her or said to her in person. As somebody with so many social problems, I still can hardly believe that I even did most of them. I only regret that there could not be more.

I kind of love her.. I wish she kind of loved me.. but thus is life. It stops for no one and I must move with it.
-

Thank you to everybody who has stuck around with me through everything, really, and to anyone who read all of this. I know it is long and rambley but I just wanted to get it out. I've taken to complaining on Tumblr occasionally and recently created an Instagram account for posting silly pictures of my cats and things but, no, this little site is where I've made the most of myself online so I will continue using it for "expression" or whatever this might be called. Confession? Art is driven by emotions and feelings after all. Well, real art is anyway.

I admit I've become pretty jaded by most of the shit people make around here.. I've never really been one to make anything that the masses would enjoy to begin with but.. ah anyway

This render was started months ago, when I was still so hopeful, but I could never bring myself around to actually work on it until after everything fell apart. You might think it's an idiot move to insist on finishing a work like this when the happy thought it was based on is now crushed but...
I'm an idiot. I move.
But for real I just thought the idea was too good to waste. It can still be hopeful, optimistic even, ah even if it tastes just that little bit bitter to me now. And, of course, I decided to use Misaki because she is sweetest besto Japanese girl

The song was picked long ago when I first heard it. It immediately made me think of Yoko (despite it being called "chinatown" XD) and despite now being a bit of a tear jerker for me is still such a motivating vibe.

For technical things, I just wanted to make the lights pop and the cityscape not look so dull. I think it looks pretty good. I used layers finally so I could tweak, individually, the post-processing stuff like glare without worrying about it fucking up the skin of the model.

-

Anyway thank you again, to my friends here especially. I really do think I have met some of the best people here

It sucks that I have already so horribly failed my goal of making more renders this year, lmao, but I will try to do more now that I am not in such an awful mental state

If you have been hating me for being distant or you think I am pissy or whatever this is probably why. It's been rough. Sorry. I'm not usually in a good mood even if I say I am.

But seriously thank you for being here for me

-

~Model credits~

Misaki and her cellphone: Shuubaru

Scene: rolance