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ninjababyI Call Him Compulsion by-nc-nd
Published: 2011-07-06 21:18:42 +0000 UTC; Views: 6885; Favourites: 269; Downloads: 166
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Description Three. Four. Five. I like five; it feels complete. Okay, one more time. Six…

Seven. Done.

"How long does it take to get a glass of water?" my husband calls from the living room.

"Sorry, I'm coming." I resist the urge to rinse the glass a few more times. Cleanliness is not a factor—it's the numbers. The completion. The habit. I take a sip of my water and force myself to stop asking if I should just run the water one more time.

I join Sam in the living room and sit in my usual spot: the center recliner. He always lies on the couch to watch TV. It works.

He hits the play button, and we watch ten minutes of reality before the demon sneaks into my mind again. This time I see fire. It sparks from the dryer, blisters the walls, and rushes tsunami-like towards my son's room. It licks at my daughter's curtains.

I see them lying in their beds, unaware of the destruction. I see walls of flame keeping me from them.

"I have to go to the bathroom," I say. Sam pauses the show. The beast in my head laughs with intense pleasure.

I disappear down the hallway, relieved I smell no smoke. I walk back to my son's room first and peek in the door: he lies peacefully on the bed.

The demon points at him, and I follow his bat-like finger: My son lies with his hand against the wall. I know there's an outlet there.

Fear roars in my face; it grips my brain. I tiptoe forward, holding my breath, washed in terror.

I see him, turned over, face blue, finger in the outlet.

I get down on one knee and look across his body. I squint in the darkness. His chest rises and falls underneath the blanket that acts like a barometer I use to track the rhythm of his breaths.

Stepping back, I shut the door with a quiet click and breathe. I go to the bathroom and flush the toilet. I run the water. I count to three. Three is a complete number.

Back down the hallway, I check my daughter. She turns over when the light hits her face and sighs in her sleep. I summon a smile for her and close her door.

"That was a long bathroom break."

"Yeah, I checked on the kids while I was back there."

"Ah. All right, let's finish the show."

Fifteen minutes later, I hear a noise. "Did you hear that?"

"No."

"It was a click or something." Like a window opening, my companion suggests. I see my daughter, asleep in her room, and a man climbing in the window. A shadow creeps to her little body, grabs her, stifles her and slips back out. Later I'll find the room empty, the window open.

I try fighting the urge. I spew logic at myself. I would hear her, no one could get in here that quietly. Just as quickly, the demon takes over: If you don't check...

Sam sighs. "Do you want to go check?"

"Yes."

I check the forecast in my son's room: barometer's steady. I check my daughter's room: she fidgets.

"They're fine, you know."

"I know." I don't know. I never know. All day the demon sits on my shoulder; crawls around in my brain; whispers in my ears. He spans all media: pictures, sounds, and videos play on loops in my head. Each different, but forever ending the same way:

Me, alive, my arms empty as I swing from the last shred of sanity I have left, carried away by a balloon of fear.

"Well, it's only got five minutes. Let's watch it and go to bed."

"Okay." The demon looks at me from the surface of my glass. The ice in my water has melted, and I don't drink water without ice. I tuck my hands into my lap and watch the screen.

Reality ends. We chat about the drama, the successes, and the failures. We go to the bathroom. Sam goes to bed.

The shadow on my shoulder and I check on my son's barometer and my daughter's fitful sleep.

I go back to the living room windows. They're sealed. I place my first two fingers around the door lock. It's vertical, but it's not complete. I do it again. Two. Three. Four. Five. I need to feel the metal between them. Eventually I force myself away, tapping my finger on my forehead. It gives me a focus.

I check the stove. The coffee pot. The toaster. I check the stove again.

My daughter keeps turning; my son keeps breathing.

I climb into bed, and my husband's already asleep. My demon swings on my ear lobe like a kid on monkey bars. Did you check the stove?

Yes.

You could have missed it. You could have missed the light on. I see fire again. Walls of flame. Beds turned to ash.

If you don't check…

The rest is always implied: he doesn't say it and neither do I, but we both know how it ends.

…it will be your fault.
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Comments: 122

manuelka In reply to ??? [2013-07-06 17:03:47 +0000 UTC]

No, I disagree. I think the personification is not obtrusive and not for 1 second was I under the impression that maybe it was the demon who left the stove on etc. I think the personalisation works great in emphasising how difficult it is to control, how it almost lives its own life, and always tries to take the control of the protagonist.

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SilverInkblot In reply to manuelka [2013-07-06 18:03:41 +0000 UTC]

Fair enough. It was a nitpick on my part.

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ninjababy In reply to ??? [2011-07-30 00:55:14 +0000 UTC]

I'm glad you said that. Personifying the demon was a last-minute decision--I had written one line with that imagery and decided to use it throughout. I'll take a closer look at what it was before and see if I can make that work better.

Thank you so much; I think you're pretty darn awesome, so a good critique from is you makes my day!

I know this is flash fiction, but a lot of this is close to truth--or at least, what my truth used to be. It's cathartic to write about it; to put my finger on it and say "A ha! That's what you are!" if that makes sense. I feel sorry for my character; I've so been there.

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SilverInkblot In reply to ninjababy [2011-07-30 01:30:16 +0000 UTC]

I think it works as imagery, just try to avoid giving the metaphor a personality

You're pretty good yourself

I kinda get it, but with less paranoia. I count things all the time - I hate odd numbers unless it's a multiple of five. I've never been sure why I always feel unbalanced if I don't land on an even number of steps for instance.

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ninjababy In reply to SilverInkblot [2011-07-30 02:36:59 +0000 UTC]

Ahh. Five. I love five. Five, three, and ten are great numbers. Sometimes numbers feel right and sometimes they don't, and don't get me started on decimals.

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SilverInkblot In reply to ninjababy [2011-07-30 02:43:15 +0000 UTC]

I won't

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ninjababy In reply to SilverInkblot [2011-07-30 03:10:48 +0000 UTC]

: laugh:

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SilverInkblot In reply to ninjababy [2011-07-31 21:29:59 +0000 UTC]

Featured: [link]

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ninjababy In reply to SilverInkblot [2011-07-31 21:36:12 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

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amrgalal7 [2013-08-15 02:04:50 +0000 UTC]

Featured here fav.me/d6i6dm1

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ActsofArt [2013-07-27 22:28:59 +0000 UTC]

Amazing! every word had me reading to the very end wonderfully thought out!! Congrats on the DD this one really deserves it!
<3

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crazyDoggy [2013-07-09 11:34:17 +0000 UTC]

Wow, this is so detailed and is something I can fairly relate to. I have this problem with numbers and syllables, where 3 or 5 ice cubes in my water is perfect, but 4 is somehow too many; where if I repeat an odd-syllable word too much, I get agitated. 

I have to know the exact time as often as possible, or else I feel lost. If I hear a small noise, even if I know it was nothing, I will keep looking over to where it came from until I forget that I ever even heard it.


Every detail matters to me. Anywho, this is such an accurate and amazing piece of writing. c:

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aliza-em [2013-07-08 22:49:17 +0000 UTC]

Wow very eye opening...... aaand your writing is nothing short of perfection, totally deserved the DD!

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Patrikia-Bear [2013-07-08 02:53:16 +0000 UTC]

Dude.........
I hope I never become this person.

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ninjababy In reply to Patrikia-Bear [2013-07-08 06:34:21 +0000 UTC]

Well, as there's only one of me, I think you're probably safe.

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amrgalal7 [2013-07-07 07:00:42 +0000 UTC]

Outstanding, overwhelming and epic. Congrats

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ninjababy In reply to amrgalal7 [2013-07-07 11:22:30 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

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amrgalal7 In reply to ninjababy [2013-07-07 18:05:43 +0000 UTC]

Most welcome

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Rain0o0o [2013-07-07 04:36:02 +0000 UTC]

Awesome piece!

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ninjababy In reply to Rain0o0o [2013-07-07 04:43:03 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

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MorzansElvenDaughter [2013-07-07 03:28:34 +0000 UTC]

Wow. I definitely can see why you got a DD. Congrats.

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ninjababy In reply to MorzansElvenDaughter [2013-07-07 04:42:53 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

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MorzansElvenDaughter In reply to ninjababy [2013-07-08 04:43:09 +0000 UTC]

Welcome.

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Mahasim [2013-07-07 03:01:30 +0000 UTC]

I live with a family member who has OCD similar to this. It's very hard understanding her motivations and how she thinks, but this might've helped.

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ninjababy In reply to Mahasim [2013-07-07 04:42:01 +0000 UTC]

I'm glad; it's so hard when you're dealing with OCD to explain it to family members. If it helps in any way, than it's done more than I could have asked for. Thank you.

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Steve-C2 [2013-07-07 02:53:53 +0000 UTC]

Well written. That's all I have.

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ninjababy In reply to Steve-C2 [2013-07-07 04:41:20 +0000 UTC]

Thank you.

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VelkynKarma [2013-07-07 02:30:25 +0000 UTC]

Personally I really love how this piece accurately shows just how a person feels with OCD.

I've got my own pretty frustrating compulsions (not the same as these ones though) so a lot of this felt familiar. The way you can know and simultaneously not know things, how you can't logic yourself out of redoing a particular task that you know isn't necessary and keep doing it anyway just in case or because I need to.

I find it hard to explain to family sometimes why it is I need to wash my hands [X] amount of times after [Y] task or why I can't touch objects A or B without following [Z] compulsion, but object C is mysteriously okay, or why I need to double and triple-check certain things...etc etc. And I know sometimes it frustrates or exasperates them. Hell, it frustrates and exasperates me too, to know I'm doing these things completely illogically but I have to do them anyway because I have to. But this captures it perfectly. So, great job.

~VelkynKarma

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ninjababy In reply to VelkynKarma [2013-07-07 04:40:32 +0000 UTC]

The explaining--oh, I am so with you there. There are so many things my husband just doesn't understand, and it's impossible to give him the experience. This is as close as I could get. I'm both pleased and comforted that so many others understand. Thank you!

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crazycomposer [2013-07-07 00:25:45 +0000 UTC]

Brilliant. From one with bipolar... We Understand.

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ninjababy In reply to crazycomposer [2013-07-07 04:38:27 +0000 UTC]

Those are two of the best words you can say when you mean them.

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xxStolen-soulsxx [2013-07-07 00:22:01 +0000 UTC]

sounds exactly like the struggle that grips the mind of someone suffering from severe OCD...
I don't have it that bad, but I do get those nasty visions... I see car crashes and fires play out in my head... and I have to say out loud, "no, I don't want that to happen." it still bothers me after I say that, but it helps to distract me from the vision... sometimes it gets me paranoid enough that I get out of bed and start pacing...

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ninjababy In reply to xxStolen-soulsxx [2013-07-07 04:37:43 +0000 UTC]

It's a horrible feeling to dread something that isn't real or logical, but that's definitely life for a lot of us.

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xxStolen-soulsxx In reply to ninjababy [2013-07-07 18:24:45 +0000 UTC]

it is.

Personifying the irrational thought as a demon conveys the feeling well.
it's something that grips you as though you are possessed, and you know you shouldn't think the thoughts, but you do it anyways... it's a fear so powerful that it can be paralyzing... but it's all in your head.

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ninjababy In reply to xxStolen-soulsxx [2013-07-10 04:28:05 +0000 UTC]

This, exactly.

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887pink [2013-07-06 23:55:27 +0000 UTC]

This is so well done! I have OCD so I get where your coming from. A few years ago my OCD was at about the same place as yours and I remember how stressful it was. I really wish you the best when it comes to dealing with it.

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ninjababy In reply to 887pink [2013-07-07 04:36:37 +0000 UTC]

When I wrote this, it was absolutely how I felt. I will say that since then these aspects have dwindled and now there are other obsessions/compulsions popping up. Ah well, win some, lose some.

Thank you!

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Zeke-01 [2013-07-06 22:54:31 +0000 UTC]

That demon that compels us... Fear, anxiety, worry... the voice in your head... a voice of reason... or of needless caution... is caution ever really needless... can you be too careful? Do we have reason to fear? If not, why are we constantly bothered by the words of the foreshadowing storyteller...? It's a beautiful story that asks many questions and makes many people think many things. ^~^ A favourite for sure.

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ninjababy In reply to Zeke-01 [2013-07-07 04:35:38 +0000 UTC]

Questions that haunt us a million trillion times a day. Thank you!

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Zeke-01 In reply to ninjababy [2013-07-07 05:04:23 +0000 UTC]

^^ you're very welcome. ^~^ I feel someone else may understand my fears and my worries, of my demons. I will watch to see more. Should you ever care to, I have many similar stories of my past... many times when morality, and the grey areas of good and bad are brought into question. I have my demons, but can rarely speak of them, lest I drive away all those I speak with... It's nice to meet another intelligent soul who won't simply go running from something they don't understand.

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BlackTudorRose [2013-07-06 21:58:46 +0000 UTC]

This is creepy in the sneak-up-on-you-and-make-you-slowly-go-mad kind of way. Our something like that. Its hard to describe.

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ninjababy In reply to BlackTudorRose [2013-07-07 04:34:46 +0000 UTC]

That's good, though; because in a lot of ways that's what it actually feels like! Thank you.

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BlackTudorRose In reply to ninjababy [2013-07-07 22:51:27 +0000 UTC]

No problem.

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TheLearningArtist [2013-07-06 21:39:36 +0000 UTC]

I don't have OCD (in fact, I have ADHD, which is the sort of the exact opposite thing) but this does sort of let me know what it feels like.
I like this because the main character is not just a list of symptoms with a face. You get the severity of the disorder across, but your character has a personality too.

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ninjababy In reply to TheLearningArtist [2013-07-07 04:34:23 +0000 UTC]

I'm glad that comes across; sometimes it's so easy to see the disorder instead of the person.

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starrysky963 [2013-07-06 20:59:43 +0000 UTC]

Faving this simply does not do it justice. This is fantastic! Absolutely and satisfyingly haunting, different, real. Lovely piece.

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ninjababy In reply to starrysky963 [2013-07-07 04:33:56 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much! Real--that part's important to me. Thank you for seeing that.

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starrysky963 In reply to ninjababy [2013-07-07 14:13:07 +0000 UTC]

You're very very welcome. (:

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ScarlettBaudelaire [2013-07-06 20:49:49 +0000 UTC]

This is great.

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ninjababy In reply to ScarlettBaudelaire [2013-07-07 04:33:28 +0000 UTC]

Thanks!

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