HOME | DD
Ninjastar13 — Static Streams
by-nc-nd
Published: 2008-09-12 18:37:10 +0000 UTC; Views: 148; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 3
Redirect to original
Description
I went to school the other dayForced there by the uncanny drag
But Chief-man looked the other way
Casual, like my packed bag
A rock in a box with pink lace
The drag was gone, free
And landed in a better place
Rather it landed on me
Silver lining saves the day
Acidic optimism
Inner dining on the prey
Seething lonely in a prism
The comedy gods laugh at the irony.
Do I like my language?
Only as much as the pen in my hand.
Related content
Comments: 18
I like the rhyme, and the phonology. But I find with these types of poems it's hard to understand exactly what the writer is referring to. So I can't really say anything more constructive, sorry
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Yeah, sometimes i write strictly for the sound, i guess its all a matter of personal preference.
Thanks for looking.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Stanza is great, very good choice of words. Acidic optamism, is now what im calling my view on life.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
it pretty good. the rhymes in the first stanza are pretty basic tho, day:way, free:me
everything else is nice and original, the whole poem in general is very original
nice work
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you kindly sir. true that there is basic rhyming however there really shouldnt be any at all and i wanted a little bit. Psalm structure typically doesnt have rhyming but i threw it in anyway.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
hmm i like you now i shall stalk you
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
This is good
I like the sentence,
"Silver lining saves the day"
Overall, it's very nice
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You are too kind(*bows*)
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
This is excellent. Many of the rhymed poems I read on dA sound quite forced, but this seems very natural. The rhythm is great, as are the word choices. I'm faving this.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Too good, youre too good to me. (blushes)
thank you
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Cleverly worded piece of work. I liked it overall. The moderate use of common cliches is a good way to draw in the reader and the rhyming in the first stanza is strong.
I can see that you were trying to go "outside the box", but by the second stanza the rhythm kind of faltered a bit. That threw me off slightly. Also, although "acidic optimism" is a great use of imagery, the rhyming of "optimism" and "prism" is a bit weak.
Overall though, this is a good poem, and I enjoyed reading it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you i kinda forced the rhyme, because i really like acidic optimism. Ill keep that in mind when i retool this. thnx again
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
My favorite by far. I love the thought of "acidic optimism"
👍: 0 ⏩: 1