Comments: 5
Scheherazade-k [2007-12-08 03:38:52 +0000 UTC]
I definately agree with Josh regarding the gory details. I also liked the plot, but you definately mixed up character names/tenses in a few places, and other things that could be easily fixed after a revision. Good job at writing this last night--you know that my story is not even close to finished! *sigh* you can't do it all, I guess
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no-shelter-here In reply to Scheherazade-k [2007-12-08 04:32:07 +0000 UTC]
Yah, Josh was right about that. I believe the best way to scare the reader is to let their own fears come alive in the story rather than your own. Thats why reading a horror story can be so much scarier than watching it on a movie. I'll revise everything over the Winter Break.
Don't worry too much about your story. I'm sure it'll be awesome when its finished. Just relax and let it all come to you, and you'll be finished in no time. ^_^
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darkillusion009 [2007-12-07 04:31:13 +0000 UTC]
Hmm...an interesting story. Obviously I liked the general plot, so I won't spend too much time on that; instead I'd like to offer a few remarks on your writing itself. While you constructed your story very well, a greater effect could have been achieved if the backstory of the house itself were to be condensed and explained during the main story. Your general style is pretty good, but one a couple of occasions I noticed a few errors that made me cringe: first, the second paragraph after the backstory shouldn't have been written in present tense, as it hurts the flow of the story - I appreciate the less conventional construction on that part, but unfortunately it didn't come out as favorably as it might have; the second point is in describing the death of Peter, where the author refers to himself - that unfortunately only works in 1st person writing and a very small amount of third person situations. As an observation, often saying that something is "too [blank] to be described" actually mutes the effect of the situation and does little to conjure emotion in the reader; instead it is worth taking ten minutes to craft an absolutely perfect sentence; something quick in order to make a powerful point, vague - if you don't want to go into too much detail or if you must censor yourself, and potent - cram the most emotion possible into one sentence or phrase. Despite these two particular points, I enjoyed your story. Make sure you check through because there were some spelling and mechanics areas, and towards the end you called Sharon "Jamie", despite Jamie having been killed.
I suppose I really should start writing again, but I've been so busy with school work and such that I haven't had time. Please note me if you'd like some advice or help in writing more; I really think you should write that other idea you talked about as a fully-fledged story, and I'd be more than happy to help.
(We had to take Rob to the mental hospital. He was...more than happy)
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no-shelter-here In reply to darkillusion009 [2007-12-07 13:44:54 +0000 UTC]
Yah, I wrote it all in one night, so I wasn't going through with a fine comb on some of those errors. But reading it again, I can definitely see where I made those mistakes. I get to write the final draft throughout the Winter Break, so I'll have more than enough time to make it really ass-kicking.
I didn't want to go too crazy in describing the deaths, seeing as I really had to censor myself. But I'm thinking about writing this unsensored and putting it online here, so I can really put the gore and the horror into it all. I've also thought about giving these creatures a name of sorts, and writing more stories involving them...like H.P Lovecraft did with his Ctchulu (sp?) Mythos (only my creatures are actual people and the Cthchulu is not). But I'm still not sure. I had alot of fun writing this, and hopefully I'll have enough time to make it really awsome.
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darkillusion009 In reply to no-shelter-here [2007-12-07 16:50:20 +0000 UTC]
Sometimes you don't always have to completely describe the gory details to make the greatest impact. Maybe your literary influences are different, but the greatest fear comes from not knowing all of the details, allowing the reader's greatest fears to influence their imagination. If you want some input over the Christmas break, I'll be glad to help.
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