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noirre — Goldfish
Published: 2010-11-25 20:29:42 +0000 UTC; Views: 1080; Favourites: 16; Downloads: 17
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Description
You saw them through dark waters,glints and glimmers, there and then gone
hoop ready in hand, you reached for those nanoseconds
but after one,
or was it three?
waves of the fin
you lost your grip
Still, what remains,
memories of nights
colored with honey and blueberry tones,
of days when something warm
made a splash in your chest,
surrounding the muscle they call 'heart'
There is something to be said about rare encounters
and yet,
When you wish upon a star, you always ask
for a net with smaller eyes
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Comments: 17
There's something I really like about poems that don't easily show what they're really about! C: I thoroughly enjoyed this Critique. (If anyone else's reading this, I recommend this poem!)
General Comments:
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The details are just right- they imply much but aren't overwhelming. This makes me thoughtful and feel... warm C: (If you're wondering, I scrolled through your gallery and have no idea why I chose this to critique.) I see that you've responded to past constructive comments, which is great. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/x/x… " width="15" height="15" alt="
First Stanza:
The 'you' immediately intrigues the reader, so that we'd wonder who this is and what's his/her relationship with the speaker. It's good that you haven't immediately stated anything specific about him (I'll use 'him' for now). Same thing with 'them'. The lack of specifics about anything important invites us to read on. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/t… " width="15" height="15" alt="
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glints and glimmers, there and then gone;
hoop ready in hand, you reached for those nanoseconds,
but after one-or was it three-waves of the fin,
you lost your grip. It's a rather complicated sentence structure; I suggest removing all the line breaks temporarily to check the punctuation/structure- that makes the checking easier. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b… " width="10" height="10" alt="
Second Stanza: ('Still' to ''heart'')
The emotion starts flowing in here; I think you've got great control over writing them. The imagery is vivid and connects with the other instances of imagery- pleasant. We now know some part of the speaker's relationship with 'him', and this is the stanza that feels the most gentle. It's a good middle-stanza.e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/t… " width="15" height="15" alt="
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Memories of nights with
honey and blueberry tones and
of days when something warm
splashed in your chest,
surrounding the muscle they call 'heart'.e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b… " width="10" height="10" alt="
(Remember that my examples are definitely not perfect; they're just guides. And the colon's really useful.)
Third Stanza:
It's an amazing conclusion to this poem- a combination of a more cryptic message (the last line) and a comment. The last mention about what has happened is presented well. There're more connections to the other stanzas, and this brings the poem to a (kinda-)sweet finish. Also, the 'eyes' to end it adds a touch of surreality C:e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/t… " width="15" height="15" alt="
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When(ever?) you wish upon a star, you always ask for
a net with smaller eyes.
The more times I read this, the more I like it C: You can try submitting this (and other pieces) to #theWrittenRevolution , #ProjectComment and/or #Critique-It ; from experience, they're great.
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Thank you for submitting to the Critique Folder at a.deviantart.net/avatars/w/r/w… " alt=" " title="Writers--club"/>!
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It was quite interesting to read that this poem was originally in Finnish; some poems lose a lot in translation, but from what I have gathered from this one, your poem "Goldfish" retained all its original impact.
The vision you created in the reader's mind is very clear. The descriptions and adjectives in the opening paragraph are very artfully composed. There were a few portions in the poem where the tense shifts seemed a bit odd, but that can easily be called a matter of preference. Lovely work, it was interesting to read about goldfish presented in such a way!
=TheFinalHikari
Founder of #Writers--club and #LandoftheSky
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Guh - this poem is absolutely delicious. True, I am under the influence of those wonderful lines, "memories of night/colored with honey and blueberry tones..." but there's something about this poem as a whole - how the memories it evokes are vivid enough to see and taste - that gives it such a warm, visceral feeling. It's filled with aching. I love how the image of fishing for goldfish comes full circle, from the lost grip to the "net with smaller eyes."
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This is somewhat of an abstract poem, so even though I'm not 100% sure what you mean, it affects how I feel...if that makes any sense.
Like in the third stanza, I feel the warmth 
I think the words you've chosen are great. It's really hard to suggest other words since only the poet knows what he/she is aiming for. As it is, I wouldn't change anything
As for the meaning of the poem...
Hm...
Maybe something romantic? About someone romancing someone...?
maybe the "dark waters" is the search for the right person, and the "hoop ready in hand" is someone who is ready to get married.
Then, maybe things didn't go well with the marriage plans and all that's left are the memories together.
you always ask
for a net with smaller eyes
Well, a net for smaller eyes can catch smaller fish. It can catch a variety of fish, so *both* smaller and bigger fish. Perhaps the person "you" is too picky?
Lol. I don't know. That's my interpretation. I'd very much like to know what you intended with this poem
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This is phenomenal. It speaks in so much more than just words- the descriptions in the third paragraph are complete and beautiful, and the last two lines are almost begging for interpretation, so pensive, with so much meaning. Very well done.
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Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by 
Keep writing and keep creating.
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Most awesome, love the imagery. The actual structure of the poem needs mentioning though, I definitely like the indentation on the fifth line, especially because it is the only break. Well done, walk tall.
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*wish I knew Finnish*
Sometimes, works lose their original beauty in translation. But this is lovely, so I wonder what the original is like.
Okay, before I respond to your Artist's Comment, I really want to say that I loved the third stanza.
(Just a tiny thing - the plural of 'fish' is really just 'fish'.
That last stanza is so~ intriguing. a net with smaller eyes... I guess, if I wanted to go for a *literal* reading, I'd say that the narrator wants a net with smaller gaps, so that the goldfish don't escape. But I'd prefer to reach for a *metaphorical* reading, where the "eyes" are... well, eyes.
Your English is excellent. 
My one bit of critique, I guess, would be the "then" in the second line. It's not entirely necessary in a poetic sense, and at the moment, it disrupts the flow a little.
To me, the poem can be about how the goldfish represent our dreams. They're in reach, but there's the impression that it's too early to capture our ambitions, and there's still something more to fulfil.
Beautiful work.
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Gah, I thought I already answered this wonderful comment. 
About translating; usually I translate my poems very faithfully to the original one, as long as I feel that the english word conveys the same moodas the finnish one. In this poem, for example, the nanoseconds are an expression unique tot his translation, the finnish version only spoke of extending a hand for the catch, but it sounded just, meh. So I rethought the line. But the variations between the pieces are very few and very minor in general, I rarely touch stuff like line breaks.
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I love replying to pieces like this.
Understanding grammar is a lifelong process.
Ah, I see. I suppose I would judge translation's depending on each poem, but context is definitely important. It's kind of like when watching subbed anime... you hear a phrase and you know what it means *literally*, but in context, the statement can mean something completely different~
Bwaha. Rhythm is so difficult. XD
I shall make... orange juice.
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Like all your writing, this is really lovely. You have a great way of creating and colouring in a moment or brief sequence of events. It may be the way you write and/or translate to English that adds to the charm! I so thoroughly appreciated your critique on my poem, I am quite awful and returning the favour as my like or dislike of a poem is purely an emotional response, I am not so great at the technical dissection as it were. So rather than write a critique just yet I shall outline the issues I have seen below.
There are a few small errors.
waves of the fin, and
you lost your grip
In the flow of the previous few lines the word 'and' is not appropriate, simply "You lost your grip' would suffice.
"colored with honey a blueberry tones" needs to either be "colored with honey AND blueberry tones" or "colored with honey, a blueberry TONE" (drop the plural) I'm not sure which you were going for.
Also in my opinion...
"There is something to be said about rare encounters
and yet,
When you wish upon a star, you always ask
for a net with smaller eyes"
May be better off as one, the previous break at with the line "Still, what remains," works well.
Hope that was constructive and not overly oppressive (if it was I really didn't mean to be)
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Waaaaah, a long comment, yay!
It most certainly wasn't oppressive! Thank you so much! 
The stanza break (or did you mean the line breaks?) I put between the two last stanzas because when reading this poem out loud, I always take a bit longer brea at that point compared to a simple line break. But I'll think about it.
Thank you again!
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My pleasure, looking forward to reading more.
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mut=my. I'm making a lot of type-o's lately it seems...
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