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6) Silent fervor

My wife mustn’t know.

It’s that simple, putting my wishes to words. But the difficult part is of course making them true. How can I hide it from her, how do I protect them? The child will be born soon and I fear their origin will become obvious. She may lose her husband’s support, all the worse, that of the society. And what would befall us then, two people who are indeed quilty of adultery, in love perhaps, but still criminal? What mark will the child have to bear from birth?

I am a person prone to thinking way too far ahead. It gets to my heart, makes it heavy with feelings that aren’t reasonable considering the situation. In my mind, I have already lost both my wife and her in dreadful ways and the child as well. She has turned her back on me, or come too close, lost everything, gained everything. The child has lived and died, suffered, grasped a foreign hand, grown resentful, but also become the light of this world. Only negative images surround the routes I have imagined my spouse taking, though, which is deeply unsettling. I know she is not such a terrible person… I know she yearns for the same things we all do, that she is human. However, unlike most of us, she is at times incapable of holding herself back, when she falls, she falls fast and hard. For years I had made it my mission to try to help her or at least give a little bit of solace. In the end I have learned it’s not something I can do.

The terror and radiance of love. When that emotion is used as a guide it’ll lead you somewhere you haven’t been before, that I can assure you. Whether that place is where you want to be, not to mention the best place for you to be at, is all relative. As people we are not purely logical creatures. Love crosses borders. The walls within ourselves and those which manifest outside for everyone to feel. I have fallen in love with someone very different from me, someone who is just as unavailable to me as I am to her in the eyes of the society. But this fact cannot push me away. The chains which I have broken, the things I have given up, all give way to the wonderful things I have received. They will empower me till eternity.

Shai Entíem

Description

6) Silent fervor

My wife mustn’t know.

It’s that simple, putting my wishes to words. But the difficult part is of course making them true. How can I hide it from her, how do I protect them? The child will be born soon and I fear their origin will become obvious. She may lose her husband’s support, all the worse, that of the society. And what would befall us then, two people who are indeed quilty of adultery, in love perhaps, but still criminal? What mark will the child have to bear from birth?

I am a person prone to thinking way too far ahead. It gets to my heart, makes it heavy with feelings that aren’t reasonable considering the situation. In my mind, I have already lost both my wife and her in dreadful ways and the child as well. She has turned her back on me, or come too close, lost everything, gained everything. The child has lived and died, suffered, grasped a foreign hand, grown resentful, but also become the light of this world. Only negative images surround the routes I have imagined my spouse taking, though, which is deeply unsettling. I know she is not such a terrible person… I know she yearns for the same things we all do, that she is human. However, unlike most of us, she is at times incapable of holding herself back, when she falls, she falls fast and hard. For years I had made it my mission to try to help her or at least give a little bit of solace. In the end I have learned it’s not something I can do.

The terror and radiance of love. When that emotion is used as a guide it’ll lead you somewhere you haven’t been before, that I can assure you. Whether that place is where you want to be, not to mention the best place for you to be at, is all relative. As people we are not purely logical creatures. Love crosses borders. The walls within ourselves and those which manifest outside for everyone to feel. I have fallen in love with someone very different from me, someone who is just as unavailable to me as I am to her in the eyes of the society. But this fact cannot push me away. The chains which I have broken, the things I have given up, all give way to the wonderful things I have received. They will empower me till eternity.

Shai Entíem