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oribel — I'm done
by-nc-nd
Published: 2009-08-11 07:24:40 +0000 UTC; Views: 286; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 3
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Description
If you thought that spitting in my face was going to stop me,you're absolutely right.
You put me down in your own subtle way. I wonder why.
You led me on, let me work harder, let me overdrive, and then
You tore down the bridge.
I fell off the cliff because I blindly trusted you.
Even as I fell in my shocked heart I could not bring myself to hate
Instead I seethed because I did not trust the value of me
I tried to do the right thing even as you crucified me.
Not a dose of vengeance was conceived in me for over a fortnight.
And then you kicked me when I fell off the stake
Then you laughed with your cohorts and divided what was mine.
Again you subtly needed to make certain my defeat.
And as the bullets tore through me, I finally gave up.
I gave up waiting for miracles.
I gave up looking to others to measure my worth.
I gave up caring about you.
You stopped me from acknowledging your humanity.
From now on you are nothing but a beast.
I will detatch and focus.
Thank you for that.
The bloody bullets have now fallen out of me resounding on the floor.
I will walk away smiling. I have lost the fight.
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Comments: 6
*hugs Matty*
Yeah I had a feeling this wasn't too clean here. I've actually done better in the past and was experimenting in moving away from the usual structure. I try not to do too much rhyming though. I have to get that old notebook out...
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That's a very passionate piece of work. From what I've seen, it doesn't matter how a poem has structure or stanza. It's whether it has impact. This has impact.
Some of the wording in it, what it means, appears to be intentionally having a certain meaning, as if you meant this for someone in particular, and only they could see the true thoughts and motives behind it.
^ Gah, that's hard to explain.
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Creating an impact or emotional response is the basics of what a poem is. The author has that down pretty well, like you said. But, following a structure, using words in such a way that does more than just impact on the surface, but blends together in something that is not just beautiful, but sounds beautiful. The message this author tried to get across is clear, but it's like it's a music composition with a lot of clashing notes, it doesn't meld together quite right. If he/she can get this down, then that shows mastery and professionalism, which stands out because to attain that level is difficult. People appreciate pieces of art and writing that seems extraordinary, which is why I stress more "technical" aspects to the critique rather than it's meaning.
Not saying the poem wasn't good. Just as I've heard technically bad music doesn't mean I didn't like it. So while, this poem does things "technically" wrong, it's still a decent start.
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I guess so. You seem to have a lot of knowledge about how the whole poem structure stuff, so I'll take your word for it.
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It's a very simply topic that I'm sure everyone can relate to.
A poem is really different from normal prose. A poem needs some kind of strict structure that it follows, otherwise it feels like a large wall of words that are just floating around randomly. This means that every word must be chosen carefully and if it doesn't add to the poem, it detracts.
Stanza one has a good start. It has some kind of free verse structure, establishes an emotion, and even uses an imagery which would first appear to be the theme of the poem.
The second stanza is kind of a mess. You abandon all the structure and imagery established in the first stanza and that kinda throws everything off. Also, the word you choose don't feel right. For example, crucify invokes religious emotions and images of martyrdom... even if you meant to use it in it's literal state, that's not what poetry is about. Fortnight also sounds...awkward...probably because it wasn't really used in a place where such a unique word could be exclusively used, do you get me? Any "time" word could have been used, so using such a word loses a lot of it's value. Cohorts is also another word that doesn't seem to have much value and the word "subtly" doesn't make any sense as it seems the narrator is getting defeated pretty explicitly. Bullets also comes out of a left field...doesn't fit with anything established already.
Stanza three follows some new structure, not bad, but again, a little random. It also has what seems like three random phrases put together. I think if stanza two followed similar structure to stanza one, then it this part wouldn't have seemed so off.
Again, more things in stanza four seem like smaller ideas instead of a centralized theme. The humanity and beast line are good, but make no sense in this poem. The bullets connect to stanza two nicely, but it would have been nicer if that imagery was used in stanza one. The last line was perfect though...
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Thank you so much for your time. I'll definitely keep that in mind when I write or edit my next poem.
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