HOME | DD

OxymoronicRedundancy — Guilty Pleasure
Published: 2011-06-15 17:43:01 +0000 UTC; Views: 713; Favourites: 10; Downloads: 4
Redirect to original
Description John has taken over the lab for his movie night and you have excused yourself in the subtlest way possible. As much as you care about John and hate to disappoint him, you don't think you can handle another night of sitting next to him on the couch while everyone pretends not to be watching you both for any sign of physical affection. You certainly can't handle another night of sitting with your hands clasped in your respective laps while you watch the silhouette of the other Hero of Light oh-so-casually draping her arm around Kanaya.

If you confessed to Dave, he might appreciate the irony of you being unable to catch the Sylph. He might be amused that it was the Thief of your element who won her in the end.

But of course you will not confess to Dave. You are Rose Lalonde and you do not Talk About Feelings with anyone, let alone with Dave Strider.

You do not need to deal with Feelings tonight, though. Tonight you have locked yourself in your room with your laptop and an alchemized jar of chocolate-covered peanuts. You snuggle into your pile of pillows and open your laptop. The yarn cozy is familiar and reassuring against your fingers.

It's not without a certain sheepishness that you pirated the movie you plan to watch tonight. Normally you seek out more esoteric and complex films, where the characters' minds are always left in doubt. That your mother hates such movies is only a bonus.

But dammit, you just don't feel like thinking tonight. You want an easy-to-follow, sweeping storyline, a straightforward tale of tortured loves with a high body count. You are looking for dramatic chiaroscuro and obvious color symbolism. You crave Johnny Depp being all handsome and brooding.

A smile creeps its way across your face as he watches London appear over the bow of his ship, and you pop one of the candied peanuts into your mouth. God you love this movie.

--

You have barely begun when there is a knock on your door. You glance up with only slight irritation.

"Yes?"

The door cracks. It's the angry one. Karkat.

"Rose human. What's your problem?"

"Problem?"

"Good job, you can parrot simple speech. Yes, your PROBLEM. John is flipping his shit over you missing his stupid movie night."

"I'm fine, Karkat, thank you." You're trying not to be as dismissive as you feel. "I'm a bit tired tonight, but I'm quite alright."

"Come on, if I have to put up with these stupid Earth movies, everyone else is sure as fuck going to."

You don't move.

You continue to not move as he crosses the room to slouch against your wall.

"What is this hoofbeastshit you're watching anyway?"

You give him a flicker of a look, loaded with artfully restrained impatience. "It's...a musical. That probably doesn't mean anything to you."

"Wh--are you telling me that humans not only make these fucking awful excuses for movies, but then make them even more unrelentingly dire by--"

You jab one finger into the air indignantly. Amazingly, that seems to derail him from his rant.

"Who's the pink monkey? That's how you sick fucks pupate or something, right?"

"Yes, now please either go back to the movie or be quiet." That was blunter than you intended, but the subtle approach doesn't seem to work on Karkat.

He shuts up, though, and continues to watch over your shoulder with yellow eyes narrowed. He seems to be preparing for a biting comment that never comes.

You think you catch a smirk when Sweeney spits out his first bite of pie. Not that you're watching him, obviously.

By the end of "My Friends," he's letting himself slip down the wall and into your pillow pile.

--

His next comment is, "I thought you fuckasses didn't HAVE black romance."

"Normally we don't conceive of it like your culture does, but just look at that. I told Dave that scene was totally eroticized and he thought I was just 'seeing homo everywhere I looked'." You say before you can stop yourself.  Oops, where did that come from?

"Dave wouldn't recognize a corpruescnet relationship unless the two parties were actually filling a bucket in front of him." Karkat snorts. You can't help but smirk yourself, because he's got him pegged.

--

By the end of the movie, you have given Karkat the cliffs notes on wardship, traveling con men, underage drinking, police, unhappy marriages and insane asylums, and he has eaten at least half of your peanuts. You both curl your hands into fists in unison as Sweeney finally plunges his knife into the judge's throat, and spend the last few minutes of the movie riveted to Johnny Depp's tortured beauty. You let out identical breaths as he slumps forward with his neck slit.

The red pool spreads out below Sweeney and his unfortunate wife, and Karkat blinks several times, hard, as the credits roll. You're pretty sure you hear him sniffle, but you can't resist getting in a little dig at him.

"You've reevaluated your view of Earth cinema, I take it."

"Shut up," he takes a steadying gulp of air. "Anyway, your culture is fucking absurd. Look at all those people who worked on those ridiculous costumes," He refers to the list of names scrolling by on the screen. "It's a good thing your planet was doomed, you obviously had nothing worthwhile to use your resources on anyway."

You refuse to take his bait, opting instead to smile and stretch your arms over your head.

"Well, I for one found this little movie night to be an interesting insight into troll culture. It hadn't occurred to me to examine this movie as revolving around a blackrom romance." You flop back onto the pile of pillows, basking in the catharsis.

"Yeah, well, I'm sure a lot of things hadn't occurred to you, or to humans as a culture for that matter. Like a blackrom with some fucking nuance. Or just taking your head out of your collective nook in general." He meets your eyes, and despite his tone, you don't see any real malice in them.

"Perhaps you should introduce me to one of your no doubt superior screenplays at some point." You challenge noncommittally.

He promises you nothing, and lies back on the pillows beside you.

"Well, we've got a fucking pile," he says resignedly, "so who were you trying to avoid?"

"Please. I wasn't trying to avoid anyone." You say dismissively. You are Rose Lalonde and you do not Talk About Feelings, especially not with grumpy troll boys.

"Yeah, and Eridan wasn't trying to get in anyone's pants. It was Vriska and Kanaya, wasn't it? You're pissed because your flush-crush dropped you for the biggest bitch in paradox space."

Oh, he's good. "I never assumed that Kanaya's interest in me was anything but platonic," you lie smoothly. "Pale, as you say."

"Great," he deadpans, "fan-fucking-tastic. Explains why you and Egbert have been all over each other. Except that, brace yourselves for this plot twist, you're not."

"My sincerest apologies, Karkat. Obviously if you find that I ought to be paired with John, I shall immediately seek out my childhood friend and commence with the steamy, passionate sex."

"Give me a break. You know you don't have to do whatever horrific equivalent of pail-filling you do with him by TOMORROW, but at least fucking touch him sometime. Hold his gog damn hand or something, it's not a difficult fucking task."

"You'd think so, wouldn't you? And yet..." You put your hand gently down an inch or two from his, palm up. His eyebrows shoot up and he stares at it, then back at you. He doesn't move an inch.

"What, Karkat?" You say quietly. "It's not a difficult fucking task." You stare him down.

After what seems like forever but is probably less than a minute, he sits up and you think, You cannot hope to beat Rose Lalonde in a taunt-off, she is simply–and then he's sitting over you, cradling your hand in both his own. You have a sudden, vivid image of the Prince standing over Snow White's coffin, reverent and gentle. His fingers are dry and warm and the texture of snakeskin.

He brings your hand to his mouth and kisses it gently.

Yes, that definitely just happened. Of course you're not blushing madly, that would be a ridiculous overreaction to this situation, because he's obviously just trying to get a rise out of you. You know it's not anything else. It couldn't possibly be.

...Right?

You are indifferent, you are indifferent, you are indifferent, you are oh God now your hand is resting gently on his jawline and how did this suddenly become the most romantic moment of all of your short fourteen years?

He leans in slightly, and you can hear your heart pounding in your ears, and he says,

"Not. A difficult. Task."

and stands up in one fluid movement.

"Now get over yourself a little for next time, okay? Jegus." He heads for the door.

"Very well played indeed, Karkat," You tell him, propping yourself up on your elbows. "I'm sure even John is in awe of your Prankster's Gambit at this particular point in time."

"Stuff it, Lalonde." He growls, and exits stage right. He doesn't bother to hide the triumphant grin on his face, though, and you seethe.

You sit up properly and run your fingers through your hair quickly while you listen to his footsteps fade. When you're sure he's gone, you execute a perfect 2x Facepalm Combo.

Dammit. He got you good this time, Lalonde.

This time, you promise yourself, but not next time. He'll be back.
Related content
Comments: 19

Midges [2012-06-26 20:42:34 +0000 UTC]

I can honestly see this happening. I kind of love this pairing now. This is the only story I've read of it though.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Cleversifier [2012-01-19 05:14:35 +0000 UTC]

I kept thinking it would be interesting to write about some blackrom, but had to get a better feel for it first- so I've been browsing dA for what other people have written on it, for reference.

This is the best example I've seen so far. Well done.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Skye-Rhyder [2012-01-01 20:09:33 +0000 UTC]

What movie is she watching?

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

OxymoronicRedundancy In reply to Skye-Rhyder [2013-04-15 14:57:46 +0000 UTC]

(oh man sorry this is so late) Tim Burton's Sweeney Todd! I figured it would be grim and ~artsy~ enough for Rose to get a kick out of it, and Karkat would stick around for the melodrama and the Sweeney<3👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Skye-Rhyder In reply to OxymoronicRedundancy [2013-04-15 19:59:36 +0000 UTC]

Heh, I've not seen that version, only the play.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

AnterieRosetta [2011-06-16 18:47:10 +0000 UTC]

Ooohhhhh you are good. One even crackier pairing story coming right up. *cracks knuckles*

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

OxymoronicRedundancy In reply to AnterieRosetta [2011-06-16 20:13:50 +0000 UTC]

Oh that's how it's gonna be huh.

come at me bro

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

luckystar2613 [2011-06-16 03:32:00 +0000 UTC]

That. Was. AWESOME 0_0

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

HexKugra [2011-06-15 20:59:06 +0000 UTC]

i love your masterfully done story, i wish there were more like this extraordinary story

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

TheUltamate [2011-06-15 19:17:31 +0000 UTC]

And I thought I had the crackship category mastered with Kanaya/Equius.
BUT THIS.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

OxymoronicRedundancy In reply to TheUltamate [2011-06-16 13:37:01 +0000 UTC]

Kanaya/Equius, huh? I am amused...and intrigued.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

TheUltamate In reply to OxymoronicRedundancy [2011-06-22 01:30:29 +0000 UTC]

Oh my goodness are you going to write it
If you do you will be the very best.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

sbdrag [2011-06-15 19:06:56 +0000 UTC]

omg i love it XD

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

theMoporter [2011-06-15 18:05:37 +0000 UTC]

BAST CRACKSHIP EVER. Double reach-around much?

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

OxymoronicRedundancy In reply to theMoporter [2011-06-15 18:55:40 +0000 UTC]

Yepppp.

It's like gay chicken but with more SPITE.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

theMoporter In reply to OxymoronicRedundancy [2011-06-15 19:48:11 +0000 UTC]

Seriously though, this is my second favourite pairing after Fefska :3

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Frijherrine [2011-06-15 17:58:09 +0000 UTC]

Oh my gosh, this is amazing.
I have no words. ; v ;

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

OxymoronicRedundancy In reply to Frijherrine [2011-06-15 18:05:09 +0000 UTC]

Aww thank you! ^.^

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Frijherrine In reply to OxymoronicRedundancy [2011-06-18 23:53:41 +0000 UTC]

no problem, bro!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0