platinummyr [2010-07-20 15:52:57 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact

Up until "I'm in a bit of a bind financially" I really liked this. I think that would have been a very good end.

I also really like the end two lines. But I think the poem would work better without

"I'm in a bit of a bind financially
.
.
.
just to save my smile"

It's just a sudden jerk into a very different imagery, that I find distracting to the overall feel of the piece.

It's possible you could fix that portion with a rewording or something? I do like the imagery "I always try to put it back and wonder if I should get braces just to save my smile" But it doesn't seem to fit here.

The last two lines are very good though. And the introduction is absolutely stunning. I think you did a good job on this piece.

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Nightstar-27 [2010-08-08 16:38:25 +0000 UTC]

I like the piece very much but tbh I can;t relate to the losing teeth part very much

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platinummyr [2010-07-29 20:01:29 +0000 UTC]

Much better <3

(I wish dA had a revision policy for writing so you could see what changed with edits)

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londonrey [2010-07-28 16:04:16 +0000 UTC]

I reallyreally like this one. It smells like aprehension and maybe a little bit of lust.

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The-World-Is-Bored [2010-07-20 19:12:53 +0000 UTC]

Wicked Wording!

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mychem-totheend [2010-07-20 14:17:47 +0000 UTC]

Beautiful:
"Kisses slip from my wrists
through my fingers."

Great imagery. ^_^ Keep writing.

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xxice [2010-07-20 12:55:15 +0000 UTC]

this is amazing!

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highpowerz12 [2010-07-19 18:31:42 +0000 UTC]

That was FANTASTIC.

It reminded me of my girlfriend who went on a date with me. She said she expected me to pay so she didn't bring her money (I may have told her I would...I can't remember I was pretty drunk), but I didn't really HAVE money because I spent it all on vodka for me. She said she could smell it on my breath when I picked her up on my Vespa. She said I could still get a DUI, but I told her to shut the fuck up.

I also bit the waiter (Which I admit was my bad) for hitting on her. I yelled "SHE'S MINE, ASSHAT!"

Well, at the end of the night, my girlfriend said she'd rather walk the 5 miles back home than be anywhere around me. I asked if she would go on a second date and she kind of backed away slowly and left.

She never said we broke up so I guess we are still dating.

But anyways, your poem was SO GOOOOD.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1