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Panmiro — Bless Me
Published: 2011-04-03 03:24:00 +0000 UTC; Views: 251; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 2
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Description
Father bless me for I have foundthat the earth's as flat as my soul
that the sky is blue and it resounds
with echoes quiet and cold
It's empty here, and I confess
that I'm a little scared
to ask that you try to redress
the life that I have bared
I trapped myself in long drawn dusk
and wrapped myself in a secret
It's heavy and I know I must
now turn to you to keep it
Father bless me, 'cause everything's wrong
When love's but a drawn out sigh,
And changeable truth is not a gong
As much as a trade to ply
The poor are poorer, the richer rich
and we squabble like old magpies
and art's become a sales pitch
while the true artist's out serving fries
The earth is flat, and so's my soul,
In fact, you can see right through.
It's old and worn , it's got a hole
But it's not nearly as holy as you
So let me let my demons out
Confess my lack of sin
Uncage myself from fear and doubt
And run free with the wind
I thank you now for listening
As I get this off my chest
So I can pass my demons on,
to you before I rest.
Comments: 13
very nice. I enjoy the whole confessional vibe going on there.
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Thank you, the idea isn't entirely original, but I liked it.
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Thanks for the suggestions. I'll think them through. But, I probably won't do anything for now.
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the meter is good, there are maybe 3 spots that there should be more words to keep it flowing, other than that, brilliant. i disagree with the person who said stick to iamb pent or some shit.
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Why thank you, that's exactly what I was going to do. Could you possibly point out the sticky parts?
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Thank you. Meaning that I should work with the other strophes until they shine, no?
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If you want to look at it that way, then sure. I'm not personally worried, anything is worth a few moments of brilliance.
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That gives me something to think about. Thank you
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The biggest thing I can suggest for an edit is to pick a meter, such as iambic pentameter, and stick to it. Don't think it has to be in iambs or pentameter, but pick a uniform style. I think it would help the flow of this, as the rhyme scheme gives it a sing songy feel, but sometimes the lines don't match up, and I stumble over the missing space.
Other than that though, good work.
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Thank you. I could definitely do that, right now the beginning is loosely centered around iambic quatrimeter, the second line is alternating iambic quatrimeter and trimeter, and it continues into greater meters as the subject gets more worked up, only shortening towards the end. I suppose I thought that it would give it a nice crescendo feel, but perhaps I should be more mathematical about said crescendo and keep to a certain pattern in each stanza instead of mixing them up towards the middle.
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