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Panmiro — Echolocation
Published: 2011-03-04 23:27:25 +0000 UTC; Views: 374; Favourites: 11; Downloads: 4
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Description We navigate by echolocation,
bouncing words off others' tongues
and find our way by reverberation
concentrated and unstrung

Cartographers within the silence
mapping souls with sonar beams
Illumination brings no triumphs
'cause it's obtained by splitting seams

Who, after all, wants a spotlight on their soul?
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Comments: 14

Dis-Finite [2011-07-17 19:55:12 +0000 UTC]

Great work. Flows wonderfully, and the words you've chosen suit it perfectly. Well done!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Panmiro In reply to Dis-Finite [2011-07-20 00:57:56 +0000 UTC]

Thank you

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Dis-Finite In reply to Panmiro [2011-07-20 01:08:02 +0000 UTC]

No problem

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nothingtotalkabout [2011-03-31 18:48:45 +0000 UTC]

This is really lovely, and it didn't seem abrupt to me at all. :]

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Panmiro In reply to nothingtotalkabout [2011-03-31 19:00:02 +0000 UTC]

Thanks I'm glad it doesn't. My fears are allayed.

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04belgarion2k7 [2011-03-31 18:34:43 +0000 UTC]

Beautifully written! Very good job

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Panmiro In reply to 04belgarion2k7 [2011-03-31 18:38:46 +0000 UTC]

Thank you I think I'm going to try to write more poetry of about this length. It's poignant, and not nearly as abrupt as I thought it might be.

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04belgarion2k7 In reply to Panmiro [2011-03-31 19:52:16 +0000 UTC]

And it gets a point across, often in a more subtle way than a longer poem would. And it's easier to read You should go for it.

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Panmiro In reply to 04belgarion2k7 [2011-04-01 02:41:13 +0000 UTC]

I think I will. Thank You

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Fayyde [2011-03-21 03:47:58 +0000 UTC]

I loved the flow on this pan, the flowing rhyme made me smile and it was very clever the way you used echolocation. you managed to synthesize some rather complex thoughts it seems.

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Panmiro In reply to Fayyde [2011-03-21 03:58:59 +0000 UTC]

Why thanks friend. I often think it's a little abrupt at the end, but I also think the metered rhyme getting there is worth it. I'm glad too that I synthesized some complex thoughts with my little metaphor

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Fayyde In reply to Panmiro [2011-03-21 04:04:50 +0000 UTC]

I'd be lying if I said that I thought that too for a moment, like if you gave it a 4-4-2 type thing but then i reread it and I think it would be less.... [positive adjective not available at this time]

>_<

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Panmiro In reply to Fayyde [2011-03-22 03:50:41 +0000 UTC]

Abrupt has its uses. Maybe if I just use one hundred elipses, or make the last line fade in a second after you've finished the first two lines. It would sound better in a poetry reading I think, when you have time to milk the pause and make the pronounce the last line longer than all the others.

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Fayyde In reply to Panmiro [2011-03-22 06:52:54 +0000 UTC]

again, agreed.

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