Comments: 9
QuiEstInLiteris [2012-06-20 22:18:37 +0000 UTC]
Once more, jumping right in.
In the first several paragraphs, you've got a whole lot of repetiton of the word "noble" in various forms. Unless that's the actual cultural title for the whole class, you might look into some synonyms. Aristocrats, maybe. Gentry, high-born, patrician, lady, lord, blue-blood.
That said, I absolutely love the cultural tidbits you've thrown in here. Sandskat, Dirtspeak, the fact that apparently magic stains your hair... Fab. It does a great job of setting the stage and giving a feel for this world you've created. Linguistic elitism fascinates me, especially. Coming from the American South, I'm very familiar with the powerful negative stereotypes that come with dialect, and I like how you've taken it to the next level with this sort of linguistic pollution concept.
In paragraph thirteen, you allude to freedom and servants not having it. It might just be word choice, and it's entirely up to you, but that sounds more like slavery, to me, especially with servants wearing numbers.
Paragraph 20: Forensics team? I don't know much about this world yet, but that reference seems out of place.
Paragraph 27: Just a heads-up, Belfast is the capital of Ireland. Not very desert-y.
It's so exciting and stuff! And exotic! And I love this world!
You do introduce a lot of characters in this chapter, and it was a bit hard to keep track of names. Maybe if you spaced it out a bit? I think Gwen could certainly use a bit more attention.
Keep going!
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lasttofollowwar [2012-06-06 00:22:40 +0000 UTC]
i would of got neer a candle or the like, then when the guy got neer toasted him, them blame it on the alcohol fumes catching light from the candle (their drunk, their libel to believe a lot) , i like the noble girl, i like anyone that has power, and does not think it makes them the only ones worth giving a dam about, the worth of money is determined by the worth of the person holding it, not the other way around. (hay, that sounded pretty good, i have to remember to wright that one down)
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Panthershade In reply to cannibaldad [2012-06-04 21:07:52 +0000 UTC]
Thank you!!
Nah, that would have been horrible because he would have been hung, and the story wouldn't be as good without him....
That man deserves a reward for actually getting Axle mad enough to fight back.
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DinoAttackVic [2012-06-04 01:59:58 +0000 UTC]
I'm glad I read it again or I wouldn't have gotten to read Axle's scene with the nobles! xD
I love Skye, even when I think he's dead xD
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