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Parcilav — Goodbye! (for real)
Published: 2019-06-11 20:28:52 +0000 UTC; Views: 137; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 0
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So, after the long days, even weeks I've decided to leave Deviant Art for some time...Don't worry! I'm sure I'll be back sooner or after but the truth is...
Since recent events which has been happening to me I've realised that I had started to have issues with myself. My therapy sucks, my psychiatrist suck, basically the doctor put me on meds which had no good for me. Some people may have known that I had been struggling with schizophrenia this whole time. The deal is that... my desire of becoming an artist has faded and the goal doesn't seem to be visible. Back in the old days when I had pure aspirations, I've worked really hard on achieving my goal, but now... something has changed. I still hadn't figured it out but definitey my journey has started to collapse. With lots on my mind, such as bad meds, therapy, illness, life... I can't call myself an artist anymore. This on the other hand it puts me in a very bad mood...
The situation im in rn is not easy, it has never been easy. On that aside, my feelings left me devastated and I'm aware I need professional help such as hospital. I need to rehab, I need to know what the issue is, I need to fufill the empty space in my heart, I need to feel okay, I need to battle myself every day.. but I can't take it anymore.
My situation from the very young ages has been "corrupted". See, I also battle with alopecia my entire life. People were bullying me and I, terrified of people at that point started to expres my feelings through art. Yes, art. The feeling of safe while drawing vanished as soon as schizophrenia entered my life.
I'm so sorry for everyone supporting me throughout this whole time, but I NEED to take a serious break from drawing. With that being said, I'm sorry again. I'll try to change, to be the person I've always wanted to be.
I'm sorry for being me.
I'm sorry for failing everybody.
I'm sorry for many things.
Forgive me.
.
.
.
Why can't it be perfect?
.
.
.
Goodbye.
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Comments: 2
It's sad to read all the problems that plagues you.
And you have my greatest sympathy, sweety! But let's get one thing straight: Never EVER apologize for being YOU! You are one of a kind, and the only "model" built, currently operating in this world; in this entire UNIVERSE! Yes, there're billions of humans.. but none like you. Besides, in the whole endless Universe, a few billion humans is not much and nothing but a miracle, compared to the endlessly large SPACE. (How cool isn't that..?) So look how magnificent you truly are! No one can replace you, how you think, how you create, your art, the good sides of you as well as the bad sides that makes you YOU. Your thoughts, your soul is what makes you interesting.
I actually happen to like YOU. And I don't say that to many people..
For what it's worth, I can surely relate to you. I've been in a dark place too..
I don't want to get into private stuff in an open comment section such as this, but if we could ever message privately, I'd be happy to share and what has helped me.
With my horribly written text meant to uplift you, so poorly expressed on top of it, because I'm terrible at that (I might've just insulted you or you wont even read this... ):
—Don't worry about feeling like a failure (another thing I relate to). You haven't failed me, as long as you keep breathing and try to work through your problems. One step at the time!
I'd love to help you on your way with some of that and maybe share some thoughts on what has helped me, literally saved my life.
I see your pain, suffering, in your words and in your art. Hearing about your health problems... my heart goes out to you! But I believe your problems are not just physical or mental.. I think what you might need is "something higher and greater" to repair you from within and other stuff I wont get into now. You seem like you need some soul searching. It might help you too..
Lastly, don't draw for a while if it makes you happier.
Or just draw for yourself, but don't share it if that's too much. I've had periods where I don't share, uhm.. like now. I don't share any art at all.
But I draw every day, just for myself. Until I feel ready to share it with the world again..
Don't do it to try to please others.
Hope I'll talk to you soon, love.
(P.S. Nothing is perfect. You'd be surprised how many people feel horrible inside too. In a way, that's the beauty of it... Most artists knows this! But it's what drives us to create. The pain, suffering in the world drives so many creative minds.. )
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thats so sad to hear :c im glad i went online today and saw this... man i wish you all the best and hope you get the help you need, friend! <3 i hope i can catch you on other social media to stay in touch :> and dont worry you havent let anyone down, health comes first and you're doing the one right thing <3<3 stay awesome
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