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Description
FINAL ACT: Madagascar Returns

Characters:
Joanna
Henry
Arthur Blob
Dr. Postafrasen
Porky
Kombi Van
Rodger
Kate Abiscuit
Sarah Ringading
Mary Mittens
Elizabeth Smith

We see a desert island. There is a plane wreck and Joanna and Henry are sleeping on the sand. There is a man standing in front, holding a microphone.

ARTHUR Hello, boys and girls. I am Arthur Blob, the narrator. For the most of this play, I was locked in my dressing room but luckily I’m here now to explain this very interesting and cleverly thought out situation. Now, I admit, the plot has been going down hill. But the writer got lazy. Anyway, here we are on a deserted island, just off the north-west coast of Madagascar. The plane has crashed. I bet you never saw that coming. (Joanna sits up.)
JOANNA I didn’t.
HENRY I did. But that’s because it was the only logical way to develop the plot.
ARTHUR True. But considering the rest of the storyline, anything could have happened.
HENRY Just get on with it. I can’t squat like this forever.
ARTHUR Anyway. Here we are. The plane has crashed. It was attacked in the middle of the air by none other than the giant ponies, who, as soon as they heard the three dimensional dinosaurs had gone, came flying back.
JOANNA I don’t understand. What is there left to do. All we have to do get home. How could that possibly continue the plot?
ARTHUR You know, I have had just about enough of you two talking to me. I’m the narrator. I’m supposed to share a special relationship with the audience, and you are not meant to see or hear me. So either shut up, or leave stage. And, to answer your last question, there is more to it than I have already said. If you would just let me continue then maybe we can all enjoy ourselves.
JOANNA Sorry… (Arthur looks at Joanna scathingly.)
ARTHUR Back to business, a ship is coming to save Joanna and Henry right now. Then, they will be taken back to Madagascar to complete their quest.

At the harbour, Dr. Postafrasen greets Joanna and Henry from the speedboat.

HENRY Dr. Postafrasen! I thought you were dead.
DOCTOR What ever gave you that idea? I’ve been watching over you since Rodger stole all your money, gave you the false Great Pistol of Ramses and ran away. I’m the reason you’re not dead…yet.
JOANNA That’s lucky. I guess you can thank us then, right?
PORKY Kneeees up mother brrrrown. Where is theeee bus stop?
HENRY Who’s he?
DOCTOR I found him in the jungles. I named him Porky when I decided to catch him.
JOANNA Sounds like a dog’s name.
DOCTOR Well, when Rodger brought you to me, I was considering naming you two. It was going to be your name, but you already had one.
JOANNA Didn’t he already have one?
DOCTOR He was rather fond of saying Tarzan, but I couldn’t call him that because of copyright.
HENRY Makes sense… But, what on earth is he doing?
DOCTOR Well, he couldn’t speak very good. And my lessons wasn’t helping good. So I give him a tape player to teaching him to speech good and leant well grammar… well.
HENRY We get the idea. You don’t have to pretend to have bad grammar just to avoid all the hard work involved when teaching a foreigner how to speak English.
JOANNA That was very profound. You’re not the man I fell in love with! (She begins to sob hysterically)
DOCTOR Who said I was pretending. Every now and then I have relapses where my brain malfunctions causing me to spell incorrectly, use bad grammar or even forget how nice banana and chutney sandwiches really are.
HENRY Good god, you poor soul! How could anyone possibly live like that?
DOCTOR If you call it living…
HENRY Do you get disability benefits?
DOCTOR No. They said it had to be crippling.
HENRY What’s not crippled about disliking banana and chutney sandwiches?
DOCTOR I know. Besides, I can’t be bothered teaching him anyway.
PORKY How now brrrrown cow. The rain in Spain falls mainly on the aeroplane.
DOCTOR By George she’s got it. I think she’s got it. (Said with English accent)
JOANNA Henry, I’m afraid I don’t’ love you anymore. If we are going to be married, you must stop this now. You were never one to use big words. I just don’t know you anymore. What has happened to our relationship? (Arthur enters again.)
ARTHUR Hello. You already know me so I’m just going to skip the next few lines of the script. This is where Joanna and Henry ‘break up’. However, because this scene is very boring I thought I’d replace it with a critique and an evaluation of the quality so far. First of all, I’ve noticed that there have been five male characters and yet only one female. So at this point I’d like to bring in four more just too even it out a bit. (Four more women enter.) This is Kate Abiscuit. She is a spy for some international organisation that would prefer to remain nameless for obvious reasons.
KATE Hello.
ARTHUR No, you’re not allowed to speak. That goes for all of you! Any way, next is Sarah Ringading. She doesn’t have a job and her friends and family are dead. So, as far as anyone is concerned she doesn’t really exist. Over here is Mary Mittens, she works in Ethiopia as part of a work group to cover up the existence of homeless and hungry people, to make the world seem like a better place. Their motto is ‘If I can’t hear you then you’re not complaining.’ And this is Elizabeth Smith. She isn’t actually one of the people I was going to bring, but Lisa broke her leg after coming out of a pub, stone drunk. Elizabeth however is our producer and unless I make her look good I’m not going to eat for a few weeks.
ELIZABETH I can’t take away your dog-food, Arthur.
ARTHUR Well, (He sighs.) Elizabeth Smith is 32. She is a very beautiful woman, who, at the age of 17, realized she wanted to yell at people professionally. However, unable to claim a job as a social worker, she decided she might like to be rich. So, Miss Smith wrote a play called ‘I Can’t Believe I Didn’t Get Cancer’, which was a true story. Without losing her confidence from her first failure, she wrote another play, this one called ‘When the War Didn’t Happen, But Probably Would Have Been Very Interesting If It Did’. Viewed by various producers just before a war did actually begin, Elizabeth Smith was an internationally recognised failure. Still undeterred, she wrote a televised documentary ‘Why I Hate This Country: Seventeen Ways to Commit Suicide by Candlelight.’ After the first eight seconds, it was cancelled. Now, her dreams crushed by reviewers, producers and other playwrights, Smith decided to become a producer herself. Because her dreams were never fulfilled, Elizabeth Smith decided to make sure no one else’s could be either. In fact, the only reason Escape to Madagascar made it to stage was because Smith was losing money. A producer can’t make money unless they produce, and until now, Elizabeth Smith had turned down each and every script she has seen. Twelve of which went on to make big money for the producers smart enough to take them. (He turns to Elizabeth, who circles her hands in a gesture to say wrap-it-up)
ELIZABETH Very good, Mr Blob. Well, I suppose I could have done better, but there’s no point in complaining now.
ARTHUR Uh… thank you… I think. Well, that ends this scene. I’m not quite sure where the play will resume but you’ll manage to work it out. I don’t think much could have possibly happened in that time.

The scene changes to the inside of a doctor’s surgery, Joanna and Henry wearing clown suits.

HENRY I can’t believe that we destroyed the Great Palace of the Giant Ponies, saved the lost maidens, defeated a dragon, befriended a Russian, and blew up the second death star. I sure hope no one missed that in all its technicolour glory. That was amazing.
JOANNA And most importantly, we got back together. Then broke up again.
HENRY Got back together again, then broke up… nine more times.
JOANNA Then we got married. Annulled… married again. Got divorced and then got back together.
HENRY And so we shall stay forever.

The story resumes at a hut, which is the same one said earlier to belong to Kombi.

DOCTOR Well, here we are. I should probably note that Henry and Joanna are no longer wearing clown suits. Why is that?
HENRY We were undercover, but that’s over now so there’s no point in continuing making fools of ourselves.
JOANNA I don’t see why. We have been since the start of the play. Well, at least you have, Henry, my sweet and sour chicken.
DOCTOR Yes, just look at his face. He really should put a bag over his head.
JOANNA And he smells, like an old man’s toupee.
DOCTOR The stench is often unbearable.
HENRY I don’t have to stand here and take this! (Henry leaves stage and returns with a chair. He sits down.) That’s better. Please… continue.
DOCTOR I…
HENRY Well, what else is wrong with me?
JOANNA Henry… there’s another person. (A guy in a suit walks in)
KOMBI Hello!
HENRY Kombi…? You look very different to the picture. Much… older.
KOMBI Yes, no one wants to support a thirty-year-old. (He walks over a kicks Henry in the shin.)
HENRY What was that for?
KOMBI You never sent me any money.
HENRY I sent you a dollar a week. How much more money should you need. You live in a hut. You don’t need to pay for water or electricity.
KOMBI All the others received thousands of dollars. They all live in mansions in Las Vegas. They all own casinos.
HENRY The travel guide said they were working as magicians.
KOMBI Of course it would say that. Otherwise their secret would have been revealed.
HENRY How could you do this?
KOMBI It’s a way of life. No one seems to complain about your way of life, or the cannibals, or the French. (Jean comes on stage)
JEAN I heard zat!
KOMBI Besides, everyone has been doing it for years. One of them has moved on to own some computer company. I don’t see how any one could really believe he made all that money himself. No one can get rich from selling dodgy Mexican software.
JEAN I’m sorry to interrupt but what on earth is going on? So far this act doesn’t seem to have a story line.
HENRY No, it doesn’t…

THE END (Note: This is the title of the song, not ‘the end’ of the play.)

Do you understand?
What is going on?
The story has gone down hill
And it’s all your fault…

How could you blame us,
For starring in a play?
That had no beginning or middle
And still no end today
How could you trust us,
To save you, my friend?
From the beginning or middle
Because it’s not The End
(The stage erupts into movement as the dancers make an entrance)

Unfortunately for you
This act is still going
The pain will stay forever
And it’s all your fault…

How could you blame us,
For starring in a play?
That had no beginning or middle
And still no end today
How could you trust us,
To save you, my friend?
From the beginning or middle
Because it’s not The End

The scene changes to an empty stage with no backdrop and only Arthur in on.

ARTHUR Well, here I am again. We couldn’t afford to act out this scene so I suppose I should just tell you what was going to happened. If you can just wait for a few more minutes then we can all go home and forget this ever happened. Well, some sort of giant pony priestess steals the Great Pistol of Ramses to bring back their long dead emperor. However, because it is replaced with Henry’s fake during the ritual, it explodes and everything in over. Well, now that’s done with, I’d like to talk to you about Elizabeth Smith. (She walks on.)
ELIZABETH Go on, Arthur, don’t be shy.
ARTHUR This, (He holds up a book.) is the autobiography by Elizabeth Smith. It’s called ‘I Never Knew I Was Such a Bitch.’
ELIZABETH The price is $18.95 at all good retailers. Or, it can be bought on CD for $29.99. DVDs of my life in its most crucial stages with be available soon. Thank you. (Elizabeth bows and leaves stage.)
ARTHUR Well, uh, here’s the second critique and the final thoughts of the play. And here’s Rodger to help us. (Rodger enters stage)
RODGER Hello. My first point is actually more of question. How come sometimes Jean manages to pronounce words without an accent and other times he seems to speak fluently. And not once did he speak actual French.
ARTHUR Various lines and ideas in this play were stolen from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, My Fair Lady and Star Wars. But at least, I can say, at no point through the play did anyone use any Matrix rip-offs. (There is a long pause. Every character walks on stage and stares at him intently.) What? You didn’t seriously think I was just going to throw some stolen line in there. I am above behaviour like that.
RODGER Well, I thought, overall ‘Escape to Madagascar’ wasn’t half bad. Frankly I’d rather watch it again than stab needles in my eyes.
ARTHUR I’d rather watch it again than listen to Brittany Spears sing. Yeah, I agree. It wasn’t great but I suppose I can’t complain. Well, you can all leave now. The play is over. (They all start to leave stage.)
HENRY I’m so hungry but can’t eat my yoghurt without a spoon. Where are they kept?
ARTHUR There is no spoon.
JOANNA I’ve got a headache, but I don’t know which tablets I’m not allergic to.
ARTHUR You can take the red one, or the blue one.
RODGER Ah… Arthur. Aren’t they both lines from the Matrix?
ARTHUR Shit… (Everyone leaves the stage.)

THE END

Description
FINAL ACT: Madagascar Returns

Characters:
Joanna
Henry
Arthur Blob
Dr. Postafrasen
Porky
Kombi Van
Rodger
Kate Abiscuit
Sarah Ringading
Mary Mittens
Elizabeth Smith

We see a desert island. There is a plane wreck and Joanna and Henry are sleeping on the sand. There is a man standing in front, holding a microphone.

ARTHUR Hello, boys and girls. I am Arthur Blob, the narrator. For the most of this play, I was locked in my dressing room but luckily I’m here now to explain this very interesting and cleverly thought out situation. Now, I admit, the plot has been going down hill. But the writer got lazy. Anyway, here we are on a deserted island, just off the north-west coast of Madagascar. The plane has crashed. I bet you never saw that coming. (Joanna sits up.)
JOANNA I didn’t.
HENRY I did. But that’s because it was the only logical way to develop the plot.
ARTHUR True. But considering the rest of the storyline, anything could have happened.
HENRY Just get on with it. I can’t squat like this forever.
ARTHUR Anyway. Here we are. The plane has crashed. It was attacked in the middle of the air by none other than the giant ponies, who, as soon as they heard the three dimensional dinosaurs had gone, came flying back.
JOANNA I don’t understand. What is there left to do. All we have to do get home. How could that possibly continue the plot?
ARTHUR You know, I have had just about enough of you two talking to me. I’m the narrator. I’m supposed to share a special relationship with the audience, and you are not meant to see or hear me. So either shut up, or leave stage. And, to answer your last question, there is more to it than I have already said. If you would just let me continue then maybe we can all enjoy ourselves.
JOANNA Sorry… (Arthur looks at Joanna scathingly.)
ARTHUR Back to business, a ship is coming to save Joanna and Henry right now. Then, they will be taken back to Madagascar to complete their quest.

At the harbour, Dr. Postafrasen greets Joanna and Henry from the speedboat.

HENRY Dr. Postafrasen! I thought you were dead.
DOCTOR What ever gave you that idea? I’ve been watching over you since Rodger stole all your money, gave you the false Great Pistol of Ramses and ran away. I’m the reason you’re not dead…yet.
JOANNA That’s lucky. I guess you can thank us then, right?
PORKY Kneeees up mother brrrrown. Where is theeee bus stop?
HENRY Who’s he?
DOCTOR I found him in the jungles. I named him Porky when I decided to catch him.
JOANNA Sounds like a dog’s name.
DOCTOR Well, when Rodger brought you to me, I was considering naming you two. It was going to be your name, but you already had one.
JOANNA Didn’t he already have one?
DOCTOR He was rather fond of saying Tarzan, but I couldn’t call him that because of copyright.
HENRY Makes sense… But, what on earth is he doing?
DOCTOR Well, he couldn’t speak very good. And my lessons wasn’t helping good. So I give him a tape player to teaching him to speech good and leant well grammar… well.
HENRY We get the idea. You don’t have to pretend to have bad grammar just to avoid all the hard work involved when teaching a foreigner how to speak English.
JOANNA That was very profound. You’re not the man I fell in love with! (She begins to sob hysterically)
DOCTOR Who said I was pretending. Every now and then I have relapses where my brain malfunctions causing me to spell incorrectly, use bad grammar or even forget how nice banana and chutney sandwiches really are.
HENRY Good god, you poor soul! How could anyone possibly live like that?
DOCTOR If you call it living…
HENRY Do you get disability benefits?
DOCTOR No. They said it had to be crippling.
HENRY What’s not crippled about disliking banana and chutney sandwiches?
DOCTOR I know. Besides, I can’t be bothered teaching him anyway.
PORKY How now brrrrown cow. The rain in Spain falls mainly on the aeroplane.
DOCTOR By George she’s got it. I think she’s got it. (Said with English accent)
JOANNA Henry, I’m afraid I don’t’ love you anymore. If we are going to be married, you must stop this now. You were never one to use big words. I just don’t know you anymore. What has happened to our relationship? (Arthur enters again.)
ARTHUR Hello. You already know me so I’m just going to skip the next few lines of the script. This is where Joanna and Henry ‘break up’. However, because this scene is very boring I thought I’d replace it with a critique and an evaluation of the quality so far. First of all, I’ve noticed that there have been five male characters and yet only one female. So at this point I’d like to bring in four more just too even it out a bit. (Four more women enter.) This is Kate Abiscuit. She is a spy for some international organisation that would prefer to remain nameless for obvious reasons.
KATE Hello.
ARTHUR No, you’re not allowed to speak. That goes for all of you! Any way, next is Sarah Ringading. She doesn’t have a job and her friends and family are dead. So, as far as anyone is concerned she doesn’t really exist. Over here is Mary Mittens, she works in Ethiopia as part of a work group to cover up the existence of homeless and hungry people, to make the world seem like a better place. Their motto is ‘If I can’t hear you then you’re not complaining.’ And this is Elizabeth Smith. She isn’t actually one of the people I was going to bring, but Lisa broke her leg after coming out of a pub, stone drunk. Elizabeth however is our producer and unless I make her look good I’m not going to eat for a few weeks.
ELIZABETH I can’t take away your dog-food, Arthur.
ARTHUR Well, (He sighs.) Elizabeth Smith is 32. She is a very beautiful woman, who, at the age of 17, realized she wanted to yell at people professionally. However, unable to claim a job as a social worker, she decided she might like to be rich. So, Miss Smith wrote a play called ‘I Can’t Believe I Didn’t Get Cancer’, which was a true story. Without losing her confidence from her first failure, she wrote another play, this one called ‘When the War Didn’t Happen, But Probably Would Have Been Very Interesting If It Did’. Viewed by various producers just before a war did actually begin, Elizabeth Smith was an internationally recognised failure. Still undeterred, she wrote a televised documentary ‘Why I Hate This Country: Seventeen Ways to Commit Suicide by Candlelight.’ After the first eight seconds, it was cancelled. Now, her dreams crushed by reviewers, producers and other playwrights, Smith decided to become a producer herself. Because her dreams were never fulfilled, Elizabeth Smith decided to make sure no one else’s could be either. In fact, the only reason Escape to Madagascar made it to stage was because Smith was losing money. A producer can’t make money unless they produce, and until now, Elizabeth Smith had turned down each and every script she has seen. Twelve of which went on to make big money for the producers smart enough to take them. (He turns to Elizabeth, who circles her hands in a gesture to say wrap-it-up)
ELIZABETH Very good, Mr Blob. Well, I suppose I could have done better, but there’s no point in complaining now.
ARTHUR Uh… thank you… I think. Well, that ends this scene. I’m not quite sure where the play will resume but you’ll manage to work it out. I don’t think much could have possibly happened in that time.

The scene changes to the inside of a doctor’s surgery, Joanna and Henry wearing clown suits.

HENRY I can’t believe that we destroyed the Great Palace of the Giant Ponies, saved the lost maidens, defeated a dragon, befriended a Russian, and blew up the second death star. I sure hope no one missed that in all its technicolour glory. That was amazing.
JOANNA And most importantly, we got back together. Then broke up again.
HENRY Got back together again, then broke up… nine more times.
JOANNA Then we got married. Annulled… married again. Got divorced and then got back together.
HENRY And so we shall stay forever.

The story resumes at a hut, which is the same one said earlier to belong to Kombi.

DOCTOR Well, here we are. I should probably note that Henry and Joanna are no longer wearing clown suits. Why is that?
HENRY We were undercover, but that’s over now so there’s no point in continuing making fools of ourselves.
JOANNA I don’t see why. We have been since the start of the play. Well, at least you have, Henry, my sweet and sour chicken.
DOCTOR Yes, just look at his face. He really should put a bag over his head.
JOANNA And he smells, like an old man’s toupee.
DOCTOR The stench is often unbearable.
HENRY I don’t have to stand here and take this! (Henry leaves stage and returns with a chair. He sits down.) That’s better. Please… continue.
DOCTOR I…
HENRY Well, what else is wrong with me?
JOANNA Henry… there’s another person. (A guy in a suit walks in)
KOMBI Hello!
HENRY Kombi…? You look very different to the picture. Much… older.
KOMBI Yes, no one wants to support a thirty-year-old. (He walks over a kicks Henry in the shin.)
HENRY What was that for?
KOMBI You never sent me any money.
HENRY I sent you a dollar a week. How much more money should you need. You live in a hut. You don’t need to pay for water or electricity.
KOMBI All the others received thousands of dollars. They all live in mansions in Las Vegas. They all own casinos.
HENRY The travel guide said they were working as magicians.
KOMBI Of course it would say that. Otherwise their secret would have been revealed.
HENRY How could you do this?
KOMBI It’s a way of life. No one seems to complain about your way of life, or the cannibals, or the French. (Jean comes on stage)
JEAN I heard zat!
KOMBI Besides, everyone has been doing it for years. One of them has moved on to own some computer company. I don’t see how any one could really believe he made all that money himself. No one can get rich from selling dodgy Mexican software.
JEAN I’m sorry to interrupt but what on earth is going on? So far this act doesn’t seem to have a story line.
HENRY No, it doesn’t…

THE END (Note: This is the title of the song, not ‘the end’ of the play.)

Do you understand?
What is going on?
The story has gone down hill
And it’s all your fault…

How could you blame us,
For starring in a play?
That had no beginning or middle
And still no end today
How could you trust us,
To save you, my friend?
From the beginning or middle
Because it’s not The End
(The stage erupts into movement as the dancers make an entrance)

Unfortunately for you
This act is still going
The pain will stay forever
And it’s all your fault…

How could you blame us,
For starring in a play?
That had no beginning or middle
And still no end today
How could you trust us,
To save you, my friend?
From the beginning or middle
Because it’s not The End

The scene changes to an empty stage with no backdrop and only Arthur in on.

ARTHUR Well, here I am again. We couldn’t afford to act out this scene so I suppose I should just tell you what was going to happened. If you can just wait for a few more minutes then we can all go home and forget this ever happened. Well, some sort of giant pony priestess steals the Great Pistol of Ramses to bring back their long dead emperor. However, because it is replaced with Henry’s fake during the ritual, it explodes and everything in over. Well, now that’s done with, I’d like to talk to you about Elizabeth Smith. (She walks on.)
ELIZABETH Go on, Arthur, don’t be shy.
ARTHUR This, (He holds up a book.) is the autobiography by Elizabeth Smith. It’s called ‘I Never Knew I Was Such a Bitch.’
ELIZABETH The price is $18.95 at all good retailers. Or, it can be bought on CD for $29.99. DVDs of my life in its most crucial stages with be available soon. Thank you. (Elizabeth bows and leaves stage.)
ARTHUR Well, uh, here’s the second critique and the final thoughts of the play. And here’s Rodger to help us. (Rodger enters stage)
RODGER Hello. My first point is actually more of question. How come sometimes Jean manages to pronounce words without an accent and other times he seems to speak fluently. And not once did he speak actual French.
ARTHUR Various lines and ideas in this play were stolen from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, My Fair Lady and Star Wars. But at least, I can say, at no point through the play did anyone use any Matrix rip-offs. (There is a long pause. Every character walks on stage and stares at him intently.) What? You didn’t seriously think I was just going to throw some stolen line in there. I am above behaviour like that.
RODGER Well, I thought, overall ‘Escape to Madagascar’ wasn’t half bad. Frankly I’d rather watch it again than stab needles in my eyes.
ARTHUR I’d rather watch it again than listen to Brittany Spears sing. Yeah, I agree. It wasn’t great but I suppose I can’t complain. Well, you can all leave now. The play is over. (They all start to leave stage.)
HENRY I’m so hungry but can’t eat my yoghurt without a spoon. Where are they kept?
ARTHUR There is no spoon.
JOANNA I’ve got a headache, but I don’t know which tablets I’m not allergic to.
ARTHUR You can take the red one, or the blue one.
RODGER Ah… Arthur. Aren’t they both lines from the Matrix?
ARTHUR Shit… (Everyone leaves the stage.)

THE END