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Description
The Conference

Dramatis Personae:

Wayne Blake—American Representative
Rosa Schnorr—German Representative
Paige Oates—American Host of Conference
Thanom Silliphant—Thai Host of Conference
Chen Hung—Chinese Representative
Yamada Yoshio—Japanese Representative
Stephan Leblanc—French Representative
Akins Kuti—Nigerian Representative
Lyudmila Beregovoi—Russian Representative
Giuseppe Amato—Italian Representative
Ahmed Khashoggi—Pakistani Representative
Luis Bocca—Argentine Representative
Jose Campora—Mexican Representative
Helena Papandreou—Greek Representative
Janitor—Thai Custodian

Setting:  A Convention Center in Bangkok, Thailand.

Scene 1:  A Conference Room.

(WAYNE comes in stage right clutching his briefcase, appearing rather nervous.)

WAYNE:  (talking to himself) They told us all we needed to do was keep in mind the culture… I wish they told us exactly what to keep in mind.  (As WAYNE taps his fingers, ROSA walks in and sits down in a seat at the table center stage.  WAYNE takes the seat next to her.)  (to ROSA) Uh… Hello.

ROSA:  Oh, hello, I’m Rosa Schnorr from the Deutsch Republic.

WAYNE:  Germany, Huh?  I’m Wayne Blake from the United States of America.  (WAYNE extends his hand to ROSA, who looks at it for a moment, confused.  WAYNE puts down his hand, disappointed.  ROSA extends hers out and they shake hands together.)

ROSA: (grins) Bitte (1). In Europe, the woman must always initiate the handshake if she has to shake with a man.

WAYNE:  Really?

ROSA:  Mmm.  It’s a pleasure to meet you, though.  You know, I’m surprised no one else has shown up yet.  (Looks at watch)  It’s already 9:30.  (PAIGE enters stage right and walks toward the table.)

PAIGE:  I would expect some of us to be a bit late.  (stops at the left end of the table, facing toward WAYNE and ROSA.)  You see, in Thailand, people don’t care if you may be ten minutes late for a meeting, so there’s no need to be extraordinarily punctual.  (She turns around and notices THANOM enterting from stage left.  They exchange a wai, the traditional Thai greeting, with PAIGE holding her hands as in prayer to her chest and THANOM to his chin.  THANOM takes PAIGE’S place as she shifts upstage left.  HUNG walks in as THANOM speaks.)

THANOM:  Hello, I’m glad to see you all here at the Fourth Annual Stoltmann-Kreloff Publishing Company International Business Conference in Bangkok, especially since most of you are newcomers to our family.  I’m Thanom Silliphant and I’m one of the associate managers of the Bangkok firm.  I would first of all like to congratulate you for being chosen by your local firm to represent your countries.  The Stoltmann-Kreloff Corporation believes that in order to continue to be as successful as we have had in the past, we need to spread out to new markets and become a global company not bound by any borders.  Over 100 countries are represented here, all hard-working and loyal members of the Stoltmann-Kreloff team.  Of course, not every country and office can fit in this little room, so we set about twenty rooms for everyone to hold their meetings.  Now in case you didn’t get the schedule, we will hold our conferences from 9:30 to eleven, have teamwork activites until twelve, then break for lunch, meet in the auditorium for the CEO’s speech at one, and hold a Thai Culture Festival at three.  We’ll let you go at five and you can explore the rest of Bangkok for yourself.  Even though we all aren’t here yet, why don’t we introduce ourselves a little?  You (to HUNG, who sits next to ROSA), stand up and tell me who you are.

HUNG:  (stands up slowly) My name is Chen Hung and I’m from the People’s Republic of China.  I work at the firm in Shanghai (gives a little bow).

THANOM:  Oh, and I want everyone to greet me the same way I greeted Paige-Khun here:  Place your hands together and put them near your chest, then give a nod.  We in Thailand call this a wai.  (HUNG and THANOM, exchange the wai.  As this is happening, YOSHIO runs in frantically from stage right, puts his briefcase on the table, and bows.)

YOSHIO:  Gomen Nasai (2)!  I am sorry I am late for this meeting.

PAIGE:  Don’t worry, just take a seat.  We’ve barely started.

WAYNE: (looks around at the empty remaining chairs) And there are plenty of others who still aren’t here.

YOSHIO: (still standing) The brochure said 9:30!

THANOM:  (to YOSHIO) Why don’t you introduce yourself next?  I’m Thanom Silliphant, and I’m one of the associate managers here.

YOSHIO:  I am Yamada Yoshio of the Stoltmann-Kreloff Publishing Corporation of Japan and I have just been hired to the offices in Osaka.  Dozo Yoroshiku Onegaishimasu (3).  (Gives a bow while THANOM gives a wai.  THANOM looks up, a bit confused.)

THANOM:  Err… Yoshio-Khun, just do as I do.  It’s rude not to return a wai.

YOSHIO:  (sighs, then returns the wai.  He sits down next to WAYNE.)  It’s rude not to return a bow—

THANOM:  Would the person next to Hung-Khun please stand up?  (ROSA stands)

ROSA:  I am Rosa Schnorr from Germany and I work as an editor at the firm in Hamburg.  (She then gives the wai to THANOM, who returns it.)

THANOM:  Thank you.  You may be seated, Rosa-Khun.

ROSA:  I would greatly prefer to be called Frau Schnorr.

THANOM:  (a little shocked, but still pleasant)  Well, “khun” is just our little term of respect in addressing people around here.  (ROSA sits back down) (to WAYNE) How about you, sir?

WAYNE:  (stands up) I’m Wayne Blake and I work in Los Angeles.  (gives the wai to THANOM and sits back down.  STEPHAN and AKINS come in stage right followed by LYUDMILA.)

THANOM:  (returning WAYNE’S wai) Good.  (to STEPHAN)  How about you, sir?

PAIGE: (hearing her cell phone ring) Wait! (picks it up) Hello, Paige Oates.  (sustained pause; THANOM continues to conduct the now-established ritual with STEPHAN.)  Now?  (short pause)  With Thanom and I?  (pause) But we’re in the middle of a meeting… (pause) Okay.  Bye.  (turns off here cell phone, turns to THANOM)  Thanom-Khun, the CEO wants us to talk to a few reporters.  Let’s pass out those forms now.

THANOM:  Not yet!  I have to introduce more people.

PAIGE:  Let them introduce themselves!  It’s their meeting.

THANOM:  Fine.  (He goes into his briefcase and passes out a small sheet of paper to each member, including ones just coming in:  GIUSEPPE, AHMED, and HELENA.  He leaves a few out on the table for those who have not yet shown up.)  Okay, everyone, I’m sorry to say that Paige and I have to go so… Wayne-Khun, you head the meeting.  On the back’s the agenda—

PAIGE:  We’re already late!

THANOM:  Uh—just give your presentations.  Good-bye!  (THANOM and PAIGE exit stage left.  LUIS and JOSE enter stage left as the two hosts leave, and take their seats in the remaining chairs.  The REPRESENTATIVES look at each other, and pick up the agenda and the business cards YOSHIO is passing out counter-clockwise from his seat, starting with WAYNE.  Of the members, only HUNG holds it correctly.)

ROSA:  (holding agenda in her right hand and the business card in her left, reading the card) Yoshio Yamada…

YOSHIO:  (standing next to her) Both hands!  Hold the card with both hands!

ROSA:  Okay, okay… (Holds it for a second and puts it in her purse)

HUNG:  Read the whole thing!

ROSA:  (sighs and takes it out of her purse and peruses it front and back.)

YOSHIO: (to HUNG, passing out card) Hajimemashite (4).

HUNG:  (stands up) Zhe… a hajimemashite to you too.  (accepts business card with bow, YOSHIO returns it.  He gives YOSHIO a business card of his own.)

YOSHIO: (reading it) Hmm.  (nods and continues to LYUDMILA, who looks at only one side of it and puts it in her purse.  YOSHIO, expecting a bow from her, instead gets a couple of kisses. He cringes at every kiss.)  Please!  Why do you touch me?

LYUDMILA:  You don’t do kisses in Japan?

YOSHIO:  I… would rather bow.  It is more sanitary.  (LYUDMILA stands up and elicits only a small nod while YOSHIO gives a 15 degree bow.  Disappointed, he moves on to AHMED, where he simply gives him the business card as he does for the remaining REPRESENTATIVES.  The REPRESENTATIVES start to introduce each other in their traditional way.)

WAYNE:  (noticing the handshakes, bows, kisses, etc, to ROSA) Uh, shouldn’t we be doing that wai?

ROSA:  It’s your meeting.

WAYNE: (stands up)  Excuse me, everyone, but I think we should do the—

YOSHIO: (disturbed, cutting him off) Please, I am passing out cards.  (continues to do so, coming to STEPHAN and GIUSEPPE as they exchange a handshake.) (to BOTH)  I expect a bow from both of you.

STEPHAN:  With you?

YOSHIO:  And between the both of you!

GIUSEPPE:  But it is customary for us Europeans to greet each other with a handshake…

WAYNE:  (yelling calmly) Wait!  (AKINS, YOSHIO, HUNG, LUIS, AHMED, JOSE, and HELENA shake at the loud noise) We’re in Thailand, right?

STEPHAN:  Oui.

GIUSEPPE: Si.

YOSHIO: Hai.

HUNG: Dui (5).

ROSA: Ja.

OTHERS:  (nod or say “yes” in their native language.  AHMED gives what Americans would consider a “no” sign.)

WAYNE:  No, um…?

AHMED:  Ahmed Khashoggi.  And I said yes.  (continues to shake head slowly)

WAYNE:  Uh… okay.  Well, I’m just saying, shouldn’t we be doing things the Thai way?

LUIS:  But we don’t know how to conduct business the Thai way!

WAYNE:  Well, we can at least do that wai—

YOSHIO:  Excuse me, but who authorized you to speak?  What is your position?

WAYNE:  I’m an intern with the financial department at the Los Angeles firm, why?

YOSHIO:  Well, Chen-san here is already the assistant manager of his office’s marketing department.  I do not know if anyone else here is higher, so why not let him speak?

WAYNE:  Thanom designated me to head the meeting, so would you please listen to me?  (LUIS, JOSE, HUNG, AHMED, HELENA, and AKINS are shocked by the directness of WAYNE’S words, but YOSHIO accepts it and bows rather deeply to WAYNE.)

YOSHIO: Yes, Blake-sama (6).

WAYNE:  Call me Wayne-Khun.  So why don’t we exchange our wais? (The REPRESENTATIVES share the greeting, a bit awkwardly at times, and then return to their seats.  WAYNE picks up the agenda and looks over it.)  Well, it says here that I should go first.  (He then opens his briefcase and pulls out his laptop computer and a CD case.  He exits stage right but immediately reappears with a computer projector and aims it to the screen that is upstage left.  He puts the CD into his computer and opens his project file on the laptop in front of him.  After setting it up, he returns to his seat next to ROSA but stands there to operate his PowerPoint presentation.)

HUNG:  (as WAYNE sets up his project, to YOSHIO, whispering) I think I should have gone first.  (YOSHIO nods, WAYNE gives a slight disapproving glance to the two, but regains his normal composure and begins.)

WAYNE:  AS a member of the finance department at the main headquarters in Los Angeles, I am happy to give this presentation on the state of our monetary affairs.  (Clicks to the next slide)  Our income this year was particularly large compared to the last five years, especially with the publication of the Lester Malcolm and Shirley Hope-Corazon book on international business culture.  By the way, did anyone get a copy?

OTHERS:  Hmm… what… no… nein… (assorted denials)

WAYNE:  No?  Well I did.  Didn’t have much time to read it though.  (continues on to the next slide)  Unfortunately we had to take some heavy looses because of a few flops that ate a bit of a hole into the company.  (A few members are surprised by WAYNE’S liberal use of slang.) (clicks to the next slide) So even though our profits the last couple of quarters weren’t as high as expected, the income from a few of our other best-sellers made everything a-okay.  (holds up the “okay” sign.  ROSA, LUIS, and LYUDMILA gasp, STEPHAN and YOSHIO appear puzzled.)

LUIS:  How dare you!

ROSA:  (hands in face) Das is nicht gut!

YOSHIO:  You.. just said that Stoltmann-Kreloff was not making that much money.

STEPHAN:   But not nothing either.

WAYNE:  Well, I—

LYUDMILA:  Do you realize that is a serious insult in my country?

LUIS:  And in mine.

ROSA:  Mine too.

LUIS:  Do you have any idea what that means?

WAYNE:  Well, we in America use it all the time to say things are fine—

STEPHAN:  It’s a “zero” in France…

YOSHIO:  And “money” in Japan.

WAYNE:  Oh, like this?  (gives the American “cash” gesture)  Mucho dinero?

JOSE:  Oh, please.  (puts hand in right face)

WAYNE:  (looks around, OTHERS grumble) Ahem!  Let’s get back to business!  We can talk about it later. (Group comes to order) (clicks to next slide)  Currently we spend about 35% of our budget on new books, 24% on advertising and promotions, 11% on salaries, 5% on re-releases, and 15% other.

HUNG:  What’s “other”?

WAYNE:  (turns to him) A lot of things.  We have a small contractual lawsuit every two quarters.  One of our main goals for the next three years is to reduce this number.  But this only consists of 30% of the 15%, so maybe ten million total.  There’s also—

HUNG:  Don’t look at me like that.

WAYNE:  What?  I’m not staring.

HUNG:  You’re looking at me in the eye.

WAYNE:  Is that bad?

YOSHIO:  Yes!  Especially to your rightful superior—(HUNG nods)

WAYNE:  (yelling) Well I’m talking here!  (AKINS, AHMED, LUIS, JOSE, and HELENA cover their ears)

AKINS:  My ears hurt!

YOSHIO:  That is no way to talk to an assistant manager of your own company!

WAYNE:  I’m not— (everyone, even HUNG and YOSHIO, give WAYNE a disapproving stare.  He clicks through the rest of the slides quickly.)  Uh… (reaches last slide) Just remember, future looks bright in finance.  Thank you for your time.  (he puts away his presentation as the others just look on, confused.  WAYNE looks up) Excuse me for a moment.  (he leaves stage right)

GIUSEPPE:  He’s gone.

AHMED:  I think he’s given up.

YOSHIO:  Good.  Now Chen-sama and I can run the conference our way.  (to HUNG)  Do you want to go up now, Chen-sama?

HUNG:  That’s fine with me.  (he goes up to the projector stage right and starts to load his project)

ROSA:  Wait, shouldn’t we be doing things the Thai way?

LUIS:  (exasperated) We don’t know how to do it the Thai way!

LYUDMILA:  I would like to do it the Russian way!

AKINS:  Nigerian!

AHMED:  Pakistani!

STEPHAN:  The French way’s understood by more!

HUNG:  I rank higher; let’s do it the Chinese way!  Besides, we’ve got two billion compared to your paltry 60 million!

STEPHAN:  You forgot Haiti and parts of Switzerland!  Besides, all of Europe goes through us!

HELENA:  Yeah, the Euro way!

JOSE:  I don’t know what the Euro way is!

LUIS:  (to himself) I don’t think any of us know how to do each other’s way.

AKINS:  Hey, what is the Euro way anyway?  (The group continues to debate in this manner, becoming a jumbled array of voices.  After a couple of seconds, a JANITOR comes in stage right, and, noticing the heated argument and some people sitting cross legged, slinks away in embarrassment.  JOSE speaks up after a few seconds thereafter.)

JOSE:  (raises his hand)  Wait, don’t we have an agenda?

HUNG:  What agenda?  What are we supposed to use that for?  (The debate starts again.  WAYNE returns shortly stage left)

WAYNE:  Hey, what’s all this?  (the OTHERS fall quiet)

HUNG:  You’re back.

WAYNE:  Yes, I had to cool down a bit.  Oh, and I’ve just been told we’re not supposed to cross our legs around here.

STEPHAN:  We were trying to figure out who was in charge—

WAYNE:  I could hear it all the way from the bathrooms, and they’re at the other end of the building.

OFFSTAGE VOICE:  Yeah, could you keep it quiet in there?

WAYNE:  (to the voice) Yes, sir.  (He shifts stage right and “closes the door”)  Now I’m still in charge, so let’s get back to the meeting.  (The REPRESENTATIVES return to their seats, except for HUNG.  WAYNE picks up the agenda.)  Says here that—

HUNG:  Aren’t I next?  (YOSHIO becomes surprised at HUNG’S behavior)

WAYNE:  No, it says Rosa Schnorr from Germany is next, (to HUNG) so would you take a seat, Hung-Khun?

HUNG:  (starts toward seat and sticks out his tongue)

WAYNE:  What was that about?

HUNG:  It’s a sign of embarrassment in China.  (sits in seat)  And next time, call me Chen-fujingli (7).

WAYNE:  (sighs) Come up, Rosa-Khun—err—Frau Schnorr.

ROSA: Danke schoen (8). (sets up her project)  Could you turn off the lights, Herr Blake?

WAYNE:  Mmm-hmm.  (walks upstage right to “turn off the lights”; lights dim.  WAYNE returns to his seat.)

ROSA:  (to the OTHERS) Can everyone see me okay?  (Everyone nods; WAYNE gives a thumbs-up)

AKINS:  (small gasp)  That’s our equivalent of the… that one sign…

WAYNE:  The a-okay sign?  Sorry.

ROSA:  Let’s agree not to use any more gestures, how about it?  (everyone agrees and nods, including AHMED, who gives the “no” sign again)  No, Herr Khashoggi?

AHMED:  No, no, it’s a yes.  It’s how we do it in Pakistan…

ROSA:  Why no—Oh, that’s right.  Let’s put that aside, Ja?  (clicks to first slide)  I am here today to talk to you about some of the new publications arriving next year that will be brought out in several different languages.  (clicks to the next slide)  From America we have the five hundred page novel by Bretta Kale entitled Vera’s Truth, a partly autobiographical novel on a young girl’s experiences in the urban ghet—I mean, inner city that will be sent to the German, Italian, Mexican, Nigerian, Chinese, and Vietnamese firms by the end of July, and the Pakistani, Israeli, Japanese, South African, Spanish, and French firms by August for translation.  From my firm in Germany we have—(JOSE, directly across from HELENA, raises his hand and waves it a bit)  Yes, Herr Campora?

JOSE:  Si, Last year my—

HELENA:  (just noticing it) The Hand of Moutza!

JOSE: What about it, Senora Papandreou?

HELENA:  You… you just told me to go to the devil!

JOSE:  No I didn’t!

ROSA:  Please people, we don’t have much time—

HELENA: (pointing to JOSE) Yes you did, just before—

HUNG: It’s very rude to point!

HELENA:  It’s even ruder to put up that sign—

LYUDMILA:  I’m surprised only Schnorr and Bocca and I found that other sign rude…

LUIS:  Well, I don’t think—(cell phone rings) Excuse me. (Gives what most Americans would call a “crazy” sign) (to phone) Buenos Dias.

LYUDMILA:  You calling me crazy?

LUIS:  Si, yo—(to LYUDMILA) No, phone call.  (continues talking)

LYUDMILA:  I see that look in your eyes…

JOSE:  Hey, I didn’t know—

HELENA:  You DON’T?!?!?  (The representatives, except for WAYNE and LUIS, who is covering their ears, and ROSA, who is trying to call to order, continue to argue very loudly about gestures and their uses)

ROSA: Stop it!  We’ve got more books to cover!  (The crowd ignores her)  We should have all learned what the Thai culture is…

WAYNE:  At least we’re all speaking English.  (THANOM and PAIGE return from stage right)

PAIGE:  What’s happening here? (looks to THANOM, who gives her a shrug)  (shouting)  Quiet everyone!  (The REPRESENTATIVES fall silent)  (to WAYNE:  What’s the matter, Wayne?

WAYNE:  Well, they all wanted to conduct the meeting in their own way—

HELENA:  Campora gave me the evil hand!

AKINS:  Mr. Blake gave a thumbs-up!

LYUDMILA:  He gave me this!  (holds up the “okay” sign)

STEPHAN:  Monsieur Yamada wouldn’t let Monsieur Amato and I shake hands—

YOSHIO:  They would not respect my business card or return my bow!

LYUDMILA:  (pointing to LUIS) He thinks I’m crazy!

HUNG:  Everyone keeps pointing!

LUIS:  (still on his phone) Que? Que?

THANOM:  (to WAYNE) Is this true, Wayne-Khun?

WAYNE:  Yes.

ROSA:  But we didn’t know…

THANOM:  Did you finish your presentations?

WAYNE:  It’s only 10:30, but no…

PAIGE:  (looks at THANOM, whispers for a moment, and nods.  She then turns to the REPRESENTATIVES.)  Well, now that you’ve… properly introduced yourselves I think we can go on to the team-building games.  (the REPERESENTATIVES groan)

THANOM:  Come on, let’s split up.  We’ll put Wayne-Khun, Giuseppe-Khun, Helena-Khun, and Hung-Khun in one group, Yoshio-Khun, Lyudmila-Khun, Akins-Khun, and Rosa-Khun in another, and Luis-Khun, Ahmed-Khun, Stephan-Khun, and Jose-Khun in the last.  Is that fair?  (no answer)  Good, let’s go.  (The REPRESENTATIVES split up in their respective groups.)  Come with me.  (PAIGE and THAMON exit stage right.  Most groups leave in opposite directions, but GIUSEPPE, STEPHAN, and ROSA stay to shake hands with everyone who pass by.  HUNG bows to everyone he meets, including the EUROPEANS.  STEPHAN holds out his left hand to HUNG, who bows several times before he notices his hand.  HUNG looks at it in disgust.)

HUNG:  The left hand.  You wipe your bum with that!  (He exits in the direction of his group)

STEPHAN:  I’m just left-handed is all… no offense—(He stops and looks in the direction of ROSA and they shrug their shoulders.  The three split up to catch up with their groups.

CURTAIN

Footnotes:

1:  Usually means “please” in German, it is also used for “sorry”.

2:  Japanese for “I’m sorry”.

3:  The traditional ending for a first-time meeting in Japanese.  It literally translates to “Please treat me well”.

4:  The traditional introduction to a first time meeting in Japanese, meaning “It’s the first time we meet”.

5:  Although the word for “yes” in Chinese is “shi”, “dui” is more appropriate here as it means “Correct”.

6:  While “san” is a general address attached to a person’s name in Japanese, “sama” is more formal and often directed to a superior, in this case, upon Yoshio’s admittance that Wayne is in charge.

7:  Chinese for “assistant manager”.  Often the job position of a person is attached to their last name in Chinese to a greater degree than in English.

8:  Of course, Danke is German for “Thank you”, but the addition of schoen makes it more formal.  I can’t create an umlaut over the “o” for schoen so I added an “e” after it as is usually done.

Description
The Conference

Dramatis Personae:

Wayne Blake—American Representative
Rosa Schnorr—German Representative
Paige Oates—American Host of Conference
Thanom Silliphant—Thai Host of Conference
Chen Hung—Chinese Representative
Yamada Yoshio—Japanese Representative
Stephan Leblanc—French Representative
Akins Kuti—Nigerian Representative
Lyudmila Beregovoi—Russian Representative
Giuseppe Amato—Italian Representative
Ahmed Khashoggi—Pakistani Representative
Luis Bocca—Argentine Representative
Jose Campora—Mexican Representative
Helena Papandreou—Greek Representative
Janitor—Thai Custodian

Setting:  A Convention Center in Bangkok, Thailand.

Scene 1:  A Conference Room.

(WAYNE comes in stage right clutching his briefcase, appearing rather nervous.)

WAYNE:  (talking to himself) They told us all we needed to do was keep in mind the culture… I wish they told us exactly what to keep in mind.  (As WAYNE taps his fingers, ROSA walks in and sits down in a seat at the table center stage.  WAYNE takes the seat next to her.)  (to ROSA) Uh… Hello.

ROSA:  Oh, hello, I’m Rosa Schnorr from the Deutsch Republic.

WAYNE:  Germany, Huh?  I’m Wayne Blake from the United States of America.  (WAYNE extends his hand to ROSA, who looks at it for a moment, confused.  WAYNE puts down his hand, disappointed.  ROSA extends hers out and they shake hands together.)

ROSA: (grins) Bitte (1). In Europe, the woman must always initiate the handshake if she has to shake with a man.

WAYNE:  Really?

ROSA:  Mmm.  It’s a pleasure to meet you, though.  You know, I’m surprised no one else has shown up yet.  (Looks at watch)  It’s already 9:30.  (PAIGE enters stage right and walks toward the table.)

PAIGE:  I would expect some of us to be a bit late.  (stops at the left end of the table, facing toward WAYNE and ROSA.)  You see, in Thailand, people don’t care if you may be ten minutes late for a meeting, so there’s no need to be extraordinarily punctual.  (She turns around and notices THANOM enterting from stage left.  They exchange a wai, the traditional Thai greeting, with PAIGE holding her hands as in prayer to her chest and THANOM to his chin.  THANOM takes PAIGE’S place as she shifts upstage left.  HUNG walks in as THANOM speaks.)

THANOM:  Hello, I’m glad to see you all here at the Fourth Annual Stoltmann-Kreloff Publishing Company International Business Conference in Bangkok, especially since most of you are newcomers to our family.  I’m Thanom Silliphant and I’m one of the associate managers of the Bangkok firm.  I would first of all like to congratulate you for being chosen by your local firm to represent your countries.  The Stoltmann-Kreloff Corporation believes that in order to continue to be as successful as we have had in the past, we need to spread out to new markets and become a global company not bound by any borders.  Over 100 countries are represented here, all hard-working and loyal members of the Stoltmann-Kreloff team.  Of course, not every country and office can fit in this little room, so we set about twenty rooms for everyone to hold their meetings.  Now in case you didn’t get the schedule, we will hold our conferences from 9:30 to eleven, have teamwork activites until twelve, then break for lunch, meet in the auditorium for the CEO’s speech at one, and hold a Thai Culture Festival at three.  We’ll let you go at five and you can explore the rest of Bangkok for yourself.  Even though we all aren’t here yet, why don’t we introduce ourselves a little?  You (to HUNG, who sits next to ROSA), stand up and tell me who you are.

HUNG:  (stands up slowly) My name is Chen Hung and I’m from the People’s Republic of China.  I work at the firm in Shanghai (gives a little bow).

THANOM:  Oh, and I want everyone to greet me the same way I greeted Paige-Khun here:  Place your hands together and put them near your chest, then give a nod.  We in Thailand call this a wai.  (HUNG and THANOM, exchange the wai.  As this is happening, YOSHIO runs in frantically from stage right, puts his briefcase on the table, and bows.)

YOSHIO:  Gomen Nasai (2)!  I am sorry I am late for this meeting.

PAIGE:  Don’t worry, just take a seat.  We’ve barely started.

WAYNE: (looks around at the empty remaining chairs) And there are plenty of others who still aren’t here.

YOSHIO: (still standing) The brochure said 9:30!

THANOM:  (to YOSHIO) Why don’t you introduce yourself next?  I’m Thanom Silliphant, and I’m one of the associate managers here.

YOSHIO:  I am Yamada Yoshio of the Stoltmann-Kreloff Publishing Corporation of Japan and I have just been hired to the offices in Osaka.  Dozo Yoroshiku Onegaishimasu (3).  (Gives a bow while THANOM gives a wai.  THANOM looks up, a bit confused.)

THANOM:  Err… Yoshio-Khun, just do as I do.  It’s rude not to return a wai.

YOSHIO:  (sighs, then returns the wai.  He sits down next to WAYNE.)  It’s rude not to return a bow—

THANOM:  Would the person next to Hung-Khun please stand up?  (ROSA stands)

ROSA:  I am Rosa Schnorr from Germany and I work as an editor at the firm in Hamburg.  (She then gives the wai to THANOM, who returns it.)

THANOM:  Thank you.  You may be seated, Rosa-Khun.

ROSA:  I would greatly prefer to be called Frau Schnorr.

THANOM:  (a little shocked, but still pleasant)  Well, “khun” is just our little term of respect in addressing people around here.  (ROSA sits back down) (to WAYNE) How about you, sir?

WAYNE:  (stands up) I’m Wayne Blake and I work in Los Angeles.  (gives the wai to THANOM and sits back down.  STEPHAN and AKINS come in stage right followed by LYUDMILA.)

THANOM:  (returning WAYNE’S wai) Good.  (to STEPHAN)  How about you, sir?

PAIGE: (hearing her cell phone ring) Wait! (picks it up) Hello, Paige Oates.  (sustained pause; THANOM continues to conduct the now-established ritual with STEPHAN.)  Now?  (short pause)  With Thanom and I?  (pause) But we’re in the middle of a meeting… (pause) Okay.  Bye.  (turns off here cell phone, turns to THANOM)  Thanom-Khun, the CEO wants us to talk to a few reporters.  Let’s pass out those forms now.

THANOM:  Not yet!  I have to introduce more people.

PAIGE:  Let them introduce themselves!  It’s their meeting.

THANOM:  Fine.  (He goes into his briefcase and passes out a small sheet of paper to each member, including ones just coming in:  GIUSEPPE, AHMED, and HELENA.  He leaves a few out on the table for those who have not yet shown up.)  Okay, everyone, I’m sorry to say that Paige and I have to go so… Wayne-Khun, you head the meeting.  On the back’s the agenda—

PAIGE:  We’re already late!

THANOM:  Uh—just give your presentations.  Good-bye!  (THANOM and PAIGE exit stage left.  LUIS and JOSE enter stage left as the two hosts leave, and take their seats in the remaining chairs.  The REPRESENTATIVES look at each other, and pick up the agenda and the business cards YOSHIO is passing out counter-clockwise from his seat, starting with WAYNE.  Of the members, only HUNG holds it correctly.)

ROSA:  (holding agenda in her right hand and the business card in her left, reading the card) Yoshio Yamada…

YOSHIO:  (standing next to her) Both hands!  Hold the card with both hands!

ROSA:  Okay, okay… (Holds it for a second and puts it in her purse)

HUNG:  Read the whole thing!

ROSA:  (sighs and takes it out of her purse and peruses it front and back.)

YOSHIO: (to HUNG, passing out card) Hajimemashite (4).

HUNG:  (stands up) Zhe… a hajimemashite to you too.  (accepts business card with bow, YOSHIO returns it.  He gives YOSHIO a business card of his own.)

YOSHIO: (reading it) Hmm.  (nods and continues to LYUDMILA, who looks at only one side of it and puts it in her purse.  YOSHIO, expecting a bow from her, instead gets a couple of kisses. He cringes at every kiss.)  Please!  Why do you touch me?

LYUDMILA:  You don’t do kisses in Japan?

YOSHIO:  I… would rather bow.  It is more sanitary.  (LYUDMILA stands up and elicits only a small nod while YOSHIO gives a 15 degree bow.  Disappointed, he moves on to AHMED, where he simply gives him the business card as he does for the remaining REPRESENTATIVES.  The REPRESENTATIVES start to introduce each other in their traditional way.)

WAYNE:  (noticing the handshakes, bows, kisses, etc, to ROSA) Uh, shouldn’t we be doing that wai?

ROSA:  It’s your meeting.

WAYNE: (stands up)  Excuse me, everyone, but I think we should do the—

YOSHIO: (disturbed, cutting him off) Please, I am passing out cards.  (continues to do so, coming to STEPHAN and GIUSEPPE as they exchange a handshake.) (to BOTH)  I expect a bow from both of you.

STEPHAN:  With you?

YOSHIO:  And between the both of you!

GIUSEPPE:  But it is customary for us Europeans to greet each other with a handshake…

WAYNE:  (yelling calmly) Wait!  (AKINS, YOSHIO, HUNG, LUIS, AHMED, JOSE, and HELENA shake at the loud noise) We’re in Thailand, right?

STEPHAN:  Oui.

GIUSEPPE: Si.

YOSHIO: Hai.

HUNG: Dui (5).

ROSA: Ja.

OTHERS:  (nod or say “yes” in their native language.  AHMED gives what Americans would consider a “no” sign.)

WAYNE:  No, um…?

AHMED:  Ahmed Khashoggi.  And I said yes.  (continues to shake head slowly)

WAYNE:  Uh… okay.  Well, I’m just saying, shouldn’t we be doing things the Thai way?

LUIS:  But we don’t know how to conduct business the Thai way!

WAYNE:  Well, we can at least do that wai—

YOSHIO:  Excuse me, but who authorized you to speak?  What is your position?

WAYNE:  I’m an intern with the financial department at the Los Angeles firm, why?

YOSHIO:  Well, Chen-san here is already the assistant manager of his office’s marketing department.  I do not know if anyone else here is higher, so why not let him speak?

WAYNE:  Thanom designated me to head the meeting, so would you please listen to me?  (LUIS, JOSE, HUNG, AHMED, HELENA, and AKINS are shocked by the directness of WAYNE’S words, but YOSHIO accepts it and bows rather deeply to WAYNE.)

YOSHIO: Yes, Blake-sama (6).

WAYNE:  Call me Wayne-Khun.  So why don’t we exchange our wais? (The REPRESENTATIVES share the greeting, a bit awkwardly at times, and then return to their seats.  WAYNE picks up the agenda and looks over it.)  Well, it says here that I should go first.  (He then opens his briefcase and pulls out his laptop computer and a CD case.  He exits stage right but immediately reappears with a computer projector and aims it to the screen that is upstage left.  He puts the CD into his computer and opens his project file on the laptop in front of him.  After setting it up, he returns to his seat next to ROSA but stands there to operate his PowerPoint presentation.)

HUNG:  (as WAYNE sets up his project, to YOSHIO, whispering) I think I should have gone first.  (YOSHIO nods, WAYNE gives a slight disapproving glance to the two, but regains his normal composure and begins.)

WAYNE:  AS a member of the finance department at the main headquarters in Los Angeles, I am happy to give this presentation on the state of our monetary affairs.  (Clicks to the next slide)  Our income this year was particularly large compared to the last five years, especially with the publication of the Lester Malcolm and Shirley Hope-Corazon book on international business culture.  By the way, did anyone get a copy?

OTHERS:  Hmm… what… no… nein… (assorted denials)

WAYNE:  No?  Well I did.  Didn’t have much time to read it though.  (continues on to the next slide)  Unfortunately we had to take some heavy looses because of a few flops that ate a bit of a hole into the company.  (A few members are surprised by WAYNE’S liberal use of slang.) (clicks to the next slide) So even though our profits the last couple of quarters weren’t as high as expected, the income from a few of our other best-sellers made everything a-okay.  (holds up the “okay” sign.  ROSA, LUIS, and LYUDMILA gasp, STEPHAN and YOSHIO appear puzzled.)

LUIS:  How dare you!

ROSA:  (hands in face) Das is nicht gut!

YOSHIO:  You.. just said that Stoltmann-Kreloff was not making that much money.

STEPHAN:   But not nothing either.

WAYNE:  Well, I—

LYUDMILA:  Do you realize that is a serious insult in my country?

LUIS:  And in mine.

ROSA:  Mine too.

LUIS:  Do you have any idea what that means?

WAYNE:  Well, we in America use it all the time to say things are fine—

STEPHAN:  It’s a “zero” in France…

YOSHIO:  And “money” in Japan.

WAYNE:  Oh, like this?  (gives the American “cash” gesture)  Mucho dinero?

JOSE:  Oh, please.  (puts hand in right face)

WAYNE:  (looks around, OTHERS grumble) Ahem!  Let’s get back to business!  We can talk about it later. (Group comes to order) (clicks to next slide)  Currently we spend about 35% of our budget on new books, 24% on advertising and promotions, 11% on salaries, 5% on re-releases, and 15% other.

HUNG:  What’s “other”?

WAYNE:  (turns to him) A lot of things.  We have a small contractual lawsuit every two quarters.  One of our main goals for the next three years is to reduce this number.  But this only consists of 30% of the 15%, so maybe ten million total.  There’s also—

HUNG:  Don’t look at me like that.

WAYNE:  What?  I’m not staring.

HUNG:  You’re looking at me in the eye.

WAYNE:  Is that bad?

YOSHIO:  Yes!  Especially to your rightful superior—(HUNG nods)

WAYNE:  (yelling) Well I’m talking here!  (AKINS, AHMED, LUIS, JOSE, and HELENA cover their ears)

AKINS:  My ears hurt!

YOSHIO:  That is no way to talk to an assistant manager of your own company!

WAYNE:  I’m not— (everyone, even HUNG and YOSHIO, give WAYNE a disapproving stare.  He clicks through the rest of the slides quickly.)  Uh… (reaches last slide) Just remember, future looks bright in finance.  Thank you for your time.  (he puts away his presentation as the others just look on, confused.  WAYNE looks up) Excuse me for a moment.  (he leaves stage right)

GIUSEPPE:  He’s gone.

AHMED:  I think he’s given up.

YOSHIO:  Good.  Now Chen-sama and I can run the conference our way.  (to HUNG)  Do you want to go up now, Chen-sama?

HUNG:  That’s fine with me.  (he goes up to the projector stage right and starts to load his project)

ROSA:  Wait, shouldn’t we be doing things the Thai way?

LUIS:  (exasperated) We don’t know how to do it the Thai way!

LYUDMILA:  I would like to do it the Russian way!

AKINS:  Nigerian!

AHMED:  Pakistani!

STEPHAN:  The French way’s understood by more!

HUNG:  I rank higher; let’s do it the Chinese way!  Besides, we’ve got two billion compared to your paltry 60 million!

STEPHAN:  You forgot Haiti and parts of Switzerland!  Besides, all of Europe goes through us!

HELENA:  Yeah, the Euro way!

JOSE:  I don’t know what the Euro way is!

LUIS:  (to himself) I don’t think any of us know how to do each other’s way.

AKINS:  Hey, what is the Euro way anyway?  (The group continues to debate in this manner, becoming a jumbled array of voices.  After a couple of seconds, a JANITOR comes in stage right, and, noticing the heated argument and some people sitting cross legged, slinks away in embarrassment.  JOSE speaks up after a few seconds thereafter.)

JOSE:  (raises his hand)  Wait, don’t we have an agenda?

HUNG:  What agenda?  What are we supposed to use that for?  (The debate starts again.  WAYNE returns shortly stage left)

WAYNE:  Hey, what’s all this?  (the OTHERS fall quiet)

HUNG:  You’re back.

WAYNE:  Yes, I had to cool down a bit.  Oh, and I’ve just been told we’re not supposed to cross our legs around here.

STEPHAN:  We were trying to figure out who was in charge—

WAYNE:  I could hear it all the way from the bathrooms, and they’re at the other end of the building.

OFFSTAGE VOICE:  Yeah, could you keep it quiet in there?

WAYNE:  (to the voice) Yes, sir.  (He shifts stage right and “closes the door”)  Now I’m still in charge, so let’s get back to the meeting.  (The REPRESENTATIVES return to their seats, except for HUNG.  WAYNE picks up the agenda.)  Says here that—

HUNG:  Aren’t I next?  (YOSHIO becomes surprised at HUNG’S behavior)

WAYNE:  No, it says Rosa Schnorr from Germany is next, (to HUNG) so would you take a seat, Hung-Khun?

HUNG:  (starts toward seat and sticks out his tongue)

WAYNE:  What was that about?

HUNG:  It’s a sign of embarrassment in China.  (sits in seat)  And next time, call me Chen-fujingli (7).

WAYNE:  (sighs) Come up, Rosa-Khun—err—Frau Schnorr.

ROSA: Danke schoen (8). (sets up her project)  Could you turn off the lights, Herr Blake?

WAYNE:  Mmm-hmm.  (walks upstage right to “turn off the lights”; lights dim.  WAYNE returns to his seat.)

ROSA:  (to the OTHERS) Can everyone see me okay?  (Everyone nods; WAYNE gives a thumbs-up)

AKINS:  (small gasp)  That’s our equivalent of the… that one sign…

WAYNE:  The a-okay sign?  Sorry.

ROSA:  Let’s agree not to use any more gestures, how about it?  (everyone agrees and nods, including AHMED, who gives the “no” sign again)  No, Herr Khashoggi?

AHMED:  No, no, it’s a yes.  It’s how we do it in Pakistan…

ROSA:  Why no—Oh, that’s right.  Let’s put that aside, Ja?  (clicks to first slide)  I am here today to talk to you about some of the new publications arriving next year that will be brought out in several different languages.  (clicks to the next slide)  From America we have the five hundred page novel by Bretta Kale entitled Vera’s Truth, a partly autobiographical novel on a young girl’s experiences in the urban ghet—I mean, inner city that will be sent to the German, Italian, Mexican, Nigerian, Chinese, and Vietnamese firms by the end of July, and the Pakistani, Israeli, Japanese, South African, Spanish, and French firms by August for translation.  From my firm in Germany we have—(JOSE, directly across from HELENA, raises his hand and waves it a bit)  Yes, Herr Campora?

JOSE:  Si, Last year my—

HELENA:  (just noticing it) The Hand of Moutza!

JOSE: What about it, Senora Papandreou?

HELENA:  You… you just told me to go to the devil!

JOSE:  No I didn’t!

ROSA:  Please people, we don’t have much time—

HELENA: (pointing to JOSE) Yes you did, just before—

HUNG: It’s very rude to point!

HELENA:  It’s even ruder to put up that sign—

LYUDMILA:  I’m surprised only Schnorr and Bocca and I found that other sign rude…

LUIS:  Well, I don’t think—(cell phone rings) Excuse me. (Gives what most Americans would call a “crazy” sign) (to phone) Buenos Dias.

LYUDMILA:  You calling me crazy?

LUIS:  Si, yo—(to LYUDMILA) No, phone call.  (continues talking)

LYUDMILA:  I see that look in your eyes…

JOSE:  Hey, I didn’t know—

HELENA:  You DON’T?!?!?  (The representatives, except for WAYNE and LUIS, who is covering their ears, and ROSA, who is trying to call to order, continue to argue very loudly about gestures and their uses)

ROSA: Stop it!  We’ve got more books to cover!  (The crowd ignores her)  We should have all learned what the Thai culture is…

WAYNE:  At least we’re all speaking English.  (THANOM and PAIGE return from stage right)

PAIGE:  What’s happening here? (looks to THANOM, who gives her a shrug)  (shouting)  Quiet everyone!  (The REPRESENTATIVES fall silent)  (to WAYNE:  What’s the matter, Wayne?

WAYNE:  Well, they all wanted to conduct the meeting in their own way—

HELENA:  Campora gave me the evil hand!

AKINS:  Mr. Blake gave a thumbs-up!

LYUDMILA:  He gave me this!  (holds up the “okay” sign)

STEPHAN:  Monsieur Yamada wouldn’t let Monsieur Amato and I shake hands—

YOSHIO:  They would not respect my business card or return my bow!

LYUDMILA:  (pointing to LUIS) He thinks I’m crazy!

HUNG:  Everyone keeps pointing!

LUIS:  (still on his phone) Que? Que?

THANOM:  (to WAYNE) Is this true, Wayne-Khun?

WAYNE:  Yes.

ROSA:  But we didn’t know…

THANOM:  Did you finish your presentations?

WAYNE:  It’s only 10:30, but no…

PAIGE:  (looks at THANOM, whispers for a moment, and nods.  She then turns to the REPRESENTATIVES.)  Well, now that you’ve… properly introduced yourselves I think we can go on to the team-building games.  (the REPERESENTATIVES groan)

THANOM:  Come on, let’s split up.  We’ll put Wayne-Khun, Giuseppe-Khun, Helena-Khun, and Hung-Khun in one group, Yoshio-Khun, Lyudmila-Khun, Akins-Khun, and Rosa-Khun in another, and Luis-Khun, Ahmed-Khun, Stephan-Khun, and Jose-Khun in the last.  Is that fair?  (no answer)  Good, let’s go.  (The REPRESENTATIVES split up in their respective groups.)  Come with me.  (PAIGE and THAMON exit stage right.  Most groups leave in opposite directions, but GIUSEPPE, STEPHAN, and ROSA stay to shake hands with everyone who pass by.  HUNG bows to everyone he meets, including the EUROPEANS.  STEPHAN holds out his left hand to HUNG, who bows several times before he notices his hand.  HUNG looks at it in disgust.)

HUNG:  The left hand.  You wipe your bum with that!  (He exits in the direction of his group)

STEPHAN:  I’m just left-handed is all… no offense—(He stops and looks in the direction of ROSA and they shrug their shoulders.  The three split up to catch up with their groups.

CURTAIN

Footnotes:

1:  Usually means “please” in German, it is also used for “sorry”.

2:  Japanese for “I’m sorry”.

3:  The traditional ending for a first-time meeting in Japanese.  It literally translates to “Please treat me well”.

4:  The traditional introduction to a first time meeting in Japanese, meaning “It’s the first time we meet”.

5:  Although the word for “yes” in Chinese is “shi”, “dui” is more appropriate here as it means “Correct”.

6:  While “san” is a general address attached to a person’s name in Japanese, “sama” is more formal and often directed to a superior, in this case, upon Yoshio’s admittance that Wayne is in charge.

7:  Chinese for “assistant manager”.  Often the job position of a person is attached to their last name in Chinese to a greater degree than in English.

8:  Of course, Danke is German for “Thank you”, but the addition of schoen makes it more formal.  I can’t create an umlaut over the “o” for schoen so I added an “e” after it as is usually done.