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Description
it's a little more than that, but it's the only word in my head to describe it.

everything was set up for yesterday (christmas) to be a bad day. My mind reminiscing on what me and User did together (and why I made the pic, because in case you didn't know, this was what we'd do when we were in gmod together, together on our own, or with yiffy, or ellie, or pipann, or whoever, we would only play here. yes, instead of working on them, which bothered me to no end, that he only wanted to play with me and hang me on a leash to his promise he'd never fulfill...), having been rejected and thrown around by various liars (a money scammer, User's betrayal) and people who don't respect opinions outside their own small confined space (the chao people), forcing to delay both of my projects because of inexplicable hurdles, worried and scared for others who're fading away, and then to top it all off, yesterday being extremely upsetting just in general.

my family is mostly comprised of females. girls club.... and by god it shows. from the image of society my family pervades like a stench, to portray them as facts and law even though it's just preference, to having to pretend just to succeed being around them...

That just because I'm 20, and a woman, that I must forcibly PR myself some image of someone I'm not, just so they can get their rushes. I was only so grateful I could break out of that for a second when my 19 year old second-cousin wanted to listen when I explained the map project in a summary. That was probably the only bout of happiness I had the entirety of yesterday. doesn't help fate wanted me to be punished, especially by losing 3 times to bonbons. sums up my 2018, I said.... but they don't understand, and took it to mean other things.

My gifts comprised of stereotypical girl things. Jewellery, clothes. Admittedly the shirt I got is useful and I understand that since I had few enough as it was, but the rest of it... no.

That just because I'm 20, and a woman, I'm entitled to receive these things, and pretend I'm that, even though that does not speak to me as who I am.

That they were so busy preening themselves on all of those things expecting me to join in, shunning the poor kids who wanted to explain the toys they were interested, even though they never said it, I could tell from their faces 'oh she's 8, she'll grow out of these el-oh-els' (they looked like some lineage of dolls that which were packaged as a surprise according to her, they looked interesting from my point of view, even though I wouldn't go for them myself since I have the games as my thing, I could understand her interest as I was the same, and just listening to their ignorance sucked), and projecting preference onto them as if it's fact, such as saying to my 11 year old cousin 'oh you've outgrown them, so I thought I'd treat you like that' (I stopped listening, it was probably more like 'so I thought I'd treat you like an adult') which equates to destroying your individuality and stating preference like it's law, that once you hit the predetermined age in society, double digits, you're no longer entitled to acting like yourself.

I don't think they understand, but I wept when I returned home. Enough to have an early night, because I couldn't stand having to act the way they do.

my mum had stated we might've missed it due to the work we have to do and I was willing to give them a chance and until they saw it that's what I wanted to believe. but maybe we should've skipped it, if only to explain a lesson they should've learned a long time ago, especially the old hags there....

and especially so I didn't end up sick, because now I have an allergy or something for some reason, which wasn't present before yesterday.

especially since I made those stories, about arie escaping that world mentally well I didn't escape that world, still trapped in a mental loop

feeling more and more alone as i don't have anyone to speak to nor anyone who knows how to help without being shady about it

more and more like I did as a kid... alone on the playground with no one to speak to or understand, all because I'm different.

especially when having a memory of a time in high school, when one of my friends compared 'tomboyishness' and said 'you're probably the least... out of all of us'

later on saying 'it's ok, i don't mean it in a bad way'

but you weren't wrong.

i hate it, but you weren't wrong.

my family IS that, and I hate it every time.

If you were to have seen me, I'd have been silent, looking down, sideways, away from the main commotion, in a corner away, crouched up, balled up, looking somewhat neutral.

but inside was a mental breakdown.

and that's what lead to now.

the picture was made mainly because I was reminiscing on the times when david would actually do what he promised. but that he did manage to be individual to break free.... only wanting to make me upset in the process by promising me things he couldn't deliver, even when I would ask him if it was impossible (such as taking 7 of the maps for himself, he never asked me if I was ok but I sure would tell him 'are you ok with doing these things' with him responding yes every time... sigh... along with those times in the beginning when he'd hype himself to do a multiverse splatoon map ala hyrule from oot and being super pumped up about it only to never touch them....).

i had strong memories of the times we played here because he would only ever come here 90% of the time, only to sleep and create more broken promises, not realising how close I hold things like that to what they actually mean.

i didn't want to make another emotional pic, but if i have to vent, i have to vent.

Description
it's a little more than that, but it's the only word in my head to describe it.

everything was set up for yesterday (christmas) to be a bad day. My mind reminiscing on what me and User did together (and why I made the pic, because in case you didn't know, this was what we'd do when we were in gmod together, together on our own, or with yiffy, or ellie, or pipann, or whoever, we would only play here. yes, instead of working on them, which bothered me to no end, that he only wanted to play with me and hang me on a leash to his promise he'd never fulfill...), having been rejected and thrown around by various liars (a money scammer, User's betrayal) and people who don't respect opinions outside their own small confined space (the chao people), forcing to delay both of my projects because of inexplicable hurdles, worried and scared for others who're fading away, and then to top it all off, yesterday being extremely upsetting just in general.

my family is mostly comprised of females. girls club.... and by god it shows. from the image of society my family pervades like a stench, to portray them as facts and law even though it's just preference, to having to pretend just to succeed being around them...

That just because I'm 20, and a woman, that I must forcibly PR myself some image of someone I'm not, just so they can get their rushes. I was only so grateful I could break out of that for a second when my 19 year old second-cousin wanted to listen when I explained the map project in a summary. That was probably the only bout of happiness I had the entirety of yesterday. doesn't help fate wanted me to be punished, especially by losing 3 times to bonbons. sums up my 2018, I said.... but they don't understand, and took it to mean other things.

My gifts comprised of stereotypical girl things. Jewellery, clothes. Admittedly the shirt I got is useful and I understand that since I had few enough as it was, but the rest of it... no.

That just because I'm 20, and a woman, I'm entitled to receive these things, and pretend I'm that, even though that does not speak to me as who I am.

That they were so busy preening themselves on all of those things expecting me to join in, shunning the poor kids who wanted to explain the toys they were interested, even though they never said it, I could tell from their faces 'oh she's 8, she'll grow out of these el-oh-els' (they looked like some lineage of dolls that which were packaged as a surprise according to her, they looked interesting from my point of view, even though I wouldn't go for them myself since I have the games as my thing, I could understand her interest as I was the same, and just listening to their ignorance sucked), and projecting preference onto them as if it's fact, such as saying to my 11 year old cousin 'oh you've outgrown them, so I thought I'd treat you like that' (I stopped listening, it was probably more like 'so I thought I'd treat you like an adult') which equates to destroying your individuality and stating preference like it's law, that once you hit the predetermined age in society, double digits, you're no longer entitled to acting like yourself.

I don't think they understand, but I wept when I returned home. Enough to have an early night, because I couldn't stand having to act the way they do.

my mum had stated we might've missed it due to the work we have to do and I was willing to give them a chance and until they saw it that's what I wanted to believe. but maybe we should've skipped it, if only to explain a lesson they should've learned a long time ago, especially the old hags there....

and especially so I didn't end up sick, because now I have an allergy or something for some reason, which wasn't present before yesterday.

especially since I made those stories, about arie escaping that world mentally well I didn't escape that world, still trapped in a mental loop

feeling more and more alone as i don't have anyone to speak to nor anyone who knows how to help without being shady about it

more and more like I did as a kid... alone on the playground with no one to speak to or understand, all because I'm different.

especially when having a memory of a time in high school, when one of my friends compared 'tomboyishness' and said 'you're probably the least... out of all of us'

later on saying 'it's ok, i don't mean it in a bad way'

but you weren't wrong.

i hate it, but you weren't wrong.

my family IS that, and I hate it every time.

If you were to have seen me, I'd have been silent, looking down, sideways, away from the main commotion, in a corner away, crouched up, balled up, looking somewhat neutral.

but inside was a mental breakdown.

and that's what lead to now.

the picture was made mainly because I was reminiscing on the times when david would actually do what he promised. but that he did manage to be individual to break free.... only wanting to make me upset in the process by promising me things he couldn't deliver, even when I would ask him if it was impossible (such as taking 7 of the maps for himself, he never asked me if I was ok but I sure would tell him 'are you ok with doing these things' with him responding yes every time... sigh... along with those times in the beginning when he'd hype himself to do a multiverse splatoon map ala hyrule from oot and being super pumped up about it only to never touch them....).

i had strong memories of the times we played here because he would only ever come here 90% of the time, only to sleep and create more broken promises, not realising how close I hold things like that to what they actually mean.

i didn't want to make another emotional pic, but if i have to vent, i have to vent.