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Description
Haunting: Conclusion

Mizu smirked at me over her clipboard. She started saying,
“Looks like you’re all set to be released today, Ah-”
“Last name.” I murmured absently.
“-sshole.” She finished. I didn’t bother to look up, but even I couldn’t help smirking.
“Minus five points for your bedside manner.” I deadpanned. Over the past couple weeks trial and error taught me the most effective tone was none at all. A jolt of pain shot up my right arm. Finally I glanced up, the pain already starting to fade into an obnoxious after-image. As usual the redhead had smacked the nearest appendage, which was currently my pale right arm. I looked at her with a combination of patheticness and annoyance. It didn’t take to long for her to gasp.
“Oh, I’m so sorry Cale!” She said, and I knew she meant it. I shrugged.
“Don’t worry about it- I won’t beat you senseless until I’m released.” I said calmly. Mizu tensed and I playfully winced. She decided to simply stick out her tongue at me. I stuck mine out at her, and Robyn opened the door to my room.
For a few more hours I would have a private room at the hospital. Not long after hearing Mizu’s comment on my financial state I rectified it. I always carried some money with me for such emergencies, but it seemed the justice system had gone through my clothing very well. All I had were several pieces of paper with numbers in the corner. When Mizu say a wad of them she said they would work just fine, so I was thankful I’d kept half of them hidden. Later my suspicions were confirmed when Mizu explained Earth currency. I’ve heard that Carrotopia usually deals in electronic money, but being on the lower end of society I was always paid in gold or other precious metals. Since then I had my own room and by request was always treated by Mizu. She wasn’t the ideal nurse, but I didn’t like people. Now that I knew her... I didn’t want to forget about our pleasant banter.
However what I was really interested in was Robyn. He was the young man who against all common sense cared about me. He had found me, brought me to help, and kept me constantly near him since them. All the receptionists knew him and allowed him to walk to my room alone. I was beginning to suspect he was over attached, which filled me with a joy I was completely unprepared for. The object of my observation glanced at both of us (our funny face war had only grown more intense) before rolling his eyes and flopping into his chair. I couldn’t help noticing he was smiling at us, even if it was twinged with exasperation. On a side note, the chair he was sitting in was the one he had placed at the side of my bed on his first visit to my private room, and I had refused allowing any hospital personnel move it.
“Nothing changes with you two, does it?” He asked, still and odd mix of exasperation and contentment. Mizu shrugged in the middle of her newest face and moved off to sit down on the bed next to mine.
“I tried to be nice, but you know how he is...” She complained. I said nothing and let Mizu and Robyn make polite conversation for a few minutes. Mizu ended up moving on to my bed and sat cross-legged at the head of the bed to accommodate her.
After a few moments of uncomfortable silence Robyn looked me in the eyes, his liquid brown orbs serious. I think he’s serious about everything he does, even making jokes.
“You hardly ever talk seriously, Asura. What are you going to do when you leave here?” He asked. I sighed. The problem with serious people is they want everyone to be like them. Especially about abstract things like the future.
I’d broken several interstellar laws when I told both my companions where I was from, and now I appeared to be paying for it. Mizu had surprised me with a similar confession. I was stunned a place like Carrotopia could produce someone so naive, so fundamentally pure as Mizu. It was predetermined of Carrotopian-born people to be jaded, so already I suspected her home. It seemed even an environment as putrid as my home planet couldn’t corrupt her, although I didn’t doubt it tried. But enough about that- I assume both my friends are worried I was going off to resume my life as an assassin.
“Leave.” I responded. This just about explained everything for me, because it was as far as I had thought ahead. I had assumed after I healed things would go back to the way they were- I needed money. More than that, I was comfortable with it. Mizu winced, and Robyn looked shocked.
“But why?” He asked, in an almost-shout. I closed my eyes against his sorrow. How could I not leave? Kyuubi haunted me in this place. Everywhere I could hear his death rattle, a thousand times exaggerated. In every mirror I saw his lifeless eyes, even before they glazed over with physical death. All because I had murdered him through that woman.
“I have some things I have to do.” Of all the people dead, I have only killed one person.
I hate it when I’m forced to be serious.
“I know you must have some important things to do, but wouldn’t you consider coming back to stay with us?” Robyn uttered. Suddenly I had options, I didn’t have to leave these people forever. “. . . with me.” He finished softly. My mind was a mass of confusion, fear and sorrow and other things I didn’t quite recognize.
“Perhaps...” I whispered. I didn’t have to go back to being simply me. I could be part of these people. I could be part of Robyn’s life. Kyuubi was dying again behind my eyelids, but suddenly he was buried under the weeping willow tree. I tried to grasp why.
I looked outwards at the faces, honestly happy faces. They were happy because I might not leave them.
I looked at myself. Three months ago I would never have spoken to such wholesome people, let alone considered doing anything to make them happy. I would have chosen my next action on a whim, or on my current needs. I could feel the effects of Kyuubi reaching out of the grave, trying to tell me something. I smiled a small, bittersweet smile.
He’s trying to tell me about... “...friends.” I stated. I had called them such, but I think now I understand the meaning of the word much better. These were my friends, and I wanted to stay with them. Because they wanted me to- I wanted to. It was a lovely little circle. Mizu and Robyn exchanged glances.
“What?” Mizu said.
“Friends. I recognize this has nothing to do with the current conversation, but I understand them now. I can understand what it means to acknowledge other humans as friends.” I said. I was glad now that Kyuubi and myself had fought. I pushed aside any doubt and smiled at my two friends.
“I would like to stay with you on Earth.” I said clearly. Mizu raised an eyebrow at me, but Robyn smiled happily at me. I couldn’t help smiling back. Without warning Robyn leaned past Mizu and embraced me. I hugged him back with all the strength I could, hoping this moment wouldn’t end. Kyuubi’s cold red eyes stared past me while I wished I had found these people sooner.
“I should probably get dressed now...” I said softly. Robyn eventually leg go and smiled again at me. He looked like an angel descended from heaven to help the sinners, and I couldn’t help feeling I didn’t deserve it.
“I’ll meet you at the south entrance, okay?” He said happily. I don’t think I could have summoned the air to answer, so I nodded. Robyn walked out and I watched him go, eyes half-lidded and only slightly dreamy. Mizu was still here, and as I reached for my clothes she said,
“You know, once you’ve opened your heart to people, it won’t be long before they claim a bit of their own.” I stared at her.
“I would like to change alone.” I said tonelessly. I don’t know what it would have sounded like otherwise. Mizu shrugged.
“Fair enough.” She said while walking out.
I distracted myself with examining my clothes until a few moments after Mizu had shut the door. Time did an odd back flip while I stared at the familiar cloth. My trench coat was just as I remembered it, I noted as I ran my finger lightly over the fabric and felt it catch tiny bits of skin. I pulled on a black muscle shirt of undeterminable origin. Unlike me, the thing could have been made anywhere. I couldn’t help returning to the moment I’d killed Kyuubi’s lover, the way his eyes had softened when he saw her, then the terrible instant when all feeling had been lost from the assassin.
After I had pulled on the cargo pants, I fingered the many pockets that I had bought it for. And unlike jeans, they were practical. I had seen a pair of tight-fitting jeans in a store once and tried them on. They weren’t even worth stealing, although it would have been quite easy to escape out of the store with them on. The impracticality of the things boggled my mind- not to mention the fact I had lost all blood import to my crotch in a shocking 5 seconds flat.
Slowly I pulled on my trench coat. I absolutely hate this coat, which is why I keep it. I think I tried to explain it to Mizu once when she commented on it during her lunch break. She asked me why I refused to allow it to be thrown out- not even the most dedicated washing machine could get out some of the stains. I spooned a bit of questionable soup into my mouth while I considered answering, just to annoy her. Finally I responded because the color was heinous. Mizu looked confused, so I attempted to elaborate. I had never seen a shade of green that could be described as heinous, so I wasn’t about to lose it. I had believed there wasn’t such a color as the monstrous bastard child of yellow, green and brown, and if I didn’t keep it I might not believe it ever again. Somewhere along the way it just became my favorite coat. She now looked even more confused, so I finally just pacified her by saying it was my only coat.
I smiled to myself. After that Mizu had huffed off, satisfied she finally understood.
I checked my pockets just for old time’s sake, knowing there was nothing of mine in them. That had all be confiscated at my arrest.
Somehow, as my thoughts always did, I started thinking about Robyn. I seemed to be doing that far to much and I wondered if it was cause for concern. Ever since I’d met him I’d felt the stirrings of lust. That never bothered me, as I was quite used to screwing around with my own sex. That and the lust didn’t require an outlet right away.
Want it? Obviously. But not require. Not really.
The problem was that wasn’t the end of it. All twisted up with the lust was unexplainable emotional trauma. His mere presence elicited joy such I have never felt before. His absence brought constant worry- of all things I was petrified he wouldn’t return. Once when Robyn’s lovely brown eyes watered I wanted to take him in my arms. He aroused a protectiveness in my that was a constant worry, but even that was a different sort of worry. It felt vaguely under my control, unlike the rest of my mind. I don’t recall ever feeling anything this strongly. The focus a job used to bring was like dreaming through wax paper in comparison. I fancied my eyes near sparkled when Robyn was near. Somehow I still carried the silly notion that Robyn was an angel, too.
The comment about my eyes brought Kyuubi’s eyes back into my thought. I wasn’t sure why he was still bugging me, because I already understood what he was telling me. Which was creepy as hell, because dead people don’t talk. Against my will I remembered again the way Kyuubi’s eyes faded, relived that moment which was his death. I growled at nothing.
Why wouldn’t he leave me alone? I saw myself standing in his place, and suddenly I understood. Now I knew...
Was I really that much like him? Did it take so little to kill me, shatter my heart? After transferring myself, it wasn’t too hard to place Robyn in the woman’s place.
I didn’t realized the pathetic whimpering was coming from me until I stopped. Oh yes. I could become the same listless creature as Kyuubi had been if I lost him.
So I ran.
Out of the hospital- off the planet.
Here. Where I’m still running. I’ve been avoided everything that reminds me of Earth and therefore Robyn. He is the embodiment of the children angels of that planet. Yet it was impossible to avoid him because everything reminded me of him. Everything reminded me of the pain I had given to him when he realized I wasn’t coming. Call me arrogant, but I knew without actually saying anything that Robyn would be crushed by that.
For a few seconds I always tried to pretend I was here alone for his safety. In practice this was true enough, I’m sure there are plenty of people who would love me dead. But against the jury in my head that theory never lasts. I can’t bullshit myself, unfortunately. I know if I really worried about his health I should be standing right next to him.
I remembered Kyuubi’s words then, and I knew I was here because I was scared. I was crouching in an alley hoping Robyn wouldn’t find me because I knew how important he was to me.
To quote a dead men- he’s my reason for existing. If he ever died I wouldn’t be able to stand living. If he ever hurt me on purpose I would be dead within the hour.
I’ve never been so defenseless towards another human being. This wasn’t something I could train away either. The power Robyn held over me, even unknowingly... He was holding be over a chasm, and if he ever let me go... I tried not to think to long of Kyuubi.
I felt so disgusting crouched in the alley muck. I had run the first time from my emotions. I’ve never excepted emotions as a valid action in my mind. They were dangerous and frightening on a normal scale. However nothing was ever normal around Robyn, this much I remembered.
After around three months of jobs, booze and sleep, the intense sorrow and longing I felt for Robyn conjoined in the back of my head and slowly ate away my thoughts. It was as if someone had pored acid into my ear, but I was growing used to the pain in stretches. Or I was dying and the lack of pain was actually my life-giving systems slowing failing. Either way, it wasn’t really living. Through all this, I never once took a lover.
Even standing in the strained, booze-soaked streets of Lemon, when I heard Robyn’s sweet voice call my name, he cut through the sounds of easy pleasure like an angelic chorus. I felt so horrible for running the first time, I ran from the thunderbolt I knew I deserved. Funny how much easier it was to run once I was already running. I suppose there wasn’t much further into hell I could sink.
Robyn’s voice called again, despairing. Finally he stopped calling, and I fancied I could hear him turn to enter the bar I had just exited.
Painfully I closed my eyes. All the pieces were laid out in front of me. Mizu’s anger at my disappearance. Robyn’s despair. My own defenselessness shrank back. In light of their feelings, was my life really that important. If Robyn was my reason for living, shouldn’t I treat him as such.
These thoughts, and countless others fount within me. In the end I saw again Kyuubi. I didn’t want to think of him, because I had discovered long ago that regardless of the physical outcome of our battle, the winner was determined by what I did. Would I choose my own lifestyle, or the one Kyuubi had showed me. Eventually I surrendered to memory. He was flying in front of my, slashing away with his sword. His eyes glowed red in the night like some evil creature.
He was alive.
Because she was.
And he accepted this, took it in stride. Loved it.
Why can’t I?
I looked up at the stars. I remember one night Robyn stayed much later than usual with me, until the sun had set and her children had come to play in the sky. We both sat by the window as Robyn told me about his love of this glittering lights high above us. I remember thinking how much better it was seeing them with him, instead of alone under the weeping willow tree.
It wasn’t so much a decision as it was a realization. An immeasurable feeling of lightness came over me as I walked out of the alley.
Like Kyuubi, I wood die someday. And nothing posed a more dangerous threat to my survival than Robyn’s wellbeing. He held my heartstrings and I felt them move within me.
But these feelings wouldn’t go away if I hid, if I ran. I knew that now, because they hadn’t. In some strange way, they continued to grow, pulling ever harder at me. I smiled as I walked back into the bar. The small man in the corner was still playing on his eye-catching guitar, but the music didn’t haunt my ears now.
I know, as Kyuubi knew, that it is worth it. Every second I spend near Robyn will be worth my end, and his end also. Such moments are unbearably short and everlasting.
As I tapped Robyn on the shoulder, I was reminded of how clumsy he is. I look forward to seeing him trip a thousand times.
And when he turned to see me, his eyes laced with tears, I whispered.
“I am here now. I will be for as long as you need me.”
Funny that it had taken me just about a year to realize my defeat.

THE END

Description
Haunting: Conclusion

Mizu smirked at me over her clipboard. She started saying,
“Looks like you’re all set to be released today, Ah-”
“Last name.” I murmured absently.
“-sshole.” She finished. I didn’t bother to look up, but even I couldn’t help smirking.
“Minus five points for your bedside manner.” I deadpanned. Over the past couple weeks trial and error taught me the most effective tone was none at all. A jolt of pain shot up my right arm. Finally I glanced up, the pain already starting to fade into an obnoxious after-image. As usual the redhead had smacked the nearest appendage, which was currently my pale right arm. I looked at her with a combination of patheticness and annoyance. It didn’t take to long for her to gasp.
“Oh, I’m so sorry Cale!” She said, and I knew she meant it. I shrugged.
“Don’t worry about it- I won’t beat you senseless until I’m released.” I said calmly. Mizu tensed and I playfully winced. She decided to simply stick out her tongue at me. I stuck mine out at her, and Robyn opened the door to my room.
For a few more hours I would have a private room at the hospital. Not long after hearing Mizu’s comment on my financial state I rectified it. I always carried some money with me for such emergencies, but it seemed the justice system had gone through my clothing very well. All I had were several pieces of paper with numbers in the corner. When Mizu say a wad of them she said they would work just fine, so I was thankful I’d kept half of them hidden. Later my suspicions were confirmed when Mizu explained Earth currency. I’ve heard that Carrotopia usually deals in electronic money, but being on the lower end of society I was always paid in gold or other precious metals. Since then I had my own room and by request was always treated by Mizu. She wasn’t the ideal nurse, but I didn’t like people. Now that I knew her... I didn’t want to forget about our pleasant banter.
However what I was really interested in was Robyn. He was the young man who against all common sense cared about me. He had found me, brought me to help, and kept me constantly near him since them. All the receptionists knew him and allowed him to walk to my room alone. I was beginning to suspect he was over attached, which filled me with a joy I was completely unprepared for. The object of my observation glanced at both of us (our funny face war had only grown more intense) before rolling his eyes and flopping into his chair. I couldn’t help noticing he was smiling at us, even if it was twinged with exasperation. On a side note, the chair he was sitting in was the one he had placed at the side of my bed on his first visit to my private room, and I had refused allowing any hospital personnel move it.
“Nothing changes with you two, does it?” He asked, still and odd mix of exasperation and contentment. Mizu shrugged in the middle of her newest face and moved off to sit down on the bed next to mine.
“I tried to be nice, but you know how he is...” She complained. I said nothing and let Mizu and Robyn make polite conversation for a few minutes. Mizu ended up moving on to my bed and sat cross-legged at the head of the bed to accommodate her.
After a few moments of uncomfortable silence Robyn looked me in the eyes, his liquid brown orbs serious. I think he’s serious about everything he does, even making jokes.
“You hardly ever talk seriously, Asura. What are you going to do when you leave here?” He asked. I sighed. The problem with serious people is they want everyone to be like them. Especially about abstract things like the future.
I’d broken several interstellar laws when I told both my companions where I was from, and now I appeared to be paying for it. Mizu had surprised me with a similar confession. I was stunned a place like Carrotopia could produce someone so naive, so fundamentally pure as Mizu. It was predetermined of Carrotopian-born people to be jaded, so already I suspected her home. It seemed even an environment as putrid as my home planet couldn’t corrupt her, although I didn’t doubt it tried. But enough about that- I assume both my friends are worried I was going off to resume my life as an assassin.
“Leave.” I responded. This just about explained everything for me, because it was as far as I had thought ahead. I had assumed after I healed things would go back to the way they were- I needed money. More than that, I was comfortable with it. Mizu winced, and Robyn looked shocked.
“But why?” He asked, in an almost-shout. I closed my eyes against his sorrow. How could I not leave? Kyuubi haunted me in this place. Everywhere I could hear his death rattle, a thousand times exaggerated. In every mirror I saw his lifeless eyes, even before they glazed over with physical death. All because I had murdered him through that woman.
“I have some things I have to do.” Of all the people dead, I have only killed one person.
I hate it when I’m forced to be serious.
“I know you must have some important things to do, but wouldn’t you consider coming back to stay with us?” Robyn uttered. Suddenly I had options, I didn’t have to leave these people forever. “. . . with me.” He finished softly. My mind was a mass of confusion, fear and sorrow and other things I didn’t quite recognize.
“Perhaps...” I whispered. I didn’t have to go back to being simply me. I could be part of these people. I could be part of Robyn’s life. Kyuubi was dying again behind my eyelids, but suddenly he was buried under the weeping willow tree. I tried to grasp why.
I looked outwards at the faces, honestly happy faces. They were happy because I might not leave them.
I looked at myself. Three months ago I would never have spoken to such wholesome people, let alone considered doing anything to make them happy. I would have chosen my next action on a whim, or on my current needs. I could feel the effects of Kyuubi reaching out of the grave, trying to tell me something. I smiled a small, bittersweet smile.
He’s trying to tell me about... “...friends.” I stated. I had called them such, but I think now I understand the meaning of the word much better. These were my friends, and I wanted to stay with them. Because they wanted me to- I wanted to. It was a lovely little circle. Mizu and Robyn exchanged glances.
“What?” Mizu said.
“Friends. I recognize this has nothing to do with the current conversation, but I understand them now. I can understand what it means to acknowledge other humans as friends.” I said. I was glad now that Kyuubi and myself had fought. I pushed aside any doubt and smiled at my two friends.
“I would like to stay with you on Earth.” I said clearly. Mizu raised an eyebrow at me, but Robyn smiled happily at me. I couldn’t help smiling back. Without warning Robyn leaned past Mizu and embraced me. I hugged him back with all the strength I could, hoping this moment wouldn’t end. Kyuubi’s cold red eyes stared past me while I wished I had found these people sooner.
“I should probably get dressed now...” I said softly. Robyn eventually leg go and smiled again at me. He looked like an angel descended from heaven to help the sinners, and I couldn’t help feeling I didn’t deserve it.
“I’ll meet you at the south entrance, okay?” He said happily. I don’t think I could have summoned the air to answer, so I nodded. Robyn walked out and I watched him go, eyes half-lidded and only slightly dreamy. Mizu was still here, and as I reached for my clothes she said,
“You know, once you’ve opened your heart to people, it won’t be long before they claim a bit of their own.” I stared at her.
“I would like to change alone.” I said tonelessly. I don’t know what it would have sounded like otherwise. Mizu shrugged.
“Fair enough.” She said while walking out.
I distracted myself with examining my clothes until a few moments after Mizu had shut the door. Time did an odd back flip while I stared at the familiar cloth. My trench coat was just as I remembered it, I noted as I ran my finger lightly over the fabric and felt it catch tiny bits of skin. I pulled on a black muscle shirt of undeterminable origin. Unlike me, the thing could have been made anywhere. I couldn’t help returning to the moment I’d killed Kyuubi’s lover, the way his eyes had softened when he saw her, then the terrible instant when all feeling had been lost from the assassin.
After I had pulled on the cargo pants, I fingered the many pockets that I had bought it for. And unlike jeans, they were practical. I had seen a pair of tight-fitting jeans in a store once and tried them on. They weren’t even worth stealing, although it would have been quite easy to escape out of the store with them on. The impracticality of the things boggled my mind- not to mention the fact I had lost all blood import to my crotch in a shocking 5 seconds flat.
Slowly I pulled on my trench coat. I absolutely hate this coat, which is why I keep it. I think I tried to explain it to Mizu once when she commented on it during her lunch break. She asked me why I refused to allow it to be thrown out- not even the most dedicated washing machine could get out some of the stains. I spooned a bit of questionable soup into my mouth while I considered answering, just to annoy her. Finally I responded because the color was heinous. Mizu looked confused, so I attempted to elaborate. I had never seen a shade of green that could be described as heinous, so I wasn’t about to lose it. I had believed there wasn’t such a color as the monstrous bastard child of yellow, green and brown, and if I didn’t keep it I might not believe it ever again. Somewhere along the way it just became my favorite coat. She now looked even more confused, so I finally just pacified her by saying it was my only coat.
I smiled to myself. After that Mizu had huffed off, satisfied she finally understood.
I checked my pockets just for old time’s sake, knowing there was nothing of mine in them. That had all be confiscated at my arrest.
Somehow, as my thoughts always did, I started thinking about Robyn. I seemed to be doing that far to much and I wondered if it was cause for concern. Ever since I’d met him I’d felt the stirrings of lust. That never bothered me, as I was quite used to screwing around with my own sex. That and the lust didn’t require an outlet right away.
Want it? Obviously. But not require. Not really.
The problem was that wasn’t the end of it. All twisted up with the lust was unexplainable emotional trauma. His mere presence elicited joy such I have never felt before. His absence brought constant worry- of all things I was petrified he wouldn’t return. Once when Robyn’s lovely brown eyes watered I wanted to take him in my arms. He aroused a protectiveness in my that was a constant worry, but even that was a different sort of worry. It felt vaguely under my control, unlike the rest of my mind. I don’t recall ever feeling anything this strongly. The focus a job used to bring was like dreaming through wax paper in comparison. I fancied my eyes near sparkled when Robyn was near. Somehow I still carried the silly notion that Robyn was an angel, too.
The comment about my eyes brought Kyuubi’s eyes back into my thought. I wasn’t sure why he was still bugging me, because I already understood what he was telling me. Which was creepy as hell, because dead people don’t talk. Against my will I remembered again the way Kyuubi’s eyes faded, relived that moment which was his death. I growled at nothing.
Why wouldn’t he leave me alone? I saw myself standing in his place, and suddenly I understood. Now I knew...
Was I really that much like him? Did it take so little to kill me, shatter my heart? After transferring myself, it wasn’t too hard to place Robyn in the woman’s place.
I didn’t realized the pathetic whimpering was coming from me until I stopped. Oh yes. I could become the same listless creature as Kyuubi had been if I lost him.
So I ran.
Out of the hospital- off the planet.
Here. Where I’m still running. I’ve been avoided everything that reminds me of Earth and therefore Robyn. He is the embodiment of the children angels of that planet. Yet it was impossible to avoid him because everything reminded me of him. Everything reminded me of the pain I had given to him when he realized I wasn’t coming. Call me arrogant, but I knew without actually saying anything that Robyn would be crushed by that.
For a few seconds I always tried to pretend I was here alone for his safety. In practice this was true enough, I’m sure there are plenty of people who would love me dead. But against the jury in my head that theory never lasts. I can’t bullshit myself, unfortunately. I know if I really worried about his health I should be standing right next to him.
I remembered Kyuubi’s words then, and I knew I was here because I was scared. I was crouching in an alley hoping Robyn wouldn’t find me because I knew how important he was to me.
To quote a dead men- he’s my reason for existing. If he ever died I wouldn’t be able to stand living. If he ever hurt me on purpose I would be dead within the hour.
I’ve never been so defenseless towards another human being. This wasn’t something I could train away either. The power Robyn held over me, even unknowingly... He was holding be over a chasm, and if he ever let me go... I tried not to think to long of Kyuubi.
I felt so disgusting crouched in the alley muck. I had run the first time from my emotions. I’ve never excepted emotions as a valid action in my mind. They were dangerous and frightening on a normal scale. However nothing was ever normal around Robyn, this much I remembered.
After around three months of jobs, booze and sleep, the intense sorrow and longing I felt for Robyn conjoined in the back of my head and slowly ate away my thoughts. It was as if someone had pored acid into my ear, but I was growing used to the pain in stretches. Or I was dying and the lack of pain was actually my life-giving systems slowing failing. Either way, it wasn’t really living. Through all this, I never once took a lover.
Even standing in the strained, booze-soaked streets of Lemon, when I heard Robyn’s sweet voice call my name, he cut through the sounds of easy pleasure like an angelic chorus. I felt so horrible for running the first time, I ran from the thunderbolt I knew I deserved. Funny how much easier it was to run once I was already running. I suppose there wasn’t much further into hell I could sink.
Robyn’s voice called again, despairing. Finally he stopped calling, and I fancied I could hear him turn to enter the bar I had just exited.
Painfully I closed my eyes. All the pieces were laid out in front of me. Mizu’s anger at my disappearance. Robyn’s despair. My own defenselessness shrank back. In light of their feelings, was my life really that important. If Robyn was my reason for living, shouldn’t I treat him as such.
These thoughts, and countless others fount within me. In the end I saw again Kyuubi. I didn’t want to think of him, because I had discovered long ago that regardless of the physical outcome of our battle, the winner was determined by what I did. Would I choose my own lifestyle, or the one Kyuubi had showed me. Eventually I surrendered to memory. He was flying in front of my, slashing away with his sword. His eyes glowed red in the night like some evil creature.
He was alive.
Because she was.
And he accepted this, took it in stride. Loved it.
Why can’t I?
I looked up at the stars. I remember one night Robyn stayed much later than usual with me, until the sun had set and her children had come to play in the sky. We both sat by the window as Robyn told me about his love of this glittering lights high above us. I remember thinking how much better it was seeing them with him, instead of alone under the weeping willow tree.
It wasn’t so much a decision as it was a realization. An immeasurable feeling of lightness came over me as I walked out of the alley.
Like Kyuubi, I wood die someday. And nothing posed a more dangerous threat to my survival than Robyn’s wellbeing. He held my heartstrings and I felt them move within me.
But these feelings wouldn’t go away if I hid, if I ran. I knew that now, because they hadn’t. In some strange way, they continued to grow, pulling ever harder at me. I smiled as I walked back into the bar. The small man in the corner was still playing on his eye-catching guitar, but the music didn’t haunt my ears now.
I know, as Kyuubi knew, that it is worth it. Every second I spend near Robyn will be worth my end, and his end also. Such moments are unbearably short and everlasting.
As I tapped Robyn on the shoulder, I was reminded of how clumsy he is. I look forward to seeing him trip a thousand times.
And when he turned to see me, his eyes laced with tears, I whispered.
“I am here now. I will be for as long as you need me.”
Funny that it had taken me just about a year to realize my defeat.

THE END