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poo-stinker — The Wild Neckbeard

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Published: 2021-02-06 00:19:21 +0000 UTC; Views: 5058; Favourites: 62; Downloads: 1
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Description (Deformerana obesus)

    The Wild Neckbeard is a large, derived relative of the South American Horned Frogs. At eight inches long and five pounds in weight, it is an utterly massive anuran, a raw mass of immeasurable magnitude. More interesting yet is the Neckbeard's unique behaviors and life history:

    The Wild Neckbeard spends most of its time residing deep within its lair, a small, damp burrow it excavates with its fatty forelimbs. Zoologists have discovered large piles of feces stacked near the entrance to many neckbeard burrows, which we believe to be an attempt to deter predators. Another anti-predator strategy is the neckbeard's naturally slouched, low-slung posture, allowing it to avoid eye contact with other animals. Due to their sluggish nature and slow movements, the neckbeards are regularly hunted by larger, chadlier animals.
    
    Shy, solitary creatures, the neckbeards emerge only to feed. They are so lethargic that they will not even leave their burrows to mate, instead waiting for a female to come for them. Unfortunately, the females are generally repulsed by the male neckbeard's enlarged throat filaments and rancid stench, meaning this unique species survives predominantly through parthenogenesis.

    These magnificent anurans derive their common name from the extensive growths of hair-like filaments that grow over their lips and throat. Originally interpreted as sensory organs, the "beards" are also used to attract mates, though to little avail. As for their use as sensors, the "beards" allow these ambush predators to detect even the slightest movements of nearby prey. A ravenous predator by nature, the Wild Neckbeard will eat anything that moves and even things that do not. Captive specimens have been observed to relish Cheetos and microwave burritos. It is believed that their insatiable appetite is spurred by an unstable food supply in nature, but even wild neckbeards' body masses are 70% stored fat. Perhaps these nutrient-rich layers allow the neckbeard to root itself to the ground, anchored to its burrow by its own vast weight. This heavy weight may discourage predators from attacking the neckbeards, as a well-fed bull neckbeard is simply too large to move.

    It is apparent that the breeding season of the Wild Neckbeard is year-round, with the males constantly in a state of hormone-fueled sexual rage. Studies have shown that the Wild Neckbeards take out this energy on various inanimate objects, including but not limited too: a plastic Iron Man action figure, various weeb stuff, and a Shrek bodypillow. Some studies even suggest that the creatures prefer these objects to their own species.

    As for its vocal abilities, the neckbeards generally are limited to grunts and wheezes. However, during the rainy season they have been recorded emitting low, deep croaks that sound as if they are saying "Reddit", "I have a small pee-pee", and "Call of Duty". The purpose of these odd vocalizations is unknown.
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