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Description
(Disclaimer: The following is a work of parody meant only for a few yucks, this is in no way to ever enter into any discussion of history or economics of which I know jack about, thank you and good day.)

The year was 1989 and the world was at war, cold only through the intensity at which the flames incinerated all hope for peace and prosperity for the world at large. America and the U.S.S.R, Capitalism and Communism, the Eagle and the Bear, locked in a deathly struggle brought on by the infamous Black Monday invasion, in which the Red Storm attempted to overtake the Red White and Blue during a moment of economic weakness.

The Russians had taken the Northeast, but had been stymied by good old fashioned American ingenuity and a liberal use of nuclear tactics (Nobody liked Newark anyway...although we don't know exactly /why/ we nuked Hollywood). However, the Reds soon revealed a super weapon to rival that of George Lucas' (R.I.P) Death Star, a moving fortress the likes of which had never been seen before...

The bastards had weaponized the Berlin Wall.

It rolled over our lines, destroyed the garrisons at Pittsburgh and Richmond in one fell swoop, consuming the buildings in its wake to fuel its mighty engine in some sort of satanic commie super science. And then the Wall, said to be piloted by the very twisted and wicked soul of Stalin himself, brought back through the necromancy recovered from the corpse of Grigori Rasputin, stopped at the city limits of Washington DC, all the heads of state, all the Chief Justices, all of Congress gone.

Except for one man.

Ronald Wilson Reagan.

Reagan looked upon the mobile fortress of the Wall as it descended upon the capitol of our great nation, the very symbol of communism, Karl Marx, and Josef Stalin. It was a Gulag, Stalingrad, and the Kremlin all rolled up into one, its mighty guns trained on his singular figure, clad in Washington MK II powered armor and bearing the sigil of the bald eagle on its chest.

His lips curled up into a smile and he quipped a line straight out of one of decades great action films, "If that thing's anything like your hockey players, Ivan, this ain't gonna take long."

And the battle was joined.

Reagan dodged and dived, avoiding cannon fire that trashed landmarks precious to America's history.

The White House went first, then the Lincoln Monument, the Smithsonian, all fell to pieces beneath the might of the Communists' fire.

But Reagan was unscathed, the armor that cocooned him marred only by the dust of the collapsing buildings around him.

Finally there was nothing left, no cover, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, just Reagan facing down the might of the Reds as they loaded their cannons for one final salvo.

click...

The sound, so subtle, managed to ring out in the silence of the showdown. Reagan's admittedly grotesque features contorted into a smirk.

"Well well well," He said gruffly, "Looks like you got about as good an aim as John Hinckley Jr."

With every ounce of strength left in his frame, boosted a hundred fold by the armor, Reagan sprinted down Pennsylvania Avenue, the desperate small arms fire of the Red Shocktroopers on the battlements of the Wall bouncing harmless off his exoskeleton.

With a mighty leap, the President-nay, the God-Emperor of the United States, the consummate Capitalist, propelled himself towards the monstrous monument to Socialist Greed like a Rocket-Propelled Politician.

"MISTER GORBACHEV!" Reagan roared with the fury of an angry God, "YOUR WALL IS SHIT!"

And then his fist made contact with the carapace of the unholy machine, sending a shockwave right down to the reactor housing Stalin's twisted maniacal soul.

The next instant, the Berlin Wall shattered, the power of the strike reverberating throughout the world itself, filling Americans and all good and just Capitalists with the patriotic fervor and the evil vile Communists with the dread of complete and utter defeat.

Which is probably why they decided to say fuck it and launch the missles.

...We honestly forgot for a moment they had theirs too.

Armageddon fell across the world, the countries who had spent entire decades measuring their atomic dicks in comparison finally had to put up or shut up, and put up they did. It was rather like something out of a Loony Tunes cartoon, the world enveloped in a giant mushroom cloud, but it didn't simply crumble away to ash.

That would've been too merciful.

The world was a radioactive wasteland, those who hadn't mutated into creatures that the devil himself had nightmares of were left to wander the wastes as feral raiders, no civilization had survived the devastation...

'cept China...fucking assholes.

America had been foolish and lax in its treatment of the Commie menace, focused on defeating the Ruskies, we had never even batted an eyelash at the Chinese launching a mockery of our planned 'Star Wars' program except our mighty leader making a quip about its inevitable failure due to it being 'Made in China'. We hadn't counted on it working, we hadn't counted on them being prepared.

In an Oriental Blitzkrieg, the Chinese Empire enveloped the atomic earth in a surge of Imperialistic might. All resistance was futile, any pockets eradicated by a mix of socialist efficiency and Sun Tzu-ian tactics.

Communism had won, the world ran Red with the hot-blood of Capitalists, the Chinese were undisputed masters of the world...

Or were they?

From the wreckage of Washington, came forth a being from that had been born of the surge of pure Capitalism that had permeated the world, intermixed with the radiation of the nuclear apocalypse.

It was a beast apart, the one true force of Americana remaining in a world of Communist Anarchy.

He was invincible...

He was unscrupulous...

He was the last true capitalist...

He was...

THE BERLIN WALRUS

Description
(Disclaimer: The following is a work of parody meant only for a few yucks, this is in no way to ever enter into any discussion of history or economics of which I know jack about, thank you and good day.)

The year was 1989 and the world was at war, cold only through the intensity at which the flames incinerated all hope for peace and prosperity for the world at large. America and the U.S.S.R, Capitalism and Communism, the Eagle and the Bear, locked in a deathly struggle brought on by the infamous Black Monday invasion, in which the Red Storm attempted to overtake the Red White and Blue during a moment of economic weakness.

The Russians had taken the Northeast, but had been stymied by good old fashioned American ingenuity and a liberal use of nuclear tactics (Nobody liked Newark anyway...although we don't know exactly /why/ we nuked Hollywood). However, the Reds soon revealed a super weapon to rival that of George Lucas' (R.I.P) Death Star, a moving fortress the likes of which had never been seen before...

The bastards had weaponized the Berlin Wall.

It rolled over our lines, destroyed the garrisons at Pittsburgh and Richmond in one fell swoop, consuming the buildings in its wake to fuel its mighty engine in some sort of satanic commie super science. And then the Wall, said to be piloted by the very twisted and wicked soul of Stalin himself, brought back through the necromancy recovered from the corpse of Grigori Rasputin, stopped at the city limits of Washington DC, all the heads of state, all the Chief Justices, all of Congress gone.

Except for one man.

Ronald Wilson Reagan.

Reagan looked upon the mobile fortress of the Wall as it descended upon the capitol of our great nation, the very symbol of communism, Karl Marx, and Josef Stalin. It was a Gulag, Stalingrad, and the Kremlin all rolled up into one, its mighty guns trained on his singular figure, clad in Washington MK II powered armor and bearing the sigil of the bald eagle on its chest.

His lips curled up into a smile and he quipped a line straight out of one of decades great action films, "If that thing's anything like your hockey players, Ivan, this ain't gonna take long."

And the battle was joined.

Reagan dodged and dived, avoiding cannon fire that trashed landmarks precious to America's history.

The White House went first, then the Lincoln Monument, the Smithsonian, all fell to pieces beneath the might of the Communists' fire.

But Reagan was unscathed, the armor that cocooned him marred only by the dust of the collapsing buildings around him.

Finally there was nothing left, no cover, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, just Reagan facing down the might of the Reds as they loaded their cannons for one final salvo.

click...

The sound, so subtle, managed to ring out in the silence of the showdown. Reagan's admittedly grotesque features contorted into a smirk.

"Well well well," He said gruffly, "Looks like you got about as good an aim as John Hinckley Jr."

With every ounce of strength left in his frame, boosted a hundred fold by the armor, Reagan sprinted down Pennsylvania Avenue, the desperate small arms fire of the Red Shocktroopers on the battlements of the Wall bouncing harmless off his exoskeleton.

With a mighty leap, the President-nay, the God-Emperor of the United States, the consummate Capitalist, propelled himself towards the monstrous monument to Socialist Greed like a Rocket-Propelled Politician.

"MISTER GORBACHEV!" Reagan roared with the fury of an angry God, "YOUR WALL IS SHIT!"

And then his fist made contact with the carapace of the unholy machine, sending a shockwave right down to the reactor housing Stalin's twisted maniacal soul.

The next instant, the Berlin Wall shattered, the power of the strike reverberating throughout the world itself, filling Americans and all good and just Capitalists with the patriotic fervor and the evil vile Communists with the dread of complete and utter defeat.

Which is probably why they decided to say fuck it and launch the missles.

...We honestly forgot for a moment they had theirs too.

Armageddon fell across the world, the countries who had spent entire decades measuring their atomic dicks in comparison finally had to put up or shut up, and put up they did. It was rather like something out of a Loony Tunes cartoon, the world enveloped in a giant mushroom cloud, but it didn't simply crumble away to ash.

That would've been too merciful.

The world was a radioactive wasteland, those who hadn't mutated into creatures that the devil himself had nightmares of were left to wander the wastes as feral raiders, no civilization had survived the devastation...

'cept China...fucking assholes.

America had been foolish and lax in its treatment of the Commie menace, focused on defeating the Ruskies, we had never even batted an eyelash at the Chinese launching a mockery of our planned 'Star Wars' program except our mighty leader making a quip about its inevitable failure due to it being 'Made in China'. We hadn't counted on it working, we hadn't counted on them being prepared.

In an Oriental Blitzkrieg, the Chinese Empire enveloped the atomic earth in a surge of Imperialistic might. All resistance was futile, any pockets eradicated by a mix of socialist efficiency and Sun Tzu-ian tactics.

Communism had won, the world ran Red with the hot-blood of Capitalists, the Chinese were undisputed masters of the world...

Or were they?

From the wreckage of Washington, came forth a being from that had been born of the surge of pure Capitalism that had permeated the world, intermixed with the radiation of the nuclear apocalypse.

It was a beast apart, the one true force of Americana remaining in a world of Communist Anarchy.

He was invincible...

He was unscrupulous...

He was the last true capitalist...

He was...

THE BERLIN WALRUS