Comments: 6
AshBadger [2010-04-27 01:25:37 +0000 UTC]
actual crit comment:
"The wolf stood up and laughed at the smaller sprite. Her sword changed in to a small handheld piece of steel. Syn recognized the new weapon. "Run!" she barked to her friends. Her opponent pointed the gun at Lon, who didn't move.
An explosion echoed in the clearing, and the vixen screamed in agony. She dragged the two Guards into the nearby woods. "What was that?" Journey's voice shook with fear."
the transition is akward here. Either NoMoon's aim sucks(aims at lon, hits vixen) oooorr... something happened, that isn't shown.
and that's all i got <3
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queenwoofy In reply to AshBadger [2010-04-27 01:51:01 +0000 UTC]
kk. well ill fix it later. i know what i want, just didnt put it there.
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AshBadger [2010-04-26 20:44:39 +0000 UTC]
<3
it's very good alana! I enjoyed reading it. The oly thing that kindof threw me off is the last thing leah says. It's just a little awkwardly worded. Not both are not welcomed here... Niether of you are welcomed here rolls off the tongue a bit better, to me anyways
strip fight for da win.
*goes back to re read cause she enjoyed it that much*
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queenwoofy In reply to AshBadger [2010-04-27 01:50:30 +0000 UTC]
it was a typo...ill fix it later
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