HOME | DD
ravenvalentine — Drowning
Published: 2004-12-10 11:01:15 +0000 UTC; Views: 295; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 15
Redirect to original
Description
Let me be meStop pretending to be clean
Stop showing me your wealth
I don't need them.
Dont need your help
I'll save myself this time
The darkness I was in
Protected me from you.
Now you'll be destroyed
I don't give a damn anyway
Your soul will be lost forever in
This emptiness that drowned me.
Related content
Comments: 37
i like it!
but it's quite vague
one of the basic rules in poetry writing:
show, don't tell
hehe 
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
i like it!
but it's quite vague
one of the basic rules in poetry writing:
show, don't tell
hehe
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
hmm...
ok, ill take that to heart
ill remember that!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
see, i found it hard to criticise because i really couldnt believe it was your first poem! Its v.good, spec for it being your first one! Keep it coming!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
hehe, im not really into poetry, im more on prose.
im a plain describer and that, they say is what prevents me from being a poet.
thanks btw!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Nice...I can't give you much critique though. It's hard to do that with poetry.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Nice...I can't give you much critique though. It's hard to do that with poetry.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
hehe, thats ok.
im actually not striving to be good at poetry, just giving it some tries...
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Hmmm... Parang kilala ko kung sino gusto mong sabihan nyan a!!! Ayos lang naman yung gawa mo e... Cge keep up the good work!!! †
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
thanks...
ikaw naman o, kelan ka ba nagonline??
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Whoo...very emoitional..I se someone already got the bit about the them thing so..I have nothing else to say....Short but good....
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
hehehehe, as ive said before, i tend to call inanimate objects as "them."...
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
SO??? I call my cusion "It" Because I feel like it....
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
hehe...
i tend to call my ballpen "her"...
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
LMAO!! that's great! I call my cat "Thing"........And that's not her name either..It's Jasmine for some very odd reason..I don't think I named her......Bah..i can't remember!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
hehe, its because my pens are always BLACK and it always writes as a girl...
you know, i meant narrate the story as a girl..
wait, i think that that didnt make much sense...
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Um..It kinda does....Kinda not........Writing from a girl's P.O.V is so much easier than a guy's cuz you never really know what they're thinking so you make them come out girly sometimes.......
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
hmm..
but one[i think]of my works is told from a guy's P.O.V...
oh i think two...
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
That's cool..I can't do that...period..I can write about guys from a girl's P.O.V. but that's about it....
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
all it takes is a lot of TORMENT...
get what i mean?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
uh..no...............lol
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
well, never mind, im not here to poison an innocent person's mind
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Right, I'll believe that when it snows 5 feet here.......Oh crap..you have two of those already....lol
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
"Stop showing me your wealth
I don't need them."
This doesn't make very much sense, who is 'them'?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
oh.
ive just noticed.
sorry for the error...
i should've used "it"...
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
OH! okay, that makes a lot more sense. (I love how other people can give you 'advanced critique' about poetic metaphors but overlook simple grammer mistakes 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
hehe, ive referred to inanimate objects as "them" rather that "it".
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Hiya. 
What you're expressing here is something I think everyone can relate to, and I know everyone who writes poetry has written about it. This, in and of itself, isn't a problem. There are only so many things to write about. The problem is that you're telling instead of showing. You've also used words like "soul" and "darkness," which tend to be overused in this context. The poem doesn't really pop; it doesn't set itself apart, you know?
Try approaching these emotions with imagery and metaphor in mind. The essence of poetry is using imagery and/as metaphor, and symbolism, to send a message without saying it outright. You want the ideas to be implied in the poem, not just stated. Challenge your reader, and yourself, to really think about the poem.
I don't know if that helps, I hope so. It's a leaping off point, I suppose.
Best of luck with your writing!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
hmm...
im not really a poet...
its just that i just felt writing some poetry now and then.
i never really intended to become good at that..
well, anyways, i can apply that to my prose...
i tend to tell it on first person point of view, and then..
well, its my style...
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
There's nothing wrong with writing in the first person. You can do that and still use things like metaphor. I was just trying to give you some basics, but prose can also be improved with rich details & images.
Good luck with your writing.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
The darkness I was in
Protected me from you.
I love those two lines 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Nice poem, narerecall ko yun past ko sa mga friends ko na abusers and users 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
hehehe, ganyan nmn tlga ako ehh.
kakabanas na rin kasi...
👍: 0 ⏩: 0