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Red-Jello β The Pick-Up Line
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Published: 2010-09-23 02:28:57 +0000 UTC; Views: 96; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 0
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Description
The young woman flipped her hair over her shoulder and laughed at a joke one of her friends had told and caught the guy looking at her again. He'd been watching her all night, and it was starting to piss her off. She had clearly told him she wasn't interested, but a few drinks later and he was still there.Β Β The music was pulsating and the lights hypnotising, but she could still feel his eyes boring into her from across the room.A few minutes later she turned around to see him standing there, looming over her. He smelt heavily of alcohol and sweat, but the whole place did so she didn't notice it right away. He grinned, not too intoxicated yet.
"Hey darling," he drawled, slightly slurred.
"Hello," she said through gritted teeth.
"Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is that Elvis over there?" he asked, pointing to an empty corner.
She grabbed his arm and dug her nails in. "Oh God, you can see him too?" she demanded, eyes wide and pleading, pulling off the scared girl very well.
He blinked, uncomprehending for a moment, before pulling away looking at her like she was crazy. She turned away waiting to drop the act until she'd lost him in the crowd and re-joined her friends.
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Comments: 6
I'm not very good at advice but that was funny! lol I say brilliant, I didn't think it was going to go that way xD
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*laughs* I actually really like it as it is. It's humorous, and filled with a dark irony. I love how she plays along with his pick-up line, although to be honest, I've never heard of that one before. Excellent work!
However, a suggestion: you don't need the semicolons in the last two sentences. They make that part of the piece seem stilted, disjointed. Take the semicolons out. The sentences work just fine without them.
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The pick-up line I discovered on a list of the top 10 worst pickup lines. If I can find it again I'll link to it in the description (if I can figure out how to).
And thanks, I removed them. I don't remember why I put them in... unless it was the spellchecker. I'm waay to reliant on that thing.
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*laughs* alright, no worries. ^.^
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