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Description
It's kind of sad, when people see you and immediately think you're the toughest thing alive. What's even more sad is when on the outside you appear cold and able, but inside you're doing everything to keep your heart from screaming, doing everything to keep from simply putting the gun to your head and getting it all over with. It's not anything fun. But then again, it's not like I'm all innocent and long lashes either. Don't forget that. I have a dark side too. It's merely...something that...after all the years and everything I've gone through, something that keeps me alive. The fact that when that darkness is so complete and suffocating that all I can do is use it, is what makes me 'evil'. When it hurt so much that I wanted to cry, but couldn't, because crying was a sign of weakness to everyone...I simply turned to that darkness...using it was very dangerous.... Results were always good for Smokey though. Of course, the people involved usually ended up dead, but then again, I never had been employee of the month. So, at the moment I'm standing in front of Melissa Scully's grave. Her death...is one thing I feel truly guilty about, there are several others, but they're to personal to share...no safety in my own thoughts.... When I had turned her body over, and seen it wasn't Little Miss Ice Queen, I had felt my heart, my cold, cold heart, stop. An innocent, I had never had any qualms about killing an innocent before, so why did THIS pain me so? With an angered sigh I kicked at some weeds at the ground, shoving my hands into my jacket pockets, it was winter now, and so very cold. I wrinkled my nose as my eyes began to sting. No, I hadn't cried in so long, don't let me cry now.... But a choked sob escaped my throat anyway, there was no point in trying to control it, the sobs simply kept escaping me. Until I collapsed onto the ground, wrapping my arms around myself for comfort and staring at Melissa Scully's grave.
"I'm...so sorry..." I whimpered, "if I had been paying more attention...if my thoughts about calling an ambulance had happened a moment sooner...you might be alive now...happy...but would you be truly happy? Because your sister would be dead instead..." I wiped some tears from my face, quickly, before they froze, and then wrapped my scarf tighter around my neck.
"I ruined your life, Scully's life, Mulder's life, Skinner's life, and...even Marita's life. I probably had something to do with Jeff disappearing as well. The fact is, I fuck up everything for everybody...and everyone assumes I have no feelings of guilt. Well I fucking do." I stood up then, and pulled the white rose out of my jacket, then gently set it on her grave, "I wish I could tell you how sorry I am..." i whispered softly.
"Hey!" a voice called.
I winced, that was one voice I didn't want to hear, especially with tears running down my face.
"Who are you?"
That's right, he hadn't seen me in a couple of years, my hair had gotten much longer too.
"I'm talking to you!"
Irritated that I couldn't stop crying I turned, "do you mind?" I snapped, "this is a cemetary, shut your damn mouth Mulder!"
"Krycek!" he snarled, storming up and grabbing me by the front of my jacket.
"We've been through this, now let me go. I'm not in the mood for this crap..." I mumbled, pulling away from him.
"You're...crying..." he commented, letting me go, hand dropping back to his side.
"Well, believe it or not, I also have feelings!" I growled, turning back to the grave, "Prastee meenya pozhalosta," I whispered, gently touching the stone with my numb fingertips.
"What does that mean?"
I jumped, how had I forgotten Mulder was behind me that quickly?
"Nothing," I replied, "you wouldn't care anyway."
"Well, I'm asking, so I obviously care."
I sighed, "it means 'forgive me please'. Now can you please leave me alone?"
He stared at me, "you feel sorry...for killing her?"
"Of course I do. I feel sorry, horribly sorry, for many things. None of them will I ever be able to apologize for, of course, but I can try."
"Then maybe you should also apologize to Scully, too."
"I said try. Not get killed."
"She would probably listen...if you restrained her..."
"Exactly. And personally, my health isn't at it's best, and I fear those heels she wears."
Mulder laughed, and for a second it felt like when we were partners, before I betrayed him. An aching sorrow filled me, the biggest thing I needed to apologize for, the person I needed to apologize to the most, Mulder, betrayal.
Another set of tears seized me and I tried not to let Mulder see, I quickly turned back to the grave.
"Krycek..." his voice was soft.
"W-what?" I stammered, trying not to let the tears be heard.
I suddenly found two strong arms wrapped around my waist and a mouth near my ear, "please stop crying..." he murmured, "it pains me to see you cry...you're more beautiful than anything...and your tears...well...it makes me feel that I know what an angel looks like when crying..."
"PrastIte, chto vy skazAli?!" I cried, twisting to look at him.
"I don't speak Russian..." he replied, frowning slightly.
"I said 'I'm sorry, what did you sat!?'"
"Oh," he laughed and moved one hand to wipe the tears from my face, "well, stop crying, okay?"
I scoffed, "don't tell me what to do. Plus I can't control my tears...I haven't cried in so many years, and now they're all just having a fiesta."
He sighed, "listen...Alex...I don't like the idea of you being out here in the cold, and crying, and honestly, you feel like you're nothing more than skin and bones."
"Excuse me?!" I growled.
He smiled and pushed my hair from my face, "let me see those beautiful eyes..."
I glared at him, "beautiful?!"
He then grabbed my chin, tilted my head up and kissed me.
With a startled cry I jerked back, raising my hands to cover my mouth, "what the Hell?!" I yelled, my voice muffled.
He laughed, "you're adorable when you blush!"
"I'm not adorable! And I am most certainly not blushing!" I yelled.
"Stop yelling, this is a cemetary," he grinned, throwing my own words back at him.
"Shut up, smart ass," I growled, "I have a right to yell. A man who hates me just hugged me, called me an angel, told me my eyes were beautiful and kissed me. I think the dead are okay with my yelling!"
He laughed again, "just come home with me, out of the cold, let me just show you some love and--"
"Love? Did you say love?" I raised an eyebrow, "how can you show me love, when all I've ever done is betray you and ruin everything you needed, all I've done is ruin everything you work for and stand in the way of your goal, to find Samantha. Without me in the way then--"
"They would just find someone else to take your place. And I'm not going to let that happen, personally I don't care what happens, as long as you're with me."
I lowered my gaze from his smoldering hazel eyes, "how can you even want that? After everything I've done...I KILLED your father!"
"He was a jackass anyway."
"Mulder..."
"Alex..."
"Please...don't..."
"Don't what?"
"Do what you're doing..."
"Which is?"
"Make me cry again..."
"Please don't cry, uhm...quick, what dos this mean in Russian! DovEr`sya mne! What does it mean?"
I let out a half laugh, half sob, "it means trust me...why is the only thing you know how to say in Russian, poor Russian by the way, 'trust me'?"
He shrugged and wrapped his arms tighter around my waist, pulling me close and resting his chin on my head, "maybe it's fate."
"Let's not tempt fate..." I tried to move away, he refused to let go.
He gently stroked my back, "please, come with me Alex...please...just one night is all I'm asking...just let me show you love and comfort and warmth, and then...you can decide whether you want it or not."
I sighed and looked up at him, "fine. But only one night...I can't stay any--"
He kissed me again, "okay, let's get out of the cold."
Cold? What cold? It feels like a thousand flames have been lit inside my body.

END :3

Description
It's kind of sad, when people see you and immediately think you're the toughest thing alive. What's even more sad is when on the outside you appear cold and able, but inside you're doing everything to keep your heart from screaming, doing everything to keep from simply putting the gun to your head and getting it all over with. It's not anything fun. But then again, it's not like I'm all innocent and long lashes either. Don't forget that. I have a dark side too. It's merely...something that...after all the years and everything I've gone through, something that keeps me alive. The fact that when that darkness is so complete and suffocating that all I can do is use it, is what makes me 'evil'. When it hurt so much that I wanted to cry, but couldn't, because crying was a sign of weakness to everyone...I simply turned to that darkness...using it was very dangerous.... Results were always good for Smokey though. Of course, the people involved usually ended up dead, but then again, I never had been employee of the month. So, at the moment I'm standing in front of Melissa Scully's grave. Her death...is one thing I feel truly guilty about, there are several others, but they're to personal to share...no safety in my own thoughts.... When I had turned her body over, and seen it wasn't Little Miss Ice Queen, I had felt my heart, my cold, cold heart, stop. An innocent, I had never had any qualms about killing an innocent before, so why did THIS pain me so? With an angered sigh I kicked at some weeds at the ground, shoving my hands into my jacket pockets, it was winter now, and so very cold. I wrinkled my nose as my eyes began to sting. No, I hadn't cried in so long, don't let me cry now.... But a choked sob escaped my throat anyway, there was no point in trying to control it, the sobs simply kept escaping me. Until I collapsed onto the ground, wrapping my arms around myself for comfort and staring at Melissa Scully's grave.
"I'm...so sorry..." I whimpered, "if I had been paying more attention...if my thoughts about calling an ambulance had happened a moment sooner...you might be alive now...happy...but would you be truly happy? Because your sister would be dead instead..." I wiped some tears from my face, quickly, before they froze, and then wrapped my scarf tighter around my neck.
"I ruined your life, Scully's life, Mulder's life, Skinner's life, and...even Marita's life. I probably had something to do with Jeff disappearing as well. The fact is, I fuck up everything for everybody...and everyone assumes I have no feelings of guilt. Well I fucking do." I stood up then, and pulled the white rose out of my jacket, then gently set it on her grave, "I wish I could tell you how sorry I am..." i whispered softly.
"Hey!" a voice called.
I winced, that was one voice I didn't want to hear, especially with tears running down my face.
"Who are you?"
That's right, he hadn't seen me in a couple of years, my hair had gotten much longer too.
"I'm talking to you!"
Irritated that I couldn't stop crying I turned, "do you mind?" I snapped, "this is a cemetary, shut your damn mouth Mulder!"
"Krycek!" he snarled, storming up and grabbing me by the front of my jacket.
"We've been through this, now let me go. I'm not in the mood for this crap..." I mumbled, pulling away from him.
"You're...crying..." he commented, letting me go, hand dropping back to his side.
"Well, believe it or not, I also have feelings!" I growled, turning back to the grave, "Prastee meenya pozhalosta," I whispered, gently touching the stone with my numb fingertips.
"What does that mean?"
I jumped, how had I forgotten Mulder was behind me that quickly?
"Nothing," I replied, "you wouldn't care anyway."
"Well, I'm asking, so I obviously care."
I sighed, "it means 'forgive me please'. Now can you please leave me alone?"
He stared at me, "you feel sorry...for killing her?"
"Of course I do. I feel sorry, horribly sorry, for many things. None of them will I ever be able to apologize for, of course, but I can try."
"Then maybe you should also apologize to Scully, too."
"I said try. Not get killed."
"She would probably listen...if you restrained her..."
"Exactly. And personally, my health isn't at it's best, and I fear those heels she wears."
Mulder laughed, and for a second it felt like when we were partners, before I betrayed him. An aching sorrow filled me, the biggest thing I needed to apologize for, the person I needed to apologize to the most, Mulder, betrayal.
Another set of tears seized me and I tried not to let Mulder see, I quickly turned back to the grave.
"Krycek..." his voice was soft.
"W-what?" I stammered, trying not to let the tears be heard.
I suddenly found two strong arms wrapped around my waist and a mouth near my ear, "please stop crying..." he murmured, "it pains me to see you cry...you're more beautiful than anything...and your tears...well...it makes me feel that I know what an angel looks like when crying..."
"PrastIte, chto vy skazAli?!" I cried, twisting to look at him.
"I don't speak Russian..." he replied, frowning slightly.
"I said 'I'm sorry, what did you sat!?'"
"Oh," he laughed and moved one hand to wipe the tears from my face, "well, stop crying, okay?"
I scoffed, "don't tell me what to do. Plus I can't control my tears...I haven't cried in so many years, and now they're all just having a fiesta."
He sighed, "listen...Alex...I don't like the idea of you being out here in the cold, and crying, and honestly, you feel like you're nothing more than skin and bones."
"Excuse me?!" I growled.
He smiled and pushed my hair from my face, "let me see those beautiful eyes..."
I glared at him, "beautiful?!"
He then grabbed my chin, tilted my head up and kissed me.
With a startled cry I jerked back, raising my hands to cover my mouth, "what the Hell?!" I yelled, my voice muffled.
He laughed, "you're adorable when you blush!"
"I'm not adorable! And I am most certainly not blushing!" I yelled.
"Stop yelling, this is a cemetary," he grinned, throwing my own words back at him.
"Shut up, smart ass," I growled, "I have a right to yell. A man who hates me just hugged me, called me an angel, told me my eyes were beautiful and kissed me. I think the dead are okay with my yelling!"
He laughed again, "just come home with me, out of the cold, let me just show you some love and--"
"Love? Did you say love?" I raised an eyebrow, "how can you show me love, when all I've ever done is betray you and ruin everything you needed, all I've done is ruin everything you work for and stand in the way of your goal, to find Samantha. Without me in the way then--"
"They would just find someone else to take your place. And I'm not going to let that happen, personally I don't care what happens, as long as you're with me."
I lowered my gaze from his smoldering hazel eyes, "how can you even want that? After everything I've done...I KILLED your father!"
"He was a jackass anyway."
"Mulder..."
"Alex..."
"Please...don't..."
"Don't what?"
"Do what you're doing..."
"Which is?"
"Make me cry again..."
"Please don't cry, uhm...quick, what dos this mean in Russian! DovEr`sya mne! What does it mean?"
I let out a half laugh, half sob, "it means trust me...why is the only thing you know how to say in Russian, poor Russian by the way, 'trust me'?"
He shrugged and wrapped his arms tighter around my waist, pulling me close and resting his chin on my head, "maybe it's fate."
"Let's not tempt fate..." I tried to move away, he refused to let go.
He gently stroked my back, "please, come with me Alex...please...just one night is all I'm asking...just let me show you love and comfort and warmth, and then...you can decide whether you want it or not."
I sighed and looked up at him, "fine. But only one night...I can't stay any--"
He kissed me again, "okay, let's get out of the cold."
Cold? What cold? It feels like a thousand flames have been lit inside my body.

END :3