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redykelso — V-D 1 Taken [NSFW]
Published: 2007-08-03 19:59:31 +0000 UTC; Views: 2755; Favourites: 22; Downloads: 11
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Description Contains : Mature Content, Violence mixed with Sex, Caution before reading (May get detailed)

Part One V/D ~Taken~ by Redykelso

It was raining outside, the house was cold we couldn't afford any means to warm the house anymore. I was shaking but not from the cold, I was shaking because I knew what was to come.
I heard my parents arguing, my mother started to cry and my fathers voice got louder. I knew life was hard, especially right now. Money was hard to come by and I had four sisters and three brothers. I was the oldest of all the daughters, and I knew why they picked me. But yet I still felt betrayed and that they favored the others before me. But still if they had picked anyone but me to go, I would have went in their place anyway. We couldn't pay the rent for the first time ever this month and it was tradition that if you couldn't pay that you would be hanged in the town square to set a example for the rest of the town. But the prince seen me when he personally which was rare came to our house to deal with the problem himself and he decided he would make a deal with them instead of taking fathers life, I would go to his castle and be his personal slave. Mother cried at this and argued with father as he agreed and the prince said he would send a carriage to pick me up later that night, ever seen they have been fighting. I knew though that I would do anything to save any of my family's life's, but it frightened me to leave home, to go to the palace and to live under this mans mercy. Time seemed to have passed to quickly and I heard the horses coming down our wooden path to our house. I looked down at my two bags that laid on the floor, it held everything I owned which wasn't much, our family was so poor it was hard to put even food on the table. I had a hard time breathing evenly all of the kids already said their goodbyes but only the few older than me truly understood where and why I was going. I tried my best to be strong and hold the tears inside as I picked my bags and walked to the door, there my parents stood there waiting for me, mother was shaking with fear and sadness, father was standing tall and strong, and my oldest brother stood there just to comfort me and say his final goodbye, we were the closest and I knew he had a hard time seeing me off but he didn't cry he pulled me against him, his hands resting on my lower back firmly with strength that I needed so badly right now, his strong chest was firm against me his breathing even and controlled and he whispered in my ear ''Stay strong my lil lion'' and he released me, I saw the emotion in his eyes but it faded quickly, he wanted to give me strength, instead of being weak and worrying me more. I looked at mother, she seemed so much older now, her eyes were swollen from the tears that wouldn't stop flowing down her face, her body seemed weak and fragile, shaking violently and her lips trembled as she looked at me, I walked forward hugging her tightly trying to give her comfort as my brother did for me and told her everything was going to be alright and inside my head I tried to tell myself that as well. I just looked at my father, I knew things would be better for them, one less mouth to feed, one less person to worry about anymore and father would be alive. I said my goodbye one last time looking at my father this time but his expression was cold, no warmth at all in his eyes and I quivered slightly but shook it off and walked out the door towards to two guards standing there.
Everything from then on happened in a blur, they took my bags and threw it in back then lead me inside the carriage and before I knew it I was standing in the entrance of the palace. It was a grand palace, with gates made of gold, and vines growing up the walls, with stain glass windows and fountains and a small miniature garden before the main doors, as we drove up even though I was in a slight daze I remember the grounds in the front were beautiful with willow trees and grass that was a deep rich green, rivers running through it and a small forest off in the distance, it was the most beautiful thing I had even seen, but the awe of its beauty didn't last long as the door opened and i was lead inside. One of the guards to my wrist father forcefully and turned me to him, his grip as strong as iron and not letting go. ''Listen young lady, the lord wishes to see you in his library and it would be wise if you walked in not looking at him till he speaks to you, but never look him in the eyes until then, it is a sigh of much disrespect, walk in and look at the floor or his shoes and kneel at his side, always obey him no matter what he says, never talk back, there is so many rules to tell you but I do not wish to keep our lord waiting, for he is an impatient man and a very busy one at that, but I will warn you little lady that if you disobey him or disrespect him, you will be punished, i doubt a young girl like yourself has ever been punished before and if you have, never the way the lord sees fit, your mind wouldn't even be able to imagine what he will do to you, and many don't even survive it, don't take my words lightly, now follow.'' He released his grip on my wrist and I felt the blood start to rush back into my hand, curling my fingers in and out trying to get the blood circulating, It felt like his hand print would remain permanently tattooed into my wrist and bruise. I followed him around the corner to the left and down the hallway, which was covered in paintings of everything you could possibly imagine, some were even of his grounds. We stopped at a red oak door and I felt my heart pounding in my chest once again all the fear from earlier came rushing back all at once as the guard opened it and said ''Lord we have brought the girl to you'' I felt the guards hand on my lower back as he pushed me in the library and I remembered to keep my eyes down looking at the wooden floor. His voice was one of authority as he said ''Thank you, you are dismissed'' The guards left closing the door behind them and I was left to face him on my own. Though I didn't bring my eyes up to look at him I could still feel his eyes devouring my were I stood and a chill crept down my back sending shivers along my spine. ''What is your name girl?'' Only then did my eyes come up and look at him, he had a dark rich brown almost black looking color of hair, his eyes were a rich hazel that seemed to reach his very core, the color in them were a deep gold color reminding me of a tigers eye, everything about him screamed the word tiger, the way he gracefully walked closer to me, beautiful yet dangerous, easy and laid back but not to be taken lightly. His eyes wondered over me once again as he walked closer to me yet, it felt like he was stripping the clothes off of me with his eyes and could see me completely naked even though I was fully dressed, his eyes bore into me like he could see right through me to my soul and it left me feeling shaken. I opened my mouth to reply to his question my voice coming out softer and more weak than I wanted to it ''Its Vivian Mil'lord''. His hand reached up and his figure gently pulled a strand of hair in my face to the side and behind my ear, he didn't remove his hand instead he kept it there. ''How old are you Vivian?'' he asked his head leaning in closer his breath gently caressing my face. ''Seventeen my lord'' I replied trying to keep my voice steady. ''I am going to cut to the chase Vivian, I am a very busy man and I don't like playing games, at least not very often, I am going to be honest with you, I want you, you are a very beautiful and attractive girl and the first time I seen you I wanted you right away. But I am in no mood to take you by force right now Vivian, I admit I enjoy inflicting pain and taking people by force, and I will do that with you, probably soon, but I want you right now Vivian, and I don't want to fight you for it. So you have a choice, give yourself to me lay down on my bed and spread your legs for me and let me take you, it will be a lot less painful and you will be saving yourself for now. Or you can fight it and I will take you by force, and I will probably get angry because I am in no mood for that now and punish you, maybe twenty or thirty lashings before your body can't take much more and then you lay still on my bed for me to abuse you.'' His eyes bore into mine, he could tell I was shaking from fear already and he said ''Its your choice Vivian, either way I will take you right now, the second option will be very painful, the first one will be much lighter, believe me the pain I am able to inflict is beyond your comprehension, what will be your choice?'' My heart was beating so fast in my chest then as I realized that he was dead serious and I said ''I will not fight you my lord'' then he walked to the door opened it and looked at me to follow. I walked past him and back into the hallway and followed him down twisting and turning different corners different hallways and passages until he came to a stop and opened a door. I guessed it was his bedroom, it was large with a big wooden bed in the center of the room pushed against the wall, the sheets were a dark black silk, the carpet was a wine color, there was long pillar candles everywhere all mixed colors of red and black I stepped inside the room and watched him follow closing the door behind him. Not till the door was closed did I realize a cabinet in the room that held whips, chains, ropes and so many things that I never wished to experience. He caught my expression on my face as I studied the cabinet carefully and said ''You understand now that your choice was the right one, Vivian take your clothes off slowly for me'' his eyes took me in again as my hands shakily were brought up and I slowly slide my shirt up over my head I paused confused as where I should put it and he said ''Vivian, why are you shaking so badly, and you may put that on the floor it doesn't matter'' he said eying my shirt. I let my shirt slip out of my hand and onto the floor as I looked at him and said ''I am afraid my lord'' and he walked closer to me and ran his hands up my arms slowly and looked me in the eyes ''Yes, you should be afraid of me Vivian, but the thought never crossed my mind until now, are you a virgin?'' My eyes slide down to the floor as my lip trembled as I replied ''Yes Mil'lord I never have lain with a man before'' He signed then taking in a deep breath and said ''Well Vivian taking your virginity will please me greatly, though you have picked the right choice by coming to me willing, there will be more pain than I thought there would be for you this time, but far less than your second option, but Vivian though I may be in no mood to fight you, I am in no mood to go slowly and softly with you, I will fuck you hard with no mercy for that is what I want.'' His hands ran down my sides slowly and he said ''Finish undressing, I am loosing my patience Vivian.'' I reached behind me and slowly unclasped my bra and felt the straps slide down my shoulders and it fell to the floor. He took a deep breath again his hands reaching out and stroking my breasts roughly his fingers flicking across my nipples, though I was frightened my body still responded to his and I moaned softly at his touch and my nipples hardened with desire. I must have been going way to slow for he reached down and picked me up tossing my lightly in the middle of the bed. He reached down and yanked his pants to the floor stepping out of them and took his shirt off. He was extremely defined and every part of his body was perfect. The color of bronze and completely toned and muscled. Every inch of his body was that way and I knew it would be useless to fight him. He stepped closer to the bed as he grabbed my ankles and jerked me down the bed more towards the edge and ran his hands slowly up my legs curving around my knees and up into my inner thighs, sliding his hand over the front of my pussy and unbuttoning my pants sliding them down my legs slowly inch by inch revealing new skin once they were completely removed he then worked on my panties sliding them down my legs once more until I was completely naked laying before him. His breathing came faster now as he stared down at my body and he said ''You are amazing, spread your legs wide before me, offer yourself to me Vivian'' I swallowed making a gulping sound and slowly spread my legs apart. His hands crept up me again and his fingers worked against my pussy gently rubbing at it and massaging it as he brought his lips down to my breasts flicking his tongue out and caressing them softly, his lips parted and his tongue once again snaked out rolling over my left nipple slowly flicking the hard nipple side to side until his mouth completely engulfed it closing around it and sucking it hard, his movements weren't soft and gentle anymore, I could feel his control draining from him as his teeth raked against my breast and nipple, nibbling softly at first and then biting hard and I lifted my hands up pressing them to his chest and I screamed out in pain as his teeth sank in slightly further as I tried pushing him off me, but instead he crawled further onto the bed straddling me underneath him with his legs and pinning me beneath him, my pushing was useless against his weight as his teeth hungrily pulled at my nipple and his fingers rubbed harder against my clit, though it hurt and with every couple of tugs I would scream in pain, my body trembling underneath him and instead of pushing him away I started to hold onto him afraid my arms wrapping around him and holding onto his back, my fingers nails slightly digging into his flesh which only excited him more and he stopped and looked down at my pussy, it was now moist and wet, juices were starting to flow down my thighs and onto the black silk sheets, as much as I didn't want this my body helplessly responded to his and he grinned and yanked his boxers down tossing them on the floor and revealed his shaft to me, it was the first I had ever seen other than my younger brothers when I had to bathe them when they were very little but never had I seen a mans, and I doubted any normal man was a huge at him, the head alone was so big that just looking at it terrified me and I started to shake beneath him afraid. And I said ''Please, I don't think I can survive this, it won't fit inside of me, its to big, that thing will kill me'' he laughed, it echoed off the walls haunting me, as he said ''It will fit nicely Vivian, just spread yourself wide for me and don't fight it or it will hurt much worse, but I will admit, it is going to hurt no matter what and even more so since you are a virgin, and I am in the mood to fuck you hard and hear you scream beneath me, and if it doesn't fit, I will make it fit'' he said ''Spread your legs further Vivian, I want full access to you, I want to be able to drive myself into you fully'' I spread my legs further apart a little but he didn't seem satisfied cause his hands took my thighs forcefully and shoved them apart wide were I felt myself being stretched wide and it hurt, I gasped in pain and looked into his eyes, he let his weight pin me down and slide his hands up my stomach keeping my legs spread far with his own, his hands slowly traveled up across my breasts and his mouth claimed my stomach trailing kisses up my body and taking my nipple in his mouth again and biting it harder than before, I screamed loudly but didn't fight it this time, instead I laid there trying to stay still as he let go and brought his lips to mine, it was a kiss that was rough and wild, showing just how badly he wanted me, his tongue slide inside my mouth, moving back and forth inside making the motions of what he will do to me, fucking me with his tongue, his hands then took my arms and put them above my head holding me down and pinning me to the bed my hands held high over my head and my legs still painly stretched out further than comfortable, then I felt his hardness between my thighs pressing against me he released my lips sliding his tongue from me and rubbed his shaft against my clit wetting it with my juices then looking down at me, his eyes stared intensely into mine I felt his grip tighten on my wrists as he quickly drove himself into me quick and hard, slamming himself and driving it deep within me, my body lifted off the bed in pain and fell back down, I knew I was bleeding and that he tore me and that the blood was spilling out onto the sheets mixing the colors together black and red, my scream echoed off the walls as he pulled out and thrust into me harder and harder, his pace was quickening and his hips were working against mine I could feel his balls slapping against me as he drove himself into me fully over and over again. tears were running down my face, my body was squirming underneath him with pain and I clawed at his back so hard I knew it brought blood but that only made him thrust harder and I felt myself being torn more, i thought I would be torn into two, I felt my body go weak and wondered if I would pass out. He realized that my eyes were getting heavy and he slapped me hard and said ''Stay awake, it's not any fun fucking a motionless body' my head jerked to the side with the impact and he continued to use me without any mercy. I screamed until my throat ached and I couldn't anymore and instead tears silently spilled from my eyes and I wrapped my arms around him tightly holding onto him for dear life. I heard him moan loudly and felt something fill me whole, and realized he finally found release as he spilled his seed inside of me and then pulled out releasing me. I was still trembling and crying as he got off of me and get a towel wiping himself clean and the blood from his body. I looked down at the bed and realized that he filled me so much with his orgasm that my body couldn't keep it all in and some of it leaked out onto the bed mixing with my blood and I laid there scared to move. My whole body hurt, in parts that I didn't even know possible. And I said angrily ''I thought you said I picked the easy choice'' and he laughed replying ''Oh trust me you did, knowing how badly that hurt you, you probably wouldn't have survived the second option, and if you had you wouldn't be able to walk for days and you would have passed out fast but I would have whipped you back to consciousness'' He dipped a rag into a bowl with water that was on a shelf next to the bed and washed my body tenderly cleaning the blood and his cum off of me and then picked me up off the bed and held me in his arms as if I was a child, he held me so easily. I was shocked to feel his hands stroking me softly with such gentleness after he had rapped me with such harshness, and he tenderly took care of cleaning me. My eyes felt heavy and I had a hard time keeping them open as I seen a maid come in and change the sheets and leave. He placed me on the bed and pulled the covers up over me, bringing his lips down onto mine softly as he slid into bed with me and held me in his arms against his body and whispered against my ear ''Sleep my lil pet, you need your rest for what shall come later, you did well and pleased me greatly, you may not be safe from me but you are safe in my bed for the rest of the night, so close your eyes and rest'' I did, my eyes closed and strangely enough I felt peace laying there next to him, held against his strong and firm chest, my body hurt but soon enough sleep took me and the darkness welcomed me.
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Comments: 32

redykelso [2010-03-17 08:06:34 +0000 UTC]

Sure i'll write part 3 of people plan on reading it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Ruthina [2010-03-09 07:17:07 +0000 UTC]

i admit,
after
reading this
i was a little
shocked. and
i feel realy
i dont know
sore. lol
its very good
loved it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

beforeandafter2112 [2010-02-09 20:16:56 +0000 UTC]

wow! very detaled but very good!
are u gonna write part three?

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

redykelso [2009-09-08 07:03:21 +0000 UTC]

Hey thank you for commenting, I noticed your comment was in janaury its been awhile since I have come online but I am starting to write again My inspiration I guess is the fact that to be honest..I love being dominated in bed lol

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

aloverisforever [2009-01-02 23:26:47 +0000 UTC]

omg my entire body shaking, this was...absolutely incredible, where did you get the inspiration for this? definitely a well earned fave <3

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tori613 [2008-02-18 16:24:26 +0000 UTC]

thank you so much for the advice. and i started righting a story and it is turning out great.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

redykelso In reply to tori613 [2008-02-18 22:35:51 +0000 UTC]

Ever need anything let me know. Writing is about expressing yourself and putting your thoughts and feelings into words, but not leaving out the realness of it and detail that makes it come to life.

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tori613 [2008-02-15 04:28:43 +0000 UTC]

Thanks and trust me you are that good and better. So anyways I am trying to right a story of my own and am having no luck. Where did you get your inspiration from, I must know. AND you said that there was parts 2(in one of your replies) were is it, I am dyeing to read it.

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redykelso In reply to tori613 [2008-02-15 04:36:44 +0000 UTC]

Well if you click on my name you will come to my home page, then you go under my gallery and look for VD-TAKEN-2 or something like that. My inspiration...well mostly I come up with a story line but I start writing a get the base think of what I want how the main characters personality and looks are, what their parts are going to be, some of it i'll come up with as I write and just go along with but most of the main important parts I already have come up with and have an idea with, then you have to start the story off with a little bit of introduction so you get to know the character and what the story is about. Obviously she was is his slave and he's the master and you can take that type of topic anywhere. Then when your doing the sex scences you try to picture it in your head and what the characters would be feeling and thinking, how it would actuallywork and you'd describe it with words and write you out in detail of exactly whats happening how she feels how he feels and how its happening.

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redykelso [2008-02-15 04:13:01 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so very much, if you want help (im not that good) but i'll try to help.

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tori613 [2008-02-14 06:53:39 +0000 UTC]

I love this it rocks, how do you do it I want to right one of y own and I cant seem to right it. What was your inspiration? Can you help me?
.
p.s. I looked everywhere for part 2 and I could not find it. Can you put it in a link or something.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Italia-n-Puerto-Rico [2008-02-07 02:11:55 +0000 UTC]

Simply, all I say is spacing. I hate when everything is mushed together. It seems like it's so much mor ethen when you space it out. That's at least to me. But still, I seriously liked it.

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redykelso In reply to Italia-n-Puerto-Rico [2008-02-07 06:37:08 +0000 UTC]

Yes thank you, part 2 I spaced out and afterwards all of my stories. I enjoy hearing peoples comments and what they think I could do to make it better and trying to put that towards future projects and work.

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ilovevampires18 [2008-01-08 01:42:52 +0000 UTC]

I LOVED IT CAN'T WAIT TO READ CHAPTER TWO ^_^

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redykelso In reply to ilovevampires18 [2008-01-10 18:48:02 +0000 UTC]

Thankx, part 2 is already up.

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redykelso [2007-12-12 06:26:32 +0000 UTC]

I once again apologize for the wait, I have already started writing chapter two, things just have been a bit..busy in other words lately and stressful in my personal life but yes, there will be a chapter two coming. Hopefully soon so don't loose patience with me heh thank you = )

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UoChan [2007-12-04 21:10:58 +0000 UTC]

Will you continue?

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UoChan [2007-11-30 04:17:35 +0000 UTC]

I want to read chapter 2

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redykelso [2007-09-21 07:05:55 +0000 UTC]

Thank you very much, I just started writing again but no..sadly it wasn't part two, but I promise I will get to that. But another idea came to mind, so if you would like check it out

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HitsugayaToushirofan [2007-09-04 07:05:42 +0000 UTC]

Baby, where HAVE you been hiding? Love it, daling, love it!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

redykelso [2007-08-31 06:29:48 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for commenting Isis I appreciate it, ahh I been sooooo lazy..okay I am going to start fixing and writing the 2nd part...Its a promise, i'll get to it!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

isis11 [2007-08-30 19:26:18 +0000 UTC]

Also, be conscious of the era you're writing in (unless you've made up your own fantasy world which is totally cool). Remember how people from those ages spoke and dressed. It seems like your crossing our time frame with the middle ages. A girl in pants? The F word?

I'm so intrigued though and am patiently waiting for the next installment.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

isis11 [2007-08-30 19:23:51 +0000 UTC]

I enjoyed it. It's very good for a first erotica.

I see potential with the plot but perhaps a little more emotion and thoughts from Vivian would envoke more of a connection to the reader.

Also, your prince reminded me of Lord Farquad from Shrek. He was so long winded. He comes off vain and scatter brained. I can't hate him or feel for Vivian because he's a little goofy.

My suggestion is that you figure out who your characters really are and then show the reader. Don't tell us.

Other than that, I really enjoyed the story. It was an excellent first. Keep it up. You'll be great.

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redykelso [2007-08-27 23:43:55 +0000 UTC]

Thankx! Sorry I have just been so busy lately that when I have free time I would ruther read something new from some of my fav. ppl on here that write than correct my own story...I will get to it soon though, it would be nice to fix it up and as always it is very appreciated your comments and for your help. Thankx so much.

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ladynightseduction [2007-08-27 20:39:36 +0000 UTC]

Hm. Off the top of my head I would agree with Pandora. While grammar and punctuation and spacing isn't something crucial to tell your story, it is to help your readers approach it.

Think of it this way. Would you pick up a huge volume of work and turn to the first page and find lines of type that are all spaced together hard to consume?

Of course this can be corrected by editing and tools like Microsoft word, so again it's not really a point against the story, just the production of it and it has been mentioned.

I also agree that the you're pulled quickly into the scene, with bare knowledge of Vivian as a person beyond her want to save family, and sold off to the Prince. It is hard to feel for her plight without some measure of character development.

Someone else mentioned the time frame and wording, which I agree with as well.

All of these things are just structure. You should not be discouraged by them at all, for they are not intended to squash your excitement at posting a story.

One of the best things I've found, or taken courage in when writing is this: Write from your heart. Forget about the rules and tell your story. Later there will be plenty of time to edit, revamp and structure. When you have the image in your head, just put pencil to paper. Don't stop until you run out of things to say. They might seem meandering, rambling at the time, but you are just trying to get the thoughts in your head out at this point.

One other thing I found helpful. Carry a spiral bound notebook with you. No matter where you go, no matter how small it is. Keep something to write with at all times, and of course a pen or pencil. Ideas come at the strangest places. I've written them on cocktail napkins.


`lns

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PandoraofBrushia [2007-08-18 20:26:07 +0000 UTC]

Right off the hop, I was somewhat distracted by the lack of spacing. It makes it difficult on the eyes to read when everything seems to meld together into one large paragraph. (Though I've noticed someone else has pointed this out already, so I'm sure you're well aware of it. )

The grammar isn't too bad, but it could you could definitely do some reading through. It seems you mostly have trouple with tenses and well, apostrophes. Nothing too, too major. Though, I would suggest you get someone to read over it for you before posting it. If you're interested, I'm available to do it for you.

(Sorry if it seems like I'm riping at it, I just want to tell you what stands out the most to me, it's usually the structure of the story, before the plot itself.)

I know it's suppose to be an Erotica story, but, well, Erotica isn't just about getting down and dirty. It's about arousing your reader along with your characters. You pull the story along a little too quickly, in my opinion, to really get me interested in Vivian. I don't, sympathize or relate to her circumstances in any way because I don't know her before this situation.

I think that if you add a little to the beginning of your chapter, giving us a bit more of an insight on how Vivian is before she's tossed into these circumstances, we'll be able to cheer her on, and feel frightened for her and her current situation.

Also, the timeframe for this wouldn't allow for a lord of a manor to abbreviate his words, at least, not something like, "little" to "lil". I think that if you brush those up, you'll make him far more authetic to the time you're placing him in.

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redykelso [2007-08-09 02:04:33 +0000 UTC]

I don't mind people giving me feedback, I enjoy hearing it and thinking of how I could improve it. I just have been lazy lately, to much work to little free time to fix anything yet or write something new =/ but thankx for reading and commenting.

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GoldenBow9er9er [2007-08-09 01:55:58 +0000 UTC]

that was sooooo soooo awsome!!!!!you need to keep it up! and,not being mean!,if you want you could seperate the paragraphs so its alittle easier to read.thats wat alot of ppl told me...lol do wat you want! its your life!^.^

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redykelso [2007-08-08 03:54:54 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much, I am glad you enjoyed it, I haven't started working on chapter two yet...but I will get to it.

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heroofman [2007-08-06 10:02:16 +0000 UTC]

That was really good, although i don't tend to read these kind of storys much, it had power, you should be really proud.

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TaylorLynne [2007-08-04 17:52:26 +0000 UTC]

Okay Go! That was Very Very good. I am not just being nice either! I enjoyed that immensely. I didn't even skip a part. You have talent in this type of writing. I would liked to have seen more of a period feel if you know what I mean. Princes and the such? Good. But pants on a girl? In a time period like that? Maybe not so much. Probably more along the lines of chemise and dress and things of that nature. I liked your main guy. The girl was a refreshing change from 'woe-is-me-I-shall-fight-him-and-lose-terribly' cliche. I appreciated the little bit of detailing you put in there about how his estate looked. But then again I'm biased about detail. And as for the time period, I don't know about what your intention was, but I felt a definite Italian sort of era. Anyway, yes. Keep at this. I would love to see more plot, only because I know how tiresome a story can get if it's just mindless sex of the same brand every chapter. The flow was smooth, and I'm not going to talk about 'grammer' 'unctuation' and all those things. I think your story is good, and the little things that people LOVE to pick at (grammer, spelling, punctuation) is not that important in the big picture if you're in it for fun . Your spelling was nice, and the grammer didn't detract from the story. Keep writing. You've got some talent with it.

The only thing I think you should keep in mind is period stuffs. In an era of princes and slaves, there aren't jeans, there are trousers, leggings, dresses, chemises, etc. And the dialouge is more proper.

Good work, hope this was a comprehensive review. I like to do what I can for a good fan of my own work! ^_^

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redykelso In reply to TaylorLynne [2007-08-05 08:36:58 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much for your help. I completely didn't think about the pants not being in the time period or anything haha, thankx for that correction, I appreciate it. As for grammer if I tried it still wouldn't be right, that is one thing I am not very good at. I enjoyed writing it though and I am glad you liked it. And, I also appreciate that you took time out to read it and try to help me. Very rare for people to do. I haven't started working on part two yet, but before I do I might make some changes to this one and fix some things I have noticed while rereading it along with her clothes hah. thankx again.

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