Comments: 32
redykelso [2010-03-17 08:06:34 +0000 UTC]
Sure i'll write part 3 of people plan on reading it.
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Ruthina [2010-03-09 07:17:07 +0000 UTC]
i admit,
after
reading this
i was a little
shocked. and
i feel realy
i dont know
sore. lol
its very good
loved it.
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beforeandafter2112 [2010-02-09 20:16:56 +0000 UTC]
wow! very detaled but very good!
are u gonna write part three?
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aloverisforever [2009-01-02 23:26:47 +0000 UTC]
omg my entire body shaking, this was...absolutely incredible, where did you get the inspiration for this? definitely a well earned fave <3
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tori613 [2008-02-18 16:24:26 +0000 UTC]
thank you so much for the advice. and i started righting a story and it is turning out great.
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redykelso In reply to tori613 [2008-02-18 22:35:51 +0000 UTC]
Ever need anything let me know. Writing is about expressing yourself and putting your thoughts and feelings into words, but not leaving out the realness of it and detail that makes it come to life.
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tori613 [2008-02-15 04:28:43 +0000 UTC]
Thanks and trust me you are that good and better. So anyways I am trying to right a story of my own and am having no luck. Where did you get your inspiration from, I must know. AND you said that there was parts 2(in one of your replies) were is it, I am dyeing to read it.
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redykelso In reply to tori613 [2008-02-15 04:36:44 +0000 UTC]
Well if you click on my name you will come to my home page, then you go under my gallery and look for VD-TAKEN-2 or something like that. My inspiration...well mostly I come up with a story line but I start writing a get the base think of what I want how the main characters personality and looks are, what their parts are going to be, some of it i'll come up with as I write and just go along with but most of the main important parts I already have come up with and have an idea with, then you have to start the story off with a little bit of introduction so you get to know the character and what the story is about. Obviously she was is his slave and he's the master and you can take that type of topic anywhere. Then when your doing the sex scences you try to picture it in your head and what the characters would be feeling and thinking, how it would actuallywork and you'd describe it with words and write you out in detail of exactly whats happening how she feels how he feels and how its happening.
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redykelso [2008-02-15 04:13:01 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so very much, if you want help (im not that good) but i'll try to help.
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tori613 [2008-02-14 06:53:39 +0000 UTC]
I love this it rocks, how do you do it I want to right one of y own and I cant seem to right it. What was your inspiration? Can you help me?
.
p.s. I looked everywhere for part 2 and I could not find it. Can you put it in a link or something.
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Italia-n-Puerto-Rico [2008-02-07 02:11:55 +0000 UTC]
Simply, all I say is spacing. I hate when everything is mushed together. It seems like it's so much mor ethen when you space it out. That's at least to me. But still, I seriously liked it.
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redykelso In reply to Italia-n-Puerto-Rico [2008-02-07 06:37:08 +0000 UTC]
Yes thank you, part 2 I spaced out and afterwards all of my stories. I enjoy hearing peoples comments and what they think I could do to make it better and trying to put that towards future projects and work.
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ilovevampires18 [2008-01-08 01:42:52 +0000 UTC]
I LOVED IT CAN'T WAIT TO READ CHAPTER TWO ^_^
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redykelso [2007-12-12 06:26:32 +0000 UTC]
I once again apologize for the wait, I have already started writing chapter two, things just have been a bit..busy in other words lately and stressful in my personal life but yes, there will be a chapter two coming. Hopefully soon so don't loose patience with me heh thank you = )
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UoChan [2007-12-04 21:10:58 +0000 UTC]
Will you continue?
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UoChan [2007-11-30 04:17:35 +0000 UTC]
I want to read chapter 2
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HitsugayaToushirofan [2007-09-04 07:05:42 +0000 UTC]
Baby, where HAVE you been hiding? Love it, daling, love it!
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isis11 [2007-08-30 19:26:18 +0000 UTC]
Also, be conscious of the era you're writing in (unless you've made up your own fantasy world which is totally cool). Remember how people from those ages spoke and dressed. It seems like your crossing our time frame with the middle ages. A girl in pants? The F word?
I'm so intrigued though and am patiently waiting for the next installment.
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isis11 [2007-08-30 19:23:51 +0000 UTC]
I enjoyed it. It's very good for a first erotica.
I see potential with the plot but perhaps a little more emotion and thoughts from Vivian would envoke more of a connection to the reader.
Also, your prince reminded me of Lord Farquad from Shrek. He was so long winded. He comes off vain and scatter brained. I can't hate him or feel for Vivian because he's a little goofy.
My suggestion is that you figure out who your characters really are and then show the reader. Don't tell us.
Other than that, I really enjoyed the story. It was an excellent first. Keep it up. You'll be great.
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redykelso [2007-08-27 23:43:55 +0000 UTC]
Thankx! Sorry I have just been so busy lately that when I have free time I would ruther read something new from some of my fav. ppl on here that write than correct my own story...I will get to it soon though, it would be nice to fix it up and as always it is very appreciated your comments and for your help. Thankx so much.
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ladynightseduction [2007-08-27 20:39:36 +0000 UTC]
Hm. Off the top of my head I would agree with Pandora. While grammar and punctuation and spacing isn't something crucial to tell your story, it is to help your readers approach it.
Think of it this way. Would you pick up a huge volume of work and turn to the first page and find lines of type that are all spaced together hard to consume?
Of course this can be corrected by editing and tools like Microsoft word, so again it's not really a point against the story, just the production of it and it has been mentioned.
I also agree that the you're pulled quickly into the scene, with bare knowledge of Vivian as a person beyond her want to save family, and sold off to the Prince. It is hard to feel for her plight without some measure of character development.
Someone else mentioned the time frame and wording, which I agree with as well.
All of these things are just structure. You should not be discouraged by them at all, for they are not intended to squash your excitement at posting a story.
One of the best things I've found, or taken courage in when writing is this: Write from your heart. Forget about the rules and tell your story. Later there will be plenty of time to edit, revamp and structure. When you have the image in your head, just put pencil to paper. Don't stop until you run out of things to say. They might seem meandering, rambling at the time, but you are just trying to get the thoughts in your head out at this point.
One other thing I found helpful. Carry a spiral bound notebook with you. No matter where you go, no matter how small it is. Keep something to write with at all times, and of course a pen or pencil. Ideas come at the strangest places. I've written them on cocktail napkins.
`lns
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PandoraofBrushia [2007-08-18 20:26:07 +0000 UTC]
Right off the hop, I was somewhat distracted by the lack of spacing. It makes it difficult on the eyes to read when everything seems to meld together into one large paragraph. (Though I've noticed someone else has pointed this out already, so I'm sure you're well aware of it. )
The grammar isn't too bad, but it could you could definitely do some reading through. It seems you mostly have trouple with tenses and well, apostrophes. Nothing too, too major. Though, I would suggest you get someone to read over it for you before posting it. If you're interested, I'm available to do it for you.
(Sorry if it seems like I'm riping at it, I just want to tell you what stands out the most to me, it's usually the structure of the story, before the plot itself.)
I know it's suppose to be an Erotica story, but, well, Erotica isn't just about getting down and dirty. It's about arousing your reader along with your characters. You pull the story along a little too quickly, in my opinion, to really get me interested in Vivian. I don't, sympathize or relate to her circumstances in any way because I don't know her before this situation.
I think that if you add a little to the beginning of your chapter, giving us a bit more of an insight on how Vivian is before she's tossed into these circumstances, we'll be able to cheer her on, and feel frightened for her and her current situation.
Also, the timeframe for this wouldn't allow for a lord of a manor to abbreviate his words, at least, not something like, "little" to "lil". I think that if you brush those up, you'll make him far more authetic to the time you're placing him in.
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redykelso [2007-08-09 02:04:33 +0000 UTC]
I don't mind people giving me feedback, I enjoy hearing it and thinking of how I could improve it. I just have been lazy lately, to much work to little free time to fix anything yet or write something new =/ but thankx for reading and commenting.
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GoldenBow9er9er [2007-08-09 01:55:58 +0000 UTC]
that was sooooo soooo awsome!!!!!you need to keep it up! and,not being mean!,if you want you could seperate the paragraphs so its alittle easier to read.thats wat alot of ppl told me...lol do wat you want! its your life!^.^
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redykelso [2007-08-08 03:54:54 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much, I am glad you enjoyed it, I haven't started working on chapter two yet...but I will get to it.
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heroofman [2007-08-06 10:02:16 +0000 UTC]
That was really good, although i don't tend to read these kind of storys much, it had power, you should be really proud.
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TaylorLynne [2007-08-04 17:52:26 +0000 UTC]
Okay Go! That was Very Very good. I am not just being nice either! I enjoyed that immensely. I didn't even skip a part. You have talent in this type of writing. I would liked to have seen more of a period feel if you know what I mean. Princes and the such? Good. But pants on a girl? In a time period like that? Maybe not so much. Probably more along the lines of chemise and dress and things of that nature. I liked your main guy. The girl was a refreshing change from 'woe-is-me-I-shall-fight-him-and-lose-terribly' cliche. I appreciated the little bit of detailing you put in there about how his estate looked. But then again I'm biased about detail. And as for the time period, I don't know about what your intention was, but I felt a definite Italian sort of era. Anyway, yes. Keep at this. I would love to see more plot, only because I know how tiresome a story can get if it's just mindless sex of the same brand every chapter. The flow was smooth, and I'm not going to talk about 'grammer' 'unctuation' and all those things. I think your story is good, and the little things that people LOVE to pick at (grammer, spelling, punctuation) is not that important in the big picture if you're in it for fun . Your spelling was nice, and the grammer didn't detract from the story. Keep writing. You've got some talent with it.
The only thing I think you should keep in mind is period stuffs. In an era of princes and slaves, there aren't jeans, there are trousers, leggings, dresses, chemises, etc. And the dialouge is more proper.
Good work, hope this was a comprehensive review. I like to do what I can for a good fan of my own work! ^_^
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redykelso In reply to TaylorLynne [2007-08-05 08:36:58 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much for your help. I completely didn't think about the pants not being in the time period or anything haha, thankx for that correction, I appreciate it. As for grammer if I tried it still wouldn't be right, that is one thing I am not very good at. I enjoyed writing it though and I am glad you liked it. And, I also appreciate that you took time out to read it and try to help me. Very rare for people to do. I haven't started working on part two yet, but before I do I might make some changes to this one and fix some things I have noticed while rereading it along with her clothes hah. thankx again.
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