jinuro [2013-04-13 18:05:38 +0000 UTC]
Puhh where are all the comments on this little cutie?? She totally deserves some more what is going on--
But yes! What an adorable little Shaymin! Gosh all the shaymin in this group are so cute whoa. <333 Annabelle is definitely no exception! Her name is so pretty, too. Annabelle, it sounds so pleasant and very fitting of this little lady! And wow okay her outfit is so pretty, yes. The purple looks really nice and the flower in her hair is amazing, omfg. Her bracelets are so cool, wow! And alright her close up is killing me, so adorableeee! Her green hair is so lovely, very flowy and just really pretty! Whoooa your style is like super gorgeous too, I almost forgot because I was so wrapped up in her charm haha. asdfgh her earsssss are so perfect. They kinda make her look a little elfish? If that makes sense. And fpfsdst that fur on her shoulders (and back maybe?) is so cute, it looks really soft and touchable! <33
ALSO her personality is like totally amazing, hahaha. She's such a cute and well thought out shaymin, woo. I'd love to rp with you, maybe notes? And congrats on getting in, as well!
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DewyCat [2013-02-18 00:08:31 +0000 UTC]
Hi~ I saw your request for critiques
Everything I write is just my opinion, I'm not trying to discredit your ideas at all! I think they are pretty great on their own! Feel free to use anything I say to revise your application!
I always start with the picture, so here we go!
- Shaymin, nice, I haven't seen any land forms beside yours! It should help getting into the group! Also, she looks sweet and adorable, I love her close up
- Visually, the font is pleasing and cohesive to the character, I'd suggest changing the color though... It's too thin and light to be seen clearly.
~Darken color?
~Bold?
~If you worked in a photo-manipulation program (photoshop), you can add an additional layer of the same text, with a dark color, that will act as a shadow and bring out the current text!
- Sweet name, I think it fits. And provides many nicknames
- Age, appropriate.
- Careful nature, only thing I have to say is maybe add a description, careful could be seen as regular for shaymin, you just want to show how it fits her, individually.
- Ah It is quite the History, not always bad, but while applying, it can be daunting to mods. Personally I'd consider looking back and seeing if you can par it down at least till you're accepted... if all the details are crucial, don't worry! You just don't want too much unnecessary information!
- Second thing I notice, is they are blocky, it helps to minimize the 'scariness' to a history by giving an extra space between paragraphs, easier to read that way!
- HERE WE GO!
- Grammatically, you don't need a comma between "born" and "one", it will actually increase flow without it.
- "Said" and that whole sentence should be with "A child of the flower.
~Consider something like "She was born one among many. A child of the flower, said to be the breath that slips between the petals, their heart made from the dew and nectar, and provided strength from the very stems of the flower. Shaymin.." It seems like you're a victim of run on sentences, don't worry, I usually am too. But I think something that would greatly help the voice, sound and flow of your work, here at least, would be to read it out loud a few times. This will help you see where it's not flowing right, and where it should be changed.
- "Into a valley" doesn't make sense here... consider a different phrase?
- If you're looking to pair down the history, the description of her home isn't necessary. Everything past "icy cliffs' to"Herds".
- While I'm there, "Herds, flocks," is redundant. Pick one.
- I like the comparison to Eden...
~Maybe a better flow would be "it was truly an Eden on Earth."
- I like the description of different Shaymin, but here would be a good place also to use less words to minimize the history.
- Why does she care lovingly? it's her job yes, but why does she personally love it?
- The "The same" parts are good. but they should be separated from other things to show it off! It's hidden right now.
~Every day, the same thing; the same path, the same flowers, the same air, the same smells, the same morning, the same night."
- This "Finicky down to her core, disliking the taste, and feel, of dirt inbetween her fingers" does NOT go with loving the flowers and gardening... especially when there is no reason why she does...
~Maybe she doesn't like gardening because she gets dirty?
~Maybe she wishes she was a Sky form?
- THIS IS AWESOME "Covering only small distances of flowers each day, she paid particular attention to every petal, careful to ensure that they remained at the brink of perfection." Because it fits DIRECTLY into her OCD... not so much a love, but it's attentiveness to every flower.
- The "But. Every day. The same flowers." isn't needed. It's not bad, but not needed either. it doesn't do anything to further the piece.
~Plus it should be "but, it was everyday. It was the the same flowers." with possible bold on everyday, and same.
- Check and double check all spelling! I haven't seen anythin up till now, I think, but Shaymin is spelled wrong in the first line or your 5th paragraph.
- Capitalization as well, "Shamans, Druidic folks," I believe "Druidic" should be "druid". Under capitialized, and just druid.
- Why do others seek enlightenment from the gardens?
- You say "dirt of a thousand lifetimes" I think you should just take this out altogether. It's a great line, but it doesn't work with your character. She HATES dirt, it wouldn't be hand in hand with her fascination.
- Father Marsh should have his own paragraph. He is an entirely new idea and should be show cased
- Sounds like she should have a wonderment for different skies, maybe that means she is fond of stars period? Just an idea for another hobby or fun fact. it would add another dimension her her character.
- "Annabelle wasn't the bravest little hedgehog in the bush" great line FANTASTIC <3 .. take out the indeed before it though, totally not needed.
- The next two sentences should be one, use a comma.
- I like the stowaway idea, not your classic leaving story here.
- I'd suggest combining the two paragraphs talking about her escape, minimize the words. It's already very repetitive here.
- From this next paragraph up till her not loosing hope, could be one, MAYBE two paragraphs. Condense!! So many extra words are in here and mean nothing. They just make it harder to read and stay focused.
- Lastly, many groups don't like it when you mention acceptance to their group.
~ Consider ,"it was with a stroke of spiritual fate that brought the Shaymin to a stranger structure within the forest."
OVER ALL~ I like your history. The basic concept behind it is great! it just needs to be majorly condensed because of all the unnecessary words, and grammatically checked thoroughly.
Read through it out loud, over and over, that will be your biggest help.
- Very Finicky, interesting. It's uncommon and a very good choice! And goes great with the OCD.
- An extra to add to your moveset could be descriptions of the actual moves or how she feels about them.... not necessary, but it's an extra "sparkle" to add to your application
- I like that she hates being dirty, because it's very true to shaymin... but it can become sueish...
~Maybe it's to the point of a phobia? If clothing gets dirty, she could burn them, throw them out or something! It's just an idea to help accentuate her quirk.
- Reason for fear of pain?
- OCD, that to me definitely opens up phobias... Plus, only her character has this, it's an untouched trait. Definitely something that makes your character stand out.
- Flower crowns.. cute~
*Something to think about ... the "alone" makes her seem a bit "put-offish"
- I understand the horror movie thing! It's a very specific trait, and shows that you've thought more about your character than just what the app requires!
Over all~ She seems like a well rounded and interesting character. Her history needs work, but everything else seems pretty good as it is.
Good luck, I'd be glad to come back and see how you change it!
Hope we see each other on the other side!👍: 0 ⏩: 1
ElfSama In reply to DewyCat [2013-02-18 17:21:00 +0000 UTC]
Hello,
A friendly creative mind to another.
I read your critique on this application and feel that your own critiques need work.
Try not to critique on a person's image.
Not everyone has the same skills as another, nor the same opinions. I found the light colors of the application appealing. They gave the character a light happy feeling that one normally associates to Shaymin.
So, refrain from such a subject unless the image can not be seen well, or unless something in the image goes against the rules of a group.
The color suggestion can be consider a crit on a person's style, and a style should be left to the artist.
The next area is your corrections on the history's content.
Yes, the history is long, yet enjoyable and reaches every detail. It may be a daunting task to read, however it does show how much a person wants to join. A short post would be wretched and seem lazy.
So unless a post is too short, try not judge on long length and perhaps, instead, suggest breaks, as you have.
Some of your 'grammatical errors' are actually style choices. You did catch a few errors in there, but small grammatical errors should be noted with a "You have a few Grammar errors, such as -here- and -here-. Try rereading to catch those again!"
Try to steer away from correcting someone's style. When it comes to writing there is the traditional English you learn in high school, then there is the free lance styles that come with different people. If everyone wrote with perfect school book grammar, then many novels would be boring to read.
So allow some stylistic writing to show.
Only comment on such a thing if the writing is too hard to read to understand. I could understand your grammar fixes above if it was hard to read, but it isn't and it flows smoothly.
In modern day, it is true people have short attention spans. However, if you dive into old literature, you'll find that much of it is long and drawn out. One chapter in a book I've read was just about a man taking a single sip of his morning tea! So even though this application's history has a lot of extra additions, this does not mean is it wrong and should be corrected.
Onward to the extra information.
Although you may find her fear of dirt a 'sue' trait, you should not extend it to phobia. This is worse, this is extreme. Her character does not seem to be the sort to panic and light clothing on fire just from a few specks of grime.
If Shaymin the Pokemon does not like dirt, then it seems reasonable to add that into the character. A more 'sue' trait would be a fear of fire, since that seems to be very common among grass type Pokemon.
OCD does not always lead to phobias, but more anxiety. Stress is what is felt due to OCD, as the person might have to worry often if something is not to their liking. However, the mild OCD above is common, and perhaps related to perfectionism, along with the dislike of dirt.
For critiques it's important to look over everything, but not shove yourself into a person style choices.
That seems to be one of your only issues. As important as grammar is, allow breathing room.
I hope this critique helps you with future ones!
We don't want to lead people into a hole when we mean to help them!
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