gandof79 [2013-03-01 19:43:51 +0000 UTC]
nah; the whole thing isn't too bad in the gore section. it sits well as is, and it has a dark impression that makes me want to read the rest. if i were to rate this out of 7(because someone i watch just rated his highest as 7 for no reason) i would give it a solid 4 with the potential for a 5.
it lacks some better descriptions that would help it out, like in the first paragraph, we have no idea if the cave is located in a desert, or by an ocean. I do enjoy the description of the boy though, which helps give an image of the boy before he goes into the back expanse of caverns hidden by the rest of the world. I would say a self-edit would help get the flow with the descriptions down right.
~at times I was caught off guard to who was taking the stage, the boy or his captors. even though they are separated somewhat by paragraphs, it's important to solidify who is the person you want to be focused on. For example, the boy's name is Nathan, so we, the audience, focus on that on a more personal level than just 'the boy' or 'the dragon', and helps them identify with the feelings you give your character to portray.
overall thought it was good. the flow is only interrupted slightly by these problems, and i think, like i said already, after a self-edit, it could be a very nice story.
i'll keep an eye over here for further posts.
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