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Roulle — In a cavern
Published: 2009-01-14 17:41:04 +0000 UTC; Views: 600; Favourites: 8; Downloads: 3
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Description
In a cavern of words I confiscateyour sorrow, your kiss, your remorse.
I pry open tremulous eyelids
and suck out the poison flower of your sight.
Disparate man, folding and unfolding yourself
like a nervous ghost,
I will take the fire journey of your kisses,
your tongue scraping the blood beneath my skin---
after our great war, what will be left?
Your beaten earth and broken bones,
the gash of love grown over with moss
to cover vulnerable flesh.
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Comments: 5
Like it. a bit disjointed but enough about you; the poem is prety cool, but I fhat you are holding a part of it back, perhaps to avoid a conflict. I bet the drafts were interesting.
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So, my big issue is the structure. I don't see any reason for the stanza to have different numbers of lines. Moving "after our great war, what will be left?" to the last stanza works thematically as well. My suggestion there would be shape the transition between those lines a little and make use of the enjambment to build that final bit of intrigue a little more.
I also might suggest moving "yourself" from the 5th to the 6th line.
Overall, I do like it, and you handle the topic without waxing sentimental. You have some good images, such as "the poison flower of your sight". I'm not sure about the "fire journey of your kisses" though. I think I can discern what they mean, but that might be the weakest line for me. Keep at it though
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Holy crapping crap! You!
And what a way to welcome you back, great stuff (:
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thank you!
it was a long time coming.
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