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Roulle — bark
Published: 2007-06-20 09:16:01 +0000 UTC; Views: 268; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 18
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Description
I sing like a woman who hasstuffed her throat with crowfeet,
the small wrinkled bands that extend from the
roots of a gnarled body barely youthful but young
in way that could not be helped.
I can't help the sea that drapes itself
against my eyelid and collapses friendly
like a dog, a pet of death foaming and cold
at oars of feet.
It is not sand but the nerves i have plucked from
my skin and eyeglasses that line the lip of the world
like an 80 percent water on the rocks soul sucker.
Comments: 2
It was the beginning, the first three lines, really, that pulled me into the poem. A strong beginning is hard to make, and this piece has it. However, for me, lines four and five seem loose and lank when compared to the beginning (perhaps it is the closeness of "youthful" and "young" or the apparent wordiness and blandness of "in way that could not be helped.", but the part falls flat for me).
Nonetheless, I truly enjoyed the similes and images of this poem. They carried me along, surprising me at each turn. A pleasure to read. (:
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I love the tone of this, and the images are nicely constructed using very unique wordings. I particularly liked "...sea that drapes itself
against my eyelid and collapses friendly
like a dog, a pet of death foaming and cold
at oars of feet."
One thing that may need to be looked at is the last three lines. They came off a little fast, jumbling them when I read the first couple times through. Maybe throwing in a comma or something would allow the reader to take a breath midway through, and also allow the thoughts of the sentence to sit in a little better. Possible put the comma after "world". Also, I think it sounds better if you remove "[the] rocks"
so it reads "like an 80 percent water on rocks soul sucker."
And also, you have an extra space after "like" on the last line. Probably a typo lol.
Just a few suggestions, but great poem nonetheless.
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