HOME | DD
Roulle — we rub our palms together
Published: 2008-11-15 18:48:02 +0000 UTC; Views: 400; Favourites: 6; Downloads: 8
Redirect to original
Description
we rub our palms togetherlike beach memories: I am the sand and
you are the wave, hissing the
clandestine waters into my ear.
My fingers walk along your landscape,
collect memories like shells,
deep sharp deposits litter your body
and my soft arms become covered
in your wet secrets like blood.
I feel your kiss, hear the dizzy roar of it
in barren fingertips.
My mouth circles you like a vulture--
retreats again and again to the same place;
the search for the hidden drumbeat,
the echo that brings the return,
the crooked need for flesh like smooth grapes--
we cast off the nets of our bodies
and throw them into the sea.
Related content
Comments: 4
the crooked need for flesh like smooth grapes--
<3
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
oops my comment got mixed up when I cut and paste. the first part should have been:
"hissing the
clandestine waters into my ear"
love that, brilliant assonance, and the careful succinct word choice
"and my soft arms become covered"
you don't need the word soft here, it seems like an add for, for the purpose of having an adjective
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
"hissing the
clandestine waters into my ear"
"and my soft arms become covered"
you don't need the word soft here, it seems like an add for, for the purpose of having an adjective
love that, brilliant assonance, and the careful succinct word choice
"in your wet secrets like blood."
Blood is too harsh for this poem, it stands out very starkly and is jarring. Wet secrets is also weak, you could find a better way to say that, or omit it as you've said the exact same thing with clandestine waters.
"I feel your kiss, hear the dizzy roar of it
in barren fingertips"
love that, the word roar is so beautiful, again a brilliant double meaning with that word, using a word to describe the surf, yet also to describe the raw nature of love, almost animalistic.
"the crooked need for flesh like smooth grapes"
didn't quite get that. I understand the allusion, but it's too tangible for this, you could say this more subtelty, more powerfully.
Overall I really enjoyed this, and excuse me if my critique isn't too well founded, they're just my general thoughts. I haven't read poetry in a very long time, but I loved this.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0