Comments: 7
PixieParrot [2012-09-13 02:36:24 +0000 UTC]
Hello! I'll kindly critique your app for you. Please don't take me as a harsh critic I'd love to see your character make it into the group.
My critique is going to be harsh because the mods will be grading you harshly. Just a heads-up.
Your character is a Mary-Sue. Here's all the things Mary-Sue about her history (paragraph by paragraph)-
P 1-This whole thing seems unlikely. What are the chances of this happening? Why would her mother give her daughter to a random stranger? That's unrealistic. Plus this goes into the "tragic past" trait. Take that part out. Make it so she lives with her family. Plus this event seems to only be in here for drama's sake. I don't really see how her seperating from her family affects her life. (Besides being the only zoura...).
P 2-It seems kinda convient that two well-off people just happened to see her. Just saying.
P 3-"She went to school in Ecruteak and was constantly made fun of due to her odd looks." Bullied because she's a shiny. That's a big no-no. The mods don't like that type of stuff. Take the bullying out together. Its just contributing to the "everyone hates her" trait. Also it doesn't help that she's distant. Pokette wants residents who are engaging on some level.
As for her talent I feel it seems like she's perfect. She picks up a needle and soon is creating full-on dresses in popular demand. It seems very unrealistic.
S 4- Asked by a major fashion magazine? What are the chances of that happening to a girl her age? She just starts sewing and now she's famous. She's accomplishing too much too fast.
S 5-This paragraph contributes to her Mary-Sue-ness even more. Everyone at the fashion place hates her and tortures her. Why do they hate her? Some of the things you mention could actually be considered harrassment. If I was Winter I would sue. It contributes even more to the "everyone hates her" trait. Plus it doesn't make sense. Why does Winter not want to leave?
S 6-While you give a reason I think the mods wouldn't like the fact that's she's moving beacause of bullies.
Now onto her personality-
-"There is not a bad bone in her little body." Really? Take that part out.
-You make her seem fragile and sweet. I don't really see any really bad traits about her. Make a t-chart. Three good traits and three bad traits.
Overall I feel you have a lot of work to do. I suggest completely rewriting the story. Make it so she lives with her family. Downplay her sewing hobby and don't make her seem super-good first time she does it. Take out the bullying aspect all together. Make her go through a major yet realistic obstacle. Or you could give her a quirk and center it around that.
As for her apperance-zouras are a pretty common pokemon in groups. Plus shinies are screaming "Mary-Sue". I suggest changing her species to something more unique and non-shiny. But's that totally up to you.
One more thing-the grammar is still weird. Cloths should be "clothes" and I see many mispellings and weird sentence structure. I suggest you have someone look it over.
Good luck!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Ruby666 In reply to PixieParrot [2012-09-13 03:21:34 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much for looking over my app and taking the time to write this. I don't think i'll be making as sever changes as you mentioned. Your opinion has been noted and once more i thank you for taking the time to take a look at her.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
PixieParrot In reply to Ruby666 [2012-09-13 03:43:03 +0000 UTC]
That's fine. My critique was merely suggestions-you're the final say what goes in your app.
Good luck!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0