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Ruby666 — PKMC - Winter Application

Published: 2012-09-01 04:07:10 +0000 UTC; Views: 233; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 1
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I am dyslexia it so i have a tendency to word things oddly, spell things funny, and screw up my grammar. Please don't take it like i'm not trying, my brain just screws it up a lot. Chrome and Word can only edit so much ><
this is also looked over by my boyfriend. I would love if any one would be able to point out the remaining grammatical/spelling issues
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NAME: Winter

NICKNAME: None right now

AGE: 18

BIRTHDAY: December 4

GENDER: Female

NATURE: Timid
/Timid Helpful Nice Quiet Nervous Low self esteem Jumpy
- Being timid Winter is such a quiet and nervous Pokemon. She jumps at loud noises, cries when yelled at, and underestimates her own abilities. Constantly thinks negatively about her self. Winter might be down on her self a lot but she tries to smile when ever she can. Loves to help others and gives constant praise on others work. There is not a mean bone in her little body.

POKEMON: Zorua

HOMETOWN: Born in Castelia City, Grew up in Olivine City

HISTORY:
Before She knew it
In the bustling city of Castelia a large family of Zorua were on the move. They would be taking a boat from the city’s port to the Liberty Garden. Winter was the youngest child of this huge family, the youngest of six in fact. Her mother was tired and wanted nothing more than to get to their new home, so she took the infant to the boat first. Hailing a sailor, she asked him to watch the baby while she gathered the rest of the children. Distractedly, he waved her off and continued his work, neither of them realizing that Winter was placed on the wrong boat. Giving a thumbs-up the sailor untied the boat and waved it off. The sleeping Zorua lay unnoticed as the craft spend off towards Johto.

Her new family
Luckily a traveling Espeon and Umbreon noticed the wailing baby and took her in. Light, the espeon, was an older Pokémon who had always wanted children but had never been blessed with one. Winter to her was her Holiday Miracle. She made a living designing and making her own clothes, while her husband, Dark, the Umbreon, ran the store that sold them. Together they welcomed Winter into their home.

Growing Up
Being the only Zorua, that she knew of in Johto, left Winter feeling ostracized. She went to school in Ecruteak and was constantly made fun of due to her odd looks. Winter became a very quiet and distant Pokémon with no friends.
At home her true talent blossomed. Purely by accident, did the small Zorua pick up a needle and put it to fabric. A favorite toy of Winter’s ripped while playing. Not wanting to bother her hard working parents, she grabbed a needle and tried to fix it herself. It was not perfect but the talent was there. Light was overjoyed to see her daughter take to her trade. She encouraged her with praise and helpful tips, even getting Winter a sewing kit for her birthday. When Dark took her first dress and put it in the shop, it sold in no time. Soon her clothes were being demanded and the father daughter team could barely keep up with the orders.

The start of her Career
Winter was approached by a fashion magazine which offered her more then she could ever want. Her family was whisked away to Goldenrod to live and to start the young girl’s career.

It’s all downhill from here
With her timid nature Winter did not take to the fashion world. Even with her natural talent she did not have the competitiveness that was required. She would come home in tears because of how unfair her fellow workers were to her.
Finally after watching her daughter suffer at the hands of the fashion industry Light put her foot down and said enough was enough. She begged Winter to leave the company and move back home with her and Dark, they had decided that Goldenrod was not their home. The small Zorua was determined to stand on her own two feet, and not let them beat her.
Though her heart was in the right place Winter was no match for the cruelty of some Pokémon. When her fellow designers learned that she would not leave, no matter how much they pushed her around, they turned to less savior tactics. Before long Winters notes would vanish, coffee stains appeared on her fabric, and many of her finished designs ended up in shreds. After one such disaster Winter came to the realization that she was not cut out for this job, she was far too young to let her life continue in such a heart breaking way.

Time to move on
Winter made the choice that she needed to leave. She needed a quiet place away from everything and everyone. She wanted her own clothing store like her mother not the harsh cold company she had spent 3 years in. Packing her bags, and taking her money, Winter got on a bus and headed out.
Thanks to a loud Luxio Winter chose Pokette as her final stop.

HOBBY: Making Clothes, Star Gazing, Drawing (mostly fashion ideas sometimes other pokemon)

JOB: Sells clothes from her house

FAVORITE FOOD: Tiramisu

FAVORITE BERRY: Mago Berry. Due to its firmness and sweetness

CATCHPHRASE: Rua~

EXTRAS:
~ Doesn't like to talk about the fashion business
~ Has a locket (hidden under her fluff that has a picture of her Mom and Dad)
~ All of the clothes she wears are made by her or her mom
~ Attacks: Night Daze, Shadow Ball, Faint Attack, Dig
~ Winter is a rather petite Zorua and is often scene as younger because of this. It doesn't bug her though.
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Comments: 7

PixieParrot [2012-09-13 02:36:24 +0000 UTC]

Hello! I'll kindly critique your app for you. Please don't take me as a harsh critic I'd love to see your character make it into the group.

My critique is going to be harsh because the mods will be grading you harshly. Just a heads-up.

Your character is a Mary-Sue. Here's all the things Mary-Sue about her history (paragraph by paragraph)-

P 1-This whole thing seems unlikely. What are the chances of this happening? Why would her mother give her daughter to a random stranger? That's unrealistic. Plus this goes into the "tragic past" trait. Take that part out. Make it so she lives with her family. Plus this event seems to only be in here for drama's sake. I don't really see how her seperating from her family affects her life. (Besides being the only zoura...).

P 2-It seems kinda convient that two well-off people just happened to see her. Just saying.

P 3-"She went to school in Ecruteak and was constantly made fun of due to her odd looks." Bullied because she's a shiny. That's a big no-no. The mods don't like that type of stuff. Take the bullying out together. Its just contributing to the "everyone hates her" trait. Also it doesn't help that she's distant. Pokette wants residents who are engaging on some level.

As for her talent I feel it seems like she's perfect. She picks up a needle and soon is creating full-on dresses in popular demand. It seems very unrealistic.

S 4- Asked by a major fashion magazine? What are the chances of that happening to a girl her age? She just starts sewing and now she's famous. She's accomplishing too much too fast.

S 5-This paragraph contributes to her Mary-Sue-ness even more. Everyone at the fashion place hates her and tortures her. Why do they hate her? Some of the things you mention could actually be considered harrassment. If I was Winter I would sue. It contributes even more to the "everyone hates her" trait. Plus it doesn't make sense. Why does Winter not want to leave?

S 6-While you give a reason I think the mods wouldn't like the fact that's she's moving beacause of bullies.

Now onto her personality-
-"There is not a bad bone in her little body." Really? Take that part out.
-You make her seem fragile and sweet. I don't really see any really bad traits about her. Make a t-chart. Three good traits and three bad traits.

Overall I feel you have a lot of work to do. I suggest completely rewriting the story. Make it so she lives with her family. Downplay her sewing hobby and don't make her seem super-good first time she does it. Take out the bullying aspect all together. Make her go through a major yet realistic obstacle. Or you could give her a quirk and center it around that.

As for her apperance-zouras are a pretty common pokemon in groups. Plus shinies are screaming "Mary-Sue". I suggest changing her species to something more unique and non-shiny. But's that totally up to you.

One more thing-the grammar is still weird. Cloths should be "clothes" and I see many mispellings and weird sentence structure. I suggest you have someone look it over.

Good luck!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Ruby666 In reply to PixieParrot [2012-09-13 03:21:34 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much for looking over my app and taking the time to write this. I don't think i'll be making as sever changes as you mentioned. Your opinion has been noted and once more i thank you for taking the time to take a look at her.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

PixieParrot In reply to Ruby666 [2012-09-13 03:43:03 +0000 UTC]

That's fine. My critique was merely suggestions-you're the final say what goes in your app.

Good luck!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

bojangle387 [2012-09-11 23:54:08 +0000 UTC]

Hi! I'm just going to get straight to the main points:
You should really triple-check your grammar and spelling. I found a lot of errors while reading her history.
I think, since the main focal points of Winter's timid nature are due to her being bullied a lot, even in the workplace, you should exercise that more. Maybe not explain how they bullied her, but a certain experience or maybe even a certain push that sent Winter to the point of realization.
I'm not so sure about that portion in the first part of her history in parentheses to visualize a picture for the reader. If anything, I think you should just take it and implement it into the history to make that part more clear.
Last thing, and this one is completely up to you whether you want to change it or not. I think that you should explain more about Winter's designing and cloths. It says in the paragraph, "At home was the only time she shined. With small nimble fingers she was able to [*sew] faster and with more detail then her mother." Maybe you could put something about how long she spent working on the designs she was so proud of. Or maybe give an excerpt from one of the parents saying something nostalgic or endearing like 'Oh my, how many fabrics did she have in her room? It was like walking into a lightshow!'

I hope I was able to help you out!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Ruby666 In reply to bojangle387 [2012-09-12 00:46:48 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much i took your advice and edited her history. I even got my boyfriend to look it over to catch some of the mistakes i missed.
I hope it looks better now. Thank you so much

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

bojangle387 In reply to Ruby666 [2012-09-12 20:42:07 +0000 UTC]

Yeah, this looks great! A few commas missing, but that was the only real error I saw. I think you are good, or if you wanna ad or take anything, feel free!
and I'm glad I could help

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Ruby666 In reply to bojangle387 [2012-09-12 20:48:54 +0000 UTC]

Awesome glad i was able to improve it. Thank you for helping me out

👍: 0 ⏩: 0