HOME | DD
Sammur-amat — Reason for Earthquakes
by-nc-nd
Published: 2012-06-07 18:46:10 +0000 UTC; Views: 647; Favourites: 16; Downloads: 5
Redirect to original
Description
The fear of him & his boisterous form has left us, her children unfeeling of her woes.Can you hear that?
She's stuttering.
Can you see that? Feel that?
She's quivering.
We, her clumsy fearful children, scamper to hide under table tops & sturdy study desks.
Her veins are popping;
It can clearly be seen on the outlines of her face
In her wrath, she engulfs the city in its entirety.
We, her children, plead with her for mercy but her anger has already taken her over the edge &
She only comes to after irreparable damage is done.
Only then will her anger be appeased & then
followed by absolute distress,
She wells up in tears & her children are drenched in her sorrow.
She is but a shell of the woman she used to be-
Her garden of roses & spirit of lilies
Have long been paved over by concrete men of steel minds.
She is a battered wife & an unappreciated mother.
She is our tender mother earth & earthquake in all her disgrace. We are failures as her children.
Related content
Comments: 52
Thank you so very kindly for taking the time to write this critique! 
It is so very dearly appreciated, lovely!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
sub>hey (: i came across your poem when i was looking through the critiqueable section, and was drawn to the title. i'm from a city that's had a lot of earthquakes in the ast few years (over ten thousand if you'd believe it!) so i can relate to this work.
i'd like to start off by saying that i really liked this! the concept is marvellous, really creative, hence the high mark for "originality".
i like your style of writing; the "prosetry" form works well for what you're trying to convey.
a few suggestions:
perhaps change the line "her vein is popping" (and therefore the lines after it in the verse) to "her veins are popping"? just a thought; i think it might help with the aesthetic.
the line i liked the least: "Us children"
for me, these two lines feel a little sloppy, i think it could be a little less colloquial? i'm not sure; it just doesn't gel with the rest of the work for me.
the line i liked the most? "Her garden of roses and spirit of lilies / Have long been paved over by concrete men of steel minds."
this line is FANTASTIC. all caps, that's how much i like it. wooow.
was there enough substance or too much of it? just enough (:
thank you for posting this! well done (:
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and critique my work, I truly appreciate it!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
haha, it was my pleasure (:
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Ahahahah! That's one simplified explanation!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Interesting, but I'm afraid I'm not able to fully grasp the words (it happened to me before, when reading your poems).
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Well you win, some you lose some I guess, I'm referring to myself by the way, dear friend.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I sometimes feel my English (forged during the past two decades and a half)is simply playing tricks on me...
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You're not the only one
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Thank you kindly, lovely! I'm so glad you approve!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Ooh, I love "her spirit of lilies". Something so innocent about it. <3
If I could offer one suggestion, it'd be that this line...
"We, her children, clumsily and fearfully scamper & hide under table tops & sturdy study desks."
...is a little clumsy with three ands all in a row. Maybe something like this?
"We, her clumsy fearful children, scamper to hide under table tops and/& sturdy study desks."
Up to you, of course. ^^ I just tripped over that line on the first read.
Really lovely work, sweets. <3
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Gah I never noticed that very very extremely irritating cluster of and's! :\ I shall be editing this piece ASAP.
Thank you so very kindly for pointing it out to me, dizzylove
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You are just super, you know that?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
sddagsgshajasdggf NO U! 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I didn't really get into this. I stumbled a bit over sturdy study desks and it can clearly be seen - to me, that last line I mentioned needs to be swapped around a bit. It feels ... jerky.
In addition, I really abhor the use of & in prose and poetry, it looks out of place. As such, I didn't really enjoy the last few lines.
However, I really did like this line: Her garden of roses & spirit lilies, Have long been paved over by concrete men of steel minds. I would like it much better if you used and though. But, personal preference.
Overall ... It wasn't really something I would read again. I'm not a huge fan of the subject matter, so please keep that in mind when you read this.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Let me start off by saying thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my work, I truly appreciate it!
Hmm, I see what you mean, I'll see what I can do.
The usage of the ampersand on this piece is merely of artistic preference, so I get that some people would feel disinclined from it, I'm keeping it though.
Those are my favorite lines as well
I totally understand that. If there's one thing I've come to learn and accept when it comes to submitting artwork and requesting for comments and critiques is that I cannot please everybody and I need to learn to be fine with it.
Again, thank you so very much for taking the time to write this, lovely lady!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
No problem at all.
Excellent!
Your own choice of course, I simply felt it out of place.
Exactly. I hate the use of the ampersand - you like it. Case in point right there.
Once again, it was no trouble at all. Do unto others as you wish done to you, and all that.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I really like the energy in this and the formatting lends itself well to the pacing.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Yeah, I was hoping to allow more time for the reader to ponder therefore the wide- spaces. Thank you so very kindly for your humbling words!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Very poignant and moving. I thought the amount of substance was very nicely balanced - not too much, not too little.
My favourite lines are
" Her garden of roses & spirit of lilies
Have long been paved over by concrete men of steel minds."
The metaphor in the second line is very effective. I love how these two lines contrast - the beauty and Romanticism of the first, set against the hard reality of the second.
There was only one line I was unsure of (I loved the rest)
"followed by absolute distraught"
I feel that replacing "distraught" with "distress" might be more grammatically correct in this context, but I'm no expert!
To sum up, this is an excellent and thought-provoking piece. I completely agree with the sentiments expressed in your work. Hopefully people will start moving towards "greener" lifestyles before it's too late.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you so very much for taking the time to read and comment on my work, I truly appreciate it!
Those are my favorite lines as well, thank you
That I shall do then, thank you for pointing it out for me!
I am so very glad the message got across. Thank you once again for your loveliness!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You're very, very welcome! It was truly a pleasure to read your beautiful work! 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thanks again and this has already been edited!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
So I see You're very welcome
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I like the little twist at the end there. 
I was thinking that, in the first line, you could change 'her children' to 'us', as throughout the rest of the poem you say 'we, her children' and I didn't get the sense that it was actually us in the very first line, if that makes any sense.
Other than that I like this a lot. 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
First off, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my piece, I really appreciate it!
I am so glad it didn't come out preach-y and am thrilled to know you've enjoyed the read!
Actually that makes plenty sense, will edit that bit right after I finish typing this comment up!
Once again, thank you so very much for taking the time and effort, I am humbled by you
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
No problem, I'm glad I could help.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Done and edited by the way
Thanks again!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you so very kindly, lovely missy!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you sweetie, I'm really glad you enjoyed the read!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
This is lovely. I love the way it sounds like an abusive mother but then it turns into nature. Just amazing. Well done, keep writing!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
| Next =>