Comments: 20
harryak [2009-03-16 08:45:20 +0000 UTC]
What I really like with this is the "background", you seem to have the whole world in your head to write the impressions. The story has some good scenes, but it´s too "halting", some passages are slow and almost boring (doesn´t mean bad, could be part of telling), others are much too fast, and the ending is like you wanted to finish it fast ;D. Some ideas are thrown away too fast, that with the blood in the beginning could be used further on (blood is always a good symbol xD) and that jump from the interview (which was too short, too ;D) to that race was like the beginning of a new story, I didn´t really get your point there...
Writing could be better, mainly you have to decide a style I think, sometimes you describe all very professional in a few words with even stylistic devices^^, sometimes it´s rather colloquial, both could be very good when they are not that "mixed up".
And, okay, one thing I recognized often is that you usually start all sentences with "I", it could be boring to read that
So practice would make quite a good writer I think
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samtheflash82 In reply to harryak [2009-03-17 02:05:27 +0000 UTC]
yeah, i realize its not as good as it good be and that is for the sole reason of having a deadline to meet. i may go back and revise it if i get some spare time. thanks for the tips.
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Dcreativ [2009-02-25 10:03:50 +0000 UTC]
It is interesting that you placed an allusion on the first part of the paragraph, with the broken fiberglass and the wounded arm. It foretells a dire incident that would happen in the story.
There seems to be a shift from past to present tense in your third paragraph. You may write your story in the historical present, but from reading the whole thing, changing the tense on the third to past will suffice.
To compare him as a warrior, it would seem that this man survived from a homicidal bloodbath. He never fought anyone, but he fought to stay alive, from struggling to get a job, from reacting to save himself in the near end of the story.
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ashkamoo [2009-02-23 19:04:39 +0000 UTC]
Have you ever heard an English teacher say, "There's a difference between describing something, and over describing it, adding fluff "? This story has a ton of fluff, the descriptions are overly done. There is some verb tense issues as well. I feel its a bit rushed, sit down and try to add more to this story.
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fucknsk8rchick [2009-02-23 08:48:23 +0000 UTC]
Oooohhh...hmmm
I like it...flew through instead of flew threw
verb tense shift in the 2nd paragraph, otherwise you stick to the same...good
"aggressor...unceremoniously...fiberglass hitchhiker...gingerly...etc." very cool vocabulary choices..seriously, your writing eclipses your age...impressive!!!
anyways (drop the s)
i have "Fear and..."right here...big Depp fan
I like what you've written...I could see it in film... black and white, 'cept maybe the blood...thanks for sharing it!
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samtheflash82 In reply to fucknsk8rchick [2009-02-23 13:42:46 +0000 UTC]
thanks a lot. i was trying really hard not to switch the tenses but it seemed like the only way to say it right. im gonna do somemore writing maybe and post it up here. i wonder what grade this'll get...
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fucknsk8rchick In reply to samtheflash82 [2009-02-24 06:13:12 +0000 UTC]
Chinese fortune cookie..."I see it in your future...it is certain!"And seriously...if you don't get an A...what does it matter...you know you wrote a very cool story, people liked it...and that truly is all that matters...English teachers are often a pissy, bitchy group of mainly old females...trust me, I know...and what they see as literature, and what the real world sees as great, are usually 2 different things...you wrote a wonderful story..gripping, with a riviting and descriptive vocabulary...nothing else matters...
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samtheflash82 In reply to fucknsk8rchick [2009-02-24 13:50:58 +0000 UTC]
haha yeah but i still would like to maintain good grades... college ya know.
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