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8~~ Look Me In The Eyes

My head gently broke the surface of the lake a second before Bernard’s soundlessly appeared in front of me.
“Rachel, is something wrong with you?”
That was the first thing I heard him say, but I was too busy beaming.
Bernard was looking at me with a strange expression, sort of like someone who was getting blamed for something they didn’t do.
“Did I do something wrong?” He asked again.
I couldn’t stop myself from laughing a little. “Why do you keep asking that?”
Now Bernard looked downright perplexed.
“But you keep attacking me,” he said carefully. “Just now, and earlier in the cave. You wrapped your arms around my neck, but… why are you laughing?”
I couldn’t control myself. Was that why he’d been looking so upset before? Did he think I was trying to hurt him?
“Don’t you know what a hug is?” I giggled.
Bernard thought for a second, and then his eyes got wide with sudden realization. “Of course! How could I forget about something like that…?”
Then he looked at me. “So, earlier… that was an act of affection, right?”
“Correct,” I said with plenty of amusement.
Bernard’s expression changed so totally that it was almost startling. That heavy gloom that had been hovering over him all morning had completely vanished, just like that. Bernard exhaled heavily and momentarily slipped beneath the surface of the water before bobbing back up.
“So, you’re telling me that Akire don’t hug?” I commented.
Bernard suddenly looked a little uncomfortable. “Not unless they’re married,” he said quietly, not quite meeting my gaze.
Oh…oh!
“I-I’m sorry,” I said hastily. “Now I feel silly…”
“You were just doing what you normally do,” Bernard said supportively. He had no idea that I wasn’t usually a huggy sort of person. He was the only exception.
Now that we had everything out in the open – most anyway – I felt actually really great. Like nothing in the world could go wrong.
God has a very twisted sense of humor.
A low, but familiar noise began coming from the other side of the lake.
Bernard was quicker than me and managed to glance over at it. In the next second, he had a hold of me and was pulling me underwater.
I thrashed out in alarm as Bernard easily dragged me all the way to the bottom, right in between two huge, algae covered boulders and a rotting tree log.
Suddenly, I realized that Bernard was pinning me to the bottom, and became hyper aware of that fact.
His body was rigid and tense, and every muscle was ready to launch at a moment’s notice.
He was looking back up at the surface of the water, which was some twenty feet above us.
I wasn’t struggling anymore. I was listening.
I knew the sound of an outboard motor well enough, and I could tell that it was coming our way.
I touched Bernard’s shoulder and he looked down at me sharply. I gave him a meaningful look, trying to tell him to get off of me with my eyes. He didn’t realize just how nervous his closeness was making me.
But Bernard shook his head quickly and then looked back up, just as a large, solid shadow sailed by over our heads.
I’d never seen a boat from below before, but it wasn’t hard to figure out that that was what cut through the surface water overhead.
And to my surprise, I could make out a voice. I couldn’t tell what the person was saying, but it was clearly male, and obviously mechanically enhanced. Maybe someone was using a megaphone.
But a moment later, the small boat was speeding towards the other end of the lake, continuing its lap around the perimeter.
Bernard eased off of me, slowly, but before I could appreciate the personal space bubble behind us, I saw him motioning up towards the forest’s edge.
Swim time was over, I guess.

“Don’t beat yourself up over this,” I said bracingly as we began our careful hike back to camp. Bernard shook his head stoically. “No. I should have considered the risks more carefully. Your safety should come first.”
“Your safety should be just as important as mine,” I pointed out.
“It is important,” Bernard countered easily. “And since I’m going to always be with you, our argument only comes full circle.”
I sighed and shook my head, but said nothing. There would be no persuading him when he was like this. But really, what were the odds of running into a boat just before winter? I remembered the person using the megaphone, and once more wondered what they were trying to do other than make a loud racket.
“Once we get back,” Bernard was saying, “I’ll be leaving for a little bit to dispose of the crashed probe. I would rather you stayed in the cave and rested.”
I was a split second away from protesting before I remembered my promise to be good, and I gave in.
But just as I was about to say something else, a very faint, yet abnormal sound caught my attention.
I stopped mid step and waited for the wind to die down again.
Had it just been my imagination?
“Is something wrong?”
I held up one hand to quiet Bernard while I searched with my eyes and ears.
And for a moment, just a tiny moment, the wind paused just before it shifted.
And in that pause I heard the unmistakable sound of someone sobbing.
Carefully I crept forward, Bernard right behind me.
“We need to get going,” Bernard persisted, but he was speaking in an undertone. Surely he’d caught the sound of crying, too.
I spared a glance to the sky over my head, and noticed how brooding it had become. There would be rain for sure, now.
A louder sob made me momentarily freeze. It was coming from the base of an overturned tree, right where the roots had been ripped up out of the ground.
And through the dense brush, I just caught sight of a tiny, human figure.
“It’s a kid,” I breathed, stunned.
“Her parents will be nearby,” Bernard warned me and pulled on my shoulder.
But I wasn’t so sure. With a storming building, I didn’t think it was likely that she’d just be allowed to stay out here. Plus, she was crying, which was never a good sign.
Then it clicked in my head. The boat on the lake, the person using a megaphone, shouting into the hills, trying to find someone… and now, an abandoned little girl, lost in the woods, alone and afraid.
With a terrible drag on my heart, I realized that she wouldn’t survive the building storm when it hit.
“We have to help her,” I said firmly.
“Humans can’t know of our existence,” Bernard said with a hint of desperation. “Even if it’s you, I’ll have to stop you if you try to show yourself.”
“Come on,” I hissed anxiously, “there must be something we can do…”
I began looking around the forest, trying to find anything that could be helpful. Scaring the kid wouldn’t work. Odds are she was already petrified to the spot.
The only way we could help her was if we got directly involved, but that was against the rules.
And then my eyes fell on something, and instantly an idea formed in my head.
“Bernard,” I whispered as I pointed towards the thick, tangled mess of brown moss hanging from a nearby tree, “have you ever heard of Bigfoot?”
***

It took some doing, but eventually Bernard gave the okay.
I was looking like the world’s shaggiest dog standing on two legs. I looked closer to a swamp monster than Sasquatch, but it would have to do.
Bernard opted not to don a disguise as well, but he vowed that he’d be in the shadows, just in case I needed him.
I tied down one more bunch of tree moss, and then I carefully meandered forward, towards the girl. It was difficult, though; my tail was wrapped around my waist, so I had to quickly remember how I used to walk.
The girl was sitting exactly where I thought she’d be, in a slight divot in the ground where the fallen tree had been rooted.
She couldn’t have been older than six, and grasped firmly in her hand was a large teddy bear.
She caught sight of me as soon as I saw her. She froze and became as still as a statue, her eyes growing bigger than I thought eyes could get.
I hesitated, pretending to be taken off guard. I took half a step forward, but continued acting unsure.
The girl suddenly reached into one of her pockets. I heard a faint hiss off to my right, coming from a thick stand of bushes overhanging the fallen tree.
Something that glinted in the light hit the ground in between me and the girl.
I hesitated, though this time it wasn’t an act, until I saw what she’d thrown at me.
It was a candy bar.
I looked back up at the girl, who looked utterly terrified, and then I carefully bent down to pick up the bar.
I couldn’t help but marvel at how brave she was for someone her age.
Carefully, I glanced over one shoulder, back down towards the lake, and then I motioned towards the girl.
I repeated this several times, beckoning in what I hoped seemed to be a non-threatening sort of way while motioning towards the lake.
After nearly a minute of miming, the girl edge forward. I nodded hugely and loped in the direction of the lake.
“W-wait,” the little girl cried out, and she quickly got to her feet.

I made sure that I was always just a little ways in front of her without being too far. She was eager enough to follow, though.
We weren’t even to the lake yet when a voice made the girl look around hastily.
“Chelsea? Chelsea!”
It was the person on the boat, and by the sounds of it they were just about to make another lap.
The little girl, Chelsea, rushed on ahead of me while I feigned being frightened by the megaphone and jumped behind cover.
I didn’t get to see the reunion, but I heard Chelsea calling out at the top of her hoarse lungs, followed shortly by the loud sound of a boat engine racing towards the shore.
I glanced up into the trees above me, unable to stop smiling with relief. I could’ve sworn I saw a sparkling eye glinting back at me.
I have to say, it felt good actually doing something and not having something done to for once. If anything, I should be able to sleep just a bit –
“No! He’s there! See?”
Uh oh.
Chelsea’s voice was getting closer.
Suddenly I realized that she was guiding her family to her rescuer, aka me.
As quick as I could, I strode into the forest, ducking into a bush as I went. The hill was too steep for a normal person to climb with any real haste, so I was safe from that. The sounds of pursuit faded behind me, and after only just a token search, I heard them give up altogether. Perhaps it had something to do with the distant, grumpy rumble in the distance.
When I was sure that I’d gotten to a safe distance, I tried to be stealthier about my movements. I failed, but I still tried.
Three hundred yards later, Bernard ghosted out of the foliage, a strange look on his face. He looked like he didn’t know if he should be furious or appraising.
“I had to help her,” I explained before he could speak.
Bernard stared at me for a second, and then sighed.
“Like father, like daughter, as the saying goes.”
Carefully, he reached out towards me. My entire body went rigid as he pulled the moss off of my head.
“That’s better,” he said kindly, eyes smiling.
I felt like my heart was going to burst. It was unlike anything I’d ever felt before, but at least I knew where it stemmed from; love.
Three days… that’s all it’d taken. Was it possible to honestly fall in love with someone that quickly?
Now that the whole Chelsea drama was out of the way, all I had left to think about was how I felt.
But as I was thinking these wild thoughts, Bernard’s face got a little heavier.
“Come on,” he said in an odd tone, “it’ll start raining soon.”
Perplexed, I followed him back up the hill. Hadn’t the misunderstanding about hugging been cleared up? Was there something else bothering him?
Whatever it was, he didn’t speak the entire way back to camp. He just went and sat down in his usual chair wordlessly.
I knew where he wanted me to go without him saying anything, so as I pulled off the last of the moss, I plopped down in bed again.
But I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t help but watch him, and the more I watched him the more I felt anxious.

The predicted rain shower had been going strong for nearly ten minutes when I couldn’t stop myself anymore.
“Bernard,” I started, “Is there something wrong?”
“No,” he replied in the most unconvincing tone ever. He didn’t even turn around to face me. “I just have a lot of work to do. Please, get some rest.”
Yep, there was something wrong with him.
But he wasn’t giving off a very cooperative aura. He wasn’t his usual self, actually. It wasn’t much of a noticeable shift, but now… he seemed oddly unapproachable, even cranky.
While I thought, I glanced down at his bedroll. Ah, that could be why. Now that I thought about it, he didn’t sleep very much at all. He was usually working when I went to sleep and when I woke up. Just this morning showed how early he got up.
I suddenly had a lump in my throat. He was putting me first… again.
Carefully, I got up.
“Bernard.”
He didn’t look around, but his ears swiveled towards me.
And suddenly, I was very irritated.
I sighed in agitation and stormed over to where he was sitting. Only then did he look around, and by that time I had a hold of his shoulder.
“Rachel, what—?”
I wordlessly hauled him out of his chair and over to my bed.
“Rachel!”
I threw him the last few inches and pinned him down on the bed.
“Now, sleep,” I commanded.
Bernard stared up at me, eyes wide with shock. “Uh… what?”
“I’m not oblivious,” I said bluntly. Bernard blinked, looking even more surprised.
“Do you think you can hide how worn down you are? I already told you, you need to take care of yourself, too.”
I moved my hand from his shoulder to his cheek.
“So please,” I said gently, “get some rest.”
Bernard’s eyelids twitched, but for some reason, he was fighting it.
“No,” he said huskily, “I don’t have time…”
“Shh,” I hushed him. “There’s always time. If it’s for you, there’s always time for anything.”
His eyelids were drooping. His willpower was all that was keeping him conscious.
“You’ll… disappear,” he groaned. He tried to force his way upright, but the attempt was almost laughable. “I won’t be able to see you… You’ll… go away…”
His words took me off guard. Why was that even a concern for him?
But it was, and clearly it was serious enough to war against his tiredness.
Very gently, I moved in closer so that my mouth was almost to one of his ears.
“Only if you tell me to,” I sighed quietly. “Now go to sleep. I have something to tell you when you wake up.”
Bernard’s eyes were only barely open now.
“I’ll be here as long as you need me,” I whispered softly into his ear.
Bernard’s eyelids slid shut, and he drifted off to sleep.
I sat back, and the only thing I could hear was the thundering in my chest. Not even the rain could drown it out.
And nothing could stop it, and nowhere in me was there the desire to try.
“I couldn’t leave you even if I tried,” I said in an undertone.
Bernard didn’t stir at all.

Hours passed, and the rain became a deluge. I was constantly worrying that the roar would rouse Bernard, but he somehow didn’t wake. He must’ve been more tired than I’d thought.
While he slept, I sat at his workplace and looked at either the computer or Bernard.
But I was too worked up to calmly sit in place. My heart would not calm down at all, and it only got more worked up whenever I thought about what was going to happen when Bernard woke up.
So, in order to keep myself from going insane, I flipped open Bernard’s laptop and lightly touched the mouse pad to get it working properly.
Momentarily, I wondered what Bernard did all day on this thing. Well, coming from Bernard, it was undoubtedly for my sake.
And that made me realize something. Bernard saw me as royalty. Was everything he did because I was special in that way?
For some reason, that question made my chest hurt badly enough for me to automatically clutch at it.
Wanting to divert my train of thought, I began randomly opening files.
I knew I’d stepped outside of human territory when the text turned into something strange, with lots of waves and dots. The box seemed to be flashing a question at me, but I had no idea how to answer at all. Instead, I merely backed out and opened up something new. It was a file marked “Sky Direction”.
It took me ten whole minutes to realize what I’d stumbled upon.
The file was full of pictures, maps, notes… all of which seemed to be talking about “Returning home”. None actually showed space travel, but I got the feeling that it was implied.
With a shock, I realized that I’d found Bernard’s plan to return to Eclipse. He had planned it out with excruciating detail, right down to how much attention any sort of flight would gain, which seemed very small.
He had routes, backup routes, backup plans, contingency plans… it was all so convoluted.
Feeling my head starting to hurt, I exited out. I was about to close the laptop again when I saw another file that got me curious again. This one was labeled “Ground Direction”.
It was another file crammed with statistics and plans that were nearly as confusing as the first, but I’d begun to understand Bernard’s writing system.
I was able to overlook the heavier bits, which was most of it. But, I was still able to piece together what Bernard had been laying out, and it made my heart beat even faster.
In short, these innumerable pages were all dedicated to creating a life here, on Earth. I saw that he had accounted for six fully equipped probes, all with medical features just like the one that had changed me.
He had half-finished personal information for himself, including a birth certificate, plausible history and passport. All he was missing were the finer details. He was willing to throw everything away, even his own species, just to stay with me. Was that out of duty? It didn’t seem so.
But what did this all mean…?
Why was he so absolutely willing to stay together? He’d searched for fifteen years for me; he’d done everything in his power to protect me when he found me, and now this… For the first time, I wondered just what motive he had that kept him going at it for so long.
I closed the file and was about to close the laptop again when yet another oddity caught my attention.
It was a file sitting all by itself that had no title at all. It wasn’t a part of any real grouping, which was odd in itself. It was just… there.
Curious, I clicked it. Immediately, a box opened up, this one with the wavy script I’d encountered earlier. This time I had a vague idea of what it was trying to say.
The empty field inside the box sort of gave it away.
For some reason, this file was password protected, whereas the other two hadn’t been.
I sighed, now really curious, but all the same I shut the computer and turned to gaze out the cave mouth.
The mist drifting in through the opening was cold, but refreshing. It made me want to go swimming again.
The trees across the canyon were swaying gently with the storm, and just under the pounding of the rain on the rocks I could hear the wind in the tree tops.
I took to standing by the entrance and staring out into the storm and just let my thoughts drift.
I was glad Chelsea wasn’t out in this. No child deserved to be lost and alone. They should be with their families… with their parents…
Mom and dad… I wondered how they were doing. It was the first time since I’d run away that I’d allowed myself to have such thoughts.
I became vaguely aware that I was touching my necklace.
And Kyle… Why was he looking for me so hard? He even went to old man Benedict, though I could never ask him what made him go in the first place.
And then I remembered Bernard’s words, about how people don’t search for others that don’t mean anything to them.
That also sparked a new thought path that I allowed myself to wander down.
Bernard’s own words could apply to himself, right? Then… how should I interpret that?
Could it mean that…? No, that didn’t seem likely. The only reason had to be because of duty. As much as my heart wished otherwise, it couldn’t mean anything else. There was no proof of anything else.
And yet, I still wanted it to be true that, just maybe, he’d stuck with the search for another reason entirely.
With that, my mind wandering came to an end—my heart was practically assaulting my rib cage at this point. I needed to find some way to calm myself down, even if it was just for a little bit.
But the feeling of my heart pounding so hard wasn’t really un-enjoyable. It was a wholesome feeling that, despite my knee jerk reaction to shy away from it, filled me with feeling I’d never felt before.
I just listened to its pounding. I felt each beat against my chest and hands. It was like I was listening to the greatest, most drawing story ever and I couldn’t ignore it.
I closed my eyes, lost in the moment and just listened…
I heard a slight rustle behind me, but I didn’t look around, not until I heard his voice. “Rachel?”
Slowly my eyes slid open, and already they were aimed in Bernard’s direction.
He was bleary eyed, and looked like he was trying to wake up as fast as he possibly could. Nonetheless, he’d managed to prop himself up in order to look around towards me. But the look on his face was strange. He looked like he’d never seen me before.
“Hey,” I replied. My voice surprised me. It was softer, more peaceful.
Bernard had caught on to the change as well, since he was eyeing me curiously.
I dodged his gaze, afraid that his golden eyes would shatter this inexplicable moment of control. Instead, I looked back out at the rain.
“What have you been doing?” He asked. I heard the creak of the bed frame as he carefully got to his feet.
I opened my mouth, but the thing that came out was not what I’d intended to say. It was a question, for one thing.
“What motivates you?” I asked.
Bernard hesitated, so I finished. “You said you’ve been looking for me for fifteen years. You had no reason to believe I was alive, and yet…” I trailed off for only a moment. “So what kept you going all those years?”
Bernard didn’t speak. He didn’t move. I could see him out of my peripheral vision, but I couldn’t make out what expression he had.
“I…”
I glanced over at Bernard now. He was looking dubious, like he was trying to pick his words carefully. “I… believed. I had faith.”
I felt my brows pucker. “Why?”
“Rachel, are you sure you’re alright?” Bernard asked nervously. I blinked and then thought about his question. Was I acting too strangely?
“I’ve just had some time to think,” I admitted truthfully.
There was a moment of silence, and then Bernard’s shoulders drooped a little. “Before I say anything, can I ask something of you?”
Once more, he surprised me. Not trusting myself to speak in case I said something stupid, I nodded.
“I have done something for you against my better judgment,” Bernard said heavily. “I don’t like leaving you unattended, but that’s not what I’m trying to say. Since I granted one of your requests, could I ask you to do something for me?”
I braced myself and nodded again.
Bernard’s expression suddenly turned heavy again, just like earlier this morning. I didn’t understand it at all. His weariness was abated somewhat, but… he still looked so very tired.
But it was his words that drew my attention.
“Please, can you look me in the eyes?”
I was taken aback for a moment, and then I was suddenly fidgety.
“Why?” I asked nervously.
“I’ve seen how you keep avoiding my eyes,” Bernard replied, and my stomach clenched. “A common belief with our people is that an Akire shows itself through its eyes. When you keep looking away… it’s like you won’t show your face to me.”
This time, my heart thudded painfully.
So… that was it. That was why he always looked into my eyes instead of my face. That was why his emotions were so much more visible there than anywhere else.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled off to the side. “I didn’t realize…”
Now I was too ashamed and too embarrassed to even look at any part of him.
“I didn’t look at your eyes before because every time I do, I end up doing things I wouldn’t normally do. It makes me nervous that you could tell me to do anything, and I’d do it, just by looking into your eyes.”
I clutched at the front of my shirt, wadding the tight material in my fist.
“But I didn’t mean it to be like this. I didn’t want to make you upset.”
My hand relaxed, slowly, and dropped to my side.
And for the first time that I could remember, I willingly let my control slip. I looked up, and in a single wonderful moment our gazes connected.
All I could see were the warm golden circles in Bernard’s face. It was like a bridge connecting.
I could see every little detail, every little flicker of emotion in Bernard’s eyes. I felt like I would keel over and fall endlessly into his gaze, and feel safe the entire time.
Bernard’s expression became strange, almost uncomprehending.
“Rachel, what…?”
He was trying to read my mood, and had encountered something that wasn’t there before.
I smiled a little sadly at him. “Isn’t it obvious?”
Slowly, methodically, I worked my way over to Bernard without moving my gaze. I somehow managed the short walk without going even slightly off balance.
“Feel,” I said in an undertone as I reached out and took one of his hands in both of mine. He didn’t resist at all as I guided his hand up and put it to rest against my heart.
Bernard’s eyes nearly bugged right out of his head. My heart was somehow pounding even harder than before.
“Does it make sense now?” I asked in an undertone. I didn’t have to speak very loud; we were so close.
Bernard was staring down at his hand with utter shock written all over his face.
And then he looked back up at me. “Not at all,” he said breathlessly.
I smiled again. “I didn’t think so either.”
Bernard slipped his hand out of my grip and stepped back. For the first time, it looked like he was off balance. For a moment he stared at me, and then he was staring off into space, his eyes huge and full of shock.
He had one of those mind-blown expressions, like I’d just set the world on its head. But I couldn’t see passed his shock to glimpse what else he was feeling.
“Bernard,” I called.
Instantly I had his attention. I had to fight to keep myself from looking away this time; his eyes were so intense…
“I’m not trying to put you on the spot,” I said. Judging by his blank look, he didn’t understand my meaning. He was so flustered he was clueless.
But I persevered. “When I first met you, you told me I had options, right? You told me I was free to make my own choices. I’m giving you the same thing. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. I just wanted to tell you so that you knew another option.”
I inhaled deeply. I’d forgotten to breathe.
“Whatever you choose, whatever you do or want or go I will be just fine with it.”
Bernard was staring at me, but it felt different. It was like he wasn’t pulling me away from a cliff, but rather like I was. The flow of energy had shifted, and now it was like he was being drawn to me.
“I’m sure you already saw it,” I continued softly, “but let me say it, please.”
I inhaled again. I reminded myself to breathe again.
“Bernard, you matter a whole lot to me.” That was a bit of an understatement, but I was still having trouble with the L word. “More than anyone has before. And because of that feeling in my heart, I’m finding strength again. I think I can finally start moving forward.”
Bernard’s expression had softened. So had his posture.
I breathed in, and then exhaled slowly. “That’s everything I wanted to say,” I said at last. “That, and thanks.”
Bernard didn’t say anything. He just looked at me, his expression being so complex that I couldn’t decipher it. All I picked up on was that he seemed totally struck dumb.
As I moved passed him, I thought I saw him start to move, but stop himself.
Even though all of my attention was focused on my back, in the direction of Bernard’s still motionless body, I headed for the bed.
Everything that had happened today had suddenly hit me. I was drained, emotionally, physically and mentally.
Everything I had said had calmed me down greatly, even relaxed me. Getting it off my chest had been the right thing to do.
I slid under the blankets and stifled a sigh. They were still warm.
Bernard was still frozen to the spot. It took him nearly ten whole minutes to unfreeze, and then he went and sat down at his computer, but I didn’t hear him do anything. He must’ve gotten tired of standing.
Even though I was so tired, a vital part of me was adamant about staying awake. It was waiting for a sign from Bernard, in case he started to speak.
But he said nothing. The rain just continued to pound away. It was the last thing I heard as I drifted off to sleep. And the last thing I smelled was Bernard.

It took me a while to realize I was dreaming. I was aware of things in a peripheral sort of way, like they weren’t really interesting to my mind but still taking place nonetheless. I could hear sounds and voices that wove together in a vaguely familiar way, like a memory that had nearly been forgotten.
And I could hear something even more familiar, something that clicked in a fundamental way in my brain.
It was a low, hummed tune.
I could feel the vibrations of the notes against the side of my head, almost like I was resting it against the singer. I liked the sound… it made me feel so safe, so… at home.
The dream was so vivid, so convincingly real, that I didn’t really understand what’d happened when it vanished.
I was lying in bed once more, curled up under the blankets.
It was the sound of the rain and the light taps coming from Bernard’s keyboard that brought me back to reality.

The bed made a terrible groaning noise as I propped myself upright. I knew Bernard was an instant away from asking me if I was alright, but I had to speak first. It was almost like a piece of my dream had stayed with me in the form of a word that I’d never heard before.
“Bernard,” I asked blearily, “What… what does “Loka” mean?”
Bernard hesitated, his mouth still partially open. He seemed kind of taken aback by my sudden and very unusual question.
“I think you mean ‘Lokana’,” he said at last, sounding confused.
“I don’t know,” I mumbled, yawning. “I just… had this dream where someone was humming to me… and every time I think of the singer, my mind automatically spits out ‘Loka’.”
Bernard blinked. “Is this the first time you’ve had this kind of dream?”
“It seems familiar,” I admitted, “so I don’t think so… maybe when I was… younger…”
I realized what it must’ve been before I’d even finished. I looked up at Bernard suddenly. “Loka means mom, doesn’t it?”
Bernard thought for a second, and then understanding colored his golden eyes. “I see… yes, that would make sense.”
He looked right at me, and once more I had to remind myself about not looking away instinctively.
“Actually, ’Lokana’ means mother,” he explained, “but since you were only a child back then… you probably called your mother Loka.”
This was starting to make sense to me, so I ran with it. “So, Loka is baby talk for Lokana, which is Akire for mother, right?”
“Correct.”
My heart thumped in my chest. It made me feel a little dazed. “So… that was my… my birth mother.”
Bernard just looked at me, his expression somewhere between bemused and pensive.
“Um…,” I started. I was suddenly uncertain, even a little uncomfortable. “I know I already asked you this before but… what is my birth mother like?”
Bernard didn’t seem surprised by my question, so I thought he’d been expecting it. “I don’t know what else I can add,” he said doubtfully.
A sudden rush of energy made me almost shout my next question with a little too much excitement. “Then what’s her name?”
Bernard looked at me, clearly amused by my inexplicable curiosity, but answered kindly enough. “Her name is Shion.”
I blinked, and then waited. But the name didn’t sound the least bit familiar to me.
“Her name is… Shion,” I repeated to myself breathlessly.
But that didn’t change anything either, and it made sense why. I knew my human mother’s name, but I didn’t associate it with her, just like there was no automatic link between Shion and the person in my dream. To me, that person was Loka, or perhaps Lokana would be more adult-like.
“Does that help at all?” Bernard asked tentatively.
I was staring out into the rain again. “I’m Damaski, she’s Shion, and you’re Bernard,” I mumbled to myself. I waited for a second, hoping it’d sound right.
It still didn’t click, so I sighed. “No, I just can’t think like that,” I admitted. “I’m Rachel, and she’s Loka- I mean, Lokana.”
“What about me?” Bernard asked, sounding tickled. “You’re still Bernard,” I replied instantly. My chest was suddenly feeling warm.
Bernard’s expression faltered a bit, and then he quickly turned around to face his computer again.
But I could easily see how rigid and twitchy his ears had become. Had I just made him embarrassed? For some reason… it made me want to do it again.
“Hey, what was with that look?” I asked in what I hoped was a sly tone.
Bernard just shook his head with two quick jerks. I sighed. Yep, he was embarrassed.
Carefully, I got up, preparing perhaps to hug him from behind again. That’d get him flustered.
He surprised me, however, when he spun his chair around on one leg and came to a rest facing me, arms folded across his chest.
“What are you planning?” he asked bluntly.
I blinked. Plan? My mind wasn’t working that far ahead.
I straightened up instantly and just looked at him, trying to dissect his suddenly defensive expression. “You don’t want me doing anything?”
The only reason I saw the momentary falter was because I was looking into his eyes. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have given away a single thing.
I sighed and closed my eyes. “Bernard, you’re not trusting yourself.”
“I’m trying to be the adult here,” he replied.
I sighed again. I wouldn’t reveal how much his actions had stung me.
So, instead, I made a B-line for the food. But halfway there, I hesitated. I knew he was still watching me, probably staying on guard.
“I haven’t forgotten,” I murmured without turning around.
As expected, that threw Bernard off. “Forgotten what?”
I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and said accusingly, “You avoided telling me why you were looking for me for so long.”
As I spoke, I picked another tinfoil-wrapped parcel out of the container and turned to head back to my side of the cave.
“Be a little more honest with yourself,” I said firmly. “How can you make the right decision when it’s not the real you making it?”
Bernard looked at me for a moment, and then, without a word, he turned his chair back around to face his computer, his expression unreadable.
I tried not to take offense to his reaction, so instead of dwelling I focused on eating.
I was nearly done with the dry, stringy meal when Bernard’s voice made me jump.
“Before you slept, didn’t you tell me you wanted to move forward?”
I looked around at him. He’d turned in his chair to look at me, his expression still unfathomable.
“Yes, of course,” I answered truthfully, though now it was my turn to be thrown by the unexpected question.
And then Bernard held up something that I hadn’t expected at all. He was holding a red, fold up cell phone. In his grip, it looked absurdly small, like a toy.
“Does that include your family as well?”
I stared at the phone for a second, blinked, and then felt very, very nervous.

Description
8~~ Look Me In The Eyes

My head gently broke the surface of the lake a second before Bernard’s soundlessly appeared in front of me.
“Rachel, is something wrong with you?”
That was the first thing I heard him say, but I was too busy beaming.
Bernard was looking at me with a strange expression, sort of like someone who was getting blamed for something they didn’t do.
“Did I do something wrong?” He asked again.
I couldn’t stop myself from laughing a little. “Why do you keep asking that?”
Now Bernard looked downright perplexed.
“But you keep attacking me,” he said carefully. “Just now, and earlier in the cave. You wrapped your arms around my neck, but… why are you laughing?”
I couldn’t control myself. Was that why he’d been looking so upset before? Did he think I was trying to hurt him?
“Don’t you know what a hug is?” I giggled.
Bernard thought for a second, and then his eyes got wide with sudden realization. “Of course! How could I forget about something like that…?”
Then he looked at me. “So, earlier… that was an act of affection, right?”
“Correct,” I said with plenty of amusement.
Bernard’s expression changed so totally that it was almost startling. That heavy gloom that had been hovering over him all morning had completely vanished, just like that. Bernard exhaled heavily and momentarily slipped beneath the surface of the water before bobbing back up.
“So, you’re telling me that Akire don’t hug?” I commented.
Bernard suddenly looked a little uncomfortable. “Not unless they’re married,” he said quietly, not quite meeting my gaze.
Oh…oh!
“I-I’m sorry,” I said hastily. “Now I feel silly…”
“You were just doing what you normally do,” Bernard said supportively. He had no idea that I wasn’t usually a huggy sort of person. He was the only exception.
Now that we had everything out in the open – most anyway – I felt actually really great. Like nothing in the world could go wrong.
God has a very twisted sense of humor.
A low, but familiar noise began coming from the other side of the lake.
Bernard was quicker than me and managed to glance over at it. In the next second, he had a hold of me and was pulling me underwater.
I thrashed out in alarm as Bernard easily dragged me all the way to the bottom, right in between two huge, algae covered boulders and a rotting tree log.
Suddenly, I realized that Bernard was pinning me to the bottom, and became hyper aware of that fact.
His body was rigid and tense, and every muscle was ready to launch at a moment’s notice.
He was looking back up at the surface of the water, which was some twenty feet above us.
I wasn’t struggling anymore. I was listening.
I knew the sound of an outboard motor well enough, and I could tell that it was coming our way.
I touched Bernard’s shoulder and he looked down at me sharply. I gave him a meaningful look, trying to tell him to get off of me with my eyes. He didn’t realize just how nervous his closeness was making me.
But Bernard shook his head quickly and then looked back up, just as a large, solid shadow sailed by over our heads.
I’d never seen a boat from below before, but it wasn’t hard to figure out that that was what cut through the surface water overhead.
And to my surprise, I could make out a voice. I couldn’t tell what the person was saying, but it was clearly male, and obviously mechanically enhanced. Maybe someone was using a megaphone.
But a moment later, the small boat was speeding towards the other end of the lake, continuing its lap around the perimeter.
Bernard eased off of me, slowly, but before I could appreciate the personal space bubble behind us, I saw him motioning up towards the forest’s edge.
Swim time was over, I guess.

“Don’t beat yourself up over this,” I said bracingly as we began our careful hike back to camp. Bernard shook his head stoically. “No. I should have considered the risks more carefully. Your safety should come first.”
“Your safety should be just as important as mine,” I pointed out.
“It is important,” Bernard countered easily. “And since I’m going to always be with you, our argument only comes full circle.”
I sighed and shook my head, but said nothing. There would be no persuading him when he was like this. But really, what were the odds of running into a boat just before winter? I remembered the person using the megaphone, and once more wondered what they were trying to do other than make a loud racket.
“Once we get back,” Bernard was saying, “I’ll be leaving for a little bit to dispose of the crashed probe. I would rather you stayed in the cave and rested.”
I was a split second away from protesting before I remembered my promise to be good, and I gave in.
But just as I was about to say something else, a very faint, yet abnormal sound caught my attention.
I stopped mid step and waited for the wind to die down again.
Had it just been my imagination?
“Is something wrong?”
I held up one hand to quiet Bernard while I searched with my eyes and ears.
And for a moment, just a tiny moment, the wind paused just before it shifted.
And in that pause I heard the unmistakable sound of someone sobbing.
Carefully I crept forward, Bernard right behind me.
“We need to get going,” Bernard persisted, but he was speaking in an undertone. Surely he’d caught the sound of crying, too.
I spared a glance to the sky over my head, and noticed how brooding it had become. There would be rain for sure, now.
A louder sob made me momentarily freeze. It was coming from the base of an overturned tree, right where the roots had been ripped up out of the ground.
And through the dense brush, I just caught sight of a tiny, human figure.
“It’s a kid,” I breathed, stunned.
“Her parents will be nearby,” Bernard warned me and pulled on my shoulder.
But I wasn’t so sure. With a storming building, I didn’t think it was likely that she’d just be allowed to stay out here. Plus, she was crying, which was never a good sign.
Then it clicked in my head. The boat on the lake, the person using a megaphone, shouting into the hills, trying to find someone… and now, an abandoned little girl, lost in the woods, alone and afraid.
With a terrible drag on my heart, I realized that she wouldn’t survive the building storm when it hit.
“We have to help her,” I said firmly.
“Humans can’t know of our existence,” Bernard said with a hint of desperation. “Even if it’s you, I’ll have to stop you if you try to show yourself.”
“Come on,” I hissed anxiously, “there must be something we can do…”
I began looking around the forest, trying to find anything that could be helpful. Scaring the kid wouldn’t work. Odds are she was already petrified to the spot.
The only way we could help her was if we got directly involved, but that was against the rules.
And then my eyes fell on something, and instantly an idea formed in my head.
“Bernard,” I whispered as I pointed towards the thick, tangled mess of brown moss hanging from a nearby tree, “have you ever heard of Bigfoot?”
***

It took some doing, but eventually Bernard gave the okay.
I was looking like the world’s shaggiest dog standing on two legs. I looked closer to a swamp monster than Sasquatch, but it would have to do.
Bernard opted not to don a disguise as well, but he vowed that he’d be in the shadows, just in case I needed him.
I tied down one more bunch of tree moss, and then I carefully meandered forward, towards the girl. It was difficult, though; my tail was wrapped around my waist, so I had to quickly remember how I used to walk.
The girl was sitting exactly where I thought she’d be, in a slight divot in the ground where the fallen tree had been rooted.
She couldn’t have been older than six, and grasped firmly in her hand was a large teddy bear.
She caught sight of me as soon as I saw her. She froze and became as still as a statue, her eyes growing bigger than I thought eyes could get.
I hesitated, pretending to be taken off guard. I took half a step forward, but continued acting unsure.
The girl suddenly reached into one of her pockets. I heard a faint hiss off to my right, coming from a thick stand of bushes overhanging the fallen tree.
Something that glinted in the light hit the ground in between me and the girl.
I hesitated, though this time it wasn’t an act, until I saw what she’d thrown at me.
It was a candy bar.
I looked back up at the girl, who looked utterly terrified, and then I carefully bent down to pick up the bar.
I couldn’t help but marvel at how brave she was for someone her age.
Carefully, I glanced over one shoulder, back down towards the lake, and then I motioned towards the girl.
I repeated this several times, beckoning in what I hoped seemed to be a non-threatening sort of way while motioning towards the lake.
After nearly a minute of miming, the girl edge forward. I nodded hugely and loped in the direction of the lake.
“W-wait,” the little girl cried out, and she quickly got to her feet.

I made sure that I was always just a little ways in front of her without being too far. She was eager enough to follow, though.
We weren’t even to the lake yet when a voice made the girl look around hastily.
“Chelsea? Chelsea!”
It was the person on the boat, and by the sounds of it they were just about to make another lap.
The little girl, Chelsea, rushed on ahead of me while I feigned being frightened by the megaphone and jumped behind cover.
I didn’t get to see the reunion, but I heard Chelsea calling out at the top of her hoarse lungs, followed shortly by the loud sound of a boat engine racing towards the shore.
I glanced up into the trees above me, unable to stop smiling with relief. I could’ve sworn I saw a sparkling eye glinting back at me.
I have to say, it felt good actually doing something and not having something done to for once. If anything, I should be able to sleep just a bit –
“No! He’s there! See?”
Uh oh.
Chelsea’s voice was getting closer.
Suddenly I realized that she was guiding her family to her rescuer, aka me.
As quick as I could, I strode into the forest, ducking into a bush as I went. The hill was too steep for a normal person to climb with any real haste, so I was safe from that. The sounds of pursuit faded behind me, and after only just a token search, I heard them give up altogether. Perhaps it had something to do with the distant, grumpy rumble in the distance.
When I was sure that I’d gotten to a safe distance, I tried to be stealthier about my movements. I failed, but I still tried.
Three hundred yards later, Bernard ghosted out of the foliage, a strange look on his face. He looked like he didn’t know if he should be furious or appraising.
“I had to help her,” I explained before he could speak.
Bernard stared at me for a second, and then sighed.
“Like father, like daughter, as the saying goes.”
Carefully, he reached out towards me. My entire body went rigid as he pulled the moss off of my head.
“That’s better,” he said kindly, eyes smiling.
I felt like my heart was going to burst. It was unlike anything I’d ever felt before, but at least I knew where it stemmed from; love.
Three days… that’s all it’d taken. Was it possible to honestly fall in love with someone that quickly?
Now that the whole Chelsea drama was out of the way, all I had left to think about was how I felt.
But as I was thinking these wild thoughts, Bernard’s face got a little heavier.
“Come on,” he said in an odd tone, “it’ll start raining soon.”
Perplexed, I followed him back up the hill. Hadn’t the misunderstanding about hugging been cleared up? Was there something else bothering him?
Whatever it was, he didn’t speak the entire way back to camp. He just went and sat down in his usual chair wordlessly.
I knew where he wanted me to go without him saying anything, so as I pulled off the last of the moss, I plopped down in bed again.
But I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t help but watch him, and the more I watched him the more I felt anxious.

The predicted rain shower had been going strong for nearly ten minutes when I couldn’t stop myself anymore.
“Bernard,” I started, “Is there something wrong?”
“No,” he replied in the most unconvincing tone ever. He didn’t even turn around to face me. “I just have a lot of work to do. Please, get some rest.”
Yep, there was something wrong with him.
But he wasn’t giving off a very cooperative aura. He wasn’t his usual self, actually. It wasn’t much of a noticeable shift, but now… he seemed oddly unapproachable, even cranky.
While I thought, I glanced down at his bedroll. Ah, that could be why. Now that I thought about it, he didn’t sleep very much at all. He was usually working when I went to sleep and when I woke up. Just this morning showed how early he got up.
I suddenly had a lump in my throat. He was putting me first… again.
Carefully, I got up.
“Bernard.”
He didn’t look around, but his ears swiveled towards me.
And suddenly, I was very irritated.
I sighed in agitation and stormed over to where he was sitting. Only then did he look around, and by that time I had a hold of his shoulder.
“Rachel, what—?”
I wordlessly hauled him out of his chair and over to my bed.
“Rachel!”
I threw him the last few inches and pinned him down on the bed.
“Now, sleep,” I commanded.
Bernard stared up at me, eyes wide with shock. “Uh… what?”
“I’m not oblivious,” I said bluntly. Bernard blinked, looking even more surprised.
“Do you think you can hide how worn down you are? I already told you, you need to take care of yourself, too.”
I moved my hand from his shoulder to his cheek.
“So please,” I said gently, “get some rest.”
Bernard’s eyelids twitched, but for some reason, he was fighting it.
“No,” he said huskily, “I don’t have time…”
“Shh,” I hushed him. “There’s always time. If it’s for you, there’s always time for anything.”
His eyelids were drooping. His willpower was all that was keeping him conscious.
“You’ll… disappear,” he groaned. He tried to force his way upright, but the attempt was almost laughable. “I won’t be able to see you… You’ll… go away…”
His words took me off guard. Why was that even a concern for him?
But it was, and clearly it was serious enough to war against his tiredness.
Very gently, I moved in closer so that my mouth was almost to one of his ears.
“Only if you tell me to,” I sighed quietly. “Now go to sleep. I have something to tell you when you wake up.”
Bernard’s eyes were only barely open now.
“I’ll be here as long as you need me,” I whispered softly into his ear.
Bernard’s eyelids slid shut, and he drifted off to sleep.
I sat back, and the only thing I could hear was the thundering in my chest. Not even the rain could drown it out.
And nothing could stop it, and nowhere in me was there the desire to try.
“I couldn’t leave you even if I tried,” I said in an undertone.
Bernard didn’t stir at all.

Hours passed, and the rain became a deluge. I was constantly worrying that the roar would rouse Bernard, but he somehow didn’t wake. He must’ve been more tired than I’d thought.
While he slept, I sat at his workplace and looked at either the computer or Bernard.
But I was too worked up to calmly sit in place. My heart would not calm down at all, and it only got more worked up whenever I thought about what was going to happen when Bernard woke up.
So, in order to keep myself from going insane, I flipped open Bernard’s laptop and lightly touched the mouse pad to get it working properly.
Momentarily, I wondered what Bernard did all day on this thing. Well, coming from Bernard, it was undoubtedly for my sake.
And that made me realize something. Bernard saw me as royalty. Was everything he did because I was special in that way?
For some reason, that question made my chest hurt badly enough for me to automatically clutch at it.
Wanting to divert my train of thought, I began randomly opening files.
I knew I’d stepped outside of human territory when the text turned into something strange, with lots of waves and dots. The box seemed to be flashing a question at me, but I had no idea how to answer at all. Instead, I merely backed out and opened up something new. It was a file marked “Sky Direction”.
It took me ten whole minutes to realize what I’d stumbled upon.
The file was full of pictures, maps, notes… all of which seemed to be talking about “Returning home”. None actually showed space travel, but I got the feeling that it was implied.
With a shock, I realized that I’d found Bernard’s plan to return to Eclipse. He had planned it out with excruciating detail, right down to how much attention any sort of flight would gain, which seemed very small.
He had routes, backup routes, backup plans, contingency plans… it was all so convoluted.
Feeling my head starting to hurt, I exited out. I was about to close the laptop again when I saw another file that got me curious again. This one was labeled “Ground Direction”.
It was another file crammed with statistics and plans that were nearly as confusing as the first, but I’d begun to understand Bernard’s writing system.
I was able to overlook the heavier bits, which was most of it. But, I was still able to piece together what Bernard had been laying out, and it made my heart beat even faster.
In short, these innumerable pages were all dedicated to creating a life here, on Earth. I saw that he had accounted for six fully equipped probes, all with medical features just like the one that had changed me.
He had half-finished personal information for himself, including a birth certificate, plausible history and passport. All he was missing were the finer details. He was willing to throw everything away, even his own species, just to stay with me. Was that out of duty? It didn’t seem so.
But what did this all mean…?
Why was he so absolutely willing to stay together? He’d searched for fifteen years for me; he’d done everything in his power to protect me when he found me, and now this… For the first time, I wondered just what motive he had that kept him going at it for so long.
I closed the file and was about to close the laptop again when yet another oddity caught my attention.
It was a file sitting all by itself that had no title at all. It wasn’t a part of any real grouping, which was odd in itself. It was just… there.
Curious, I clicked it. Immediately, a box opened up, this one with the wavy script I’d encountered earlier. This time I had a vague idea of what it was trying to say.
The empty field inside the box sort of gave it away.
For some reason, this file was password protected, whereas the other two hadn’t been.
I sighed, now really curious, but all the same I shut the computer and turned to gaze out the cave mouth.
The mist drifting in through the opening was cold, but refreshing. It made me want to go swimming again.
The trees across the canyon were swaying gently with the storm, and just under the pounding of the rain on the rocks I could hear the wind in the tree tops.
I took to standing by the entrance and staring out into the storm and just let my thoughts drift.
I was glad Chelsea wasn’t out in this. No child deserved to be lost and alone. They should be with their families… with their parents…
Mom and dad… I wondered how they were doing. It was the first time since I’d run away that I’d allowed myself to have such thoughts.
I became vaguely aware that I was touching my necklace.
And Kyle… Why was he looking for me so hard? He even went to old man Benedict, though I could never ask him what made him go in the first place.
And then I remembered Bernard’s words, about how people don’t search for others that don’t mean anything to them.
That also sparked a new thought path that I allowed myself to wander down.
Bernard’s own words could apply to himself, right? Then… how should I interpret that?
Could it mean that…? No, that didn’t seem likely. The only reason had to be because of duty. As much as my heart wished otherwise, it couldn’t mean anything else. There was no proof of anything else.
And yet, I still wanted it to be true that, just maybe, he’d stuck with the search for another reason entirely.
With that, my mind wandering came to an end—my heart was practically assaulting my rib cage at this point. I needed to find some way to calm myself down, even if it was just for a little bit.
But the feeling of my heart pounding so hard wasn’t really un-enjoyable. It was a wholesome feeling that, despite my knee jerk reaction to shy away from it, filled me with feeling I’d never felt before.
I just listened to its pounding. I felt each beat against my chest and hands. It was like I was listening to the greatest, most drawing story ever and I couldn’t ignore it.
I closed my eyes, lost in the moment and just listened…
I heard a slight rustle behind me, but I didn’t look around, not until I heard his voice. “Rachel?”
Slowly my eyes slid open, and already they were aimed in Bernard’s direction.
He was bleary eyed, and looked like he was trying to wake up as fast as he possibly could. Nonetheless, he’d managed to prop himself up in order to look around towards me. But the look on his face was strange. He looked like he’d never seen me before.
“Hey,” I replied. My voice surprised me. It was softer, more peaceful.
Bernard had caught on to the change as well, since he was eyeing me curiously.
I dodged his gaze, afraid that his golden eyes would shatter this inexplicable moment of control. Instead, I looked back out at the rain.
“What have you been doing?” He asked. I heard the creak of the bed frame as he carefully got to his feet.
I opened my mouth, but the thing that came out was not what I’d intended to say. It was a question, for one thing.
“What motivates you?” I asked.
Bernard hesitated, so I finished. “You said you’ve been looking for me for fifteen years. You had no reason to believe I was alive, and yet…” I trailed off for only a moment. “So what kept you going all those years?”
Bernard didn’t speak. He didn’t move. I could see him out of my peripheral vision, but I couldn’t make out what expression he had.
“I…”
I glanced over at Bernard now. He was looking dubious, like he was trying to pick his words carefully. “I… believed. I had faith.”
I felt my brows pucker. “Why?”
“Rachel, are you sure you’re alright?” Bernard asked nervously. I blinked and then thought about his question. Was I acting too strangely?
“I’ve just had some time to think,” I admitted truthfully.
There was a moment of silence, and then Bernard’s shoulders drooped a little. “Before I say anything, can I ask something of you?”
Once more, he surprised me. Not trusting myself to speak in case I said something stupid, I nodded.
“I have done something for you against my better judgment,” Bernard said heavily. “I don’t like leaving you unattended, but that’s not what I’m trying to say. Since I granted one of your requests, could I ask you to do something for me?”
I braced myself and nodded again.
Bernard’s expression suddenly turned heavy again, just like earlier this morning. I didn’t understand it at all. His weariness was abated somewhat, but… he still looked so very tired.
But it was his words that drew my attention.
“Please, can you look me in the eyes?”
I was taken aback for a moment, and then I was suddenly fidgety.
“Why?” I asked nervously.
“I’ve seen how you keep avoiding my eyes,” Bernard replied, and my stomach clenched. “A common belief with our people is that an Akire shows itself through its eyes. When you keep looking away… it’s like you won’t show your face to me.”
This time, my heart thudded painfully.
So… that was it. That was why he always looked into my eyes instead of my face. That was why his emotions were so much more visible there than anywhere else.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled off to the side. “I didn’t realize…”
Now I was too ashamed and too embarrassed to even look at any part of him.
“I didn’t look at your eyes before because every time I do, I end up doing things I wouldn’t normally do. It makes me nervous that you could tell me to do anything, and I’d do it, just by looking into your eyes.”
I clutched at the front of my shirt, wadding the tight material in my fist.
“But I didn’t mean it to be like this. I didn’t want to make you upset.”
My hand relaxed, slowly, and dropped to my side.
And for the first time that I could remember, I willingly let my control slip. I looked up, and in a single wonderful moment our gazes connected.
All I could see were the warm golden circles in Bernard’s face. It was like a bridge connecting.
I could see every little detail, every little flicker of emotion in Bernard’s eyes. I felt like I would keel over and fall endlessly into his gaze, and feel safe the entire time.
Bernard’s expression became strange, almost uncomprehending.
“Rachel, what…?”
He was trying to read my mood, and had encountered something that wasn’t there before.
I smiled a little sadly at him. “Isn’t it obvious?”
Slowly, methodically, I worked my way over to Bernard without moving my gaze. I somehow managed the short walk without going even slightly off balance.
“Feel,” I said in an undertone as I reached out and took one of his hands in both of mine. He didn’t resist at all as I guided his hand up and put it to rest against my heart.
Bernard’s eyes nearly bugged right out of his head. My heart was somehow pounding even harder than before.
“Does it make sense now?” I asked in an undertone. I didn’t have to speak very loud; we were so close.
Bernard was staring down at his hand with utter shock written all over his face.
And then he looked back up at me. “Not at all,” he said breathlessly.
I smiled again. “I didn’t think so either.”
Bernard slipped his hand out of my grip and stepped back. For the first time, it looked like he was off balance. For a moment he stared at me, and then he was staring off into space, his eyes huge and full of shock.
He had one of those mind-blown expressions, like I’d just set the world on its head. But I couldn’t see passed his shock to glimpse what else he was feeling.
“Bernard,” I called.
Instantly I had his attention. I had to fight to keep myself from looking away this time; his eyes were so intense…
“I’m not trying to put you on the spot,” I said. Judging by his blank look, he didn’t understand my meaning. He was so flustered he was clueless.
But I persevered. “When I first met you, you told me I had options, right? You told me I was free to make my own choices. I’m giving you the same thing. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. I just wanted to tell you so that you knew another option.”
I inhaled deeply. I’d forgotten to breathe.
“Whatever you choose, whatever you do or want or go I will be just fine with it.”
Bernard was staring at me, but it felt different. It was like he wasn’t pulling me away from a cliff, but rather like I was. The flow of energy had shifted, and now it was like he was being drawn to me.
“I’m sure you already saw it,” I continued softly, “but let me say it, please.”
I inhaled again. I reminded myself to breathe again.
“Bernard, you matter a whole lot to me.” That was a bit of an understatement, but I was still having trouble with the L word. “More than anyone has before. And because of that feeling in my heart, I’m finding strength again. I think I can finally start moving forward.”
Bernard’s expression had softened. So had his posture.
I breathed in, and then exhaled slowly. “That’s everything I wanted to say,” I said at last. “That, and thanks.”
Bernard didn’t say anything. He just looked at me, his expression being so complex that I couldn’t decipher it. All I picked up on was that he seemed totally struck dumb.
As I moved passed him, I thought I saw him start to move, but stop himself.
Even though all of my attention was focused on my back, in the direction of Bernard’s still motionless body, I headed for the bed.
Everything that had happened today had suddenly hit me. I was drained, emotionally, physically and mentally.
Everything I had said had calmed me down greatly, even relaxed me. Getting it off my chest had been the right thing to do.
I slid under the blankets and stifled a sigh. They were still warm.
Bernard was still frozen to the spot. It took him nearly ten whole minutes to unfreeze, and then he went and sat down at his computer, but I didn’t hear him do anything. He must’ve gotten tired of standing.
Even though I was so tired, a vital part of me was adamant about staying awake. It was waiting for a sign from Bernard, in case he started to speak.
But he said nothing. The rain just continued to pound away. It was the last thing I heard as I drifted off to sleep. And the last thing I smelled was Bernard.

It took me a while to realize I was dreaming. I was aware of things in a peripheral sort of way, like they weren’t really interesting to my mind but still taking place nonetheless. I could hear sounds and voices that wove together in a vaguely familiar way, like a memory that had nearly been forgotten.
And I could hear something even more familiar, something that clicked in a fundamental way in my brain.
It was a low, hummed tune.
I could feel the vibrations of the notes against the side of my head, almost like I was resting it against the singer. I liked the sound… it made me feel so safe, so… at home.
The dream was so vivid, so convincingly real, that I didn’t really understand what’d happened when it vanished.
I was lying in bed once more, curled up under the blankets.
It was the sound of the rain and the light taps coming from Bernard’s keyboard that brought me back to reality.

The bed made a terrible groaning noise as I propped myself upright. I knew Bernard was an instant away from asking me if I was alright, but I had to speak first. It was almost like a piece of my dream had stayed with me in the form of a word that I’d never heard before.
“Bernard,” I asked blearily, “What… what does “Loka” mean?”
Bernard hesitated, his mouth still partially open. He seemed kind of taken aback by my sudden and very unusual question.
“I think you mean ‘Lokana’,” he said at last, sounding confused.
“I don’t know,” I mumbled, yawning. “I just… had this dream where someone was humming to me… and every time I think of the singer, my mind automatically spits out ‘Loka’.”
Bernard blinked. “Is this the first time you’ve had this kind of dream?”
“It seems familiar,” I admitted, “so I don’t think so… maybe when I was… younger…”
I realized what it must’ve been before I’d even finished. I looked up at Bernard suddenly. “Loka means mom, doesn’t it?”
Bernard thought for a second, and then understanding colored his golden eyes. “I see… yes, that would make sense.”
He looked right at me, and once more I had to remind myself about not looking away instinctively.
“Actually, ’Lokana’ means mother,” he explained, “but since you were only a child back then… you probably called your mother Loka.”
This was starting to make sense to me, so I ran with it. “So, Loka is baby talk for Lokana, which is Akire for mother, right?”
“Correct.”
My heart thumped in my chest. It made me feel a little dazed. “So… that was my… my birth mother.”
Bernard just looked at me, his expression somewhere between bemused and pensive.
“Um…,” I started. I was suddenly uncertain, even a little uncomfortable. “I know I already asked you this before but… what is my birth mother like?”
Bernard didn’t seem surprised by my question, so I thought he’d been expecting it. “I don’t know what else I can add,” he said doubtfully.
A sudden rush of energy made me almost shout my next question with a little too much excitement. “Then what’s her name?”
Bernard looked at me, clearly amused by my inexplicable curiosity, but answered kindly enough. “Her name is Shion.”
I blinked, and then waited. But the name didn’t sound the least bit familiar to me.
“Her name is… Shion,” I repeated to myself breathlessly.
But that didn’t change anything either, and it made sense why. I knew my human mother’s name, but I didn’t associate it with her, just like there was no automatic link between Shion and the person in my dream. To me, that person was Loka, or perhaps Lokana would be more adult-like.
“Does that help at all?” Bernard asked tentatively.
I was staring out into the rain again. “I’m Damaski, she’s Shion, and you’re Bernard,” I mumbled to myself. I waited for a second, hoping it’d sound right.
It still didn’t click, so I sighed. “No, I just can’t think like that,” I admitted. “I’m Rachel, and she’s Loka- I mean, Lokana.”
“What about me?” Bernard asked, sounding tickled. “You’re still Bernard,” I replied instantly. My chest was suddenly feeling warm.
Bernard’s expression faltered a bit, and then he quickly turned around to face his computer again.
But I could easily see how rigid and twitchy his ears had become. Had I just made him embarrassed? For some reason… it made me want to do it again.
“Hey, what was with that look?” I asked in what I hoped was a sly tone.
Bernard just shook his head with two quick jerks. I sighed. Yep, he was embarrassed.
Carefully, I got up, preparing perhaps to hug him from behind again. That’d get him flustered.
He surprised me, however, when he spun his chair around on one leg and came to a rest facing me, arms folded across his chest.
“What are you planning?” he asked bluntly.
I blinked. Plan? My mind wasn’t working that far ahead.
I straightened up instantly and just looked at him, trying to dissect his suddenly defensive expression. “You don’t want me doing anything?”
The only reason I saw the momentary falter was because I was looking into his eyes. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have given away a single thing.
I sighed and closed my eyes. “Bernard, you’re not trusting yourself.”
“I’m trying to be the adult here,” he replied.
I sighed again. I wouldn’t reveal how much his actions had stung me.
So, instead, I made a B-line for the food. But halfway there, I hesitated. I knew he was still watching me, probably staying on guard.
“I haven’t forgotten,” I murmured without turning around.
As expected, that threw Bernard off. “Forgotten what?”
I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and said accusingly, “You avoided telling me why you were looking for me for so long.”
As I spoke, I picked another tinfoil-wrapped parcel out of the container and turned to head back to my side of the cave.
“Be a little more honest with yourself,” I said firmly. “How can you make the right decision when it’s not the real you making it?”
Bernard looked at me for a moment, and then, without a word, he turned his chair back around to face his computer, his expression unreadable.
I tried not to take offense to his reaction, so instead of dwelling I focused on eating.
I was nearly done with the dry, stringy meal when Bernard’s voice made me jump.
“Before you slept, didn’t you tell me you wanted to move forward?”
I looked around at him. He’d turned in his chair to look at me, his expression still unfathomable.
“Yes, of course,” I answered truthfully, though now it was my turn to be thrown by the unexpected question.
And then Bernard held up something that I hadn’t expected at all. He was holding a red, fold up cell phone. In his grip, it looked absurdly small, like a toy.
“Does that include your family as well?”
I stared at the phone for a second, blinked, and then felt very, very nervous.