Comments: 13
hesir [2005-06-22 13:11:15 +0000 UTC]
I stumbled upon this... don't ask me how...
... although the opening paragraph stumbles a bit and nearly lost me, the rest of the story is great.
I loved the clipped (neat and tidy) sentences, that say as much about the character as their content...
The whole thing felt great... with that great sense of inevitibility.
h.
I can't belive this is over three years old!
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hesir In reply to seijaku [2005-06-23 10:05:25 +0000 UTC]
No problem...
Be sure to drop me a note when you upload more prose...
h.
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roguescholar [2003-08-25 01:26:39 +0000 UTC]
Really really nice. I very much enjoyed this. you have a beautiful style. And your world is so full. I really love it a lot. Very nice. I wish I had some advice for you. Iβm really sorry that I donβt. I will say that you have a very strong command over atmosphere. Very great story. Keep it up.
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ben [2002-10-21 02:31:07 +0000 UTC]
This is really nice! The world is rich and full, and depressing an a good-sci-fi kind of way, and the main character is wonderfully well-developed. A few lines were a bit over-the-top for me (him having carved the table himself, for example) but the rest of the story more than makes up for it. Again, great work. +favs
(There is one thing, though, a nitpicky thing: when you use dashes to connect two words, rather than two phrases, you shouldn't put spaces in: it should be ant-small, not ant - small.)
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tracer-bullet [2002-06-06 15:59:05 +0000 UTC]
Stunning, absolutely stunning. As a rule I am always more critical when reading third person writing in the present tense. The issue of repetitiveness is always hovering above my shoulder, but this just totally reclaimed all lost faith in the style. You've managed to capture such a bright and vivid image of such a dark and desolute world, one ruled by laws to the point of robbing individuality.
Your character description is also top class and so is the way you lead the reader along this peek into the life of one Miyagi. All in all, there really isn't a single negative aspect that could be pointed out about this work. Most definitely a favorite.
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mascaraboy [2002-05-14 09:25:16 +0000 UTC]
i was ahvinga really crap day, have to be in the libary, was being shouted at and followed by some biggoted builders as i walked in, got to the computer, pressed random deviant, saw a link for this... and u really have made my day. this is very beautiful, theres a fabuous poetry within the prose. And it's a really beautiful message, put me into perspective, it also has an allegorical feel, is there a deeper meaning behind it?
thank you muchly
x x
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eldritch [2002-05-04 22:52:58 +0000 UTC]
This is great! I nearly cried as I read the note! Life is so sad and unfair, you have expressed this well in such a short story!
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semirrahge [2002-05-02 03:05:59 +0000 UTC]
Oh, oh, oh... /me cries.
Words fail me here. Such emotion I have not read since "The Man Who Traveled in Elephants". The poetic beauty of this tale is surpassing... MUCH better than anything I've ever written. I love the angst and pain expressed by the "distant" style. "...small "g" for gods because nobody cares about them anymore..."
In a stylistic way, you have captured Heinlein's "Been there, Done that" feel. This is cyberpunk at its best, folks.
You have put something into the cyberpunk world that I've never seen before - real despair. This is a world that is dead. The humans inside it exist because there is nothing else to do. This, I think, is the most accurate view of the cyberpunk future that I've ever read. Gone is the undercurrent of technolust cool and free-jack fun. Instead you have this: an old man, living his ordered life in a disordered world, calmly carrying on in simplicity in the midst of chaos and decay - who is killed by the totalitarian beurocracy in its misplaced effort to heal the world.
There are many lessons I could draw from this, but I do not wish to offend the minds of your readers. This goes to my favorites right off. Easily the best thing I've read in years. I only wish there was a "TOTALLY LOVE THIS ABSO-FREAKING-LUT-LY AWESOME DEVIATION!!!!!!" that I could use for my vote.
- s e m i r r a h g e - Oh, oh, oh... /me cries.
Words fail me here. Such emotion I have not read since "The Man Who Traveled in Elephants". The poetic beauty of this tale is surpassing... MUCH better than anything I've ever written. I love the angst and pain expressed by the "distant" style. "...small "g" for gods because nobody cares about them anymore..."
In a stylistic way, you have captured Heinlein's "Been there, Done that" feel. This is cyberpunk at its best, folks.
You have put something into the cyberpunk world that I've never seen before - real despair. This is a world that is dead. The humans inside it exist because there is nothing else to do. This, I think, is the most accurate view of the cyberpunk future that I've ever read. Gone is the undercurrent of technolust cool and free-jack fun. Instead you have this: an old man, living his ordered life in a disordered world, calmly carrying on in simplicity in the midst of chaos and decay - who is killed by the totalitarian beurocracy in its misplaced effort to heal the world.
There are many lessons I could draw from this, but I do not wish to offend the minds of your readers. This goes to my favorites right off. Easily the best thing I've read in years. I only wish there was a "TOTALLY LOVE THIS ABSO-FREAKING-LUT-LY AWESOME DEVIATION!!!!!!" that I could use for my vote. And why does no one here recognize the great works of some of our writers?
- s e m i r r a h g e -
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narainsbrain [2002-01-08 03:48:38 +0000 UTC]
beautiful, i loved it.
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melkior [2002-01-07 23:10:21 +0000 UTC]
I almost didnt read it - but glad I did.
Well done - very mildly cliche in some senses. If those could be worked out and with a bit of grammar work this would be straight A's across the board.
- Melkior
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