Comments: 7
SenatorDigitDaemon In reply to Tenrahsoj [2012-10-16 22:52:30 +0000 UTC]
Okay, so the back story is coming. I plan on revealing it through memories (vague, I know but i don't want to spoil to much). There is a explanation and It starts next chapter I promise. The biggest reason that I don't have it start in this chapter is because I wanted her "transformation" to be a bit of a surprise as well as her change of character. I just felt that I f I led up to that with back story I wouldn't have captured the contrast between her daily life and her part time job/ service. I hope this answered your questions and/or set your mind at ease.
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Tenrahsoj In reply to SenatorDigitDaemon [2012-10-16 23:40:09 +0000 UTC]
Ah, I see. Makes sense, and I see what you're doing. It's a fine line to walk - too much back story ruins the effect, too little confuses readers - and I hope it turns out well.
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RoyalInBlue [2012-10-16 03:27:06 +0000 UTC]
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
ah, another beautiful piece. Your characters, descriptive writing and so on drew me in again for this chapter, and I now anxiously await the next chapter.
I will start off with the upsides for this, as per.
The tone for this story was great, it moved, it flowed and changed as needed, and it was never boring, I can still remember almost every word of that chapter fresh in my mind as I write this.
I loved your text segregation, it too kept me enthralled and I never felt jolted by a massive wall of text, I was immersed throughout.
your settings and descriptive writing, too, deserve mention, as I could clearly picture almost every scene in my head, and at points lost myself within the writing, something I only expect to happen with professional pieces.
And now, to the unfortunate downsides.
The biggest problem, small though it may have been, would be the grammar and spelling errors. I had to read through the text more than once, but you needed a little more time spent proofreading, there were some pretty basic errors.
The pacing. This was another small one, and I may have missed something, but I was rather surprised when cheerilee busted out her knight gear, I was a little shaken by the sudden jolting change of pace.
All in all, this was a good chapter, well segregated, almost as well paced and edited, and a pretty good fic so far. Keep it up, 8.5/10!
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SenatorDigitDaemon In reply to RoyalInBlue [2012-10-16 03:38:22 +0000 UTC]
As far as her transition to her knight , I wanted a sudden transition of character. Kind of a getting down to business sort of thing. Do you think that it goes to fast though, even in that regard? Also, I am looking for someone to proof read my chapters another time, because all of those errors are things that both me, and my editor missed. Thanks for the critique, the feed back is always appreciated.
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RoyalInBlue In reply to SenatorDigitDaemon [2012-10-16 06:23:20 +0000 UTC]
Oh, it's fine, it just sometimes is a little jaunting when a character just out of the blue does something that is out of character and with no given back story, I had to reread to make sure nothing was missed. I certainly can see you wanting to set the story in motion, but sometimes it needs better explanation.
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