TheGlassIris [2013-05-11 06:56:20 +0000 UTC]

Hello, I will be critiquing your piece on behalf of . I will do my best to help by suggesting improvements that can be made and general feedback on aesthetic appeal.

First Impressions
The dream shatters around me
Like a broken mirror. (It's a basic but interesting image.)

Looking at the wreckage,
My reflection unrecognizable. (It's taking a while to get anywhere, but still the language is decent.)

A broken image.
A broken heart.(There's a million better ways to describe heartbreak.)

I'm cut by the shards
As I try to piece it back together. (The language is beginning to wander.)

My blood sprinkles the surface
Like a red rain. (This is melodramatic and could be worded better.)

The mirror is whole again.
What's left of the dream. (Confusing.)

I look at my reflection,
And tears finally begin to fall. (Repression of sorrow. This could be a good image but needs to be set up better.)

Final Impressions

While much of the language is succinct, not a lot of it piques my interest. It's not rich or original, a lot of it is just well-boiled. On its own it stands to scrutiny but doesn't really perform well either. To improve this piece, try reading some poets who work with dark themes like Mina Loy's "Lunar Baedeker" [link] , T.S. Eliot's "Rhapsody on a Windy Night" [link] , and Sylvia Plath's "Mad Girl's Love Song" [link] . Each uses darkness in interesting ways without ever having to resort to trite language or overdone imagery.

The beginning lines could easily lead into a deeper part of the psyche that houses torment and blueness. But of course this needs to be solidified. Symbols like a house or a garden are good for providing a stage which emotion can play out on. If you don't want to do that there are other ways of making the typically melodramatic and "emo" pieces better by providing a context that pulls a reader in.

It's really about where you want to go in this piece. You have your options available to you but just choosing to improve on your work is enough.
Hope this helps.

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GeekGirl97 [2012-12-11 23:13:30 +0000 UTC]

This is really beautiful :33 it feels a lot of pain, but at the same time, a lot of truth

I guess truth is painful :C

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TalentlessArtlover [2012-11-18 03:54:49 +0000 UTC]

At the risk of sounding like a complete tool I must say, your piece makes painful sense but IMHO it's been one upped by a line in your description. "We accept the love we think we deserve."

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nightfall16 [2012-11-17 10:37:58 +0000 UTC]

beautiful and very emotional

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Svitavotara [2012-11-17 08:37:46 +0000 UTC]

Very beautiful and emotive. Lovely work.

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KuraiTenshiV [2012-11-17 05:33:11 +0000 UTC]

this is good, and has lots of feeling in it, i have had the broken glass feeling myself. thank you for shareing

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ClearYourHeartLetGo [2012-11-17 03:29:18 +0000 UTC]

I really like this piece. It's beautiful in its own way.

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newspapergirl15FVA [2012-11-17 02:35:15 +0000 UTC]

did u write this yourself?

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