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shadowleoparddreams — Regret
Published: 2009-05-13 23:20:26 +0000 UTC; Views: 684; Favourites: 19; Downloads: 36
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Description
RegretWhispers of darkness
Fill my ears with regret
That fills my very soul.
Our time was too short
I lay my hand on your
Unyielding cold cheek
Why do things flutter
Ephemerally out of
Our mayfly lives?
Should we give up
Shirk the bounds of
Promises to fulfill
A deeper need and
Unquenchable desire
Stumbling forever
In the void-less soul
Of existence.
By Shadowleoparddreams
©5/13/09
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Comments: 24
I dont usually write critique for prose of any sort, mainly because I'm more critical of words than images strangely enough. I critique this because I feel its honest, well thought out and to the point without being over the top. Without using too many descriptions just because one can. So many make that mistake because they try too hard to swoon the reader. I dont get that here. I just get honesty. It's nice and just brings me in. One thing that does throw me though. The first 3 lines are a bit redundant and dont flow very well, but again, the sincerity of the thoughts rode me through it quite well. Particularly "mayfly lives?" I love that. Put a smile on my face. That flow was perfect. Enjoyable piece.
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Thank you so much for taking the time to critique my poem. I learned a lot from what you said. I will review those lines and see if there is something I can do to make it flow a bit better. This came from an experience I had when I was younger, this was rather cathartic for me. Again, thanks my friend for everything.
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Any time at all. My pleasure, it was wonderful to read it.
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This poem is very raw and its expression is very well thought out. I had to dock you a few points because the technique was a little off some of the flow wasn't quite there. Parts of the poem didn't seem to mesh with the way it was written.
The third stanza started with a harsher sounding word and made it clash a bit with the flow of the poem.
Everything else worked really well. I really enjoyed the imagery that the poem brought to life. I could see the things that you were writing about. The vision you created was exceptional and the originality was also exceptional. The way you placed the majority of the stanza's together worked very well.
The impact of the poem was bittersweet and really pulled at my heartstrings.
Overall a very well done poem! Good job!
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Thank you for helping me learn from your critique and your insight helped me gain greater understanding of the readers feelings. Thank you also for taking the time, It means a lot. I am glad you liked the imagery, sometimes it is a challenge to convey how you feel with so few words. I know the flow is a little disjointed however, grief and regret are never smooth flowing, sometimes it is sharp and disjointed. But that being said, I do have a few areas in there that I would have liked it to be a bit smoother, maybe you are picking up on those areas. I am interested in the word you thought was harsh? Maybe I can change it or you have a suggestion?
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No worries sweetie. I have all the time in the world. Take care of your finger first.
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Too true. I hope you have a wonderful weekend sweetie
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"Why do things flutter
Ephemerally out of
Our mayfly lives?"
No kidding, haha. Well put. I love this one too, mirrors many feelings of my own.
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This piece is beautiful and sad because of the truth behind it. I can't critique it because I don't follow the normal format myself. Some of the best poetry/prose I've read didn't necessarily follow rules.
But rules or no rules, you were able to invite me in and have a part of me feel it. To me, that's the only rule that's important. Thanks for sharing.
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Thank you for your kind words and critique it meant a lot to me. Sorry about the delay in getting back to you, deviant wasn't working on my computer.
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wow ,well said wonderfully expressive with a nice flow
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Thanks. I am not sure where it came from. As usual when I write the darker stuff, I am having a wonderful day. Go figure.
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